Righting the Ship
by JLynnB
Summary: "It's over," Amy said. And that should have been that. But for Sheldon it was just the beginning. An AU take on s8. NOT Canon-friendly.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Ever write a story and wonder 'who's it for?' This is a friendship!fiction so that leaves out the romantic Shennys. None of the core Canon couples survive so Shamys, Lennys or Howardettes need not apply. Even more dastardly, this takes place in season 8 so that leaves Nostalgics and Sheldon Purists running for the hills.

So why write it?

Devilbk and I were chatting at thebigbangtheoryHQ about a scenario that looked at the mess the show had become square in the face and how one would go about 'repairing' it. The Sheldon that we all knew in the early seasons is gone and in his place is a redneck toddler who can't work a revolving door. So if the writers suddenly had an epiphany that they've been writing crap since season 5 and want to Right the Ship as it were they'd have many obstacles in their path—especially the biggest of all: the 'Ships. How would they deal with them in such a way that doesn't dismiss later Canon as a four season dream sequence and yet worked to bring some dignity back to the characters?

How would they return things to when The Big Bang Theory ship sailed true?

This is a reminder that **this story is** **NOT** **Canon-friendly**. I side with the Toad of Truth when I say that the show went downhill the moment Bernadette and Amy came into the picture as romantic interests. This story rectifies that. You have been warned. *Lynn

Thanks to Devilbk for looking this over. I learned a lot.

Each day is separated by a **xTBBTx**. Note that the days are NOT consecutive.

Events happening on the same day are separated by a **XxX**.

Of course I don't own The Big Bang Theory. I just like to play in their world.

xTBBTx

Reference to: 'The Locomotion Interruption'; 'The Commitment Determination'; 'The Jerusalem Duality'; 'The Occupation Recalibration'; 'The Spoiler Alert Segmentation'; 'The Love Spell Potential'

xTBBTx

"So they even got your wallet, huh?" asked Leonard as Sheldon and he drove through the streets of Pasadena towards home.

"Everything. My wallet, my phone, my IPAD and, as you know, my pants," Sheldon replied as he watched the scenery out his side window. "What these hoodlums plan to do with one sock, however, is beyond me."

"Maybe they needed an emergency sock puppet?"

"Not funny."

"Sorry buddy." Leonard signaled and moved into the left lane. "So, did you sort out what you needed to?"

"More or less. Despite my reservations at you having suggested the topic I've decided to forego string theory for dark matter research," said Sheldon.

"What if the university says no?"

"Then I go to another university."

"What about Amy?" Leonard glanced at his roommate.

"I'll talk it over with her. I'd rather not leave California as the commute to see her would be murder." Sheldon paused. "Although it would mean a lot of train travel."

"Sounds serious. I mean you and Amy." Sheldon turned to Leonard.

"She's my girlfriend. Of course it's serious."

"Just checking," Leonard replied diplomatically. "I mean it's hard to tell sometimes with the two of you."

"What we have is not something I'm prepared to discuss," Sheldon said crisply.

"And don't worry because it sure is something I don't want to hear." Leonard moved into the turn lane.

"Speaking of deep commitments, I've made a decision about the two of us," said Sheldon as the car turned onto Los Robles Ave.

"Oh?"

"Granted it will be on a trial basis only, but I've decided that you could have sleepovers at Penny's apartment twice a week and she can stay at our place once a week."

"Really?" Leonard said, surprised. "What caused this bout of benevolence?"

"Well Penny and you are engaged. And you made it quite clear that you're putting your needs over mine so I had to come up with the least objectionable way of separating," Sheldon shrugged.

"Still, that's big of you."

"It is, isn't it?"

Leonard rolled his eyes as he signalled and pulled into the parking lot at their apartment building. The pair got out and proceeded through the lobby door and up the stairs.

"I'll also need new keys cut," said Sheldon. "They were in my pants." He shook his head. "Why would they take my pants? And don't say so the sock puppet can have something to wear."

"Some mysteries of the universe aren't meant to be solved," said Leonard as he opened the apartment door and stepped inside. "Here's Sheldon!"

"Hey honey, how are you?" asked Penny as she got out of Leonard's chair.

"You cut your hair!" Sheldon gasped as he took in Penny's shorn locks. "More change! I can't—" He turned and dashed down the stairs.

"Told you to wear a hat," sighed Leonard before going after his roommate.

Penny sat back in the chair and turned to Amy, who sat quietly on the couch.

"Are you sure this is the right time?" she asked. "I mean you can see Sheldon's a flight risk."

"He made mention of coming to certain decisions," Amy replied evenly. "It's best we get this sorted out now before things are made concrete."

Penny wanted to speak further but refrained as she heard Leonard's soothing voice in the stairwell.

"It'll grow," he said.

"It's change," Sheldon countered. "Why would she pick now of all times to cut her hair? There was no consultation, no appeals process—" He halted at the door and stared at Penny, who gave him a warm smile. With a deep sigh Sheldon came into the apartment.

"Hello Sheldon," said Amy as she stood. "I'm glad to see you're safe."

"Thank you Amy," he replied with a bit of a frown and the beginning of a blush as he realized his disheveled condition. "I hadn't expected you to be here."

"Why wouldn't I be? I'm your girlfriend. I care about you."

"I suppose," Sheldon said as he quickly averted his eyes from her. "I really do need a shower."

"I'll wait," said Amy. Sheldon nodded and departed to his room.

Penny looked to her friend. "Want us to stay or—"

"It's not necessary."

"Come on, Leonard," said Penny as she got up.

"But Sheldon just got home," replied her fiancé.

"I'll tell you later," shushed Penny as she grabbed his arm and dragged him from the apartment.

Amy waited patiently with her hands lightly clasping her knees. It had been over a month since she'd last seen Sheldon. One month of quiet away from his stressing about his career and Leonard's move out date and her suggesting they move in together. At first the quiet had been disconcerting but as the days turned into weeks she'd been able to figure out her position on things.

She concluded that things had to change.

Sheldon came into the living room wearing fresh clothes, his hair still damp from the shower.

"Are you going to fix yourself something to eat?" asked Amy.

"No, Leonard and I stopped in for something on the way back," said Sheldon as he came to the couch and sat in his spot. He closed his eyes and Amy could see the pure joy on his face as he settled his buttocks on the cushion.

Never once did she make him look like that when they were together.

"I hate to take you away from your moment of serenity but we have some things to discuss," she said bitterly.

"Alright." With a last sigh of contentment Sheldon opened his eyes to regard his girlfriend.

"First of all, you're well physically?" she asked.

"Perhaps a bit bloated from eating train station hot dogs but otherwise, yes," Sheldon replied.

"Good." Amy's hands tugged the hem of her wool skirt. "And you've come to some conclusions regarding your professional and personal life?"

"I have. I'm abandoning string theory for dark matter research," he replied. "I want my work to mean something and string theory is a dead end." While he was on the train a memory of Dennis Kim came to mind where the North Korean wunderkind had told him that his string theory research was a dead end. Sheldon had shooed Dennis from his office but in hindsight he should have listened further. Instead that was six more years wasted when he could have worked with David Underhill on dark matter.

Amy nodded before taking up a pillow and whacking Sheldon repeatedly.

"You are a jerk!" she growled. "You just took off without saying anything. If Leonard and Penny hadn't found you at the station when were you going to call me?"

"I had to get away," Sheldon replied as he did his best to block her blows. "I would have called you—"

"I'm your girlfriend—not that it means anything." Amy slammed the pillow down between them. "I might as well be dating a sack of rice with how affectionate you are and how little you care about my feelings." She stood and turned to face him. "I'm tired of always having to fight with you to get what I—what's right," she said icily. "Like physical intimacy for instance. I'm ready for it. I've been ready for it for years. You're not and frankly I'm tired of you finding the loopholes in our relationship agreement to try to avoid physical contact."

"I told you that I hadn't ruled out the possibility of having coitus."

"I don't want 'coitus'!" Amy shrieked. "I want sex. Glorious lovemaking." She pursed her lips. "I'm tired of being the one to push for it. You never listen to what I want. We only do what you want to do or else I have to put up with your constant whining."

Sheldon was speechless.

"I don't like the way we communicate," she continued. "You're arrogant. Condescending—"

"But I'm always arrogant and condescending," Sheldon said, confused.

"Which is why I want to dissolve our relationship agreement."

"I don't understand," Sheldon gasped.

"We're at an impasse," she said crisply. "You don't get it that I'm the best girlfriend you're ever going to have. Instead you fight me every time I try to fix you up into someone better than you are."

"How am I—I mean, the dating site and our friends think we're completely compatible. Granted they're subpar so as to be an accurate judge of our qualities but still there has to be something said for consensus," Sheldon said in a panicky voice.

"The Sheldon I'm compatible with is the one you could be if you weren't such a selfish, childish ass."

"But I love you," Sheldon said with hurt and sincerity in his voice.

Amy went to the door before turning around. "I love you, too, Sheldon, I just don't respect you. And with the way you are good luck finding another girlfriend who would." She stepped out of the apartment and closed the door behind her.

Sheldon was still as his eidetic memory went over what had just transpired. _Amy wanted coitus and now she's dissolved the relationship agreement._ He was prepared to do his duty as her boyfriend. _Amy said she loves me but she doesn't respect me._ He said he loved her. She left.

The apartment door opened and Penny and Leonard came in, their whole demeanor somber.

"Hey Sheldon," said Leonard delicately. "How are you doing?"

"I believe I`m in need of an additional antacid as I`ve developed digestive distress," Sheldon replied as he sat staring straight ahead. "Leonard, I`d like to catch up on Halo this weekend. Perhaps a trip to the—" a flash of Stuart`s burned out comic store came to mind.

"I`ll see what I can do," said Leonard as both Penny and he sat by Sheldon. "But Penny and I are going out with Bernadette and Howard this Saturday."

"Fair enough," Sheldon nodded. "I`m deviating off schedule and it`s not Anything Can Happen Thursday so I understand if you can`t accommodate me." Sheldon swallowed visibly. "In fact I`ve neglected my DC comic books message board. And tomorrow is Laundry Night."

Penny put a hand on Sheldon`s thigh.

"Sheldon, are you okay?" she asked.

He blinked hard and then got off the couch.

"Why wouldn't I be?" he said with a twitchy mouth as he went to the refrigerator for a bottled water.

"I don't know, because your girlfriend just broke up with you?" Leonard said in an exasperated tone.

"Leonard," Sheldon said derisively. "Before Amy and I altered our paradigm we were friends. That we are no longer 'seeing each other'"—he made air quotes with his fingers—"doesn't mean we're no longer friends." With a shake of the head Sheldon went down the hall to his room.

As he'd already showered and eaten Sheldon decided to go to bed. His digestive troubles seemed to have increased as he talked with Leonard and Penny so an early bedtime should help alleviate his symptoms. After changing into his pajamas he popped a couple of Tums and got into bed. As per routine he texted Amy goodnight although this time he didn't add the extra 'xxx' that she had insisted upon. He never particularly liked adding the 'kisses' as they looked more like strikes—and to his mind in the early days kissing was most definitely a strike-able offense.

Sheldon lay back in bed and put on his sleep mask. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Immediately thoughts of Amy's dandruff sitting on her shoulder came to mind. The way she wiped the jelly from the corner of his mouth with her thumb. How she tasted like brownies when he—

With a sigh Sheldon raised his sleep mask to his forehead.

"I'm being silly," he said aloud. "Amy is a girl/friend not my girlfriend. Aside from eliminating the romantic gestures she insisted upon everything else remains the same."

Now that he had more free time he could focus on attaining his Nobel Prize or at the very least continue with perfecting his three-person chess which he could play with Leonard and either Raj or Howard. Sheldon paused.

"More likely Raj since Howard's otherwise occupied with his marriage." A frown creased his brow. "Then again, Leonard's engaged so he'll be busy too. Still, it'll only be a matter of time before Raj screws up his relationship with Emily." Sheldon put the sleep mask over his eyes. Obviously he'd have to get Stuart into chess.

That settled it for him. Like Data, Sheldon had purged the relationship protocols from his interactions with Amy and would continue as before. No harm no foul.

He closed his eyes but sleep never came.

XXX

"So the Shamy hit a reef," whistled Leonard as Penny and he snuggled in her bed. "Can't believe it's over." He snorted. "Of course I couldn't believe when it started, either."

"Yeah, Amy sprung it on me when you were getting Sheldon. I asked if she was sure and she said she'd been thinking about it for a while."

"Too bad they couldn't talk over their problems. I mean look at us, we have problems, we talk. A healthy relationship. Well, except when you quit the Cheesecake Factory without discussing it with me. That was kind of a surprise."

"I need to concentrate on my acting," Penny said as she settled her head on Leonard's shoulder.

"Of course you do and I support you all the way. Although any time you want to give this up and go after more schooling or another job I'm totally okay with that, too," Leonard said after a slight pause.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, coach," Penny said flatly.

"I'm not doubting you," soothed Leonard. "It's just that I know that the acting profession is hard to get into and a lot of people have been acting from a very young age and"—he could feel Penny's glare as she slid away from him.

"Let's just backtrack to 'I'm not doubting you'," she growled.

"Backtracking's good. See? We communicate. Problem solved."

Leonard kissed her cheek and then got comfortable.

Penny lay beside him trying to forget what he said.


	2. Chapter 2

Reference to: 'The Clean Room Infiltration'; 'The Colonization Application'

xTBBTx

"So I was thinking about substituting light-transmitting fibres of ultratransparent oxide glass for crystalline copper," said Leonard as he peppered his rice pilaf. "It'd allow for more conversations in the optical fibre."

Howard swallowed his bite of sandwich even as his eyes caught a pretty grad student wearing an acceptably short skirt.

"You have some or need to borrow?" he asked.

"You have some?" Leonard said hopefully.

"For a price."

"Why do I have the feeling that I'm not going to like this?"

Sheldon put down his fork.

"If glass wasn't transparent, which city would have the Statue of Liberty?" he asked.

"What?" asked Raj.

"Aw, not another counterfactual," sighed Leonard.

"What's wrong with your minds, gentlemen?" Sheldon continued. "Surely such an elementary game can't boggle the intellect."

"No, what boggles us is how your intellect works," smirked Howard, garnering him a glare.

"You're all people of rare intelligence," Sheldon said crisply as he pulled out his phone. "It's rare you show any."

"Ooo, burn!" grinned Raj.

"Fortunately Amy has a sense of humour to go along with a scintillating intellect that will appreciate this," Sheldon said as he texted.

"Eyah," said Leonard, suddenly serious. "Uh, speaking of Amy, Penny said that there's going to be a gathering for her this weekend."

"Oh? Is she hosting that nineteenth century dinner party that she always wanted to do?"

"How did you know?"

Sheldon put down his phone and resumed eating.

"She'd previously talked my ear off wanting to do it," he said evenly.

"So you're okay with this," Leonard said to confirm.

"Amy's a girl, she's my friend but not my girlfriend." Sheldon's mouth twitched. "Although it's strange that she never mentioned the party to me."

"She was in the middle of breaking up with you," Raj pointed out.

"I suppose" Sheldon replied with a slight shrug. "But it's not like her to forget. Amy and I severed our relationship agreement not sworn eternal enmity for each other." He again picked up his phone and began to text. "In fact I'll remind her now."

 _scooperphd:_ Leonard said you're hosting your retro party this Sat.

 _scooperphd:_ Remember to use cloth napkins.

 _scooperphd:_ Should I make zucchini or date loaf?

Sheldon paused and then shook his head at his folly.

 _scooperphd:_ Never mind. It's a party. I'll make both.

Sheldon put down his phone and took up his bottled water.

"And FYI, the answer is Seattle," he said to the guys before he stood. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to finish work early so I can make it to the pet store before it closes."

"No cats!" Leonard warned.

"Of course not," Sheldon sniffed. "I'm thinking of getting a turtle." He left with his lunch tray.

"Why would he get a turtle?" Leonard puzzled.

"I hope he calls him Yertle," gushed Raj.

XXX

"Wow, she is serious," said Leonard as Penny and he rounded the corner to ascend the last staircase to their floor.

"YuP. So anyways, someone's gotta tell Sheldon," Penny replied. At this Leonard sighed.

"I guess I'll do it," he moped.

They stopped in front of his door.

"Leonard, he's going to need some comforting."

"Which you're much better at," said Leonard. Penny raised an eyebrow. "You do know our relationship is for better or worse, right?" Now it was Penny's turn to sigh.

"Send him over."

"Really?" said Leonard, sounding like he'd just dodged a bullet. "Thanks." He kissed her before both entered their respective apartments.

"Hey Sheldon," Leonard said lightly as he put his keys in the bowl by the door. "Listen, Penny wants to talk to you about something."

"So why isn't Penny here?" Sheldon replied as he typed at his computer.

"Because she wants to talk to you in private."

Sheldon stopped typing with an exasperated sigh.

"Good Lord this isn't about her wanting more DVR space to record The Bachelor, is it? Because I'm not altering my position on the matter."

"No, it's something else," said Leonard as he went down the hall. Sheldon resumed typing. "Now, Sheldon."

"You didn't say it was immediate," mumbled Sheldon with an eye roll. He got up and went across the hall.

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"Hey Sheldon," said Penny as she opened the door. "Come on in."

"Leonard said you wanted to speak with me?"

"Yeah." She moved to the couch and sat before patting the cushion next to her. "Come sit."

"But that's not my spot," he countered.

"It is now."

Sheldon pursed his lips even as he sat on the couch.

"This better be good," he grumbled.

"So," said Penny, even as her brain scrambled to get things organized. "How's work?"

"Penny, while you might think you're engaging in 'small talk' I assure you that talking about my job is far above your capacity to comprehend," Sheldon said derisively, oblivious to Penny's scowl. "Now I doubt this is the reason why you've called me over so if we could get to the point I can get back to my work."

"O-kay. You know that Amy is no longer your girlfriend, right?" Penny began.

Sheldon was slightly taken aback.

"Of course I do. She's a girl. She's a friend. But not—"

"Sheldon, a lot of times when a couple breaks up they need their space." Penny could tell by Sheldon's look that he was listening but not comprehending. "That means no texts or emails or phone calls. Nothing."

"But why?" he asked. "Amy and I are friends."

"Breaking up kinda puts everything up in the air, Sheldon," Penny explained.

"Oh." Sheldon straightened in his seat. "But what about Amy's party? I've already purchased the ingredients for her loaves." He cocked his head in thought. "I suppose I could send them with you."

"Not a good idea."

"Good grief, they're loaves not a Trojan Horse," the physicist snapped. Penny sighed. Obviously she needed to take another path.

"Sheldon, how would you like it if this was reversed and Amy sent you something from her?"

"We're friends. Why should it matter?" Sheldon got up. "This is stupid. We were friends for over four years and dating for nearly three of them. Just because we're no longer dating doesn't mean we're no longer friends. They're separate paradigms."

"Not really," Penny replied. "Normally when I break up with someone that's that."

"You remained in contact with Kurt. He was at your Halloween party," Sheldon reminded her as he went to stand by the door. "And you remained in contact with Leonard after Lord knows how many times you'd broken up."

"Okay, not good examples," said Penny as she stood. "On the whole I don't do that. But Leonard was an exception."

"Why wouldn't Amy make an exception for me?" Sheldon snorted. "I'm far beyond 'exceptional'."

"You're her first boyfriend."

"She's my first girlfriend. I fail to see the relevance." He opened the door. "Now if you'll excuse—"

"Sheldon, she doesn't want you in her life right now."

Silence.

Sheldon gently closed the door but kept his hand on the doorknob.

"She said that?" he asked in a serious tone.

"Yeah."

Sheldon nodded his head.

"Well alright then," he said, his voice back to its usual tone.

"Sorry sweetie."

"Nothing to feel sorry about," Sheldon dismissed. "We were friends and now we're not. I'll send her the paperwork for—"

"Sheldon I don't think—" Sheldon turned to her with a somber look on his face.

"I can't leave this open-ended," he said firmly. Penny nodded.

"Give me the paperwork and I'll see that Amy gets it."

"I'll go do that now." Sheldon opened the door and went across the hall to his own apartment.

"How are you doing?" asked Leonard as Sheldon came in and proceeded to his computer.

"I'm as regular as a German train schedule," mumbled Sheldon as he clicked to his documents section and began printing out the necessary forms.

"I mean about Amy."

"Amy's a girl, who's not my friend much less my girlfriend." Sheldon gathered the sheets and stapled them. "So what would you like to do Saturday evening?" Leonard raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, since Penny will be off at Amy's gathering you'll need something to do before coitus."

"Sheldon, I'm going with Penny."

Sheldon turned to Leonard in shock.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because Amy's worked hard to throw this party."

"So? She wasn't your friend."

"Sure she is." Leonard paused. "Well sort of."

"She found you tedious."

"Well it's the proper thing to do," Leonard grumped. "I'll be the bigger man." Pause. "Metaphorically speaking."

"Huh." Sheldon paused in thought before giving a curt nod. "This friendship paradigm is quite complicated."

"What do you mean?" asked Leonard as he picked up the television remote.

"Well, because Amy and I are not 'seeing' each other she no longer wants to be friends which suggests that our friendship was worth less than our relationship. And then there's you, who sees the 'proper thing to do' as attending a retro party for a tepid acquaintance while leaving his supposed best friend alone."

"Things are complicated sometimes," said Leonard.

"I see." Sheldon went to the door and opened it before turning to Leonard with a scowl. "You suck!" he snapped and closed the door behind him.

xTBBTx

Leonard stretched as he sat up in bed. He put on his glasses, got up and donned his housecoat and slippers before venturing to the washroom. The lights were already on in the living room which was no surprise given that Sheldon was an early riser. After conducting his business, Leonard came down the hall to see his roommate sitting on the couch eating cereal.

"'Morning," said Leonard as he went for his cup of coffee.

"For some of us," Sheldon grunted.

"What's wrong?"

"Open the refrigerator, Leonard."

Leonard did so—and found everything looking like it did last night.

"Need some context here, Sheldon," he said as he reached for his almond milk.

"You'll note that your soy butter is located on the neutral shelf. It's your condiment and therefore belongs on your shelf," Sheldon sniffed. "Then there's the shoddy tinfoiling of your Javanese curry when the Roommate Agreement states that any meat product has to be saran wrapped in order to prevent its odor from contaminating other food products."

"Aw, we're not going back to the Roommate Agreement are we?" groaned Leonard as he took a sip of coffee.

"I've let things slide for too long," said Sheldon as he got up and went to the kitchen to wash his breakfast dishes. "The result has been chaos. Aimless career. Dabbling in unnecessary romantic human constructs." Now it was Leonard's turn to snort. "You mock me?"

"I do."

Sheldon put his dishes in the drain rack.

"Need I pull out the Roommate Agreement to refresh your memory on all the initials you signed?"

"No," Leonard frowned. "And by the way, I thought you got rid of the Roommate Agreement when your barber got sick?"

"And we see the result, don't we?" Sheldon opened the fridge. "Observe the contaminant." He pulled out a half container of cream. "Is this yours? Of course not my lactose-intolerant friend. Is it mine? No it's not. So whose could it be?" He shook the container from side to side making the cream swish. "Could this be Penny's?"

"She's here every day for coffee," said Leonard as he reached for the cream only to have Sheldon raise it at arm's length away from him.

"And yet you failed to secure an addendum to the Roommate Agreement to let her store it here," Sheldon tsked.

"Why would I need that? She doesn't live here!"

"Exactly. She doesn't fall under the 'cohabitation rider' which would allot her space in the refrigerator. Instead, her contraband has been snuck in." Again he shook the container. "We should hope this doesn't contain hash oil."

"Of course it doesn't," growled Leonard. "Fine. I'll file an application for her cream."

"While you're at it you might as well address these as well," said Sheldon, who put down the cream on the counter before crossing over to his desk.

"What's this?" asked Leonard as Sheldon handed him a stapled packet of papers.

"Transgressions, Leonard. But don't worry, I won't just assign retroactive strikes without due process. You'll have a chance to answer to the charges at the weekly roommate meeting."

Sheldon went down the hall into the bathroom, leaving Leonard to look over the document.

xTBBTx

?165824-Counterfactuals-A-Brain-Teaser-Game –counterfactual question.

wwwbritannicacomEBcheckedtopic21328amorphous-solid51868Transparent-glasses Copper wire/optic wire info


	3. Chapter 3

Raj noted Leonard was repeatedly lifting his spoon full of soup and letting the contents drip back into the bowl.

"Soup not good?" he asked as he opened his bottled water.

"Just thinking about Saturday," Leonard said before sighing.

"Me too. I wasn't sure if I should bring some Nanaimo bars or an upside down pineapple cake."

Leonard set his spoon down on the lunch tray.

"No, I mean about going. Sheldon's going to be alone," he said.

"Well, we could always just stay for a bit and then go see him," suggested Raj.

"You know, before we met the girls we were the Four Musketeers," said Howard.

"He's right," Leonard said as he straightened in his chair. "One of us is in trouble and we can't just desert him."

"We should put together our man posse and motor," agreed Raj.

"Great," Howard said enthusiastically as he pulled out his phone. "Now let me ask Bernadette." He dialed and waited. "Hello Bernie? ...I'm fine. Listen this weekend the guys were going to stay with Sheldon while Amy's having her party so I ... I wasn't going to 'bail'. It's just that ... Uh huh. ... Uh huh ... But all my friends aren't going! ... Yes, Penny and you are friends too. ... I guess. Love you, too. Bye." He hung up his phone. "Apparently I'm going to be busy going to Amy's party," he said with a grim look.

"Raj?" said Leonard as he looked to the astrophysicist.

"Bro's before ho's," grinned Raj. "Only, can I bring my spinach dip? I don't want it going to waste."

xTBBTx

Penny sat in her kitchen chair picking at her dinner with her fork.

"So," Leonard said slowly as he swallowed his bite of food. "How did the audition go?"

"Not great," she sighed. "I barely got through my lines before they had me out the door."

"Gee, that's too bad," he said sympathetically.

"No 'told ya so?'"

"Of course not," he gasped. "I support you one hundred percent in this."

"Good." Penny took a sip of wine. "Because this isn't the last audition ever. There's plenty more out there for me to do. I have an 'in' with Jackie at a talent agency who tips me off on auditions."

"It helps to have contacts in order to keep your options open," agreed Leonard. "For instance, having the Cheesecake Factory manager's number is helpful."

Penny's death glare was punctuated by a triple knock at the door.

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Leonard."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Leonard."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Leonard."

Penny got up and answered the door.

"Greetings neighbor," said Sheldon evenly. "Is Leonard in?" He took in his roommate sitting at Penny's table. "What are you doing?!"

"Eating with my fiancée," Leonard said slowly.

"Tonight's pizza night," Sheldon tsked.

"We didn't feel like pizza."

"What, you think I always feel like pizza?" Sheldon said derisively.

"Then why do we always have it?"

"Because it's pizza night. Leonard, pay attention."

"Sheldon, sweetie, I really can't afford pizza this week," said Penny.

"That's alright. You weren't invited," Sheldon said without looking at her. "Now Leonard I—"

Just then Raj came huffing and puffing up the stairs.

"What's the problem?" gasped Raj to Penny.

"What are you talking about?" she replied, puzzled.

"Sheldon said there was an emergency and that I was to come alone."

"Well there is an emergency," sniffed Sheldon. "It's Thursday and no one's here for pizza."

"That's your emergency?!" Raj said incredulously.

"Raj, we've had pizza on Thursdays for nine years and two months. Get with the program," said Sheldon before crossing over and into his apartment.

Raj turned and went down the stairs. As he came to the third floor landing he ran into a huffing Howard.

"What's going on?" Howard gasped.

"Sheldon's gone crazy," Raj replied as he kept walking.

"Oh," said Howard before he followed Raj down the stairs.

"Well that was weird," said Penny as she closed her door before returning to her seat at the table.

"That's Sheldon," agreed Leonard.

"Guess he isn't handling the breakup very well."

"I don't know. So far he's gotten a tortoise, dragged Raj, Howard and me off to Big Boy and handed me a list of strikes about a mile long."

"At least he doesn't make you do those courses anymore," Penny chuckled before taking a sip of wine. She noted the awkward look on Leonard's face. "You've got to be kidding me."

"It's in the Roommate Agreement," he sighed.

"You're back to that again?"

"To the letter." He picked up his fork and slowly twisted his rice noodles around it. "By the way, would you mind storing you cream at your place? I can't afford to give up any more room on the condiment shelf and my shelf's full." Penny rolled her eyes.

Over in 4A, Sheldon stood by the counter with the box of pizza. With all having gone quiet in the hall he surmised that the rest of the gang weren't coming over to eat. With a shrug he took out his usual four pieces of pizza from the box before opening his garbage and dumping out the rest. He put the box in the recycling bin before taking up his pizza and proceeding to the couch to watch television.

xTBBTx

"I can't believe you're making me go to this alone," said Penny as she was applying lipstick in her bathroom.

"Yeah, well, as much as I like the nineteenth century I've got to stay with Sheldon," Leonard said in a voice he hoped sounded apologetic. "You know, the break up and what not. Besides, Amy's your 'bestie'."

"Yeah, I'm still not sure how that happened," Penny snorted. She put her lipstick in her purse and went into her bedroom where Leonard was sitting on her bed. "I mean who the hell takes one look at someone and decides in that moment that they're gonna be 'besties' forever?" She took out her regular purse and fished inside for her keys. "Cripes, it's a wonder she didn't ask to marry me. How creepy would that be, marrying your own stalker?"

"Eyah," said Leonard, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "Well, anyways, gotta go." He kissed her on the cheek and darted from the room.

XXX

"I can't believe you're making me go to this," snapped Howard as he paced in his living room.

"You think I'm going to this party because I have a choice?" Bernadette replied as she put on her jacket.

"So why are you going?"

"Because Amy's my friend. She's been looking forward to this party and I can't let her down because she's going through a hard time since the breakup." Bernadette shook her head. "And she gets a little crazy when she gets enthusiastic about something. Don't need that in my direction."

"Well what about me?" countered Howard. "We know Sheldon's bat-crap crazy and he's going through a tough time too."

"The difference is that Sheldon tries to blow up your head with his mind whereas Amy likes to play live action 'Operation' at the cadaver lab." Bernadette grabbed her purse and went to the door followed by Howard.

"If she's so scary, why are you friends with her?" he asked as he opened the door.

"She's not scary, silly. She's creepy."

"And you're subjecting me to her because I'm your husband," grumped Howard as he locked the door behind them.

"For better or worse," Bernadette squeaked.

"And that overrides self preservation?"

"It's self preservation that's telling you it's better if you came with me," she said sweetly but with a hard smile. "Besides, it could be fun."

"I can't wait," Howard said glumly as they went to the elevator.

XXX

"Go Raj!" yelled Leonard excitedly as he stood near Sheldon and the astrophysicist who were busy making skiing motions in front of the television.

"I'm trying!" gasped Raj.

"You need to pick up speed. Sheldon's killing you at the targets."

"Speaking of which," huffed Sheldon as he ditched the skiing controllers for the pistol one. He moved his ski goggles to his forehead and closed his eyes, practicing Kolinahr breathing techniques to calm his heart rate. After a few seconds he aimed the controller and shot. One after another the targets fell.

"Damn. Five for five again," said Leonard. "Raj, you're going to have to ace the next set of shots if you want even an outside chance of beating him."

Raj came up to the shooting line and traded controllers even while Sheldon slung the imaginary gun across his back and adjusted his ski goggles back over his eyes.

"Yay ghaH vIghajchoH!" growled Sheldon as he began to ski for all he was worth.

Raj aimed the pistol and shot at the target.

"Missed!" groaned Leonard.

"It's not my fault! It's too cold for my fingers!" whined Raj.

Leonard stared incredulously at his two friends. One of them was supposed to be bat-crap crazy.

At the moment it was hard to tell which.

XXX

"Well this is nice," said Penny as she poured herself yet another glass of wine. "You really outdid yourself with the decorations. It really looks like a grandmother's place."

"I pulled out stuff I keep in my Hope Chest," the neurobiologist replied as she took a piece of Nanaimo bar Raj had sent before settling herself down on her couch. "Since there was the prospect of marriage on the horizon I thought to be prepared to create a homey environment."

"Yeah, you've got the homey part," said Bernadette as she looked around at Amy's grandma couch and furnishings. "Kind of reminds me of my Grandfather's nursing home." Amy frowned.

"Well it's not like your place with the 3-D dolls and other toys strewn about," Amy countered.

"They're not toys, they're collectables," Howard replied as he shifted his weight on the wooden dining room chair. "And Leonard and Sheldon have a lot more than I do."

"Oh, I dunno about that, rocket man," said Penny as she thought about Howard's bedroom at his mother's house.

"Very true," mused Amy. "After all, that would imply that Howard got all his play stuff from his mother's house." Penny winced.

Bernadette gave a grim smile. "Well, my husband might have dolls but it's not like he made a rice doll of—"

"More wine?" Penny asked loudly before drinking half her glass. "Because I could sure use some." She began to pour some into her glass.

"They're not dolls they're collectibles," Howard asserted.

"Get over it," Bernadette snapped at her husband.

"Anyways, bestie, since my wedding plans are delayed if you need two hundred cloth napkins and commemorative tiny tea cups for your wedding you're welcome to them," said Amy before taking a sip of wine.

"Oh, believe me, being engaged is light years away from having a wedding," Penny blurted. "I mean, wedding? Come on."

"I sense a flight risk," Bernadette stage whispered.

"I'm not gonna bail on Leonard. I proposed, remember?" Penny replied crisply.

"Was that before or after you were drinking and declared your acting career dead in the water?" Amy asked innocently.

"I just had a bad day. Besides, at least I didn't have a five year plan for wearing someone down to get a marriage proposal."

"Now I could really use some wine," Bernadette said brightly as she poured herself another glass.

"Shouldn't we go?" asked Howard as he noted the death glares between Amy and Penny.

All three women turned to him and asked, "Why?"

"I don't know," Howard eased out. "Maybe because it's starting to feel a little awkward here?"

"Who's feeling awkward?" asked Amy.

"Howie's just not used to spending his time with a room full of girls," Bernadette teased. "Which is surprising given the number of nights he's spent alone with his mother watching Wheel of Fortune." Amy and Penny laughed. "Yeah, he's a real lady killer," Bernadette winked.

Howard gave a stiff smile as he reached for a piece of date square, hoping to God it had peanuts in it.

XXX

Sheldon came down the hall with his laundry basket.

"Sheldon, you're up soon," said Leonard as Raj jived his way on the Dance, Dance Revolution game mat.

"It's eight fifteen," Sheldon said as way of an explanation.

Raj jumped off the mat, breathing hard but not overly so. Obviously his aerobics classes were paying off.

"Let me get a bottled water and I'll join you," he said.

"No need. I always do my laundry alone," replied Sheldon as he opened the apartment door.

"But we're here to hang out with you," Raj pointed out.

"Ah."

"I can bring down the Klingon Boggle," said Leonard.

"Do what you want," Sheldon said impatiently. "I have to get the laundry started." He turned and dashed down the stairs.

"Is it just me or is Sheldon a little more—robotic?" asked Raj as he went to the refrigerator for a bottled water.

"Things are most definitely regimented again," sighed Leonard as he went to the closet for the boggle set. "The Roommate Agreement is back with a vengeance. I'm spending more time over at Penny's because I'm tired of filling out her overnight occupancy paperwork."

"Sounds rough." Raj took a sip of water. "It's funny that we always tease Sheldon for being so stiff and unemotional but when you think about it he might be the most sensitive of the lot."

"Could have fooled me," said Leonard as the pair made their way out of the apartment.

"Think about it. He freaks out whenever anyone argues."

"Unless it's with him. He loves to argue," said Leonard as they went down the stairs.

"Exactly. Because he's in control of the situation," said Raj. "But when things aren't, what does he do? He retreats back to routines where everything makes sense and he has control."

"So he's pulling back to the time before he knew Amy," mused Leonard. "The only thing is that I'm going to be moving out at some point. Who's going to put up with bat-crap crazy Sheldon?"

"One step at a time. Let's get him through this thing with Amy and then we'll see where we're at."

"So no moving out until Sheldon's grounded? That could take years," snorted Leonard.

"Maybe you might want to photocopy Penny's paperwork so all you have to do is add the date and signature," chuckled Raj.

xTBBTx

Yay ghaH vIghajchoH!: Klingon for 'Victory is mine!'


	4. Chapter 4

"That was a lot of fun this weekend," grinned Leonard as Sheldon and he joined Raj and Howard at the lunch table. "We ought to do that more often."

"I'd rather get a colonoscopy by Wolverine," mumbled Howard.

"You mean you didn't have fun?" asked Raj.

"Well, if by fun you mean spending an evening in a room with drunk women sniping at each other when they aren't trying to emasculate me, personally, then yeah, I had a blast."

"Ouch."

Howard quit playing with his pasta and set his fork down.

"I just don't get it. They were so nasty with each other and yet when I thought it was time to go they were all like, 'what's your problem?' Like this was normal or something." He shook his head.

"Oh, it's normal," Leonard replied before he finished chewing and swallowing. "Believe me there are times when Sheldon and I hear cackling laughter and cold as ice comments underneath our apartment door. It's actually quite unnerving."

"Hence the reason why we should have more time away from the females so we can properly unwind," said Sheldon evenly. "We could do something tomorrow, for instance. We haven't been to the Cheesecake Factory in a while."

"I don't know," said Howard slowly. "Bernie and Penny don't really like hanging out there."

"We don't have to invite them," Sheldon countered with pursed lips. "That was the point of having a night to ourselves."

"Yeah, but Penny and I usually go out as a couple," said Leonard. "I mean we stay home a lot so going out is kind of our thing."

" _Fine_ ," Sheldon said crisply. "Wednesday is Halo night—"

"Yeah, about that," Leonard began gently. "You see, Penny and I were—"

"Thursday's pizza night—"

"Emily and I are catching dinner and a movie," replied Raj. "Though we could drop in—"

Sheldon was disgusted.

"Friday's Chinese food and vintage game night," he snapped. "But let me guess, you're all busy on Friday."

"Yes," his friends all said. Sheldon rolled his eyes and returned to his food.

"Cluck, cluck, cluck, gentlemen," he tsked.

"How about we go play some paintball this Sunday?" offered Raj.

The four men looked hopefully at each other before Howard visibly flinched.

"Oh, wait, Bernie's folks are coming over that day," he sighed.

"That leaves Saturday," said Sheldon.

"Yeah, well, Saturday the six of us were going on a triple date," said Leonard. "The girls wanted to do a couples thing and you know—"

"Since I am no longer 'coupled' I wasn't invited," Sheldon finished.

Leonard smiled sympathetically. "As a bright side it's laundry night."

"It is, isn't it?" said Sheldon before taking a drink.

It's not like he had forgotten about laundry night.

It's just that for the first time ever he didn't rightly care.

After lunch the guys departed and Sheldon went back to his office. He hesitated in front of his door because he knew _she_ was in there and he had already had enough of _her_ from the morning. From every morning to be honest.

He entered his office, making sure not to look at _her_ as he closed his door and went to his desk. He sat, staring straight ahead. The office was quiet save the rapid beating of his heart. He knew _she_ was going to interrupt his solitude at any moment so he had to get done what he could before he was distracted.

Sheldon opened his laptop and continued to read David Underhill's latest paper on dark matter research. There was no doubt that Dave was talented. Most definitely a step above Leonard in his scientific abilities. In fact, some of what was proposed in the paper was quite intriguing and if seen in a particular context it could—

Sheldon closed his eyes in order to tune _her_ out. He used to find _her_ voice soothing. When he heard it he was in his happy place because he knew that he was that much closer to fully seeing _her_.

Now _her_ voice was as grating as nails on a chalkboard.

He read over the previous two paragraphs to focus his mind on the idea he had before he was interrupted.

"It could work," Sheldon mumbled to himself and got up from his chair to venture around his desk to face his whiteboard.

To face _her_.

The equations were succinct and elegant. String theory. The Theory of Everything.

The theory which came to nothing.

Sheldon took up his eraser and did what he should have done the first day he came back to his office. With each stroke across his whiteboard _she_ was erased until all he was faced with was a white board. A blank slate ready to be filled with his genius. He exchanged the eraser for a marker and stood back to gather his thoughts. While considered unorthodox by many, Sheldon had no doubt that dark matter was self-interacting. There were dark forces at work and, by necessity, dark boson particles to carry this force.

He stared at the whiteboard, the marker in his hand becoming heavier with each passing second. The board was blank, ready for any possibility Sheldon could foster upon it.

Yet all Sheldon could do was stand there because he didn't know what to do. The whiteness was scary and daunting as opposed to exciting and limitless. If he wrote on the board he would say goodbye to _her_ and _she_ was all he'd known for the last twenty years.

 _She_ gave him a place to hide when his parents fought.

 _She_ was the means by which he found accolades from his so-called peers.

 _She_ was the reason why he never felt alone.

A moment more and then the cap was off his marker and Sheldon busied himself recopying everything he had erased from his board. When he was finished he stood back to see his handiwork. Succinct. Elegant. Safe.

Sheldon gathered his jacket and messenger bag, turned off his laptop and overhead light and departed.

xTBBTx

Penny knocked at apartment 4A and Leonard answered the door. His eyes dilated at the sight of her red cocktail dress that clung to her curves in a sophisticated look as opposed to the short dresses she wore dancing.

"Wow," he gasped. "You look great."

"Thanks," she smiled. "Time to go."

"Yeah, let me get my jacket." Leonard went to his desk to gather his things.

Penny looked to Sheldon, who hadn't moved a muscle at the interaction; instead he was watching television with the sound off.

"Hey Sheldon," she said brightly.

Sheldon clicked off the television and darted down the hall. Penny heard his bedroom door close.

With a small sigh she made to follow but Leonard put out an arm to stop her.

"Don't worry about it," he said as he shrugged on the jacket. "Sheldon's just working through his problem with Amy. If he needs to talk he knows I'm here."

"Maybe he wants to talk now," Penny said with a concerned expression.

Leonard took in her concern—as well as her legs and the red pillows that were her lips.

"He'll be fine," he said kindly as he gently turned Penny and together they exited the apartment.

In his room Sheldon sat on his bed with a sour expression on his face. He really had to address Penny's presence in the apartment. From time to time he heard her voice and laughter coming from Leonard's room and as Leonard had filled out the correct paperwork there was nothing he could do about it.

He waited a moment more before exiting his room and returned to his spot on the couch.

It wasn't that Penny had done something wrong, rather it was what she represented—change. Without Penny, Leonard, Raj and Howard would be here tonight to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a until it was laundry time. Then they would watch Star Trek universe shows until it was time for Sheldon to get into his pajamas, warm his mug of milk and sit in his chair to post at the DC Comics Message Board. Instead, they were all out imbibing alcohol and gyrating their bodies at some tavern. There's no way a dozen wild horses could have dragged him along tonight but he also knew that if he was still going out with Amy he would have no other choice but to go.

"That's a plus for bachelorhood," he said although his conviction sounded hollow.

He pondered what he could do until eight fifteen. Perhaps watch some Star Trek? Do some work? He glanced at his whiteboard, blank and ready for use. He took up the remote and clicked on the television and began perusing his DVR. Sheldon selected what he wanted and began to watch. As the introduction played he did his best to relax but something was off.

He felt as if he was being watched.

Sheldon got up and went to his whiteboard. He stared at it a moment before turning it around.

He then went back to his spot and resumed watching television.

XXX

"So how are your auditions going?" Bernadette asked Penny before taking a sip of her martini.

"The usual—drive of eternity to get there, a room full of blondes and finding out that once again I'm too short/tall, fat/thin and, my favorite, too mid-western," sighed Penny. "Still, I haven't given up."

"That's the spirit," smiled Raj. "Dreams are meant to be pursued. I mean look at Howard, he pursued every dream he saw—until she jogged out of reach."

Everyone laughed except Howard.

"Actually, we've all pretty much got our dreams," said Leonard. "We're accomplished in our careers, have wonderful companions. Life's good." He looked to Penny. "See? By marrying me, you're half way there.

"I'm more than just your fiancée," Penny said coolly.

"Of course you are," Bernadette piped in quickly. "Just because you haven't landed an audition in six years doesn't make you any less of an actress than anyone else."

The table was silent as everyone took a drink.

"Hello bestie," said Amy as she arrived at the table.

"Hi Amy," Penny replied, a tad confused. "What brings you here?"

"I saw the Facebook updates for tonight's plans," Amy replied. "I want you all to know that you shouldn't feel awkward inviting me to social gatherings just because Sheldon and I broke up." She squeezed behind Leonard and Penny and settled herself in a seat.

"It's just that tonight was kind of a couples' night so we didn't want to make things worse," Bernadette said.

"Couples night. Understood," said Amy evenly. "Before I met Sheldon I often pretended to have a date with me when I was in a gathering. In fact, it's why when I sit down I clasp my hands from the side so as to create the illusion of holding someone's hand."

Everyone took a large sip of their drinks.

"So, who's up for some karaoke next week?" asked Penny.

"Not really my thing," said Emily.

"I'll come," Amy said. "Since becoming single I have no one to back me up on sing along night at the apartment. It's nice having a harmony rather than hearing the sound of the clock ticking."

"I never noticed a clock in your living room," said Bernadette.

"I usually keep it in my bedroom but when I feel lonely I bring it into the living room to liven up the place."

"Ah," Bernadette said and finished off her martini in two big gulps. "Hit me," she said to Howard and he poured more drink from the decanter into her glass.

"I really like this song," said Emily as she got out of her chair. She took Raj's hand. "Let's go dance."

"I never knew you liked Beyonce?" Raj said, pleased as they walked hand in hand to the dance floor.

"I don't," Emily replied. "Just had to get out of there. Is Amy always like that?"

"We have to cut her some slack," said Raj. "She broke up with Sheldon so she's a little down."

"Yeah, I can see down. But I meant the pathetic 'poor me pity me' part."

"Oh." Raj thought about it as they began to boogey on the floor. "Yeah, pretty much," he called out.

XXX

Sheldon finished watching television and turned it off. The room was silent and usually the tranquility of being alone in his apartment sitting in his spot was refreshing. This time, however, his mind was a whirr of activity as his eyes stared at his whiteboard. There was no doubt he was at an impasse and he wasn't sure what to do. Physics was letting him down (or was it he who was letting her down?) and he knew from experience that scrambled eggs were already at their best. His mother made him get rid of his loom. Perhaps he could call his mother?

"And say what?" he snorted. "'Mother, I no longer believe in String Theory, Amy left me and Leonard's moving out soon.' And what would she say? 'Everythin' has a reason, Shelly. The Lord doesn't load yuh with more than yuh can carry.'"

He needed rational advice, not prayer.

Sheldon went to his computer and made a call on Skype.

"Good evening Sheldon," said Beverly's cool voice as she appeared on the screen.

"And to you," Sheldon replied.

"Now that the formalities are over with, what do you want?"

"I find myself at a crossroads and require advice."

"Proceed," she said as she sat back in her chair.

"I'm not sure whether switching out of String Theory into dark matter research is a mistake."

Beverly raised an eyebrow. "I thought you had sorted this all out on your month long sabbatical?"

"I had but other circumstances have come to pass that make me want to revaluate my decision." Sheldon took a breath. "Amy has decided to terminate our relationship agreement."

"And?" Beverly said flatly.

"I thought our relationship was proceeding to the next level. I was clearly mistaken."

"And you are now unsure if your career choices are similarly disjointed."

"Exactly."

"Your logic is flawed. Because one falters doesn't mean the other will, particularly since there is no link between the two circumstances beyond them happening to you. If we continued your logic we would have to equate having Leonard's move into your apartment with your decision to go from bosonic to heterotic String Theory."

"You're right. I'm being silly," Sheldon said with a shake of the head. "I'm not sure what's come over me."

"Obviously your amygdala is functioning abnormally." Beverly scribbled something down on a sheet of paper. "I'd like for you to go for some blood work as well as a brain scan. I'll make the arrangements and have the appointments emailed to you."

"Thank you."

"Sheldon, you know you are my favorite test subject."

"I am intriguing," he said with a little smile.

"I have to urinate. Goodbye."

The screen went black and Sheldon sat back in his chair to think. A moment later and he fired off an email of his own.

xTBBTx

Dark Matter: wwwscientificamericancomarticledark-matter-may-feel-a-dark-force-that-the-rest-of-the-universe-does-not1


	5. Chapter 5

Reference to: 'The Locomotion Interruption'; 'The Hamburger Postulate'; 'The Junior Professor Solution'; 'The Anxiety Optimization'

xTBBTx

As he came up the final flight of stairs Sheldon took his keys out of his pocket. Things had gone very well at the HR meeting he had at the university. Once they realized that he would resign if he couldn't move out of String Theory they made him an offer of a junior professorship which would allow him to work on dark matter.

A groan came from apartment 4B, stopping him cold in the hallway. Penny. Silence. He turned to his door and again she groaned. In fact the grunts were getting quicker like she was in the throes of coitus yet he knew for a fact that Leonard was still at work.

Sheldon crossed over to her door.

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny!"

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny!"

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny!"

More grunting and groaning.

He quickly opened his apartment door and grabbed Penny's emergency key from the bowl. Sheldon then unceremoniously opened her door to find Penny on the floor doing some heinous stretching exercises with her IPod on.

Penny opened her eyes and gave out a shout of surprise before getting to her feet.

"Sheldon! What the hell?!" she gasped as she took off her ear buds.

"I heard sounds of distress and I wanted to make sure you were alright," he replied. "Goodbye." He turned to go.

"Sheldon, wait." He turned back. Penny thought he looked tired. "So what's been going on with you?"

"Well, I've become a junior professor, which clears up my dilemma regarding my area of research."

"That's good." Penny continued to do some stretching. "But what about you? How are you doing?"

"I'm unsure," he admitted. "Beverly's sending me for a brain scan this afternoon."

"Yeah, change is really hard," Penny said as she went to the counter for her bottled water. "I mean look at me, I've ditched the Cheesecake Factory to commit one hundred percent into my acting. Scary stuff but it's worth it."

"You're equating your career path with mine?" Sheldon snorted. "Penny, how many auditions have you been on?"

"I dunno. A couple of hundred at least."

"How many have you won?"

Penny paused before she aggressively put the cap back on her water.

"It's more about getting out there," she said testily. "Getting a reputation takes work."

"I've been involved with String Theory for twenty years. I've received accolades and awards for my work. Now I'm going on to dark matter research. Starting from scratch you would say."

"Why are you doing it?"

"Because it's the right thing to do," Sheldon said after a moment.

"We're both going for it," Penny grinned and began to stretch.

"The difference is that I have a reputation to fall back on. An established career," Sheldon countered. "You don't. You're twenty nine and what happens if you don't succeed as an actress? What do you have to fall back on?"

"I've got stuff," Penny stammered. "Look Sheldon, I've gotta get finished here before I go over some lines."

"Of course." Sheldon closed the door behind him.

"I've got lots of stuff," Penny said to herself as she bent over to touch her toes. "I can always go back to school"— _even though I dropped out after Leonard harassed my history partner and I barely squeaked by the exam_ —"or I can get another job." She envisioned herself as a waitress and physically shivered at the prospect.

"I've got Leonard," she said quietly.

Suddenly she didn't feel like exercising.

XXX

"Alright, Dr. Cooper," said the technician through the intercom. "I have a series of questions to ask you that were given to me by Dr. Hofstadter. Are you ready?"

Sheldon closed his eyes in the PET scanner and took a breath.

"I'm ready," he replied.

"First of all I'm going to give you a name and I want you to describe that person. Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Brilliant neurobiologist and Counterfactuals player." _The first woman I've ever loved_.

"Leonard Hofstadter."

"A homunculus experimental physicist with a lactose problem and asthma." _My best friend_.

"Barry Kripke."

"A poor excuse for a physicist with an equally repulsive sense of humour." _Who also bested me at my own research._

"Mary Cooper."

"A religious zealot who sings me Soft Kitty and—"

XXX

Leonard knocked at Penny's door before opening it to find his fiancée sitting on the couch in her aerobics clothing drinking a glass of wine.

"Hey," he said, seeing from the dejected look on her face that something was wrong. "Have a good day?"

"Oh yeah, terrific," she replied in a bitter tone. "I lined up some auditions, did my exercises and came to the conclusion that I am an idiot." She finished her glass of wine and went for the bottle on the table to refill. "Leonard, if I don't become an actress what the frak am I gonna do?" She took a sip of wine. "I mean I'm twenty nine and have nothing to fall back on. I'm a two time community college dropout, my résumé over the past nine years has me working as a waitress. I've got a big fat zero."

"You have me," he said adamantly.

"YuP." She took a gulp of wine. "I have you." She finished off her glass. "What am I gonna do?"

"How about we get you back to the Cheesecake Factory—not forever," he added quickly as Penny flashed him a death glare. "I mean until you decide what to do, whether it's a new career path or going back to school. Whatever. It'll give you something to live on while we figure things out."

"But it's like giving up," Penny pouted.

"No it's not. It's a strategic withdrawal."

"I guess."

Leonard grabbed the bottle of wine and poured some into her glass.

"Now we can put that acting stuff to bed and get working on a real future for the two of us," Leonard said gently. "You've got your biggest role yet—Mrs. Penny Hofstadter. I hear Angelina Jolie was fighting for it."

"Yeah I bet," Penny said with a little drunken smile. "I need some time."

"Of course." Leonard fidgeted. "Just to be clear, you mean time to sort stuff out not time to think over our impending marriage, right?"

"You're all I have, remember?" Penny said weakly.

"Yeah, there's the enthusiasm I know and love." Leonard gave her a light kiss.

xTBBTx

As the coffee finished burbling in the coffee maker Leonard hummed to himself as he got two mugs down from the cupboard. Last night with Penny had been good. Actually the past week had been more than good since Penny decided to forego acting. None of this early to bed stuff he'd put up with while she was prepping for her auditions which she never won. No, this past week was all about them. Wine, snuggling and sex.

"Your humming is becoming perilously close to whistling," Sheldon warned from his spot on the couch as he finished his cereal.

"Sorry. Just in a great mood." Leonard poured out the coffee and went to the refrigerator for his almond milk.

"Yes, yes, coitus." Sheldon went to the sink to wash his dishes.

"Not just that. Penny and I are in a domestic routine. Plus she's off to the Cheesecake Factory to get her job back today so things will become more stable from a financial perspective."

"Penny could barely afford her apartment with her waitressing salary. I fail to see how this will make Penny 'more stable' since either she's stable or she's not," Sheldon tsked as he dried his hands with a paper towel. "Really, your grasp of the English language is appalling."

"You know, I'm in such a good mood I'll let that slide," Leonard grinned. He put his milk in the refrigerator and took up the two mugs. "Now if you'll excuse me I've got to rise and shine Sleeping Beauty."

"Watch your throat," Sheldon warned.

"You got it," Leonard said and exited the apartment.

Sheldon went to his room to prepare for his shower since his bowel movement was delayed. He had no idea as to why—yesterday's routine was as normal, his fiber calibrations were accurate. The only thing that seemed plausible was that he was stressed at the prospect of teaching his first class this morning. HR had set up the half-course and, while Sheldon had guest lectured before, he'd never been in complete charge of a class. However, it wasn't the prospect of teaching that had him anxious as much as what this all represented—his first foray into a new career.

He opened his closet to look over his clothes. Being a junior professor meant wearing suits. Sheldon's eyes went to his purple plaid suit even as his hand took out his sports jacket. He looked at the apparel in his hands, how he'd gone shopping with Amy and Penny to pick out 'less dorky' clothes suitable for date nights. Only now there were no date nights so what did it matter how he dressed?

"I'm Sheldon Cooper, for goodness sakes, not a fashion bunny," he murmured.

Again his eyes went to his plaid suit before he took out a grey shirt and slacks and closed the door.

XXX

Penny applied some pink lip gloss to her lips and smiled at the bathroom mirror but the spark didn't reach her eyes. Today was the day she started her new life—only her new life meant going back to the Cheesecake Factory. It meant Leonard but it also meant she was a loser.

She turned off the light and exited into her bedroom to find a pair of flats to wear.

What bothered Penny the most about today was that there was no illusion that things were getting better. When she came to California with Kurt she had dreams of being an actress. While she waitressed it was merely a side job until her career took off. When she filled in paperwork, under 'occupation' she put 'actress'.

Now she was just a waitress.

Penny came out of the bedroom, grabbed her purse from off the couch and exited her apartment. She dug out her keys and locked her door before descending the stairs. As she reached the second floor landing her phone rang.

"Hey Penny," sniffled Bernadette. "You have to get over here right away."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just home with a cold. So, want a job?"

"I'm not going to take care of Howard's mother," Penny said seriously.

"Nothing like that. Stuart's doing a great job so just get your butt over here pronto. Unless you've got something better to do."

"Actually I was"—Penny thought about the yellow vested uniform and denim skirt she'd have to wear—"on my way over." She hung up the phone. "No way this could be any worse," she shrugged.

XXX

Sheldon sat in his empty classroom.

Not one student had signed up for his course. Apparently he was 'too difficult' and 'too condescending'.

"I didn't want to teach these poopy heads anyways," he mumbled to himself but inwardly he worried that this would affect his position as junior professor. If no one would take his classes he might be forced back into String Theory and that wasn't an option.

"Knock knock," said Howard as he knocked on the door frame. He took in Sheldon's slumped shoulders and glum demeanor. "It's lunch time, Sheldon. Your class is over."

"It was over before it even began," Sheldon sighed as he got up from his desk and began putting his notes into his briefcase.

"Hey, things happen. Just give people time to get to know you and—I mean I'm sure that your reputa—Let me buy you dessert," Howard smiled even as Sheldon glared.

"Told you he wouldn't be busy," said Leonard as Raj and he came to the door. Leonard looked around the class. "I see you've been teaching a room of your peers."

"Apparently," Sheldon grumbled as he took up his briefcase and the gang exited the room.

XXX

"Things were rough today but I'm positive it'll improve," Leonard said soothingly as Sheldon and he walked up the stairs to their apartment.

"What makes you certain?" asked Sheldon. "There's nothing logical to support your statement."

"Call it a gut feeling," said Leonard. "Making this leap to junior professor is a big step and you just have to let people get used to the idea that you're not as—Sheldony—as you once were."

"I don't feel any less 'Sheldony'."

"Give it time," Leonard said as he heard Beyonce bopping away from their floor. As they got to their landing it was obvious the music was coming from Penny's apartment. "You should be more like Penny. I mean she went out and got her Cheesecake Factory job back and just listen to her all bouncy and whatnot."

Sheldon didn't say anything as he unlocked the door and stepped into his apartment.

"Looks like it's celebratory sex tonight," grinned Leonard as he crossed to Penny's door and knocked before entering. Immediately he winced at the volume of the music but what had him particularly confused was the state of the apartment as the living room was practically blanketed with Penny's clothes.

"Oh!" gasped Penny as she came out of the bedroom walking awkwardly because she had the foam toe separators on so as to let her toenails dry. She turned down the stereo and waddled her way to the couch and sat.

"What's going on?" asked Leonard, pleased at the radiant smile on Penny's face.

"Bernadette's got me an interview at her company tomorrow!"

"That's terrific," Leonard grinned.

"You better believe it is." Penny took off the toe separators and put them in her nail polish box on the coffee table. "I can get out of debt and keep up to date on my bills and pay you back for the car you gave me."

"You don't have to."

"Sweetie, you better believe I do," Penny said happily. "Finally I can be an independent woman taking on the world on my terms!"

"Great," Leonard said, less enthusiastically.

"Anyhoo, I've gotta have a shower and set my hair. Then I can pick out what I'm gonna wear." Penny grinned. "I am so not going to blow this opportunity." She stood up and gave Leonard a kiss. "After I'm finished with them they'll wonder how they got along this far without me." She went to her bedroom to strip for her shower.

"Great," Leonard grumbled with a frown.

XXX

"Your test results aren't terribly surprising," said Beverly evenly from her desk in New Jersey.

"It's a tumor isn't it?" replied Sheldon as he adjusted his monitor to better see the neuroscientist.

"I couldn't be that lucky," Beverly said. "Your serotonin 1A receptor function is abnormal in the mesiotemporal cortex, raphe, anterior cingulate gyrus and left orbital cortex, which is common in patients with mood disorders."

"But I don't have a mood disorder," Sheldon said defensively.

"Denial. Interesting." Beverly scribbled down something on her IPAD.

"There's nothing to deny. I've undergone some changes over the last two months but that doesn't mean I have a mood disorder."

Beverly looked over her glasses directly into the camera.

"So you're unaware of your abrupt swings in behavior over the past four years?" she said seriously.

"I don't know what you mean," said Sheldon, albeit with a touch of unease in his tone.

"From what my notes indicate your imbalance commenced when you procured a clowder of cats as a replacement for your girlfriend."

"Amy wasn't my girlfriend then. She was a girl/friend but not—"

"Subsequently, your instability began to affect your vocal tone as over time you've become higher-pitched, not to mention the over-usage of Texas euphemisms and drawl. As your relationship with Amy continued you've become misogynistic and extremely infantile. Over our later conversations you've discussed your exploits when consuming alcohol, traipsed around the university in a French Maid's outfit, fretted over your contemplations of coitus and have generally whined about women, work and my son." Beverly snorted. "Frankly, if I wanted whiny I'd talk to my son."

Sheldon was taken aback.

"Why didn't you say anything before now?" he gasped.

"Sheldon, you're my friend; but more than that, you're case study three oh two. Why would I interject into your life when that would compromise both?"

"Point." Sheldon sat back in his chair as he pondered. "I've followed through with your earlier advice and have switched to a junior professorship in order to pursue dark matter research. My class is a failure as no one has registered for it and so I spent my morning sitting in an empty classroom. I don't like this feeling and I worry about what this will do for my career."

"Are you finished whining?" Beverly asked.

"I'm not whining," Sheldon replied with a bit of a frown. "I'm merely stating my position."

"Your logic is flawed. You're missing the crucial point regarding your classroom dilemma—and that is the fact that you actually see a problem."

"What do you mean?" Sheldon asked, surprised.

"Having no students means you have time to work on your research unimpeded," Beverly said dryly.

"You're right," the physicist nodded. "It would be like my researching days." A little smile crossed his face. "You've solved my problem."

"Oh, I highly doubt that." Beverly sat back in her chair. "I have to say, Sheldon, your change doesn't become you."

"Amy breaking up with me has been a distraction as of late." He noted the look of distaste on Beverly's face. "And I'm whining again. My apologies. I hadn't realized I wasn't myself."

"Obviously," snorted Beverly. "Since the Sheldon I knew stood firmly in his convictions instead of offering token apologies. Goodnight."

The computer monitor went black and Sheldon stared at his reflection on its screen.

xTBBTx

Leonard got a text and left his stir spoon in the spaghetti sauce to check it.

 _Penny: Home._

"Perfect," Leonard said. The spaghetti was ready, the sauce was ready and most important of all, his sympathetic face was ready. After all, there was no way Penny was going to get that job. She didn't even have a college degree and she'd be a pharmaceutical rep? He shook his head derisively as he lit the candles on the dinner table. Fortunately he was there to help float her through until she could get on her feet.

He went to the refrigerator for the wine and popped the cork. For some reason the sound made him feel as if this was a celebration.

The knob turned and Penny entered her apartment absolutely beaming carrying two bags of thick binders.

"I got the job!" she exclaimed happily.

"That's too bad," Leonard said sympathetically until he realized what she had said. "You did?!" he gasped.

"You betcha!" she said as she set the bags down by the couch before slipping out of her heels. "The interview was really tanking but then we got on to the subject of Bernadette and how bossy she is and things took off from there! I totally aced it from that point on and long story short you're looking at the latest pharma rep at their company!" Penny babbled, completely ignorant of Leonard's shocked look. "Anyhoo, they're giving me"—her phone rang—"just a sec. ... Hey Ames! I got the job! Yeah, totally." Penny went to her bedroom, turning at the door. "Just a sec." She looked to Leonard. "Smells great. I won't be long." She entered the bedroom. "Leonard cooked. ... Yeah, I could get used to this," she laughed.

Leonard wasn't pleased.

With a scowl he ladled out the spaghetti and sauce and served the table. He then poured out the wine and drained his glass before refilling it.

Penny came out of her bedroom in her comfy pants and a tank top.

"What's for dinner, Wilma?" she grinned as she sat at the table. "Wait, let's toast." They picked up their glasses. "To a new start."

"A new start," Leonard agreed with an ambiguous smile. They drank and then set their glasses down. "So you really think this is the best thing for you to be doing?"

"Leonard, it's a buttload of cash," Penny said with her mouth full. "You better believe this is best."

"There's a lot of studying involved," said Leonard as he listlessly twirled the spaghetti on the plate with his fork.

"Yeah, the manuals are huge but I figure I can crack them."

"But the words are big and all of the interactions are complicated and—"

"Leonard, I got the job," Penny said as she set down her fork. "I know what it entails. Bernadette and Amy are gonna give me a hand with some of the studying." She smiled reassuringly. "It'll be okay."

"What about asking me?" Leonard said, hurt.

"I don't want to bother you. You're my pop tart not my bran muffin," Penny winked.

"Yes but pop tarts are still a part of breakfast."

"Leonard, I want to do this on my own," Penny said seriously.

"Sure, sure," he said quickly. "I can see why. I mean you did pretty good with that history paper. Okay, maybe not as good as my paper would have been but it was still pretty good." He took a sip of wine. "Although this time if you screw up you could probably kill someone"—he caught her frown—"but that's neither here nor there." He held up his wine glass. "To Penny, a step into the future and—please don't leave me!"

"What?" gasped Penny. "Of course not! Leonard, this is for us."

"Of course it is." He gave a brave face. "My sexy fiancée has a new career. No need to be concerned." He brightened. "Hey, maybe we can move the wedding up?"

"To when?"

"Well if we line up early the Justice of the Peace should be able to see us tomorrow."

"Nice try," Penny said with a smirk.

xTBBTx

"Here you are," the redheaded waitress said with a plastered smile on her face as she set the burger platter on the table. "One barbecue bacon cheeseburger—barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side."

Although he was only one person dining Sheldon insisted on sitting at his usual table at the Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon let out an aggravated sigh as he inspected the platter. She took longer than Penny to get his burger assembled and given that his was the only order it was quite inexcusable.

"The bacon and cheese should be placed the other way around on the plate," he said. "It's a barbecue bacon cheeseburger not a barbecue cheese bacon burger."

"I'll remember that for next time," the waitress replied.

"Well that really doesn't help me this time, does it?"

The waitress nodded and then got the hell away from the table as fast as was professionally possible.

Sheldon assembled his burger and took a bite. Immediately memories of his feisty blonde-haired neighbor came to mind with her sassy comments and yellow tunic outfit that barely covered the cleavage exposed by her white lace top. He set down his burger and continued to chew, albeit more slowly. The burger tasted exactly the same as when Penny was here. Yes, that meant a sign of quality and consistency, but it also made him sad. Penny and the barbecue bacon cheeseburger were supposed to be inseparable but obviously this was not the case. Each has gone on their separate way. Like Sheldon's friends.

This restaurant table had seen everything from a mythical re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg to jokes about Leonard's lactose intolerance and sexual inadequacies, Raj's on again off again Hindu diet and Howard diving under the table to hide from an angry Bernadette. Sheldon frowned as he took another bite of burger. Now his friends were with their significant others and Amy's—

Sheldon had been at the Cheesecake Factory by himself for lunch but never for dinner. Previously he went to Big Boy with the guys. Leonard was the one who insisted on coming here because Penny was a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. A routine altered because of a female.

If Sheldon wanted to re-establish himself then he needed to get back to what made him a satisfied individual—and a successful physicist. Since conversing with Beverly he'd thought about his life over the past four years and came to the conclusion that she was right, he had changed. Moreover, he wasn't happy. He was unsure about things and he didn't like that feeling. In fact the very idea that he doubted himself would have been preposterous to a younger Sheldon.

If Sheldon wanted to re-establish himself then he needed to get back to the basics. He was a full-on junior professor now and he had to make this work. The question was how?

Sheldon set his burger down. He couldn't finish it. It tasted too 'right'.

And right now everything was so wrong.

xTBBTx

Examination of Brain Serotonin Receptors in Patients with Mood Disorders: wwwclinicaltrialsgov/ct2/show/NCT00026832


	6. Chapter 6

Reference to: 'The Love Spell Potential'; 'The Locomotive Manipulation'; 'The Stag Convergence'; 'The 43 Peculiarity'; 'The Contractual Obligation'

xTBBTx

"Congratulations on the new job—I mean career," Raj gushed to Penny as they all sat eating at apartment 4A.

"Career," Penny purred. "Although I really owe Bernadette for this."

"It's what friends do. Speaking of which, where's Sheldon?" squeaked Bernadette before taking a bite of her chow mein.

"At the university. He'll be home soon," replied Leonard as he applied some soy sauce to his food before returning the bottle to the coffee table.

"He's been working a lot," said Penny as she ate her dumpling. "He said there's a lot to catch up on before getting into his dark matter stuff."

The door opened and Sheldon entered.

"Forgive my tardiness. The bus was late," he said a tad disgruntled as he went to his computer and put his satchel on his chair. "I'll just rid myself of my bus pants and clean up." He went down the hall.

"That was different," said Raj. "Sheldon seemed—pleasant."

"I chalk it up to distraction," said Leonard with a smirk. "Still it's been nice."

"Almost makes you want to stay," chuckled Howard.

"Yeah-ah-no."

Sheldon came back to the living room and went to sit in his spot. He stared grimly at Bernadette.

"What?" she asked.

"You're in Penny's spot," he replied.

"Sheldon, it's okay," said Penny.

"No it's not," the lanky physicist replied as he sat in a huff in his spot. "Before Amy this was your spot. Now that Amy's gone it reverts back to yours. Now hop to it, lady," he said with a snap of the fingers.

"Sheldon, I'm fine over here," Penny growled, sitting in a computer chair next to Leonard.

"Oh good grief. Yes, everyone knows you and Leonard are, for the time being, engaged," Sheldon explained slowly. Leonard made to say something. "But that doesn't mean you have to sit together as visual evidence of your relationship status."

Howard got off the couch so Bernadette could slide down to the end.

"You know we'll never have peace until you sit there," he said to Penny. With a roll of the eyes she got up and moved to her 'spot' on the couch.

"Happy?" she said crisply.

"I'm not unhappy," Sheldon replied as he applied hot mustard to his chicken satay.

"So anyways, Emily's on-call this weekend at the hospital but she has someone to cover her until ten so that will give us at least a couple of hours of uninterrupted partying," Raj said happily as he ate.

"Good," replied Penny. "Because you guys are so gonna love this cocktail lounge. A few drinks under our belts and then we dance our asses off."

"Yeah, I don't know if they have enough alcohol in the entire bar to get me out dancing," Leonard said adamantly. "You remember what happened last time," he said, wincing at the thought of his kinked knee.

"I dunno. You certainly can move that butt when you want to, Dr. Hofstadter," Penny purred. Sheldon put down his chop sticks.

"Is all of this really necessary?" he tsked. "What happened to decent conversation?"

"Not everything is about you, Sheldon," said Penny with a smirk.

"Yes, well, not everything is about alcohol-induced frivolity and coitus abounding." Sheldon straightened in his seat. "In fact I've been thinking over what we used to do prior to our knowing you girls."

"Like sitting around moping because we didn't have a girl?" teased Raj, garnering a glare.

"Gentlemen, we played paintball, went to Renaissance Fairs, various science fiction and fantasy conventions, kite-fighting tournaments, movie marathons at the theatre, built and launched model rockets, had weekend long video game sleepovers—"

"You had one when Howie and I were going out," Bernadette interrupted.

"One which was ruined by your insistence on coming," Sheldon amended.

"Don't forget you were going to go with Amy to the science museum," scowled Raj.

"My point exactly," agreed Sheldon. "Completely delusional."

"Well no one's stopping you from doing these things, Sheldon," said Bernadette.

Howard turned to his wife, an excited look on his face.

"You mean you'd go to a Renaissance Fair with me?" he said hopefully.

"Sure."

"That's terrific! Ma can make you up a costume in no time flat." Bernadette raised an eyebrow.

"Wait, we have to wear costumes?" she asked.

"We're going to a Fair," Howard pointed out. "We can't just wear regular clothes."

Bernadette rested her food container on her lap.

"When I go to a hockey game with my dad I don't wear skates and a helmet," she said pointedly.

"But when you went to Disney World you dressed like a princess," Howard countered, proud until he caught his wife's frown. "Of course, you're always a princess so I guess it wasn't much of a costume change." He returned to his food.

"The point is, we used to be more diverse," Sheldon said. "We're now stilted."

"Hey, you used to do stuff when I first met you," said Penny.

"We did. Then it was supplanted by Leonard's desire to copulate with you."

"It wasn't just sex—although it's great," gushed Leonard. "Relationships give people stability."

Sheldon cocked his head as he regarded his roommate.

"You followed Penny's history partner down the stairs and threatened him," he said evenly.

"Sheldon, what Leonard's saying is that relationships are transformative," said Bernadette. "I mean look at Howie, he was a pervert and now he's my sweet tushie face." She blew Howard a kiss.

"Interesting," said Sheldon thoughtfully. "So you're saying that relationships change people at a fundamental level?" He looked to Howard. "You're no longer the man you were?"

"Nope. That guy is gone," said Howard amiably.

"So you're no longer an engineer or like comic books or role-playing games or model rockets or magic or—"

"What I mean is that the creepy guy I was is gone," the engineer amended.

"Ah," nodded Sheldon. "So certain aspects considered negative are negated."

"That's right."

"And this is supposed to make you a 'better person'."

"Exactly," said Leonard.

"Who determines if you're 'better'?"

"You do," said Raj. "Your partner. Family. Friends."

"And this is judged by consensus?" asked Sheldon.

"More or less."

"Huh." Sheldon mixed his satay with his chop sticks before looking at his friends. "Was I a 'better person' with Amy?" Leonard glanced at Penny.

"Well, there are different ways of judging that," he said slowly.

"Based on your previous formula."

"You know, I really liked Guardians of the Galaxy," said Leonard as he squirmed in his chair.

"Yes," Raj agreed quickly. "I have a Dancing Groot bobblehead."

"I'm serious," Sheldon said firmly.

Penny put her dumpling container on her lap.

"Sheldon, honey, I think it's something you have to sort out for yourself," she said gently.

"But you're my friends. Your observations are required if I'm to formulate a conclusion." Sheldon looked to his roommate. "Leonard?"

"Well you're less annoying," he replied. "And you weren't as anal about things like the Roommate Agreement and stuff."

"And now you're easier with touching and germs," added Raj.

"You even thought about having sex with someone. That's big," said Penny.

"You're more aware of other people's feelings," said Howard.

"Actually, you're more aware of your own feelings as well," said Leonard.

"I'm more than aware of my feelings," snapped Sheldon.

"Well you show them more. It's nice."

"Well, that's a lot," Sheldon said with a bit of a flush on his cheeks even as he pursed his lips. "With so much previously 'wrong' with me it's a wonder how we were friends before Amy."

"Believe me, we wondered sometimes, too," grinned Raj.

Sheldon glared at the astrophysicist before taking an aggressive bite of satay.

"So that's three people in transition," said Bernadette.

"Three?" said Leonard. "Sheldon's changed jobs and Penny has a job. Who's the third?"

"Did I say, three?" Bernadette said awkwardly as she looked between Leonard and Penny. "I mean that in a general sense. You know, 'all three people played for the Cowboys at last week's game'." She took in a room of dubious looks. "Okay. Amy's going to Chicago on a research grant."

At once everyone in the room turned to look at Sheldon, who froze at the attention.

"What?" he asked defensively.

"Nothing," Leonard replied and everyone went back to their food.

"Good for Amy getting on with her life," Sheldon said as he stuck his chop sticks into his food and rose. "Admirable. Professional." He grabbed his bottled water from the table and went to his room.

"Not to mention completely shitty," Penny said in a low voice.

xTBBTx

Sheldon stood back to take in the full scope of his whiteboards that he placed in front of his locked office door. He didn't want to admit that what his friends said bothered him but as his entire afternoon had been devoted to this enterprise he knew he was only fooling himself.

There was no doubt he was functioning on the law of diminishing returns.

Board one listed out what he did prior to knowing Amy. It was packed to the brim with everything from kite fighting and Klingon Boggle to making cornmeal dance on top of a speaker and secret agent laser obstacle chess.

Board two reflected what he did when Amy was around. There were some items overlapping from board one like trips to the zoo and going to science book readings to heckle but overall he could see that his time was taken up with other things like counterfactuals and dinner parties. Boyfriend/girlfriend sing along night. Date nights. Basket weaving. Even things he used to do separately from Amy, like going to the comic book store, seemed to fall under her parameter. The Halloween party at Stuart's store became a nightmare compromise of 'Raggedy C3PO'to her 'Raggedy Ann'. It was important, Amy said, for them to be seen in public as a couple. It pained her that the others thought her relationship with Sheldon was a joke. Sheldon didn't see what the big deal was as he felt their relationship was an intimate affair not subject to other peoples' opinions. But obviously it was a big deal to her as their relationship dissolved.

His eyes flashed to the third board which looked sparse at best. It marked out what he could do now. Of course winning the Nobel Prize was on the list as was attending Comic Con but what made him quit writing was the sudden realization that he couldn't just add what he did before Amy came to the board because another major shift had happened—Leonard was engaged and about to move out of the apartment. In fact all of them had significant others who took up much of their time. Now when they did get together it was for dinners at each others' places or an occasional Halo night or Dungeons and Dragons game.

And now Sheldon was single, hence not a part of the new group dynamic. Granted, Raj was single for a long while but often complained about being a third wheel. The only logical thing was for Sheldon to retreat even further to before he met Leonard, Howard and Raj. A time when he was content being alone, in fact preferred it to interacting with other people.

Only he didn't want to do that.

He said nothing about what happened in the Arctic in order to maintain his friendships because he knew if things came to a head he'd be alone. He was Raj and Howard's tertiary friend so any dispute between Leonard and him would result in their taking Leonard's side.

Sheldon took his marker and wrote at the top of the first board, 'Sheldon with Leonard', and 'Sheldon with Amy' on the second. He scowled at the third board before taking the eraser and wiping it clean. He didn't like what was happening. As Amy was going Chicago there was only one thing he could do.

XXX

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"What's up, buttercup?" asked Penny as she opened the door.

"I want you to break your engagement to Leonard or else permanently move into our apartment," he said firmly.

"Neither is gonna happen," Penny said with an amused smirk. "Besides, I thought you said I was too messy to be a roommate?"

"I could adjust." A twitch squinted his right eye.

"Sweetie, is this about Leonard leaving?"

"I want Halo night and comic book Wednesdays and trips to the dentist."

"Sheldon, we're across the hall." Penny gently squeezed his arm. "You can still have all that."

"Until you breed and then move to another apartment," he scowled.

"We could always trade apartments."

"Why not?" Sheldon snorted. "It's not like anything matters anymore."

Penny's Sheldonese translator kicked into action.

"Sucks that Amy's going, huh?" she asked.

"I thought I had things planned out when I returned only to have Amy leave me," said Sheldon. "I spent the afternoon writing out the implications." His eyes dropped to the floor. "There are a lot more than I had anticipated."

"You did go out a long time," Penny said sympathetically. Sheldon looked her in the face.

"What you said last night about my having changed 'for the better'," he said seriously. "You stand by that?"

"Well, yeah. You're less of a whack-a-doodle for one thing."

"A whack-a-doodle who won the president's medal and was one of the most scintillating minds of the century," Sheldon sniffed. "I solved the black hole information paradox. Even Hawking couldn't do that." He shook his head. "And now my career's floundering to the point of abandonment and I'm starting anew. I've wasted so much time."

"Relationships aren't a waste, Sheldon."

"She changed me," Sheldon pouted. "I want to go back to where I was prior to meeting her but I can't. Time has passed and my friends are in relationships and my routines have been altered to the point of being unrecognizable." His jaw stiffened. "I went to Big Boy on Tuesday but it didn't feel right as the hippies would say. I was alone."

"Honey, you don't have to go alone. Just ask Leonard and I'm sure—"

"Penny, you don't understand. I've been alone most of my life. I've craved solitude because I could concentrate on my studies and wouldn't have to worry about being insulted by schoolyard antagonists or neighborhood bullies. With all of you going through with your pair bonding I realize that I will again be alone. Only this time it's different."

"How?" Blue eyes met green.

"I'm lonely," he said softly.

"I'm sorry, Sheldon," Penny replied equally as soft. Sheldon cleared his throat.

"Amy was the one person I've met who's the most like me," he said evenly.

"And you miss the connection." He nodded. "Sheldon, there are plenty more fish in the sea. It's not Amy or an apartment full of cats. I mean look at me. I went on like a zillion dates until I found Leonard."

"Out of one hundred and ninety three dates you managed to find a myopic, short, lactose intolerant man," snorted Sheldon. "You're not exactly extolling the benefits of having an expanded pool of candidates." Pause. "I want someone like Amy."

"Believe me, no one's gonna be like Amy," Penny replied diplomatically. "But that doesn't mean you won't like her, too, when the right person comes along."

"I suppose," the physicist said after a moment.

"You've gotta figure this out on your own, chum." He made to speak. "And it won't be on a whiteboard."

"Then how?"

"You've gotta meet people."

"You mean field work," Sheldon amended.

"If it means getting your plaid butt out there meeting people then yes I do," Penny said with a grin.

"Huh. It never occurred to me to meet new people," said Sheldon slowly. "The last friend I made was Eric. He loves trains, too."

"Time to think outside the box," said Penny. "You know, girls for one thing." Sheldon widened his eyes in excitement.

"I could date a conductor! We could ride the rails together—at a discount no less!" he said breathlessly.

"Let's keep thinking," Penny said with a little smile.

xTBBTx

"Uh huh," said Howard as he sat on his couch talking on the phone. "Uh, sure. I think I can replicate it."

His odd tone made Bernadette look up from the book she was reading to regard her husband.

"Same place?" Howard continued. "Okay. ... I'll go do it right now." He hung up and, to Bernadette, looked rather shell-shocked.

"Who was that?" she squeaked.

Howard shook his head to revive himself.

"Sheldon," he said, again in an odd tone. "He said he wanted me to write up his profile for a dating site."

xTBBTx

"I bet you're excited," squeaked Bernadette as she sat on Amy's couch. "I really like Chicago."

"It's a quaint city, murder rate aside," Amy agreed.

"So how long will you be gone?" Penny asked.

"The contract is for a year but it might be extended depending on our results." Amy took a sip of wine. "I have a colleague there so I won't be alone." She glanced at Penny. "Not that she'll ever replace you, bestie."

"What about me?" asked Bernadette.

"Where else would I find a better cute in the right light friend?" added Amy. She picked up a chip. "We're actually quite the quirky little family. It's a wonder we all met."

"You have to thank Howard and his dating prank for that," Penny snorted. "Though I doubt it'll happen twi—" She blanched.

"Quite right," Amy said as she munched the chip. "The very idea that Sheldon would be interested in pursuing a relationship with someone is preposterous." She noted the looks Bernadette and Penny gave each other. "What?"

"It's nothing, right Penny?" Bernadette said before taking a big gulp of wine.

"Yeah, Sheldon came by the other day and blah, blah, blah. You know Sheldon," Penny stammered before she, too, took a gulp of wine.

"Penny, it's been three months," said Amy evenly. "Believe me that nothing Sheldon could say would unsettle me." She smirked. "Did he say he missed me?"

"Kinda." Penny began to blush. "He said a lot of things."

"Good," Amy said firmly. "It's about time he realized what I brought to the table. I've been nothing but patient with him and he's been nothing but difficult." She munched on another chip. "So how does he plan to rectify the situation?"

"Well," Penny winced. "He's kinda sorta gonna start dating." Amy's mouth dropped.

"How can he be ready to date?!" Amy snapped incredulously. "He barely dated me and that took four years!"

"He's lonely," Penny continued. "He misses the connection the two of you had."

"Only Sheldon could mess this up." Amy gave an exasperated sigh.

"Mess what up?" asked Bernadette.

"I wanted him to see how much he needs me. To realize that I'm the most important thing in his life and that he needs to pay attention to my needs," said Amy.

"So are you gonna talk to him?" asked Penny.

"Not right now. I want him to wallow," Amy said simply, her tone freezing Penny's veins. "Once I get back from Chicago we'll talk and resume our relationship."

"But what if Sheldon finds a girlfriend?" Penny asked.

Bernadette and Amy looked at each other before giving out a mutual snort.

"Like that will happen," laughed Bernadette.

"This is Sheldon we're talking about," Amy agreed.

"Well you never know," Penny frowned as she stood. "I mean look at me, from an actress to a pharmaceutical rep like that"—she snapped her fingers. "I mean things happen."

Penny went to the washroom and closed the door.

"From an actress to a pharmaceutical rep," Amy said with a smirk. "And will probably be just as successful."

"That's not true, there's a lot of flirting and innuendo involved with being a rep," said Bernadette. "That's really playing to Penny's strengths."

"Who knew her tramping around would be a career asset outside of prostitution?" mused Amy. "Too bad she can't have sex with her clients because then she'd be the top earner at your company."

"Amy!" Bernadette hissed as she heard the toilet flush.

"Well how else do you explain Leonard keeping her?"

"Because you're right doesn't mean it's nice to say," Bernadette said as the bathroom door opened and Penny emerged.

"More wine, bestie?" asked Amy as she held up the bottle.

"Sure," said Penny as she sat.

"So this is our last night together," said Bernadette as Amy topped up their glasses.

"To friendship," Amy said and the three clinked glasses.


	7. Chapter 7

Reference to: 'The Hook-Up Reverberation'; 'The Closure Alternative'

xTBBTx

After putting on her comfy clothes Penny made her way across the hall to 4A and entered.

"Hey Sheldon," she said.

"Leonard's not here," Sheldon mumbled as he sat in front of his computer with his arms folded over his chest and a scowl on his face.

"Yeah, he said he was out with Raj." She sat on the arm of the couch. "So why the glum face?"

Sheldon let out a disgruntled sigh.

"Two weeks ago I had Wolowitz recreate my profile for the same internet dating site he used to find Amy," he said.

"Okay. So far so good. Any hits?"

"One."

"Even better. Who is she?" Penny asked as she came to stand behind Sheldon.

"Her name is Shalala. She's an exiled Nigerian princess who needs some funds in order to reclaim her title through the court system."

"You didn't reply to this, did you?" Penny gasped.

"Did you know she didn't even have the vaguest idea as to how to proceed with filing an appeals application?" tsked Sheldon.

"Sheldon, it's a scam."

"I know it's a scam."

"So why did you answer it?"

"Because it's the only inquiry I got." Another exasperated sigh. "I don't know what the problem is. Howard said Amy latched on to me in less than twenty four hours. Now it's been three weeks and nothing."

"Not everyone's successful at internet dating," Penny said diplomatically. "Hey, let me have a look at your profile."

Sheldon clicked to the screen before getting up for a bottled water. Penny sat in the chair and read:

 _Greetings fellow life-form._

 _While I believe the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum I nevertheless have decided to post this profile as a ridiculous endeavor to attract a potential mate for establishing a mutually amenable relationship of the mind._

 _My credentials include multiple doctorates in physics and mathematics and a life membership in the Justice League of America._

 _Subjects you should be familiar with include trains, physics, the Klingon language, basic survival skills in the event of an emergency or apocalyptic disaster or zombie attack and the pros and cons of establishing a new 52 universe in a previously established and well maintained post Crisis on Infinite Earths setting. A driver's license and vehicle are an asset._

 _Those interested in the exploits of Riverdale High or are from Nebraska need not apply._

 _Live long and prosper._

"What's wrong with Nebraskans?" Penny snapped.

"I don't want someone whose life experiences include cow-tipping, corn-shucking and extolling worldly advice in a folksy jargon."

"What about you mother? She gives worldly advice in a folksy jargon."

"She speaks Texan," said Sheldon as he went to his spot on the couch and sat.

"So?"

"So it's a dialect of its own. You don't hear people say, 'He spoke to her in a heavy Nebraskan accent.'" Penny rolled her eyes. "But back to my initial quandary, I'm not sure what to do regarding the dating site."

"Well, for one thing maybe you should take off your Vulcan salute profile picture," Penny began. "And maybe tweak the rest of it by getting rid of a few things."

"Like what?"

"Everything." Sheldon pursed his lips.

"It worked before," he said crisply. "Amy Farrah Fowler came out as a match."

Penny closed the laptop and spun the computer chair to face her friend.

"Maybe we should start with something simple. What are you looking for in a mate?" she asked.

"Hmm." Sheldon cocked his head in thought. "Well she has to be intelligent—particularly in the sciences—and overall be interesting. Complete reverence for me also works."

"Eyah." Penny got out of the chair and went to the end of the couch. "Well, if the girls won't come to you, you've gotta go to the girls."

"I already looked through several profiles. Too many of them 'heart' this and 'colon right parenthesis' that," Sheldon said with a look of distaste.

"I mean in real life. Not on a computer." Sheldon snorted. "Look, Leonard took a chance."

"He went across the hall."

"It's still further than the living room," Penny retorted.

"Point." Sheldon looked to his neighbor. "I believe this is the time to enact the integral part of the implied covenant of friendship."

"A favor?" she asked, her stomach sinking. "Like what?"

"Wolowitz and Leonard had a covenant that if either had a girlfriend the other would set up the single friend with one of his girlfriend's friends."

"You mean you want me to set up a blind date?" said Penny.

"She doesn't have to be visually impaired but I'll leave that to your judgment," Sheldon said evenly.

Penny blinked hard before exiting the apartment.

"Who the frak can I set up with Sheldon?" she said as she crossed the hall and entered her apartment.

It was a delicate process. it had to be someone nice enough for Sheldon and at the same time no big loss if she never spoke to Penny again after the date.

Penny picked up her phone and plunked on her couch and began to scroll her contacts.

xTBBTx

"Studying up?" Bernadette asked as she munched on a carrot stick in the pharmaceutical company dining hall.

"No, something even more complex—getting Sheldon a date," Penny said distractedly as she scrolled her phone. With a sigh she put it down by her lunch tray. "I keep going over who I know but I just can't see anyone with him. I mean Cheesecake Factory people or actors?"

"Yeah, I can't see that either."

"Then there's the added twist to this—it can't be someone bad or I don't give a crap about because this is Sheldon I'm helping and he's my friend and I love him; but then again she can't be someone I really like because, again, this is Sheldon we're talking about. He'll most likely eat her for breakfast and I'll never talk to her again." Penny snorted. "I'll probably be on her 'mortal enemies' list."

"So what made you set me up with Howard?" asked Bernadette before taking a bite of her chicken salad.

"Since you're super nice I thought that if anyone had a chance to last an entire date before telling him you never wanted to see him again it'd be you," smirked Penny. Bernadette laughed. "Plus he's short."

"Well if we follow the same pattern we need someone uber nice." Bernadette thought for a moment. "How about Amanda? She's pretty nice."

"Gee, I dunno. She was one of the first people here to say hello to me." Penny replied.

"Just as a question, why are you helping Sheldon?"

"He asked as a favor." Penny peppered her own salad. "I couldn't say no."

"But what about Amy? If you get Sheldon a girlfriend she'll be devastated," Bernadette warned.

"So what do I do?" asked Penny.

"Tell Sheldon the truth—you don't know anyone suitable to go out with him."

"But that's not the truth," Penny said with a slight frown. "The truth is that I'm not supposed to get him a girlfriend because I'm friends with Amy and she will take him back when she's good and ready."

"Yeah, I don't think I'd tell Sheldon that," Bernadette said diplomatically as she ate.

Penny went to take another bite of salad but lowered the fork to the bowl.

"He's lonely," she said seriously. "I've seen him stand-offish and crazy and a pain in the ass but never this." Penny looked squarely at Bernadette. "I'd be a real jerk if I didn't try."

"Then that answers your problem," Bernadette said evenly. Penny looked at her questioningly. "Hey, you threw me under the Wolowitz bus so why have a conscience now?"

"Amanda it is," Penny said with a smirk. "So what do I say to her? 'I've got a real good guy I want you to meet. What's your opinion on Star Trek, comic books and physics?'"

"Keep to the basics," Bernadette said. "Sheldon's a double doctorate, a junior professor in physics, tall, blue-eyed, hygienic. That way when she comes at you afterwards you can say that you didn't lie to her."

"Man, I feel guilty about this," Penny sighed.

"Me too. Fortunately I'm Catholic so I can confess this all away on Sunday," Bernadette said sweetly before continuing to eat.

"Okay," Penny said as she did her best to psych herself up. "Amanda. Amanda." She nearly bore a hole into Bernadette's head with her eyes. "And no telling Amy about this."

"Are you kidding?" gasped Bernadette. "She'll say I helped you out. That makes me guilty by delusional crazy lady."

"There's Amanda," said Penny as an average height brunette wearing a smart looking loose tank top and cardigan walked by with her lunch tray. "Wish me luck!"

Penny left the table with her own tray.

"Maybe I'll make a donation to the Church, too," Bernadette sighed.

XXX

Leonard took off his glasses as Penny turned off the lamp before both settled in her bed.

"So I got Sheldon a date," Penny said after a moment.

"Really? You have Bernadette grow something in the lab?" chuckled Leonard.

"Nothing that drastic—although I'll keep that in mind if he asks again," grinned Penny. "But seriously, Amanda's a pharma rep like me only she has a degree in business. I realize it isn't science but at least it's a degree, right?" She sighed. "I wish I knew some of the scientists a little better. Bernadette wasn't willing to cough any of them up."

"Hey, us scientists aren't only attracted to other scientists, y'know," Leonard said. He leaned over and they kissed before he settled back in his spot.

"Now here's where we come in—"

"'We come in'? Are you nuts?"

"Leonard, I can't just send Amanda out alone with Sheldon," said Penny. "I told her it'd be a double date."

"What did I do to deserve this?" Leonard groaned.

"Who said our relationship was 'for better or worse'?"

"Yeah but I didn't say 'for better or Sheldon'." Penny whacked his arm with her elbow. "Fine, we'll go."

"Thank you," said Penny and closed her eyes.

"Listen," Leonard said slowly. "I wanted to talk to you about something and since you owe me big time—"

"Yeah, yeah, get on with it."

"Raj, Howard, Sheldon and I were thinking about investing in another comic book store for Stuart."

"Really?" Penny said as she turned her head towards him. "I thought he was starving all the time and nearly homeless when he ran his store?"

"Well so were you but I still liked you," Leonard quipped. He smiled at the sound of Penny's raspberry. "Seriously, with Sheldon's business skills and Stuart's friendliness it'll be good. Plus we'll have our comic books at a forty percent discount so that'll save money."

"Hey, it's your money," said Penny. Leonard turned on his side to face her.

"No, it's our money," he amended.

"What am I gonna do with cheap comic books, sprinkle them on the bed like rose petals?" she snorted.

"Well you could, although we'd have to pick them up before we slept so I wouldn't recommend doing it on a weeknight."

Penny put her hand to her forehead.

"Leonard, do what you want. Just because we're getting married doesn't mean we go into everything fifty/fifty. Comic books are your passion. I'm okay with that."

"And you said I'm your passion," Leonard said happily. "And I'm okay with that, too."

Again they kissed before settling back to sleep.

"I really like what I'm doing, Leonard," said Penny. "These drugs I sell can really do wonders. Well, and kill you sometimes but that's only a rare side effect." They both chuckled. "Having money and a career, I feel like I'm becoming a whole new person." She smiled. "I'm finally getting passionate about something like I used to be when I wanted to be an actress."

"Don't forget you're still in the three month probation period," said Leonard seriously. "Things can happen."

"Downer, Leonard."

"I just don't want you to be disappointed if things don't work out."

"I won't—because things will work out. My psychic told me," Penny said happily.

"Oh, well then who am I to argue?" Leonard said in an even voice, glad she couldn't see his eyes rolling in the dark.

xTBBTx

"Sheldon?" Penny asked as she stood in front of his bedroom door.

"It's open," he called.

Penny opened the door to find him on his bed reading an article on his laptop.

"Hey, listen, I just wanted to go over what we're doing tonight," she said. "You know, so things go okay."

"Why wouldn't they go 'okay'?" Sheldon replied without looking up. "I'm meeting Amanda at the apartment before proceeding to the restaurant. Nothing complex about that."

In a normal situation talking with a normal guy Penny would have left it at that. But this was Sheldon.

"Yeah, okay. Well let's go over some ground rules. One, no talking about trains or Star Trek."

"What if she brings up the topics?" asked Sheldon as his head rose to face his neighbor.

"Won't happen," Penny said firmly. "Secondly, you're there to get to know her not her opinion on global warming or if she knows the fiber content of her favorite cereal." She blanched. "And for God's sake don't ask about her bowel movements or menstrual cycle!"

"Penny, while I don't like engaging in social exchanges I'm not ignorant of the intricacies of 'chit-chatting'," Sheldon said derisively. "By direct questioning and observing social clues I will ascertain whether Amanda is suitable to date."

"So why do you talk to me about my time of the month?" Penny smirked.

"You're my neighbor, Leonard's fiancée and my friend. Since you're so involved in my life it's imperative for my wellbeing if I'm appraised of your menses cycle so I'll know when to give you allowance for being hormonally unstable," Sheldon replied. He took in her grin. "Plus I feel comfortable enough with you to ask more detailed questions."

"That's great," Penny said. "Uh, not the subject matter but the sentiment."

"Indeed." His eyes went back to his article. "Now if we've concluded our conversation I'd like to finish this before I get ready."

"Sure, sure." Penny turned to go but stopped. "Oh, what are you planning to wear?"

"It's a date. I have readily available 'date night' clothes."

"Okay, cool."

Sheldon looked at her curiously and Penny cracked an awkward smile before exiting the room and closing the door.

"That wasn't too bad," she said to herself. "Maybe things will be okay after all."

XXX

"I've got a bad feeling about this," mumbled Leonard as he adjusted his tie in his bedroom.

"That's why we're going as moral support," replied Penny.

"For Sheldon or your friend?"

"Uh, eyah. And I wouldn't quite call her a friend." Leonard snorted.

"After tonight I wouldn't recommend calling her at all," he quipped. Penny stuck out her tongue.

"Come on, let's get this going. Amanda's in the living room with Sheldon."

The pair left his bedroom and went to the living room.

"Peanut butter," Sheldon said to Amanda as the pair sat on the couch. "Smooth or crunchy?"

"Uh, crunchy," Amanda replied. Sheldon made a face. "Although I like smooth, too, sometimes."

"Sounds like you lack commitment," he tsked. "I don't know if I like people who whiffle-whaffle."

The brunette's brown eyes widened in a cross between 'what the hell?' and relief as Penny and Leonard arrived.

"So, ready to eat?" Penny said overenthusiastically.

"We're eating Chinese," said Sheldon as Amanda and he got off the couch. "Because it's Friday and Friday's Chinese food night. Usually we get take out from Szechuan Palace but since you're here tonight will be a treat—we'll be eating in at Szechuan Palace." Sheldon smiled awkwardly before they went to and out the door. "Now, jam or jelly? And please have an opinion this time."

"A really bad feeling about this," Leonard said again with a shake of the head as he grabbed his keys.

Penny said nothing, already busy removing Amanda from her contacts page on her phone.

XXX

Out of the corner of her eye Amanda took in her 'date' as they sat in the back seat of Leonard's car. There was no question Sheldon was handsome; in fact the moment the door opened at the apartment and she saw him in a crisp grey shirt and sports jacket she made a mental note to thank Penny for finding such a catch. And a professor at a university no less! She couldn't understand how someone like this could be single.

And then Sheldon opened his mouth.

There was no doubt in her mind that Sheldon Cooper was completely nuts.

"Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?" Sheldon asked.

"Sheldon, maybe that's enough questions for now," Leonard said as he drove.

"But how am I supposed to get to know Amanda if I don't query her?" Sheldon asked, puzzled.

"Why not try conversation?"

"Alright." Sheldon politely cleared his throat as he turned his head to address Amanda. "In a world where stuffed animals roam free—"

"No counterfactuals!" Leonard cried.

" _Fine_ ," Sheldon pouted as he sat back in his seat. He composed himself and then again addressed his seatmate with an awkward smile. "Hello."

"Hello," Amanda replied tentatively.

"See, this isn't going to work at all," Sheldon said excitedly to Leonard.

"So, Amanda, where are you from?" Penny asked in an overly bubbly voice.

"Detroit," she replied.

"The home of Motown," Sheldon said.

"Absolutely," Amanda grinned.

"Also the highest murder rate per city with a greater than one hundred thousand population in the United States. Just by exiting the city your life expectancy has gone up substantially."

"Yeah," grumped Amanda as she took out her phone and texted Penny.

Penny took out her phone and read, 'KMN'.

 _Not bad_ , Penny thought. _At least Amanda's not homicidal_.

XXX

"Are you ready to order?" asked the waiter. Of course he recognized Leonard and Sheldon from all the years they'd eaten in or got take out from the restaurant but what confused him were the two normal, and, to be honest, nice looking women sitting with them.

"We'll start with four vegetarian dumplings," said Sheldon. "We'll also have shrimp-fried rice—" He looked to Leonard.

"Lemon chicken," he said.

"Sweet and sour veggies," said Penny.

"And vegetable chop suey," said Amanda as she closed her menu.

"Here we go," sighed Leonard.

"We can't have chop suey," Sheldon said firmly.

"Why not?" Amanda asked wearily.

"Because we're eating Chinese food."

"So why can't she order chop suey?" asked Penny. Leonard closed his eyes and gave a soft groan.

"Penny," Sheldon said as he straightened in his seat. "Chop suey is predominantly an American Chinese dish, not Asiatic Chinese."

"So?" He pursed his lips.

"So we're eating in a Szechwan Palace not the Pasadena Palace."

"But we're in Pasadena," said Penny with a bit of a frown. "And the food is being made in an American Chinese restaurant."

"But on the sign it says that Szechwan Palace offers authentic Szechwan cuisine," Sheldon said smugly.

An idea came to Leonard.

"Yes, but by 'authentic Szechwan cuisine' do they mean Szechwan food or cuisine made by Szechwan chefs?" he asked.

"Hmm." Sheldon sat back in thought.

"We'll have the vegetable chop suey," Leonard said happily.

"Can't have it. We already have two vegetable dishes," Sheldon said distractedly.

"How about if I order chicken chop suey?" asked Amanda desperately.

Sheldon turned to the waiter.

"What's your chicken to vegetable ratio?" he asked.

"Sheldon, just order the chicken chop suey!" Leonard gasped.

"Fine. Let's enjoy our 'Szechwan Chinese food'," Sheldon said using air quotes with his fingers.

With a shake of the head and a muttering or two in Mandarin the waiter left for the kitchen.

xTBBTx

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"Door's open, Sheldon," she called. Sheldon entered.

"Hey," said Leonard from the kitchen table as he sat drinking coffee. "What's up?"

"I was just thinking about our date last night. I think it went quite well," said Sheldon brightly.

Penny and Leonard looked at each other.

"Really?" Leonard asked incredulously. "What makes you think that?"

"We had polite conversation, dinner and drove her back to her apartment. A textbook date if there ever was one," Sheldon said evenly.

"Yeah, about that," said Penny. "I don't think Amanda wants to pursue anything with you."

"Well that's a relief," sighed Sheldon. "The chop suey incident I could overlook but crunchy over smooth peanut butter?" He shook his head. "Obviously next time you'll have to vet out your prospective date."

Penny's eyes widened.

"Next time?" she squeaked before looking desperately at Leonard. She couldn't afford to make many more enemies at work.

"Sheldon, maybe Penny's friends aren't right for you," said Leonard slowly. "You know, different spheres of interests. I mean, come on, crunchy peanut butter?"

"Perhaps you're right," said Sheldon. "Penny's workplace offers nothing but biologists and business majors." He paused as he looked to Penny. "And of course community college drop outs."

"Yeah, yeah," she growled.

"I need someone more academically inclined with an interesting line of work," Sheldon nodded thoughtfully.

"And the patience of a saint," Penny said as she went to the kitchen for more coffee.

"I'd prefer an atheist," Sheldon said seriously. "I've had enough religion from my mother."

Penny rolled her eyes even as Leonard smiled into his cup of coffee.


	8. Chapter 8

Reference to: 'The Hofstadter Isotope'; 'The Einstein Approximation'

xTBBTx

"So Sheldon," said Raj with a glint in his eyes as the latter sat down at the lunch table. "I heard your date went well."

"It did, although Amanda was tedious," Sheldon replied as he took a napkin from his tray and cleaned his hands. "If I wanted a night of mind-numbing conversation I could just talk with Leonard about his work."

"Hey!" grumbled Leonard. "I worked with Stephen Hawking!"

"So did I," Howard added.

"See? Even an engineer works with Hawking. Good point, Howard," Sheldon said absently, oblivious to two sets of scowls in his direction. "But speaking of being an assistant, Howard, I do require your aid this evening."

"Oh goody," said the engineer. "May I ask why?"

"Tonight the math and science department is hosting a social gathering and I'd like you to be my 'wing man'."

"Me? Why not Raj?" Raj subtly shook his head, no.

"Because according to my observations of the group you've had the most social interactions with women."

"Yeah, most of them being 'get lost'," said Leonard.

"If you notice, I'm the one that's married," growled Howard.

"Granted, Howard's level of success until meeting Bernadette has been negligible but nevertheless there is a fundamental grounding of technique," said Sheldon as he peppered his macaroni.

"Technique?" said Leonard. "He wanted to pull a bunch of scarves out of my mouth at a bar."

"Well I had to work you in somehow since you were with me," sniffed Howard.

"Yeah, yeah, 'The Falcon' works alone."

"Need I bring up the Wolowitz Coefficient? It applies to a solo hunter."

"Sheldon would be better off using the quadratic equation to pick up women," chuckled Raj.

"And no magic tricks," Leonard added.

"That's my schtick," said Howard. "We have to work with Sheldon's strength—arrogant disdain for the human species."

"Whatever works," shrugged Sheldon before taking a bite of his lunch.

"Obviously humour is out," said Raj.

XXX

"Here we are," said Howard as, glass of punch in hand, he scanned the room full of scientists. "Now, time to form a strategy."

"Alright," said Sheldon. "From my experience with Raj your role is to make me sound like a 'catch'."

"That's right."

"But why would I be interested in someone who has to be told I'm a catch instead of figuring it out for herself?" Howard rolled his eyes.

"Sheldon, like fishing, you need to be attractive bait to attract the fish to you before you get a bite," he explained. "And then it all becomes a dance of words, the heart's tango, as you explore each other."

"I see."

Sheldon noticed a woman with dark hair tucked into a loose bun and red-framed glasses approaching.

"Here we go," smiled Howard.

"Hi," said the woman. "Are you Howard Wolowitz the astronaut?"

"Yes I am," he replied, both surprised and pleased.

"Wow, it must have been awesome being up there."

"Life-changing," agreed Howard. "Say, this is my friend Sheldon. Sheldon this is...?"

"Kate. Hi."

"Hello," said Sheldon. "Are you single?" Kate looked taken aback.

"Not so obvious," Howard murmured to his friend. "The dance."

"Oh. My apologies," Sheldon said to Kate. "What's your opinion on Stephen Hawking's latest paper that black holes might not exist?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I'm an organic chemist so I'm not really up on the technical aspects of space."

"A chemist," Howard said. "How interesting, right Sheldon?"

"Not really," he said. "Although for the sake of this conversation I shall pretend it is." Howard winced. "So, chemistry. Can you recommend a good dish detergent?"

"How would I know?" asked Kate with a frown.

"Well you're constantly washing test tubes and beakers." He turned to Howard. "How can she be a chemist and not know this?"

"Anyways, have a good night," Kate said with a strained smile at Howard before she departed into the crowd.

"Well that was a disaster," Howard sighed.

"Indeed. Imagine being out on a date with a chemist who doesn't even know how to do her own dishes," tsked Sheldon. "I dodged a bullet there." He scanned the crowd and noticed a familiar face. "Perhaps I should focus my attention on the physics department."

"Oh? See someone interesting."

"Well there's Ramona," Sheldon said as he indicated the redhead talking to a couple of women.

"Ramona? Are you kidding me? She's a nut job, Sheldon. Nuttier than you and believe me that says a lot."

"But I was productive academically when I was with her," Sheldon replied.

"Yeah, but she took over your life."

"But now I have the experience of having had a girlfriend to define the parameters. It's not like Amy took over my life." Sheldon turned his head to his friend at Howard's snort.

"Who's the one who listed out all the things we used to do until the girls came into our lives?" he asked with a smirk. "How Klingon Boggle became dinner at Amy's and that sing along night you guys did with the harp stamped out Halo night some weeks." Sheldon pursed his lips.

"By that token you've done things Bernadette wanted like forego paintball for meals with her parents and replaced model rocket launching at the park with clothes shopping at the Galleria," he said.

"That's different."

"How?"

"This isn't about me," Howard growled. "Look, I just don't think Ramona's for you."

"Why? She's intelligent, exhibits devotional tendencies and gives excellent pedicures," Sheldon said as he regarded the graduate student, who by now should have been in her last year. "Besides, she's a known variable."

Sheldon proceeded to the grad student and Howard quickly caught up.

 _This isn't going to end well no matter how it turns out_ , Howard thought to himself even as he placed a friendly smile on his face. As they approached he noted Ramona's eyes widen in surprise before narrowing and a dangerous smirk on her lips.

"What do you want?" she said to Sheldon before he had a chance to speak.

"Obviously to engage in conversation with you," he replied. "Are you interested in the exploits of a particular sports team? Have you tried the crab cakes? Are you in an established romantic relationship up to and including coitus?"

"Yes I am," she said coldly.

"Ah. Is it monogamous or are you open to a secondary relationship?"

Ramona's jaw dropped. "Are you asking me to cheat on my boyfriend?"

"Well, this relationship wouldn't involve physical contact apart from foot care," Sheldon explained. "What I'm interested in is your devotion to me and its effect on my work."

"Yeah, I heard you abandoned string theory," Ramona said, a comprehending—and to Howard a look of pure evil—smile crossed her lips. "Guess you couldn't stand the heat in Dr. Kripke's kitchen."

Sheldon visibly twitched.

"Kripke had nothing to do with my decision," he said.

"That's not what he says."

"Yes, well, he says a lot of things. I can see my interest in you was misplaced." At this Ramona laughed.

"I could say the same thing about you, Dr. Cooper," she sniffed. "You're a smart man but not the genius I thought you were." Sheldon's eyes widened. "I'm starting my career. In fact I have an offer at Stanford. So the last thing I want to do is be saddled down by some professor who's trying to rekindle his career."

"Hey, Sheldon's come up with more theories than you ever will," growled Howard.

"Maybe," shrugged Ramona. "But my time is now and I'd rather follow brilliant minds like Dr. Kripke than a floundering physicist."

She turned and left with her two colleagues and a moment later Sheldon stormed from the room followed by Howard.

xTBBTx

Penny exited her apartment in her skirt suit and heels just as Leonard came out of 4A.

"Where's Sheldon?" she asked as she locked up.

"Staying home," sighed Leonard.

"Again?"

"He's really bummed out."

"Just a sec," Penny said as she crossed the hall and entered her friends' apartment to find a housecoated and pajama-clad Sheldon sitting in his spot on the couch.

"Sheldon, it's time for work," she said enthusiastically.

"I'm not going," he replied.

"You better believe you're going," Penny said as she moved aside the coffee table with her foot so she could stand before him.

"What's the point? I'm a failure."

"Says who?"

"Well, Ramona for one."

"That psycho? Forget her."

"But she had a point," Sheldon sighed. "Kripke bested me at my own field. It looks like I turned tail and ran."

"Did you?"

"I don't think so," he said after a moment. "I don't see a future in string theory."

"So you're into your dark matter stuff." She lightly kicked his shin with her toe. "Well, it isn't gonna find itself." She then toed the couch. "And it sure as shit won't be found on your couch."

"What if I fail again?" Sheldon asked in a voice that pinched Penny's heart.

"Then you get back on your horse and try again. I mean look at me, I tried with the acting thing for nine years and I got squat. Now look at me," she said as she waved a hand to highlight her clothes. "I got a job, no a career, and can pay my own bills and can afford my shoe collection."

"But you changed fields entirely," Sheldon countered. "By that token I should quit physics to waiter at the Cheesecake Factory."

"Not what I was going for," scowled Penny.

"Well I did clear a hundred and sixty dollars in tips per shift."

"A hundred and sixty?!"

"Except for the first day," shrugged Sheldon. "But to be fair I was a busboy for the first two hours."

"Okay, let's focus here and—a hundred and sixty dollars in four hours?" Penny closed her eyes and breathed. "Okay. Okay." She focused on her friend. "Look, Sheldon, honey, you can't spend the rest of your life on the couch."

"Can too."

"Would Spock stay on the couch?"

"Spock wouldn't be in the position of having Kirk best him in physics," said Sheldon. Penny folded her arms across her chest.

"Kirk beat him at chess. Didn't stop Spock from playing." Sheldon looked at her in surprise. "Hey, I listen to you guys babble about Star Trek. Don't care, but I do listen." She stood back. "Now go put some clothes on and get ready for work, Dr. Spock."

"Mr. Spock."

"You're pushing it, sweetie," Penny grinned.

Sheldon got off the couch and made it half way down the hall before turning to her.

"Thank you, Penny," he said.

"Anytime, Sheldon," she smiled back.


	9. Chapter 9

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Flaming Spoon Acquisition'

Reference to: 'The Misinterpretation Agitation'

xTBBTx

"No way Ma!" Howard shouted into his phone as he paced in his living room. "You did?! Why did you do that?" If possible Howard turned even redder. "HE'S NOT YOUR BUBULA!"

Bernadette came out of the bedroom in her pajamas, hairbrush in hand.

"No, I'm not sorry for yelling," Howard continued. "I'll straighten this out tomorrow. Tomorrow. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN TO THE BANK?!" Howard stopped pacing. "Is that Stuart in the background? Put him on the phone. No I won't yell at him. ... WHAT ARE YOU DOING TAKING MONEY FROM MY MOTHER?! ... I don't care if she offered. What does she know about running a comic book store? ... No, don't you hang up! No! No!"

"'Time to massage her varicose veins'." Howard glared at his phone before putting it into his housecoat pocket.

"What's going on?" squeaked Bernadette as she began brushing her hair.

"My mother gave Stuart a loan to finance his comic book store," Howard spat. "What kind of crazy idea is that? Doesn't she know how risky this business is? Stuart already ran one store nearly into the ground. What's he going to do with the second?"

Bernadette quit brushing, a frown forming on her face.

"But you wanted us to invest in it," she said crisply.

"You're missing the point," Howard replied after a quick pause. "This is my mother we're talking about. Stuart's taking advantage of her." He sighed. "Well the best I can do now is make sure the store succeeds."

"Not by buying more stuff," said Bernadette firmly. "You've already got more than enough toys around here not to mention a house full of it at your mother's."

"They're not toys, they're collectibles," Howard amended. "And for your information we're not just going to be co-owning a part of the store. When Ma dies we'll own half the store."

"But this is with your mother's money, not ours. So if it goes under there's no harm or foul since the money was never ours to begin with." Bernadette resumed brushing.

"I guess," moped Howard. Bernadette came over to him.

"See, Howie, this is the reason why I manage the finances. With your fancy-shmancy dreams you'd have us in the poorhouse," she said sweetly as she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"I'm not a child, you know," snapped Howard as Bernadette went back to the bedroom. "I've been into outer space for crying out loud! I'm tired of you always saying that my things are toys and—"

"I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE IT, MISTER! NOW GET YOUR TEETH BRUSHED AND GET INTO BED!"

"Fine," scowled Howard. He turned out the living room lights and stomped off to the washroom

xTBBTx

Leonard came down the hall into the living room to find Sheldon pondering at his whiteboard. The experimental physicist stopped to look and was surprised to see in place of equations a list of words.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Research, Leonard," Sheldon said distractedly as he held up a magazine. "Cosmopolitan suggested writing my interests and corresponding them to places where I can meet people."

"Smart."

"Yes, and they also have ten mouth-watering recipes sure to tighten my tummy," said Sheldon as he added 'Planetarium' beside 'Astronomy'.

"You're not fat," scoffed Leonard.

"I've put on weight over the past three years."

"It means you were comfortable."

"In that case you must be downright content," said Sheldon as he set the marker on the whiteboard ledge.

"I am." Leonard frowned. "And I haven't put on that much weight."

"Anyways, the first thing I'm going to do is terminate my dating profile." Sheldon went to his computer and logged in.

"I mean what's five pounds?" Leonard continued. "Okay ten, but I can't see any more than that." He felt his tummy. "Let me see the magazine," he said and took it off Sheldon's desk.

"Huh," Sheldon said in surprise. "I've got a message on the dating website."

"From whom?"

"'Diana1941'. Interesting, that's the year of Wonder Woman's first appearance."

"So what'd she say?" prompted Leonard, now curious.

"'Nuqneh fellow life-form'," Sheldon read. "'How delightful to read such an interesting and entertaining profile!'"

"That's good," Leonard said encouragingly. "She likes your sense of humour"

"But I wasn't joking," Sheldon said, confused. He continued to read. "'I admit that I thought I had a better chance teaching Lobo not to say 'frak' than find someone who's actually a member of the Justice League on this site but you've proven me wrong. I won't be so forward as to ask you your costumed identity but rest assured should you at one point divulge it I will be a dependable Alfred and keep the secret to my grave.'" Sheldon cocked his head. "Well, she sounds sensible."

"Sheldon, she's joking."

"Ah." He frowned. "I don't like that."

"Why? She's funny."

"I don't 'do' funny."

"You'd be surprised," grinned Leonard, even as Sheldon turned to give him a scowl. "Come on, just answer her back. Look at it as practice getting to know someone."

"Very well," said Sheldon, unconvinced this would be a fruitful endeavor. He scanned the rest of Diana1941's letter before beginning his reply:

 _Nuqneh, indeed, Diana1941._

 _Your greeting comes at an unexpected time as I was about to delete my profile. Nevertheless it was suggested to me by my roommate that this could be an opportunity to practice my social skills._

 _He further suggested that your email was intended to be humorous and that you might mistakenly believe mine to be similar. Let me assure you that while a zombie apocalypse might not be an immediate threat it is a mistake to think yourself safe. I have an emergency preparedness bag at the ready at all times and a bat'leth I keep in my closet in case the machine overlords should use the apocalypse as an opportune time to rise up. Be wary of automated teller machines as I believe—_

The door opened and Penny entered.

"Hey," she said to her fiancé with a kiss. She glanced at Sheldon's board. "What's going on?"

"Sheldon's Cosmo plan for meeting women," said Leonard as he held out the magazine for her to see.

"Hmm, they also have an article for losing weight." Penny looked thoughtfully at Leonard's waistline.

"And send," said Sheldon as he clicked his mouse.

"Whatcha got there?" she asked.

"Sheldon met someone on the dating site," said Leonard as his roommate got up from the chair.

"Details!" Penny squealed. "Who is she?"

"Unknown," said Sheldon evenly as he went back to his whiteboard. "But her username is 'Diana1941' and, according to Leonard, she has a great sense of humour."

"Believe me, Sheldon, a sense of humour is a bonus," Penny said neutrally. Sheldon wrinkled his nose.

"Be that as it may, I still have to complete the task at hand" He took up his marker. "I need to correspond my interests with locations I can meet people. For instance, I like trains and can go off to various railroad museums. I could also take a baking class, go to hospitality rooms at sci-fi, fantasy and comic book conventions, attend astronomical event parties at the observatory, stay for the after-parties at scientific gatherings, etcetera."

"Sheldon you can meet someone anywhere," said Penny. "I mean Leonard and I met just outside your door."

"Yes, but Cosmo suggests it's best to be with someone with whom you share similar interests," countered Sheldon as he wrote on the board. "Apart from coitus and a similar social network you really don't have much in common."

"That's not true," Leonard said defensively. "Penny and I share a lot of things in common besides sex..." He thought it over. "Well, we both like to..." He looked to Penny.

"Yeah, we...we watch movies!" Penny said in a relieved tone.

"But do you like the same movies?" inquired Sheldon.

"The point is we make it work," she said even as she thought about Leonard's boring three hour documentary on dams. Sheldon turned to his friends.

"How?"

"We love each other," said Leonard adamantly.

"That doesn't mean anything," said Sheldon as he went back to his board to write. "I loved Amy and she left me."

"We're different."

"Statistically speaking—"

"But we're not," Leonard said firmly.

"Fair enough," said Sheldon evenly as he capped his marker and set it back on the ledge. He clasped his hands behind his back and strolled down the hall. "You kids keep the magazine. There's an article in there about getting over a break up. Just for reference of course."

xTBBTx

"Boy, you're really hitting the joy juice tonight," Bernadette said to Penny as the latter polished off her glass of wine. "Rough week?"

"Kinda." Penny opened the bottle and killed it in her glass. "Don't get me wrong, my job is challenging and I have to do a lot of studying for it but it's a good challenge, y'know?" Here she smiled. "For the first time I really get to use my acting ability and, as it turns out, I'm pretty darn good at it."

"So why the grumpy face?"

"Leonard," Penny sighed. "He said that I shouldn't get too enthusiastic over this job until I'm past the probationary period and now I'm worried that I'll lose the job."

"Now you're being silly," said Bernadette. "You just said you're doing well. Besides, you know Leonard, he'd find fault in a rainbow."

"It's just that I don't really need the negativity right now, y'know?" Penny took a sip of wine. "Look at my acting for instance. All these years when I was out there auditioning away he was all supportive and then when I got serious about acting he was all 'no, you'll never make it'."

"Things change as time goes by, Penny," said Bernadette. "You're not the spring chicken you used to be and Hollywood likes young faces."

"Well that doesn't describe Leonard. His screencap on his phone is me in a bikini," Penny grumped. A thought came to her. "Do you think Leonard was just agreeing to anything I did just to get in good with me?" Bernadette made to speak even as Penny got animated. "But then what would that mean about now? Why would he crap on my cornflakes?" Unconsciously she brought her left hand up for the two women to see the ring on her finger.

"And that's enough alcohol for tonight," said Bernadette as she moved the unopened bottle of wine to the far side of the coffee table. "Look Penny, Leonard might be manipulative and have trust issues but he's a nice guy. You said yourself that you have a habit of dating losers. Don't throw away the best catch of the lot."

"So Leonard's a loser?" Penny mumbled thoughtfully.

"No, silly, he's your pop tart, remember? When everything was in the crapper he still wanted you. That means something, doesn't it?"

Penny snorted and finished her wine.

"Yeah, I'm just being an idiot," she said.

"Don't worry about it," Bernadette said sweetly. "Besides, things are now going to be on the other foot like it is with Howie and me."

"What do you mean?"

"When we met I was in grad school and he was the cool engineer with a career and a vespa. Then when I graduated and got my job it changed everything. I make a buttload of cash compared to him." Bernadette gave a slight smile. "Don't let the skirts fool you. I wear the pants in the family. Same thing will happen to you if you get your finances straight."

"But I suck at budgeting," said Penny.

"Then when you get solvent and can start putting stuff away get a guy at the bank or credit union to set things up for you. Easy peasy." Bernadette set her glass on the table. "You might also want to look at getting a prenup."

"Leonard and I are not gonna break up," Penny said adamantly. "He's my bran tart or whatever." Penny got up woozily. "You know, I think I'm gonna lie down for a little bit. Be right back." She plunked back down on the couch. "Or not." The women laughed.

XXX

"So where exactly is Sheldon?" asked Howard as he tossed a playing card on the coffee table. "Creepy Teepee."

"Out at a baking class," replied Leonard. "The Superstore holds them upstairs from the grocery store."

"Oh, I've been there," smiled Raj. "That's where I learned how to make my beef Wellington." He, too, tossed a card. "Annie Ogrely."

From beyond the apartment came Penny and Bernadette's cackling laughter.

"Wonder what's so funny?" asked Raj.

"More like who's so funny," snorted Howard. "They seem to have targets not topics."

"Lovely. Flaming Spittoon," Leonard said as he tossed his card. "I guess this gives me an idea of what to look forward to when I get married."

"No, as far as I can tell they do it to complete strangers too," Howard replied. "But being married does offer them the chance to humiliate on an intimate level. Pocaghostahauntus." Leonard sat back in his chair.

"Do you think Penny's and my marriage has a shot?" he asked seriously.

"I thought you said Penny proposed?" Howard took a sip of his bottled water.

"Was she drunk?" asked Raj.

"No she wasn't," frowned Leonard.

"Well, that says love right there," Howard soothed.

"But she'd just given up on acting and her life was basically in pieces so I suppose she had nothing to lose," mused Raj.

"Thanks Raj," Leonard snapped.

"But the point is that she's now got a job and everything's going well and you're still engaged," the astrophysicist continued.

"The economic stability is nice," agreed Howard. "Bernie was really relieved when she got on at the pharmaceutical company after grad school. Gave her a chance to pay off her student loans."

"And afford to pay her husband his weekly allowance," chuckled Raj.

"Ha ha," sneered Howard.

"Are you serious?" gasped Leonard.

"Even works in his lunch money for the week," Raj added. "See what you have to look forward to?"

"Penny can't budget herself much less a household."

"She's never had money before." Raj took a pretzel from the bowl. "I guess we'll see how she stands on her own two feet."

"Well that sure eases my worries," Leonard said icily.

"When it comes to Penny I don't think there's ever a time you're not worried," said Raj as he munched on the pretzel.

"Well the wedding will stop that," countered Leonard as he got up to go to the washroom.

"I wouldn't bet on it," Howard stage whispered to Raj.

XxX

"How come my batter doesn't look as smooth as yours?" pouted Cheryl with wide hazel eyes.

"It's all in the whisking," Sheldon replied as he poured his batter into the greased loaf pan.

"You really know what you're doing in the kitchen," she purred, taking in his forearms as his muscles flexed.

"I used to bake with my Meemaw back in Texas." He took up the rubber spatula and scraped the bowl.

"So why are you taking this course?"

"To learn new recipes and to socialize."

"Well I can't help you with the one but I can with the other." The ponytailed blonde moved her bowl towards him. "Could you show me how to whisk like you do?"

"I suppose." Sheldon took her whisk and began making a rhythmic motion in the bowl. "The trick is to maintain a consistency. Notice how my wrist moves. How light the tips of my fingers are on the whisk." He handed both back to her and she began to whisk. "Don't stir with it. Use your wrist."

"You're really good with your hands"—Cheryl read his nametag—"Sheldon. Actually you've got nice hands to boot. Long fingers."

"I wash and moisturize them as much as I can."

"That's good," Cheryl said, unsure of how to go on until another idea hit her. "So you said you're from Texas?"

"East Texas."

"That definitely explains your delicious accent. I'm L.A. born and raised." She looked at her batter. "That's better." She poured it into her greased pan. "So what do you do?"

"I'm a junior professor in the physics department at Caltech." Sheldon moved his loaf pan to the oven. "I've set the temperature ahead of time so the oven should be ready soon."

"A professor? Wow that's neat," she said as she noted the blue of his eyes. "I love stars and space stuff." She handed him her loaf pan.

"You'd be more interested in astronomy or cosmology," Sheldon amended.

"What's your area of research?"

"Dark matter."

"Hmm," Cheryl said as she checked out Sheldon's butt. "I'm sure your girlfriend thinks it's mysterious."

"By today's technology it's undetectable—and I don't have a girlfriend."

The oven buzzer went off and Sheldon put the two loaves in and set the timer.

"Say, are you good at making cakes?" Cheryl asked as she gathered her dishes.

"I'm proficient, yes, although cookies are my forte."

"Cookies would do. You have any special recipes?"

"I do like Meemaw's snickerdoodles," said Sheldon. He looked to Cheryl. "Like whisking it requires light fingers and a solid rhythm to mix." He put his dishes into his bowl.

"A solid rhythm, hmm?" Cheryl grinned.

"Actually a lot of things work better with a rhythm," said Sheldon as he took a paper towel and spray bottle to wipe down his part of the counter.

"You know, I'm having some of the girls from work over this week and would love to know how to make them," Cheryl began. "Maybe you could come over to my place and show me your rhythm?"

"I could text you the recipe if you'd like," Sheldon said.

"I'm more of a hands on kinda gal. And I'm willing to bet I'll learn a lot from you," she said in a sultry voice.

"I have a working knowledge of the universe. If you're capable I can teach you anything," he said pointedly.

"Oh, I'm capable alright," Cheryl winked before taking her dishes to the washer.

XXX

"So how was your evening?" asked Howard as he drove the car towards home.

"It was okay," Bernadette replied as she looked out her side window. "It's great that Penny's working at my company because we have so much more to talk about."

"I'm sure you do," he said neutrally.

"Oh, speaking of getting together, my mother said that dad wants to go fishing this weekend and I think it would be a good idea if you went with him."

Howard inwardly cringed.

"Oh, gee, I'd love to but you see I'm—"

"You're what?"

"I'd rather not."

"Why?" asked Bernadette as she turned to her husband.

"Well, _if_ he talks he's always on about fishing and hunting and other gross things," he said with a shudder.

"He's treating you like one of the guys. He's just bonding with you."

"Why can't your dad do something I like to bond with me?" Howard asked as he signaled and turned onto the main boulevard.

"Like what? Firing toy guns at each other?" snorted Bernadette. "Or will it be something more involved like playing video games or going to the comic book store?"

"Well it's better than getting drunk and talking dirt about you and your mother," Howard grumbled back. "I mean it's not like there's anything better to do, right?"

"You know, mister, you've just won yourself a place on the couch," Bernadette growled.

"Me?! You're the one who started it by insulting my hobbies!"

"And then you were mean to me!"

"So what you said wasn't mean?!"

"Calling you out for playing with toys isn't mean. It's a wakeup call, Howard!"

Bernadette folded her arms over her chest and glared out the side window as Howard's hands tightened on the steering wheel.

XXX

Sheldon entered his apartment with a loaf in hand.

"Good evening, Penny," he said to his neighbor who was lounging in Leonard's chair.

"Smells good," she said as she indicated the loaf with her head. "Lemon?"

"Lemon zest." He crossed the living room and put the bread in the refrigerator before cleaning his hands with sanitizer. "Are you staying the night?"

"Nope. Just waiting for Leonard."

"Good," Sheldon said happily as Leonard came down the hall.

"Hey Sheldon," said Leonard. "So how was the class?"

"Excellent. I learned a better way to extract zest from a lemon and have a 'bake date' at Cheryl's apartment later this week."

"Come again?" asked Penny, not sure of what she just heard.

"Cheryl asked me if I could come over to her apartment this week to bake some cookies," Sheldon said evenly. "I offered to email her the recipe but she says my personal instruction at tonight's class made it easier for her to learn."

"I'll bet it did, you dog," Penny grinned.

"I don't follow," Sheldon said, confused.

"Sheldon, she wants you over because she's interested in you."

"Well, she did admire my whisking technique," he admitted after a moment to consider. "But your suggestion is wrong. Cheryl is having some friends over and wants to impress them with Meemaw's snickerdoodle recipe not create a flour-covered sexcapade."

Penny rolled her eyes as she got out of the chair.

"Getting a stranger to bake cookies at her apartment is a complete excuse to jump his bones," she said. Penny looked to Leonard with an impish smile. "Hey, wanna come over to my place for a piece of cake? I baked it fresh today."

"Sure," said Leonard. "Um, you really didn't bake a cake did you?" He caught Penny's stare. "Not that I'm saying your last cake was so dry I nearly choked to death but I—"

"Goodnight Leonard," Penny snapped and went to the door.

"But what about your cake?" he pleaded.

"The bakery's closed," she growled and closed the door behind her.

"And you say I'm clueless," Sheldon tsked as he went down the hall. "You should have asked for a glass of almond milk to go with it."

xTBBTx

"Hey," said Leonard as he knocked on the doorframe of Howard's engineering lab.

"'Sup?" replied the engineer as he worked on a circuit board wearing his magnifying glasses.

"Nothing much. Just have some time to kill before the laser's ready," said Leonard.

"Fair enough." Howard picked up the soldering iron and attached a conductor. "Hey, close the door for a sec?" Leonard obliged. "So how are you and Penny doing?"

"Fine." Leonard's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"No reason," Howard said quickly. Again he soldered on the circuit board.

"Howard, you owe me for giving you the head's up on the prenup." Leonard blanched. "Penny isn't asking for a prenup is she? Why would she? She's just got on with her job so it's not like she makes more than me. Does she?"

"Whoa there, breathe," Howard soothed. "Look, I was stupid to bring this up."

"Howard..."

"Fine." Howard straightened and put his glasses on his forehead. "Last night Bernie was saying how it'd be nice if I bought her flowers every once in a while like the doctor who sends Penny bouquets at the office."

"I, wait, what?" Leonard gasped. "Someone's sending her flowers?"

"Penny says they're just a thank you from a client but Bernie thinks the guy might have the hots for her." He took in Leonard's reddening face. "I'm sure Penny's got it under control but just giving you a head's up that maybe flowers would be a good thing to give her, y'know?"

"Yeah, you're right," Leonard said after a moment. "Penny's engaged. And it's not like she's going to cheat on me."

"Exactly." Howard put on the glasses. "It's just some rich doctor sending your fiancée flowers."

"And you'd be happy if this was reversed and he was sending Bernadette flowers?"

"Of course not," Howard grinned. "I'd follow him to his parking spot and go ca-razy on him. But I'm not you."

Leonard checked his watch.

"Well I've got to get back to the lab. Thanks for the head's up." He turned to go.

"Leonard," said Howard without looking up from the circuit board. "If Penny does ask for a prenup, really think about it before saying yes."

"You having regrets?" Leonard asked seriously.

"Just think about it."

Leonard waited but there was no further explanation so he opened the door and left.

XXX

"My Meemaw said the secret to snickerdoodles is the amount of love you put into them," said Sheldon as he looked over the spices Cheryl had on the counter.

"I'm for lots of loving," she agreed with a little smirk. "So how should we add the love?" She put her hand on the small of Sheldon's back.

"The only way we can—through spices." Sheldon frowned. "Although I think our loving will be at a minimum since I can't find any cinnamon."

"I thought I had some," Cheryl said as she brushed her hip against his own.

"Well you should have made sure," Sheldon tsked. "I sent you the recipe ahead of time so you could check." He turned to Cheryl, her close proximity not registering through his annoyance. "So tell me what we're supposed to do without cinnamon?"

"What any good cook does—improvise," said Cheryl as she leaned in and gave Sheldon a kiss...

XXX

Penny came into 4A wearing her comfy clothes after showering and plunked down on Sheldon's spot.

"What a day," she said with a sigh and a smile. "One bright side of working as a waitress for ten years is that I'm used to a lot of walking. But man, am I not used to all the mileage in high heels."

"Yeah, high heels," said Leonard. "I remember Amy saying how they amplify the breast and buttocks. Not that it matters since you're selling drugs based on your knowledge of drugs and not using something besides the drugs themselves to sell drugs."

"Leonard, you're having a brain fart again," Penny said, confused.

"I was coming home from work today and I realized that I'm your fiancé and as such I should spoil you when I can." He went to the counter by the refrigerator and came back with a small red rose bouquet.

"Aw, thank you," Penny gushed as she took the flowers.

"It's no big deal," Leonard replied. "I mean since you get flowers at work why not get them at home, too?"

"Who told you that?" Penny said haltingly.

"Howard. He said that Bernadette said you were getting flowers from some doctor?"

"Oh. That," Penny chuckled a little overenthusiastically. "Dr. Lorvis was just thanking me for helping him with his drug selection. It's no big deal."

"How many times has he sent you flowers?" asked Leonard pointedly.

"Well, he's a pretty thankful guy," Penny said bluntly. "Anyways, it turns out that my company has free basketball tickets and—"

Sheldon entered the apartment with a scowl on his face.

"That was a long bake session," said Penny as she moved off Sheldon's spot to the other side of the couch. "Thought we'd have to track you down again."

"I wish you had," growled Sheldon.

"So how did things go with Cheryl?" asked Leonard even as he continued to stare at Penny with a slight frown on his face.

"A disaster," Sheldon huffed. "Not only was her kitchen lacking fundamental tools like a flour sifter but her spices weren't even in alphabetical order. Pure madness." He went part of the way down the hall before turning around. "Oh, and apparently inviting someone back to bake cookies is an euphemism for wanting to 'suck face'." He shook his head. "I had a hard time being spontaneous."

"You did?" sputtered Leonard.

"Well it's not like I had much choice, Leonard. She didn't have enough cinnamon so I had to use nutmeg." Sheldon went to his room.

"Ah, sweetie," chuckled Penny.


	10. Chapter 10

Reference to: 'The Misinterpretation Agitation'; 'The Pirate Solution'

xTBBTx

Raj took a drink and set the bottle of water back on his lunch tray.

"So when are you going to apologize?" he asked Howard.

"Why should I apologize?" the engineer snapped as he jabbed his fork into his beefaroni. "Bernie's just as much at fault."

"Because she's not the one risking a bad back from sleeping on the couch for three nights."

"I hope you're at least maintaining your lumbar support," Sheldon said distractedly as he worked on his phone.

"I'll be fine. Bernie and Penny are off to Vegas for the weekend tomorrow night so I'll get the bed," said Howard.

"I hope you know a good chiropractor," said Sheldon. He frowned and tapped his phone. "Nope."

"Sheldon, your food's getting cold," Leonard said as he ate." What are you doing anyways?"

"I'm going over my list of places to meet people."

"By 'people' do you mean a general meeting place like a mall or is this 'people' as in finding a suitable mate?" asked Raj.

"I've selected places based off my interests in order to have something in common. That way we'll have a ready topic of conversation and can see where things go from there—although I won't be baking cookies any day soon," Sheldon added with a frown.

"So what places have you picked?" said Howard before taking a forkful of his corn.

"The aquarium, zoo, planetarium, museum—"

"No, no." Howard cleared his mouth with a swash of water. "You need to be more spontaneous than that, although the premise of using the location as a distraction to what your true intent is for being there is in the right spirit."

Raj put down his fork.

"What about all the times we planned going to the disco or to the market or the Goth club?" he pointed out. "And look at what it got us—squat and nearly hepatitis."

"Well I see it as chances to meet women," sniffed Howard. "And we did." He looked to Sheldon. "What you need is a place where inhibitions are lowered and people are there specifically to meet people."

Sheldon set down his phone.

"That rules out the library," he mused.

"Let me hear your opening line," said Howard.

"What opening line?"

"The one that breaks the ice between you and your potential paramour."

"You don't need an opening line, Sheldon. 'Hello' works just as well," said Leonard before staring meaningfully at Howard. "Set opening lines are a good way to get yourself killed."

"So the best thing Sheldon could do is practice meeting women in places where it doesn't matter if he screws up," Howard pointed out to Leonard. "And bars would be more forgiving given that people will be drinking."

"But I don't drink," said Sheldon.

"Sure you do. You drink wine. And you had a beer with me." Sheldon made a dubious face. "Come on, Sheldon."

"I don't want to go alone."

"I could use a chance to unwind," said Howard. "And tonight is Ladies Night."

"If you're adamant on going, Sheldon, I'll go too," said Leonard. "Someone's got to be the voice of reason."

"Well, Penny said to be more spontaneous," said Sheldon thoughtfully.

"So we're in?" grinned Howard.

"We're in," Sheldon replied.

"Into what remains to be seen," chuckled Raj.

XXX

"I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre," said Sheldon to the bartender.

"Sheldon, you're trying to fit in," Howard said with a roll of the eyes.

"This is a drinking establishment. I'm buying a beverage. Therefore I 'fit in'," Sheldon replied evenly as he paid for and took up his drink.

"Fine." Howard and Sheldon turned from the bar to face the room. "Now we wait."

"For what?"

"For the alcohol to flow, the lawyers, doctors and jocks to grab their women and then we pick our prey from the rest."

"So I'm to choose from a reduced pool of viable candidates?" Sheldon said with a frown.

"Sheldon, it's like this: we could be out there in the ocean vying with the sharks for prey or we could find ourselves a dingy tributary and wait for the weaker prey to come here to get out of the ocean currents. See that woman over there in the green dress?" Howard said as he indicated with his head.

"The one talking with two other women, yes."

"She's pretty and knows it. She's looking for a man who'll take her to fancy restaurants and exotic vacations. And she'll shrivel your soul when she laughs at you for even thinking of asking her out. But her chubby friend, now there's a possibility."

"How do you know what she's interested in without asking her?"

"Because I know her type."

"I see." Sheldon turned to Howard. "So what type is Amy?"

"One of a kind," the engineer retorted. "Now, back to the task at hand. Your goal is to come up with a line—"

"Leonard said no lines."

"Leonard stole Penny's mail. You don't have that option to meet a woman here. You need an opening, then converse, ask to buy her a drink and for anyone but you on the planet, hopefully get her in the sack."

Howard noted Leonard enter the bar and waved. The physicist spotted him and ventured over.

"Sorry I'm late," he said. "So how's it going with Sheldon?"

"Just giving him the lay of the land." Howard turned and noted that Sheldon was gone. "Where is he?" He scanned the room and spotted Sheldon approach the woman in the green dress. "No, the chubby one. The chubby one!"

"Hello," said Sheldon to the trio of ladies. "Do any of you possess advanced degrees in worthwhile subjects?"

"I have a Masters degree in Poly Sci," said a pony-tailed brunette in a black cocktail dress.

"So I take it that's a no?" The women laughed.

"Poor bastard," tsked Howard. "They're at him already with that soul-shrivelling laugh."

"I dunno," replied Leonard. "They're still talking. And they didn't walk away."

"You have an advanced degree I take it?" the woman asked Sheldon.

"Two doctorates, actually. Physics and mathematics." He turned to the woman with the blunt bob cut in the green dress. "My friend was saying that you're the type of woman who likes fancy dinners, exotic vacations and would shrivel my soul. Is this true?"

"Well I do like fancy dinners and vacations," she chuckled. "Although I'm not sure about the soul shrivelling."

"I see." Sheldon cocked his head. "Well, as we're conversing, the progression of this would lead to ask if you ladies would like a drink? Unless you'd like to go back to your place and bake cookies. I'm not interested in that."

A few minutes later Sheldon came back to the bar.

"Well?" Howard said excitedly. "How did it go?"

"Grace, the woman in the green dress, does indeed like vacations and dinners although she is also partial to Cadbury chocolate and dancing. Ursula has a Master's degree in poly sci, likes baking cookies with both men and women"—Leonard choked on his beer—"and is curious about how physics applies in the bedroom. Lacy is a—"

"So what are you doing here?!" Howard sputtered.

"You said we were out here to meet women. I've met Ursula and Grace and Lacy." Sheldon scanned the crowd before venturing off to another group of women.

"Sonofabitch," Howard murmured. "All these years bringing Raj out and Sheldon was the better wingman all along."

"I don't think he's a wingman at all," grinned Leonard. "I think Sheldon's the whole damn bird."

XXX

Howard unlocked his apartment door and entered to find Bernadette on the couch watching television. He flumped down beside her.

"You're out late tonight," she said casually.

"I was out at a bar with Sheldon and Leonard." He shook his head. "Apparently Sheldon's some sort of Casanova. He took my tricks and made them work."

"That's amazing," she said. "I mean with the magic tricks and jokes and role playing games you mentioned on our first date I had real doubts about you."

"And then Ma called," Howard said with a little chuckle.

"Yeah." Bernadette turned off the television. "Howie, I don't want to fight."

"Me neither." Their lips met and the kiss deepened. "I accept your apology," he said as they broke away.

"For what?"

"You know, for…never mind." They kissed again. "Look, I learned something about baking cookies from Sheldon I want to show you."

"Now? It's kind of late for baking."

"Not the oven I was thinking of using," said Howard as he wiggled his eyebrows.

Bernadette jokingly creamed him with a pillow.

xTBBTx

 _I'm at a loss to understand the culinary associations with sex,_ Sheldon typed at his computer. _Apparently 'baking cookies' is an euphemism for either 'sucking face' or coitus. Without exception every woman at the drinking establishment knew this and went on to ask what my 'kitchen experience' was. When I mentioned that I excelled in baking loaves and pies there was giggling and questions whether my favourite was cherry pie. I didn't—_

The sound of keys in the lock and then Penny entered apartment 4A, balking as she saw Sheldon at the computer.

"Oh, didn't expect you home yet," she said sheepishly.

"Why wouldn't I be home? It's after work and I live here," he said absently as he typed. "The better question would be why are you in my apartment?"

"I was out of milk and needed a quarter cup for my mac and cheese."

"Despite your new level of income I see some things will remain the same," he tsked as she went to the refrigerator.

"So what are ya doing?" she asked as she took out the milk.

"Writing a letter to my pixel-pal."

"Your what?"

"My pixel-pal. I can't call Diana1941 my pen-pal as there's no pen involved."

"Ooo, you're still talking with her," Penny grinned as she poured out the milk. "That's great! So why aren't you guys Skyping or texting?"

"Because we don't know each other," Sheldon said as he typed. "There's something to be said for the written word."

"I guess. Although the only things Leonard's ever written to me have been letters thanking me for having sex with him," Penny said with a smirk. "So what are you two talking about?"

"On my part my adventures last night at the bar with Wolowitz and Leonard. And a reply to her insistence that Crime and Punishment is a classic when there's an inherent flaw to it. At the mid-point of the novel the sun rises twice in one day." He shook his head. "How Diana1941 could think this is a classic is beyond me."

"That's putting on the charm."

"There's never a wrong time to learn something, Penny."

Leonard entered the apartment with an empty kitchen trash bin.

"Hi," he said even as his eyes zeroed in on her hand. "Where's your engagement ring?"

"In the apartment," said Penny. "Thanks for the milk, Sheldon."

She kissed Leonard and made to leave.

"Guess it must be easier to flirt with your customers without it," he said crisply.

"What?" Penny gasped as she turned to him.

"What, you're going to tell me that you actually wear your ring when you're working?"

"Of course I do!" Penny began to blush. "I mean driving between appointments counts."

Leonard put the garbage can down in the kitchen.

"So you aren't flirting with them?" he asked.

"Well, there's flirting and then there's flirting," Penny began.

"You're engaged!" Leonard roared.

"It doesn't mean anything, Leonard!" Penny shouted back. "I get my commission, they get their egos stroked. No harm no fuss."

"Well it still feels like cheating," Leonard huffed as he folded his arms across his chest.

"Says the guy who sucked face with that comic book chick while you were dating Priya?" Penny was unimpressed. "Oh, wait, that didn't count."

"Priya slept with her ex-boyfriend."

"You made out with a girl, Leonard! I'm just talking to clients!"

"She's right," Sheldon said absently as he typed. "Penny's not engaging in intercourse or otherwise in indecent physical contact with her clients."

"Thank you," Penny said smugly.

"To follow the logic of your argument, Penny's in effect akin to an escort rather than a prostitute," Sheldon added.

"I don't need this, Leonard. I'm a good salesperson not a whore!" Penny stormed from the room.

"But Sheldon said that not me!" Leonard called back as he followed her over.

"You said that—"

The apartment door closed and Penny and Leonard's argument became muffled.

 _I prefer rhubarb and raisin pie,_ Sheldon continued typing. _The mix of sweet and sour titillate my tongue. What do you like? And tread carefully if you suggest some sort of cookie, woman!_

The sound of Penny's door slamming shut came mere seconds before the apartment door opened and Leonard stormed in. He slammed the door and flopped onto the couch.

"Women are impossible," he snapped.

"An absolute, Leonard," Sheldon tsked. "Women are improbable."

"Oh shut up," Leonard growled and went to his room.

"Forget women, roommates be even crazier," Sheldon said as he began a new paragraph.


	11. Chapter 11

Reference to: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition; 'The Spoiler Alert Segmentation'; 'The Vacation Solution'; 'The Robotic Manipulation'; 'The Santa Simulation'

xTBBTx

Penny opened the door to the lobby just as Sheldon and Raj came down the stairs.

"Hey guys," she said. "Where ya off to?"

"Hello Penny," replied Raj. "I'm taking Sheldon to a juice bar to pick up women and regulate our colons."

"As I wasn't comfortable at a conventional bar I thought to broaden my horizons," added Sheldon. "Being from Texas I couldn't be at a salad bar and then Raj mentioned the juice bar."

"But that's all veggies," said Penny pointedly.

"But in liquid form they're beverages not a main course."

"Ah. So where ya going?"

"The Laughing Buddha," said Raj. "It's a little out of the way but the drinks really are divine."

"Okay. Well good luck," Penny said as she lightly bumped Sheldon on the arm with her fist.

"Would you like to come?" Sheldon asked.

"Wouldn't I kinda mess up the wingman thing going for ya?"

"Perhaps. But you've looked particularly bloated lately and as it's still two weeks until your menses either you've put on weight or else you're in need of a cleanout."

Penny felt her belly. Was she bloated?

"Let's go," she said firmly and marched out the front door.

XXX

"Who named these drinks?" tsked Sheldon as he perused the menu.

"I think they're cute," replied Penny. "I think I'll go for the Buddha's Belly. It's for good luck."

The waitress, a young woman with tiny cornrow braids to her shoulders, came to the table.

"Hi there. I'm Rose. What can I getcha?"

"I'll have a Buddha's Belly," said Penny. "Raj'll have a—"

"Buddha's Blessing," he said and handed back his menu.

"Excuse me, but how are these menu names in any way corresponding to the drinks?" Sheldon asked. "What makes beets, celery, arugula and dragon fruit 'Blessed' as opposed to carrots, cucumber, broccoli, banana and hemp seeds?"

"Sheldon, just let it go," said Raj.

"But there's no organizational pattern."

"They're fun labels," said Penny. "They're not meant to mean anything. Now," she grabbed the top of Sheldon's menu card. "On the count of three you're gonna pick something and let it go."

"It's not easy," he said with a slight twitch to his lip.

"Never is, my honey. One. Two."

"I'll have the Buddha's Feast," said Sheldon just as Penny pulled the menu card away and handed it to Rose.

"I'll be right back," the waitress said and departed.

"So are we now on the prowl or does that wait until we have our drinks?" asked Sheldon.

"This isn't a place to prowl," Raj replied with a bit of a frown. "None of what Howard told you applies here."

"But how do you know what he—"

"Just trust me."

"I'm with Raj on this one," added Penny with a slight smile.

"At the bar I found that, while the women themselves were unknown variables, their questions were rather streamlined into basic categories such as coitus, income, occupation," said Sheldon. "This whole process of meeting someone is quite tedious." He looked to Penny. "What about your early dating experiences?"

"Hey, I have experience too," frowned Raj.

"I'm sorry, Rajesh. Apart from staring yearningly at women and fighting the urge to urinate when they talked with you, I hadn't realized you had something to contribute."

"Occasionally I'd also let out a little sigh," Raj replied with a blush.

"Things were a little different for me, too," said Penny. "After all I was a teenager when I started dating."

"You still met potential suitors," Sheldon said pointedly. "What did you do to initiate your interaction?"

"Said yes," she chuckled. "Sheldon, I really can't think of a time when I asked someone out on a date."

"But what if you didn't have one and were in need of one?"

"Then I'd go where single guys were and give a smile and the next thing I knew I had a boyfriend."

"Ah," Sheldon nodded. "The smile. Yes, I noticed quite a few women trying to initiate eye contact as they smiled at various men." Rose arrived and handed out their beverages. "Now I know the mechanics to it but I can't say I feel the attraction." He took a sip of his drink, thought about what crossed his palate, glanced at Penny who stared meaningfully at him, and swallowed his mouthful.

"Well it doesn't come all at once," said Raj.

"Point," said Sheldon. "With Amy there wasn't an attraction either at first."

"What made it change?" asked Penny.

"Spending time together," Sheldon said after a moment. "Counterfactuals. Trips to the zoo. Texting jokes to each other. When Stuart came along he threatened to monopolize her time. I didn't want that." He took a sip of his drink.

"That's it?" gasped Raj incredulously.

"That's it," Sheldon confirmed. "It's why I didn't want our relationship to change in any way, physical or otherwise. And she agreed."

"Obviously something changed," said Penny. "I mean you kissed her and held her hand and stuff."

"Amy wanted physical intimacy."

"What about you?"

Pause.

"I'm unsure. I still find human contact repulsive."

"Did you like kissing Amy?"

"I was too angry at her to fully process what I was doing and then—"

"Then?"

"Things got complicated."

"You did like it," Raj breathed, totally into the conversation. In response Sheldon looked away.

"Sheldon, it's okay," Penny said gently.

"No it's not," Sheldon snapped. "Amy kept pressing for more and more and I found myself between a rock and a hard place." He sighed. "I liked Amy and wanted her in my life. I had even contemplated having physical relations with her in the latter part of this year."

"Shut your ass!" grinned Raj.

"Intimacy is nice," said Penny.

"It's what she expected and I wanted her in my life," Sheldon said, causing Penny to frown.

"You already said that," she said crisply.

"I don't know what else to say."

"Sheldon, sex is about being attracted to someone and wanting to express that physically. It's not about doing it to keep someone."

"So neither of you had sex to keep someone?" asked Sheldon. This time it was Penny and Raj who looked away. "I was attracted to Amy. She was the most like me of anyone I've met." He shook his head. "All of this is fruitless. She was the best girlfriend I'm ever going to have." He took a sip.

"Don't say that," said Raj as he stirred his drink with his straw.

"Why not? Amy did." Penny choked on her drink.

"She did?" she gasped.

"She said that she was the best girlfriend I was ever going to have so I should let her move in with me," Sheldon said evenly.

"Sweetie, that's not true. There are plenty of fish in the sea." Sheldon cocked an eyebrow.

"So why did you tell Howard that Bernadette was the best he could do?"

"Because he's Howard. Besides, Bernie's awesome."

"Wasn't Amy awesome?"

"Amy was…unique," Penny said diplomatically.

"So you didn't like Amy as much as Bernadette," Sheldon said pointedly.

"I liked Amy," Penny said slowly. "She really didn't give me much choice. One sleepover and I was her 'bestie'."

"Yeah, and all those lesbian comments," chuckled Raj.

"Don't want to go there," Penny said stiffly.

"Perhaps she was just testing the waters," added the astrophysicist thoughtfully. "After all, it's not like she had friends before much less a romantic partner."

"There was the man from whom she withheld insulin from until he kissed her. Does that count?" asked Sheldon.

"Definitely not," said Raj in a shocked voice.

"And then there was the orgasm study where she—"

"Doesn't count either," Penny said with a disgusted face.

Sheldon cocked his head in thought.

"Still, it does bring to mind that up until this point I've been assuming I'm heterosexual," he said.

"You're attracted to men?" said Raj, surprised.

"Well there's Spock, but of course who could deny his intellect? If he said it was logical we should mate how could I question him?" A little smirk came to Sheldon's lips. "The same can be said for Richard Feynman. Plus he can play the bongos." He took a sip of his drink.

"Wow. From no deal to possibly bisexual," said Penny as she shook her head in disbelief.

"It's still conjecture at this point. But I do get along with Leonard."

"Well he's sure straight," Penny chuckled, remembering the night he squealed like a pig when she went near his butt.

"Yes, he's overcompensated for years," Sheldon agreed. He looked around the bar. "Everyone here seems to be pairbonded or at least in mixed company. I'm unsure of the protocol."

"Just pick someone you think looks interesting and then we'll say hello to her on the way out," said Penny.

"Alright." A woman caught Sheldon's eye. "That red-head looks interesting although I'm not sure if her Mohawk would be a safety hazard."

"Okay, maybe not that interesting," Penny said with a smirk.

XXX

 _Klaatu Barada Nikto, Diana 1941!_ A housecoated Sheldon wrote on his computer. _Tonight Raj, Penny and I went to The Laughing Buddha, a juice bar, for the purposes of expanding my social network. Aside from being startled at having my stool turn red from beet juice the day was as unfruitful as I surmised it would be—although my colon has never felt more refreshed! If your bowel movements aren't regular I recommend going there and trying the Buddha's Feast. Additionally, it is my understanding that they have a yogurt that promotes female regularity. Perhaps you should look into that._

"Okay, so why do you want me to go with you to the comic book store tomorrow?" asked Penny as Leonard and she came down the hall into the living room.

"Because they said they had the mylite bags I need," Leonard replied.

"Why not take Sheldon?"

"Well they really don't know me there so I just want to make a good impression."

A light bulb went off in Penny's head.

"And introducing me as your fiancée will make a big one," she said with a wry smile.

"Well it's better than taking a picture of you holding up today's newspaper. Too many people photoshop nowadays," Leonard chuckled as they went out the door. "Goodnight, Sheldon."

 _Penny and Raj put a lot of things about Amy, my ex-girlfriend, into context,_ Sheldon continued to type. _Amy said that she was the best girlfriend I was ever going to have and as she was quite logical on her part in all other respects I took her judgment as sound. Penny assures me that there are 'other fish in the sea' so I shouldn't give up on my search. Speaking of which, how is your pursuit of a suitable mate going? Penny said to look beyond the computer so I hope you've been out and about, although I do recommend a bottle of hand sanitizer at the ready just to be safe. If only meeting someone IRL wasn't such a potential health hazard I—_

From out of nowhere his eidetic memory recalled a phone number scrawled on his hand. Sheldon stopped typing and stared at his hand, recalling the feel of the pen as it inked him. Without thinking, Sheldon picked up his phone and dialled.

"Hello," he said in a slight East-Texas drawl. "I'm Sheldon Cooper. We met several years ago at the science wing cafeteria at Caltech. … That's right. … I'm good. Actually, I was wondering if you were currently in an intimate relationship? … Perhaps we could meet somewhere that's the least objectionable to both of us? … Sounds adequate. Let me check my schedule..."

xTBBTx

 _Klaatu Barada Nikto_ : Phrase used to greet killer robot in The Day The Earth Stood Still.


	12. Chapter 12

Reference to: 'The Big Bran Hypothesis'; 'The Barbarian Sublimation'

xTBBTx

"Now be nice," Bernadette warned her husband as they stood outside the Wolowitz house.

"Of course I will," Howard replied in an overly even tone. "I'm just visiting my mother and her deadbeat leech."

He opened the door and they entered. A moment later and Stuart appeared wearing his attendant's uniform.

"Hey guys," he said amiably. Bernadette gave a little wave. "I wish you said you were going to pop by. I would have baked some cookies."

"I don't want cookies," Howard growled. "I want you out of the house."

"HO-WARD, IS THAT YOU?" came Mrs. Wolowitz's voice from her main floor bedroom.

"YES MA." He went past Stuart and through the door. "I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU."

"OH SURE. WHEN YOU LIVED WITH ME YOU NEVER WANTED TO TALK BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE AWAY YOU COME OVER TO CHAT."

"NOT NOW, MA. LOOK, I'VE BEEN THINKING AND I THINK IT'S BEST STUART LEAVES AND WE GET YOU ANOTHER NURSEMAID. "

"FIRE MY STEWIE? NEVER! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!"

"So how's the comic book store coming?" Bernadette asked Stuart.

"Pretty good," he said in a tone that, for Stuart, passed for happiness. "Since the place was completely gutted we could plan the layout from scratch."

"HOW CAN I BE JEALOUS? HE MASSAGES YOUR FEET! IT'S JUST THAT I THINK YOU'RE TOO CLOSE."

"That's nice." Suddenly Bernadette was serious. "Don't give Howard any store credit. This is his mother's venture not his and we don't need any more comic book crap. Kapeech?"

"Gotcha. Although crap is kind of a harsh term." Stuart caught her look. "But acceptable in this context."

"THIS IS ABOUT THE MONEY, ISN'T IT? WELL IT'S MINE AND WHEN EITHER OF MY BUBULAS NEEDS HELP I'M THERE."

"I'M YOUR BUBULA, NOT HIM!"

"OH REALLY? THEN TELL ME WHY HE'S HERE TAKING CARE OF ME WHILE YOU'RE AT YOUR FANCY SHMANCY APARTMENT WITH BERNADETTE?"

"BECAUSE HE'S HOMELESS!"

"The only thing I miss about the old store are the vintage items I had on display," Stuart continued. "They're hard to find since most people don't want to part with them."

"Well Howard has a lot of stuff in his bedroom that we have no use for at the apartment. I'm sure he wouldn't mind," offered Bernadette.

"That's his personal stuff. I'd feel awkward asking."

"YOU'RE RIGHT. AS IF HE WOULD ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. LIKE ANYONE CARES."

"Although he does have some stuff in bins down in the rec room," mused Stuart. "Debbie already said I could use the furniture there."

"OF COURSE I CARE, CRAZY LADY! AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT STUART DOESN'T CARE, JUST THAT HE ISN'T YOUR SON AND YOU SHOULDN'T TREAT HIM THAT WAY."

"YOU MEAN I SHOULDN'T LET HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS AND IGNORE ME?"

"GIVE IT A REST, MA!"

"That was nice," Bernadette said even as both she and Stuart winced at the yelling.

"Yeah, Debbie's really nice."

"AND ANOTHER THING MR. FANCY PANTS, THE NEXT TIME YOU FEEL LIKE COMING OVER HERE TO YELL ABOUT STUART DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY HOME."

"FINE! LET HIM PUT YOU IN THE POOR HOUSE!"

Howard stormed through the door and stopped right in front of Stuart.

"This isn't over," he snapped and stomped out of the house.

"I don't think he'd mind if you used the junk in the rec room," Bernadette said.

"It's not junk, they're collectibles," Stuart amended.

"Whatever," Bernadette said as she exited the house.

xTBBTx

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"'Sup, Sheldon?" she asked as she opened the door while munching on some popcorn.

"I need a ride," he said evenly.

"Where?"

"I have a date."

"Sure, honey." To Sheldon's disgust she wiped her greasy hand on her comfy pants. "Let me just get my keys."

"Perhaps a change of clothes would be appropriate," he suggested as she went to change. "You are my ride after all."

"This isn't going to be one of those let's talk about Penny's sex life dates is it?" she snorted from the bedroom.

"Of course not," Sheldon sniffed. "We've already established the number of sexual partners you've had and before this latest stint with Leonard you'd remained single for three years. Or as Meemaw would say, your cow has run dry."

"Hey! I dated guys!" Penny came out of the bedroom wearing a red peasant top and black Capri pants and flats.

"No you didn't."

"What about Zack?"

"The last time you dated Zack was New Years Eve two thousand and eleven," said Sheldon as Penny and he exited into the hall.

"So what's your date like?" Penny said loudly as she locked her door.

"I'm not sure. We only met briefly in the university cafeteria." They began to walk down the stairs.

"And you got her number. Nice," grinned Penny. "So what's her name?"

"Philip."

"That's ni—" Penny stopped on the stairs. "What?!" she gasped before catching up to her friend.

XXX

"So are you sure about this?" asked Penny as Sheldon and she walked down the sidewalk in the dusky light.

"I'm no less prepared than I was meeting Amanda," Sheldon shrugged.

"Hey, I knew her and told ya she was okay."

"But I also told you that Leonard was a gentle and thorough lover."

"Point," Penny chuckled as she lightly elbowed Sheldon in the arm.

The pair entered the bar, facing a mixture of physically fit men, transvestites and older gentlemen who turned to see who the new faces were.

"Ah, there he is," said Sheldon as he scanned the bar. He made off and Penny quickly followed.

As they approached the table Penny was aware of more than one 'what are _you_ doing here?' look but what got her mojo going was how many looks _Sheldon_ was getting! _Score one for plaid pants, Moonpie!_

"Hello Philip," said Sheldon as the latter got up from his chair.

"Hey Sheldon," he replied and extended his hand. They shook. "Who's this?"

"Penny. She's my neighbour and ride."

"In case I'm a weirdo, huh? Good call," Philip grinned. "FYI it's also why I picked this place. They know me here."

"Prudent," nodded Sheldon.

"Want something to drink?"

"Since you've started I can get Sheldon something and find a place to hang out until you're finished," said Penny cheerily. Philip nodded and she went to the bar.

 _Well, he's cute_ , thought Penny. Philip was tall like Sheldon, but not as lanky, with brown hair and eyes. She ordered a Cuba Libre and a vodka and cranberry and returned to the table.

"Here's your Cuba Libre," she said as she placed the drink in front of Sheldon.

"Virgin?" he asked.

"Of course," she said sweetly even as she eyed Philip. "Anyways, I'll be over there so—"

"You can't leave," Sheldon said as he took a drink. His eyes widened as he swallowed.

"Sheldon, you need some alone time to talk."

"Little lady, yuh're not goin' tuh be left alone in a drinking establishment," he twanged.

"It's a gay bar. I'm the safest person in here."

"It's alright if you stay," said Philip. "Maybe I'll get to hear more of his accent."

"Sure," Penny smiled and settled herself at the table.

"So what do you do?" asked Philip to Sheldon.

"I'm a junior professor in the physics department. I'm studying dark matter."

"Cool. I'm in mechanical engineering."

"Engineering?" Sheldon wrinkled his nose.

"Take a sip, Sheldon," Penny said and with a scowl on his face he obeyed. "Remember you dated a biologist and she was all into slicing brains and other yucky stuff."

"'She'?" Philip asked, now curious. "So are you bi or haven't come out yet?"

"Actually, little buddy, ah'm not sure if ah'm gay at all. Ah never really gave much thought to muh sexuality 'til now." Sheldon took another sip through his straw and frowned. "Muh cola tastes funny."

"Just your imagination, sweetie," said Penny absently. "Sheldon and Amy were together but believe me nothing happened."

"That's not true. Ah kissed her."

"And liked it," Penny grinned as she nudged Sheldon lightly with her shoulder.

"Penny!" gasped Sheldon. "Yuh're making me sound like a traipsing harlot."

"Then tell me you didn't like it and I'll drop it."

Philip was amused at the 'grin meets scowl' between the two friends.

"What ah'm unsure of is whether ah 'liked it'"—here he used air quotes with his fingers—"because it was with Amy or that ah like kissin' in and of itself." Sheldon took a particularly long sip at his straw and felt the liquid roll down his throat. _Virgin Cuba Libre mah sweet patootie_.

"So why not try someone else?" Philip said simply.

"That would mean touchin'," Sheldon snorted.

"Normally does," the engineer laughed. "Maybe you can ease into it by trying it with someone you know."

"Ah suppose," mused Sheldon. "Although Leonard is engaged." He took another sip of his drink. "Philip, yuh're a 'scientist'. Would yuh be intuh conductin' an experiment? For science of course."

"For science," Philip said with a smirk.

Penny didn't know whether she had fallen into one of those parallel worlds the guys were always babbling about; her mouth dropped as she took in Sheldon leaning over and kissing Philip! It wasn't a tonsil-hunting exercise but there was time for an adjustment of lips before they parted.

"Well?" said Philip.

"Ah can't say that it wasn't pleasurable," said Sheldon slowly. "But it did seem to 'lack' somethin'."

"The connection."

"Ah suppose." Sheldon took a sip and let the liquid swish in his mouth before swallowing. "Part of the reason why Amy left me was that ah lacked desire in pursuin' a physical relationship."

"Well, if you ever want to explore that part give me a call," Philip said with a wink.

Sheldon paused before leaning over to Penny.

"Ah don't know why Wolowitz has such difficulties pursuin' coitus," he drawled. "Ah can't meet someone without bein' offered a night between the sheets."

"Wolowitz," Philip repeated. "You don't mean Howard Wolowitz?"

"YuP," said Sheldon, popping the P.

"Nice guy. But really tight pants."

"That's just to keep some of his blood away from his crotch so he can think about other things," Penny grinned.

XXX

"So what did you think?" asked Penny as Sheldon and she mounted the stairs to their floor.

"Of what?"

"Of Philip, genius."

"Well, he seems nice enough an' surprisingly interestin' for an engineer," Sheldon drawled as he carefully placed his foot on the step. According to his brain he should have been at the floor by now. Obviously that was a mistake. Although perhaps not as much as letting Penny buy him a second drink at the bar.

"And what about the kiss?" Penny prompted. "How does it compare to Amy?"

"Like ah said before, the motor function was pleasurable enough."

"But no spark, huh?"

"Well we'd only just met. It took Amy and me three years."

"Gotta speed up the timeframe a bit, Sheldon," Penny teased gently.

"How do ah do that?"

"It means you really have to get out there, doesn't it?"

Penny got Sheldon to his door and then went to her own to open it.

"Penny, a moment?"

"What?" she said as she turned around only to find Sheldon right in front of her and before her brain could wrap around that she felt his soft lips on hers. Her neck arched as he stepped into her and, while it wasn't the most dynamic of kisses, Penny still felt like she was on another planet given that it came from Sheldon.

"Fascinatin'," Sheldon breathed as their lips parted.

"What?" she gasped.

"Ah like kissin'." He gave her a drunken Cooper smile. "'Night, Ma'am." He went to his apartment and entered, leaving a stunned Penny in the hall.

"Hey Sheldon," said Leonard from inside the apartment. "What the—Why did you kiss me!?"

"Science, Leonard."

"Science?!"

With a big grin on her face Penny entered her own apartment and shut the door.

XXX

"Sheldon's Log," the physicist said aloud as he lay in his bed. "Stardate…whatever. Ah kissed three people tonight. Ah didn't feel any of this hokey 'connection' thing with Philip an Leonard was too squawky tuh be helpful. But Penny?" A goofy grin came to his face. "Ah liked it fine." He tucked his hands under his head and stared at the ceiling. "So there are other people out there that ah can physically connect with aside from Amy. Perhaps a fellow physicist or a comic book aficionado? Stuart? Well, ah could give that a try." A thought came to him that made him smile. "Howdy, Ms. Diana1941, muh name's Sheldor an' ah'd like tuh show yuh muh comic book collection."

Penny was right; there were more fish in the sea. But of what quality?

Amy was intelligent and funny and had a certain reverence for him that was attractive.

"But she nagged me constantly for sex an' date nights doin' stupid stuff like Little House on the Prairie themed dinners or how she called muh comic books 'lame-o' an' ruined Indiana Jones.

"What ah need is someone with Amy's good traits an' not her bad ones." Sheldon's eyes brightened. "An' likes comic books and trains. An kissin'."

He moved his arms to his sides and closed his eyes.

Amy said she was the best girlfriend he was ever going to have.

"Just watch me, Ms. Fowler," he said defiantly followed by a little burp that tasted like strange cola.


	13. Chapter 13

Reference to: 'The Luminous Fish Effect'; 'The Grasshopper Experiment'; 'The Transporter Malfunction'; 'The Adhesive Ducks Deficiency'; 'The Codpiece Topology'; 'The First Pitch Insufficiency'; 'The Lizard-Spock Expansion'; 'The Anything Can Happen Recurrence'; 'The Vacation Solution'; 'The Hawking Excitation'

xTBBTx

Sheldon's mouth felt dry and so he took up the bottled water next to his computer and had a healthy swig. He'd been conversing with Diana1941 via email for weeks and now they were about to take their friendship to the next step—live chatting. His abdominal muscles contracted and he felt a warming flush through his body. IRC. She actually suggested IRC and Sheldon was so delighted at the prospect of using the, by technological standards, ancient form of communication.

"Wait until she gets a load of my Commodore Vic 20," he burbled happily. "A machine whose RAM capabilities couldn't even store a lengthy letter to my Meemaw."

He checked his watch and it was time so he clicked on to his Mirc chat relay and logged in as 'Sheldor' in the Undernet stream. From memory he typed in the name of the channel Diana1941 had put into her last email and, after a pause with his finger hovering over the 'Enter' key, clicked to join #JLAHeadquarters.

And there she was.

Diana1941: Hi there!

Unconsciously Sheldon smiled.

 _Sheldor: Greetings Diana1941! I wholeheartedly approve of our 'location', both the IRC and the JLA Headquarters._

Diana1941: I thought you'd like it.

 _Of course I have my JLA Membership card in my wallet. Can you say the same?_

Diana1941: Is it authentic?

 _Signed by Bat-Man himself._

Diana1941: Well as I'm on a first-name basis with Bat-Man I assure you he can vouch for me.

 _Diana1941, without proper documentation the world will fall into chaos._

Diana1941: So that's your super power—organizing paperwork!

 _Hardly, although I am a notary public._

Diana1941: Then I suppose I better be more careful of what I write to you.

 _I assure you you've done nothing to warrant scrutiny. That is, apart from sending me your recipe for whole wheat peanut butter and carob cookies. Naughty naughty._

Diana1941: Hey, you set yourself up with the cookies conversation. How can a woman resist?

 _I'll be sure not to tantalise you further since your impulse control is so lax._

Diana1941: So you didn't try my cookies?

 _Yes I did and they were delicious but that's secondary to my point._

Diana1941: Yes, yes, I lack impulse control says the one who's out there conducting kissing experiments.

 _Kissing is more than just two lips pressing together. My experiences have shown me that there are other variables at play which dictate how pleasurable the experience is._

Diana1941: *SMOOCHIE*

Diana1941: So how was it?

 _I must admit I've never experienced a kiss with such byte._

Diana1941: I'm a Humanities professor; believe me when I say I know how to 'capitalize' on a situation.

 _You never said where you worked. I'm at Caltech._

Diana1941: I hear that's a great school.

 _I'm not unhappy with it. And I take it you're avoiding my question?_

Diana1941: Bingo.

Diana1941: Although don't take it that I respect you only for your font.

 _Yes, my Calibri is attractive._

 _Apparently my roommate was right; you do have a wit about you that's appealing._

Diana1941: I like your roommate already.

 _He's short, myopic, lactose intolerant, an experimental physicist and otherwise engaged. Plus he talks while being kissed and that tickles the lips._

Diana1941: You kissed him, too?

 _As I said to you previously, I've recently discovered that I like the act of kissing. My experiences are limited and it's in my nature to explore once my curiosity is piqued._

Diana1941: Sounds like you need to set up a kissing booth at a local fair.

 _Hardly. I have no desire to mix with the folksy crowd. I grew up in the hickdom that is East Texas and I sure don't want to experience anything that reminds me of 'home'._

Diana1941: As bad as that?

 _It was hell. I was the only science-believing atheist in my city. My mother kept cold-cocking me on the head with her bible whenever I showed any lip._

Diana1941: Yikes! Well, I might be surrounded by books but I promise not to hit you with one. I love books too much!

 _I see you're trying to appear on my Mortal Enemies list._

Diana1941: Wow, I've never been a Mortal Enemy before! A pain in the ass, yes, but never one garnering such enmity. Muah-ha-ha.

 _Your sarcasm is noted. Welcome to the list._

Diana1941: I feel honored to have such a worthy adversary. So is this to the death or until I make you say, 'Uncle'?

 _I'm in the midst of looking over my schematic for a sonic death ray I made when I was a child._

Diana1941: A sonic death ray? Note to self, wear ear muffs when I meet you.

 _You really think your ear protection will save you?_

Diana1941: Well they're fuzzy.

Sheldon smiled even as he typed his reply.

xTBBTx

"Gentlemen," said Sheldon as he cleaned his fingers with his napkin. "I'm in need of advice."

"Do it," said Raj.

"Don't do it," added Leonard.

"Cut the blue wire," smirked Howard.

Sheldon scowled as he set the napkin down next to his lunch tray.

"What is it?" Leonard said with a smile, enjoying the scowl from his roommate for all it was worth.

"Penny has talked me into going on another 'blind date'—this one with one of Bernadette's acquaintances," said Sheldon. "Penny has been at my two previous rendezvous but this will be the first one I'm doing on my own. I was wondering if you had any advice?"

"Does she know what you look like?" asked Raj.

"Most likely."

"So who is it? Laura?" asked Howard innocently. He really didn't like Laura and this could be his chance at getting rid of her.

"No, Charlene. She's a paleontologist. Bernadette said that she wanted to meet me to see if I was 'okay' since she met a lot of 'losers' online," said Sheldon using air quotes with his fingers.

"Ah, the dance begins," nodded Howard. "Yeah, I've been there a few times." He began cutting up his chicken.

"Well it's a bright side that she still wants to meet you since she knows what you look like," said Raj.

"What's wrong with how I look?" asked Sheldon with narrowed eyes.

"Nothing if you like praying mantises," Raj chuckled garnering a glare.

"I see this was a mistake," Sheldon said crisply.

"Sorry, Sheldon. Look, all I can say is make sure you don't comment on her weight," said Raj as he thought about Lalita. "And stay away from her if she's a lesbian in need of a man to fool her parents."

"And if she's an Orion Slave Girl make sure she's a woman," snickered Howard.

"Or not your cousin," Raj growled back causing Howard to lose his smile.

"Hey, I also met Bernie on a blind date," he said.

"And Stephanie's roommate," added Leonard, trying unsuccessfully to reign in his grin. "Remember when you—"

"I don't think we need to go there," Howard said quickly.

"All I know is that if you meet her and she's loud, rude and orders the most expensive thing on the menu, run," said Leonard.

"But you ended up sleeping with Janice," Howard snorted.

"That was poor judgment," Leonard replied with a bit of a blush.

"So do you know where you're going?" Raj asked Sheldon.

"The Museum of Natural History," Sheldon replied before taking a forkful of peas.

"That's too predictable," said Howard. "How about taking her to a baseball game this Saturday? I'm going to be tossing out the ceremonial first pitch."

"Charlene is the one who arranged the location for the date," said Sheldon. "Besides, that would mean eating stadium hotdogs," he shuddered.

"And you might not impress your date for knowing who Howard is after he messes up his throw," said Raj.

"Well let me see you try," Howard growled.

"Dude, I played cricket."

"Well, I've got something I've been working on, so tune in Saturday," sniffed the engineer.

"Oh, believe me, we wouldn't miss this for the world," said Leonard.

"Yeah, the only thing is make sure you don't sit next to Bernie. She's still mad at you for telling Penny about the doctor sending her flowers."

"So why did you tell me?" Leonard said with a frown.

"Oh sure, blame the middle man," Howard said.

"You know Penny and I still fight over that," sighed Leonard.

"No, Penny probably fights with you because you won't let it go," Raj corrected.

"That's not true," Leonard replied indignantly. "I let things go all the time." Sheldon snorted. "What?"

"You mean that wasn't a Bazinga?" Sheldon said.

xTBBTx

"So anyways, thanks again about helping me out with Sheldon," said Penny as she peppered her macaroni salad.

"Yeah, I still feel guilty about that," sighed Bernadette. "Still, when you asked me for a name Charlene was the first one that came up who could have something in common with Sheldon."

"And wouldn't kill him."

"Well she worked at dinosaur sites in Alberta. At the very least she'd know how to hide the body if something happened." Both ladies laughed.

"I was thinking about posting another profile for him but I'm not so sure that's a good idea," said Penny as she ate. "He's talking to a woman who likes his current whack job one."

"She's not another Amy is she?" Bernadette gasped, her face paling.

"Leonard says this one has a sense of humour and likes comic books," soothed Penny.

"Huh. It's always funny to think that it can go the other way, too. You know, girls liking comic books," said Bernadette.

"Leonard assures me that there are a lot of girls at Comic Con."

"Is he still trying to get you to go?"

"He keeps thinking I'll have a stroke or something and agree," Penny said with a roll of the eyes.

"I told Howie that I'll only dress up in public for Halloween," Bernadette said adamantly.

"In public for Halloween, huh?" grinned Penny. "Guess the bedroom's another matter."

"Yeah," Bernadette said in an annoyed tone. "Every time I owe him one it's back to my old Catholic school girl outfit."

"Yeah, well, it's better than Star Trek," Penny said.

"Really? You mean you—"

"Just what a girl likes to be called, 'Shuttle Bay One'." Now it was Bernadette's turn to grin.

"Wow. We really do a lot to put up with them sometimes," she said as her smile faded.

"I guess that's what love's all about," said Penny. "Give and take. Push and pull. Oh, speaking of give and take I went to see a guy at the bank about my finances. He said alongside my savings I should invest some of it in mutual funds, my 401K, and a little dabble in the stock market."

"Ooo, look at you, Penny the investor," Bernadette winked as she ate her salad. "So what about my suggestion for a prenup? Did you go over that?"

"Gee, I'm still not sure about that," Penny said. "When I mentioned it to Leonard a while ago he said that if I was a movie star he wouldn't want a prenup since he'd be home taking care of the babies while I'm on set having an affair with Ryan Gosling."

"But you're not going to be a movie star, so that means you have to be extra careful with your money," Bernadette pointed out. "I mean look at Leonard, he's given you loans but he's never given you money."

"He bought me a car," Penny countered. "That reminds me, I'm gonna sell it and give him the money back. Since the company gave me a car to use it's pointless having two cars."

"Sounds like you see it as his money."

"It is his money."

"But you're together. According to you, wouldn't that be both his and your money?" said Bernadette. "See, with Howard and me, the money is kept separate except for a joint bank account for bills. Although it helps that I keep track of all the accounts or else I'd be up to my armpits with toys and comics."

"Yeah but I'm the spender between Leonard and me," said Penny.

"So that means you have more to lose if things go sour."

"Why would things go sour?" Penny said with a frown. "Leonard and I have known each other for eight years."

"Eight years of on again off again on again," snorted Bernadette. "You mean to tell me you're one hundred percent sure that it won't be off again?"

"Pretty sure," Penny said after a moment and with a flush on her face.

"'Pretty sure' equals prenup, chum," said Bernadette before taking a sip of her green tea.

xTBBTX

Sheldon flashed his museum pass to the attendant as he entered the great hall. Charlene said he'd find her at the entrance to the dinosaur exhibit. Penny said to wear something casual yet dressy and so he had obliged. As it was Saturday he went with Bat-Man and opted for the blue shirt with the glossy Bat-Man logo. He was relieved that a casual meet didn't mean his grey shirt and sports jacket—something that was practically mandatory whenever Amy suggested a 'date-like' activity.

He ascended the wide marble staircase to the left and made his way down the long diagonal hall until he entered the Galleries of the Ancient Dinosaurs. As he was early he spent his time looking over the fossilized coelophysis, an eight foot tall North American meat eater of the Triassic period. With his superior memory and frequent visits to the museum Sheldon didn't need to read the placard. Instead his eyes took in the shape of the dinosaur's long tail and legs and shortened forelegs and medium length neck.

"Well this is a treat," said a woman's voice and Sheldon turned to see a dark curly haired woman of, what he guessed to be, South American descent. "You actually look like your photo."

"Why wouldn't I look like my photo?" said Sheldon.

"Believe me, Sheldon, I've been on more dates than enough where I find out that the guy showed me a photo that's at least five to seven years old."

"Ah. Well I admit I hadn't realized that was the norm."

"It's okay," Charlene smiled. "Believe me this is a big plus in your favor. So, shall we begin our tour?"

"I've already memorized the exhibits," said Sheldon as they walked. "So we can skim through them to see my favorites, unless you have something to contribute beyond the placards."

"Fair enough."

"So how long have you known Bernadette?" he asked casually.

"Since undergrad. We met at an intro to archaeology course." She pointed at a large salamander-like fossil. "They've just uncovered a large body of Metoposaurus algarvensis in the Iberian peninsula. The speculation is that it was a lake which had dried up in the late Triassic period."

"They say it was one of the Earth's top predators," said Sheldon. "But Bernadette is a microbiologist."

"It was a breadth requirement course since it also crosses with social sciences," said Charlene. She stopped walking and turned to Sheldon. "So how do you know Bernie?"

"She's married to a friend of mine," said Sheldon.

"Howard's your friend?" said Charlotte with a smirk. "Well, this should be an interesting date."

"Howard is a peculiar little man but he does have his good points. Like for instance, he gave my science paper to Stephen Hawking."

"That's cool."

"Of course I had to polish the pee off his belt buckles and dress up like a French maid, but I suppose that diminishes my point," Sheldon added.

"A little bit," Charlene said as she pinched her thumb and forefinger together. "But enough about that. Want a behind the scenes tour of the museum's artifact storage rooms?"

"Would I!" Sheldon beamed. "I love rooms where things are properly labeled and numbered. I've spent hours at the Reference Library organizing their shelves."

"You volunteer there?"

"No. I just like doing it. I find it relaxing."

Charlene just smiled as the pair continued through the exhibit.

XXX

Howard walked down the tunnel away from the dugout and into a large waiting area just outside the team dressing room. His cheeks were flushed and his ears rang from a stadium-sized chorus of boos and cat-calls. The idea to use the MARS Rover to deliver the first pitch was brilliant—in theory. In practice he realized that he should have tested this beforehand as he would have realized starting the Rover from the pitcher's mound was a disaster in the making given its slow as molasses movement.

He heard the clicking of high heels down the hall and then Bernadette appeared.

"Hi Howie," she said sympathetically.

"What do you want?" he growled.

"Just seeing how you're doing," she squeaked. "They managed to get the Rover off the field and the game was only delayed fifteen minutes."

"Well now I know what thirty thousand booing people sound like," he sighed.

"Not everyone was booing."

"That's right," Howard said crisply. "Some of them were cat-calling me." He began to pace and then stopped. "I heard you guys. Raj. Leonard. You. I mean, 'You suck Wolowitz!' What the hell is that?"

"We didn't mean it," said Bernadette. "I guess we all got caught up in the crowd."

"It still hurt."

"I'm sorry." She went to her husband and gave him a hug. Howard sighed heavily.

"If only I'd stuck it out practicing throwing the ball," he said. "Then I would have skipped all this humiliation."

Bernadette had horrific flashbacks to their practice sessions in the university gymnasium where Howard couldn't toss the ball sixty feet much less accurately over the plate.

"Maybe you should just let this go," she simply said.

XXX

Sheldon entered his apartment to find Leonard and Penny on the couch watching a movie.

"How was the baseball game?" he asked.

"We got it on DVR so you can see the opening," chuckled Leonard. "It was pretty memorable."

"Okay, enough of that. So how was the date?" Penny said eagerly.

"Well," Sheldon began. "Charlene and I went through the dinosaur and mammal exhibits before taking in the Classical Greek and Roman exhibits and—"

"Yeah, yeah, you saw a lot of old stuff. I mean how was Charlene?"

"In her favor she loves dinosaurs and has backroom access to artifacts," said Sheldon slowly as he went to his computer. "But she doesn't like comic books and is indifferent to trains." He sat in his chair. "Plus she didn't get even one of my counterfactuals."

"Aw, not Counterfactuals," groaned Leonard.

"Why not?" said Sheldon as he logged on and went to his email. "How am I to determine our compatibility if I don't test her IQ?"

"Honey, people don't get together based on how smart they are," Penny said amiably.

"You mean like you and Leonard."

"Exactly," said Leonard with a smile until he took in Penny's death glare.

"What, you're saying I'm not smart?" she snapped.

"Of course you are," he said nervously. "I—The point is we get along."

"Well that feels like a pat on the head," she said coldly.

 _Greetings Diana1941_ , typed Sheldon as Penny and Leonard continued to argue. _I've just returned from my outing with Charlene. Her paleontological knowledge was sound and we spent our time discussing current discoveries. The only thing is she didn't like Jurassic Park so I question how dedicated she is to her profession._

"You always treat me like I'm stupid," Penny continued. "Like with Justin or my acting career or—"

"I'm not saying that you're stupid," Leonard countered. "Only that you sometimes make stupid choices."

Penny turned on her heel and marched out the door, slamming it shut behind her.

 _Additionally,_ continued Sheldon _. Charlene said that I was refreshing because I actually look like my profile picture. I hadn't realized that—_

"Thanks a lot, Sheldon," growled Leonard.

"For what?"

"You really need to know when to keep your mouth shut sometimes." Leonard pointed at the door. "Now get over there and apologize to Penny."

"Apologize for what?"

"Saying Penny is stupid!"

"I didn't say she was stupid," Sheldon countered. "You're inferring I had."

Leonard gave a big sigh.

"I'll wait until Penny's calm enough that she won't kill me on sight," he said and went to his room.

Sheldon typed a few more sentences before he stopped and glanced at the door. He then saved his email and closed his laptop before venturing out the door and across the hall.

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"What do you want, Sheldon?" Penny called out.

"Leonard informs me that I upset you."

"Door's open." Sheldon entered to find Penny sitting on the couch with a large glass of wine in hand. "You didn't upset me—I'm used to the whacked way you say things. Leonard's the asshat here."

"Alright then." Sheldon turned to go but hesitated. "I had a relationship of the mind with Amy. Only it seemed to diminish in importance as our relationship changed parameters."

"That happens," Penny said before taking a sip of her wine.

Sheldon closed the door.

"Amy said when she left me that she didn't respect me," he continued. "Upon reflection that statement hurt me more than her actual leaving."

"Honey I'm sorry."

"Relationships are desirable—to a point. It's up to each of us to decide and define what that point is." Sheldon looked directly at Penny. "I love Amy and yet she doesn't respect me. You and Leonard say you love each other yet you continue to argue."

"That happens in a relationship," Penny said. "Just because we say things doesn't mean Leonard and I don't love each other."

"My parents fought," Sheldon frowned. "I didn't like that."

"People are passionate," shrugged Penny. "You might want your brainy relationship and I'm not saying you're not gonna meet someone smart. Only that when you get to really like them then things will get heated from time to time. Get near the fire you'll get burned sometimes as my dad says."

"Penny, do you respect me?"

"Of course I do. You're the craziest—in a good way—person I've ever met. I love having you in my life. I couldn't imagine you not being here." She leaned back on the couch and smiled warmly. "I mean look at us, two dreamers really making it. I've finally got my act together and got a career and a fiancé and you're a professor now working on your dark matter stuff."

"We're both starting over."

"Not starting over. Boldly going to the stars, Mr. Spock," she said with a salute.

"I've changed by necessity," Sheldon countered. "String theory is a dead end so I'm not following my dreams rather than logic."

"Whatever ya wanna call it, sweetie," Penny said before taking a sip of wine.

"But what you said about traversing the stars," he continued slowly. "Does what you're doing now really constitute following your dreams?"

"Of course it does. I wanted to be successful and meet a nice guy."

"Ah," he said as he clasped his hands behind his back. "So the Penny I saw struggle for over seven years to be an actress wasn't following a dream?"

"It was an unrealistic one," she said in a lower tone.

"So you settled," he clarified.

"Sheldon, growing up isn't settling," Penny said adamantly.

"Likewise, settling doesn't mean you're growing up. It means you've given up. I haven't."

To Penny, Sheldon looked every inch his six foot two as he turned and exited her apartment.

"Always the dreamer, aren't you?" she murmured.

Penny stared at her glass of wine before taking a big gulp.


	14. Chapter 14

Reference to: 'The Intimacy Acceleration'; 'The Expedition Approximation'; 'Pilot'; 'The Cooper/Kripke Inversion'

xTBBTx

"So we're all packed?" asked Leonard excitedly as the guys sat at their lunch table.

"Packed and ready to go," Raj beamed. "I can't wait for Comic Con!"

Sheldon set down his bottled water on the tray.

"Howard, you've rectified your phaser issue with your costume?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah, Mark II phaser not Mark I," the engineer grumbled.

"Excellent. As this is the year for Star Wars our Star Trek costumes will make us stand out," Sheldon said evenly but with a sparkle to his eyes. A thought came to him and he stiffened. "We're still in agreement that there will be no significant others on this trip?"

"Not on your life," snorted Howard. "I already got some heavy teasing for having my Star Trek uniform in the apartment."

"I know the feeling," said Leonard, with a wry look. "Penny practically fell asleep when I tried to explain the differences between the phaser types."

Sheldon swallowed his bite of sandwich.

"And in the spirit of Classic Star Trek we shall be a landing party exploring a non-Federation gathering of dignitaries spanning dimensions and timelines," he said excitedly. "As representatives of the Federation it's our responsibility to get to know as many people as possible."

"Better be careful, buddy," said Howard as he chewed his rice. "An awful lot can happen at a convention you might not expect."

"Like what?"

"Raj?"

"Things can happen," Raj said darkly as he glared at Howard.

"I don't follow," said Sheldon. "You need to be more specific."

"Anything under the sun can happen there, Sheldon," said Howard enthusiastically. "Making out with a male Orion slave girl or a threesome with Sailor Moon or a night putting the moves on a slave girl outfitted Princess Leia."

"I've always been more attracted to Darth Vader," Sheldon replied. Howard blinked.

"Whatever floats your boat," he said. "The point is, it all happens there and you've got to be careful."

"I see," nodded Sheldon. He set down his fork. "Well I don't want any of that."

"Good," sighed Leonard, relieved he didn't need the condom talk with his roommate.

"I just want to meet a variety of people with similar interests and imaginative oral dexterity."

"Oral..." Raj's eyes lit up. "You mean you're kissing people now?"

"As Leonard can attest—"

"Leonard is not going to attest," Leonard said stiffly. "In fact Leonard wants to forget all about it."

"I don't blame you," Sheldon agreed. "Your technique is deplorable."

"Sheldon, you better slow down," said Raj. "People think that kissing is a precursor to sex."

"Odd. I never thought so."

"That's you. We're talking about the rest of humanity."

"Ah. I'll take this under advisement."

"Good," Leonard said firmly. "Now, we'll hook up at Dennys tomorrow and head off." Everyone agreed except for Howard. "Howard?"

"Just finishing up my twitter post," the engineer muttered distractedly albeit with a grin on his face.

"You better not mention Sheldon and me kissing," growled Leonard as he pulled out his phone.

"Of course I didn't," Howard said innocently. "Well, at least didn't say it directly."

"'Sheldon says that Leonard's kissing technique is deplorable.'" Leonard glared at Howard. "I hate you."

"Want him to kiss it better?" chuckled Raj.

XXX

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"What's up, buttercup?" asked Penny as she opened her door.

"I want to know how to go about kissing someone without implying I want to have intercourse," said Sheldon evenly. Penny's eyes widened.

"Ooo-kay. And why are you asking me?"

He raised an eyebrow. "You mean you always put out after kissing?"

"Of course not!" Penny pulled him into the apartment and closed the door. "Geez!" She dragged him over and sat him on the couch before proceeding to the kitchen to get herself a glass of wine. Somehow she knew she was going to need it. "So what brought this up?"

"Well, as you're aware I'm going to Comic Con this weekend," said Sheldon as he did his best to make himself comfortable. "It gives me the opportunity to meet people with similar interests."

"So look at it as a place where you hand out your business card rather than do anything physical," Penny replied as she poured the wine into her glass.

"It's just a kiss," shrugged Sheldon. "I haven't pledged my eternal devotion or offered my loins to someone."

"You kiss because you're interested not because you're conducting a science experiment."

"But how am I supposed to know if I'm interested if I haven't kissed?" Sheldon fidgeted in his seat before sliding to the edge of the couch to be in a sort of half-crouch. "I like to kiss therefore it has become a quality I'm looking for. Additionally, my 'science' that you poo-poo is critical to the selection process. Even you use it, although it's obvious you're oblivious to it."

"Gee thanks," Penny said before taking a sip of wine.

"Based on my observations there is a reasonable amount of technique involved in kissing and a level of familiarity deepens the enjoyment. Although there is a limit as to how much 'liking' someone can do to enhance the experience."

"What do you mean?"

"I love Amy and yet I can't say she's the best kisser I've had." Penny rolled her eyes.

"Sheldon, you don't just rank people."

"Why not? It's data, plain and simple. "

"So you mean you ranked me?"

"Of course," Sheldon said evenly. "Your technique was inferior to Philip's but given that he was prepared for a kiss and you weren't I'm lenient. Moreover, our connection as friends made the experience pleasurable as I know you and, thus, felt comfortable." Pause. "Plus you went back to green apple shampoo."

"Huh," Penny said, flattered while at the same time unsure of how to take the analysis.

"Without a doubt Leonard is the worst kisser I've experienced," Sheldon said, making a face. "What you see in that homunculus's sexual prowess I'll never know."

"Hey! Leonard's not that...he tries." Penny took a big gulp of wine.

"Some romance novels I've read talk of one's toes 'curling' at the intensity of the kiss. Is this possible?"

"YuP."

"Has it happened to you?"

"A few times, yeah."

"Has it happened with you and Leonard?"

"Anyways, just meet people," Penny said quickly and a little loudly. "Keep the kisses to a minimum. Or at least don't forget breath mints."

"Alright." Sheldon got off the couch. "Thank you, Penny."

"You're welcome, sweetie. Good luck."

Sheldon went to the door before turning around.

"I make my own luck, kitten." He winked and left the room.

"I wonder what kind of romance books he was reading?" Penny grinned.

XXX

"Well that's that," said Howard with a grin as he put his suitcase by the door. "First thing tomorrow morning I'm off with Raj."

"I hope you have a good time," Bernadette said from their kitchen table as she did some paperwork.

"There's a Star Wars preview and a Q&A with Chris Pratt and Bautista about Guardians 2," he burbled.

"Sounds like fun," she said without looking up from her work. "Just remember your limits or else you'll be brown-bagging it next week."

Howard was confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Your weekly allowance. Unless you did the smart thing and saved up for this."

"This isn't saving up for a new Vespa, this is Comic Con!" Howard gasped. "I can't spend the weekend on one week's allowance! And quit calling it an allowance!"

"I'm already being nice," Bernadette said crisply as she set her pen on the table. "I've broken down your half of the hotel room over the next six months so you won't be eating at home while I'm over at Penny's."

"You mean I'm getting my allowance cut?" said Howard hoarsely.

"It's no big deal. Just cut out some of your comic books and you'll be fine."

"Cut out my comic books?! What about your trip to Vegas?" Howard snapped. "How did that come out of your allowance?"

"That came from my salary," Bernadette shot back. "Unlike some of us in this household I actually make a sufficient income to support my vacations."

"Hey, I helped support Ma at the same time I went to Comic Con and I still had money left over for comic books." Howard marched to the door. "It's funny how I could afford things until I married you and now I can't even balance my own cheque book since you won't let me!" He picked up his suitcase. "I'm a grown man who's been to outer space so if I decide I want to spend my weekend dressed as Chekov you can't stop me."

"Where are you going?" Bernadette growled as he opened the door.

"Raj's. If I'm going to be sleeping on a couch it doesn't matter whose it is."

He closed the door behind him, leaving Bernadette and her scowl in the room.

xTBBTx

"So what do you want to do until the panel starts?" asked an Original Trek Klingon Raj.

"Well we could check out the displays in 'A' wing since it's the closest to the theater," replied Kirk-Leonard.

"Let's go to the Ferengi Trader's Market," said Spock-Sheldon. "It's early yet so we can peruse the merchandise before it's picked over."

"Sounds like a plan," said Chekov-Howard and the group headed to the shopping complex.

When they entered the room their eyes lit up at the many tables of exotic and priceless collectables.

"I have some comic books to look for," said Sheldon breathlessly. "Shall we meet back here at ten o'clock?"

"Sounds good," said Leonard as he checked his watch. "I'll go with you. I need a copy of Sandman issue one for Penny's nephew. He really liked Hellblazer and I want to broaden his horizons."

"That shouldn't be too hard given that he's in Nebraska," snorted Sheldon and the pair went on their way.

"I need to find something for Emily," said Raj as Howard and he began to scan the merchant tables. "She's into horror stuff so I'm thinking something vintage slasher."

"You mean Emily would like it here?" asked Howard.

"Of course she would. She does the Zombie Walk every Halloween and wants to take me to this place where you solve riddles to escape the locked room and a mutant zombie," Raj said as he looked over a Conan the Barbarian action figure. "She's not into the superhero movies as much but she really liked the Joker in The Dark Knight."

"I don't know what that says about your girlfriend," chuckled Howard. "Be careful where you leave the pencils in your apartment."

"Believe me, I lock them in my desk drawer," Raj said seriously. "But as a bright side to all this I feel extremely safe walking in dark alleys with her."

Howard stopped and surveyed his surroundings.

"You know, there isn't one thing I could buy Bernadette in this entire building," he said in an odd tone that caught Raj's attention. "Not a Tribble or a Muppet Labs model set." Pause. "All of this would be junk to her."

"Not everyone has the same tastes," Raj said sympathetically. "I mean I'm not into horror movies but I watch them because Emily likes them."

"But you don't criticize her for liking them," Howard replied as the pair resumed shopping.

"Of course not," said Raj. "She likes them and I respect that." A smirk came to his face. "Besides, all the scares and gore get her excited."

"I've lived in Bernie's apartment for over a year and it's still her apartment," said Howard. "No model rockets or action figures or even my light sabers."

"Yeah, that surprised me about the light sabers," said Raj as he looked over the Todd McFarlane Movie Maniacs action figures. He held up two packages. "Howard, should I get the Jason Voorhees or the Freddy Krueger figure?" At the silence Raj turned to see that Howard had gone on to another table with Star Wars merchandise. "Just a moment," he said to the vendor as he handed back the packages before heading over to Howard.

"I'll take it," said Howard to the vendor, who looked very pleased.

"What did you get?" asked Raj as the vendor pulled the plug on the glowing light-sword from the new Star Wars movie.

"I'll also take the Tie Fighter belt buckle," Howard added.

"Dude, you sure about this?" asked Raj.

"I'm just doing what Bernadette always does—shop therapy," said Howard with a grim smile as he pulled out his wallet.

XXX

"Yes, I'm having a good time," Raj said as he sat on his hotel bed talking with Emily on the phone. "I think we're going filking soon. ... Filking. It's singing songs with a science fiction or fantasy theme. ... Like Weird Al's Yoda. ... I'll see you Monday night. Dinner at my place? ... Excellent. ...Bye." He hung up and turned to his best friend who sat on his own bed looking over an assortment of collectibles with a dejected look on his face. "What's up?"

"I wonder if I can return some of this tomorrow?" sighed Howard.

"Do you want to?"

"Not really." Howard shook his head. "But Bernie's going to kill me." He traced along the light sword blade with his finger. "I don't know why but I feel ashamed of this stuff." He looked to his best friend. "I mean belt buckles aside, where am I going to put the Hawkman action figure or the light sword much less everything else? Bernie won't let me put it in the bedroom and there's no room in the living room."

"How about this," said Raj gently. "Store the stuff at my place then bring it into the apartment a little at a time."

"I guess."

"Howard, it's your place too," Raj said with a slight frown.

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Raj and Howard."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Raj and Howard."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Raj and Howard."

Raj went over and opened the door to Sheldon and Leonard.

"It's nine o'clock," Sheldon said. "Time to socialize."

"But the filking doesn't start until ten," replied Raj.

"There's the Mos Eisley spaceport common room. It's twenty four hours."

"You mean you want to go to the social room?" gasped Raj. "You?"

"Grab your gear and let's go," Sheldon said with a snap of the fingers.

"He's right. Let's go," said Howard as he got off the bed.

Raj nodded and the pair followed Sheldon and Leonard down the hall to the elevator.

"So you all realize that it's early yet," said Howard. "The social room should be filled with desperate losers looking to latch on to cool people and party."

"Good thing we're no longer desperate," grinned Raj.

"I fail to see why being single is such an affliction that one becomes desperate if he's not pair bonded," tsked Sheldon as the elevator arrived and they got in and went to the proper floor.

"Then why are you going to the social room?" asked Leonard.

"How else am I supposed to widen my circle of acquaintances? Besides, I reject your notion that I'm desperate."

The elevator opened and the group went down the hall and into the social room—a place with non-alcoholic beverages, snack foods and ample seating. To their surprise the room was more than half capacity.

"Obviously people want to get the partay started," grinned Raj.

"I see," said Sheldon as he scanned the room filled with Romulans, Sith lords, superheroes and other assorted beings. "So based on your prior experiences how do we go about socializing?"

"To be honest we just stood against the wall and stared at all the hot alien chicks," said Raj with a bit of a blush. "It wasn't much of a plan but without alcohol here it makes things kind of tough."

"So why did you come here?"

Howard pointed to the tack board.

"That's the place people post room numbers for open parties," he said. "We'd grab a few, go filk until midnight and then hit the rooms once we thought the partiers were sufficiently drunk enough to let us in."

Sheldon nodded and went over to the message board where a dirty blonde haired woman wearing a silver Seven of Nine outfit was looking over the bulletins. He glanced at the board, memorizing its contents before looking at her. He then pulled out his tricorder and gave her a scan.

"Fascinating," he said with a raised eyebrow. "Your implants are impressive."

"My breasts aren't Borg enhanced," the woman said with a smirk even though her eyes didn't leave the board.

"Why would they be enhanced?" asked Sheldon, puzzled. "Apart from Seven of Nine's eye, ear and hand implants the only other trace of Borg technology comes in the form of her Carapace without which her intestines would fall on the floor." The woman turned to him, curiosity on her face. "How did you stabilize the liquid latex for your hand?"

"I used a black rubber glove," she said as she showed off her Borg hand. "The tips are—"

"Rubber tips from Office Depot," Sheldon said. "I see you turned them inside out."

"Yup," the woman said, pleased. "The only thing I'm having a little problem with is the eye piece as the spirit gum just isn't working."

"It's a difficult location both gravity-wise and from a perspiration perspective," agreed Sheldon. "I'd recommend a medical adhesive that requires its own solvent. You can find it at specialty costume and makeup shops."

"Thanks," she smiled. "I'm Tracy."

"Sheldon."

"Are you here by yourself, Sheldon?"

"No, my friends are over there by the couch pretending to be wall ornaments," Sheldon sniffed. "I really don't see the point in waiting to socialize with drunk people as 'the plan'"—he used finger quotes—"seems to be. I much prefer intellectual conversation." He raised an eyebrow. "But that could be my Vulcan nature."

"Well that will make you stand out," Tracy chuckled. "Not here for even a little fun?"

"Why does 'fun' mean drunkenness and coitus? Why can't it mean Star Trek trivia and cross-species oral stimulation?"

"Oral stimulation?"

"As I've recently discovered that I like kissing I realized that Comic Con offers a plethora of species with which to practice," Sheldon said seriously.

"Have you tried a Borg yet?" asked Tracy with an impish smile.

"No."

She gave him a light peck on the lips.

"You have been assimilated," she said with a wink. In response Sheldon pulled out his tricorder sensor and scanned his lips.

"How did I not think about using a tricorder?" gasped Howard as Raj, Leonard and he gawked at Sheldon talking with Tracy.

"Chicks dig Vulcans and Klingons, puny human," smiled Raj.

Sheldon and Tracy came over to the gang.

"Tracy said there's a pre-party gathering up in room five twelve," he said.

"Actually, we were going to get a seat in the filking room," Raj replied.

"Very well. I'll see you there or at our hotel room." Sheldon and Tracy left the room.

"Or in the morning staggering back from Tracy's room," Howard said in a sly voice.

"What the frak just happened here?" gasped Leonard. "None of us could get a woman if we tried and here Sheldon is scooping up Seven of Frakken Nine!"

"Exactly Leonard," said Raj. "If _we_ tried. Until now Sheldon never did."

XXX

Tracy and Sheldon made it to the hotel room and she knocked.

"Password," said a man's voice tinged with an Albertan accent from behind the door.

"Two, ten, eleven," Tracy said.

The door opened and Sheldon's eyes widened at the sight of a six foot five Next Generation Klingon with what looked to be genuine dreadlocks flowing down to mid back. The Klingon took in Sheldon and raised himself to his full height.

"A Vulcan?" he growled. "Much less Federation scum?"

"He's here on a cultural exchange," Tracy said amiably. "Besides he's been assimilated."

"Alright Vulcan, you've heard the pass code. Tell me its significance and you can enter."

Sheldon cocked his head in thought.

"Well it's not a coordinate, star date or log entry," he said. "In fact, the only reference to those numbers in that sequence comes from the Addams Family's vault combination. Two, ten, eleven. Eyes, fingers, toes."

The Klingon opened the door and indicated with a grunt and a swing of the head that the pair should enter.

"You told him," a short Bajoran woman with a blunt bob cut and red skin tight body suit said.

"I sweat I didn't," Tracy laughed as another Klingon, this one shorter than Sheldon and more than a few pounds heavier, handed her a wine cooler. "Out of character, this is Sheldon." Here she smiled. "He likes my implants—and means it too."

"Good to know," the dreadlocked man said. "I'm Dragan."

"Kim," said the Bajoran.

"Ron," said the other Klingon.

"Where's Jay?" Tracy asked.

"Still getting ready," said Kim as she flumped down on a chair and took up her cooler. "He bought a bunch of stuff and wants to add them to his costume."

"Beer?" Ron asked Sheldon.

"No thank you. I don't drink," he replied.

"Asking a Vulcan to drink," Tracy teased. "For shame, Ron."

"More beer for me," Ron replied with a grin.

"I take it Jay will also be dressed as a Klingon?" Sheldon asked as he went to stand by the television set next to Tracy.

"Every year we dress like Klingons and go caroling all the party rooms looking for blood ale." Dragan narrowed his eyes at Kim. "Only some chose to cut their hair and refused to wear a wig this year."

"Ah yes," said Sheldon. " _Heghlu'DI' mobbe'lu'chugh QaQpu' Hegh wanI_ "

"You speak Klingon!" roared Ron, delighted.

"Fluent, actually," sniffed Sheldon.

"Excellent," said Dragan. "You can join our merry band. Only, I'm not sure what to offer you since you don't drink."

"That's okay, Sheldon's on his own quest here," said Tracy with a sly smile. "Until he met me he never kissed a Borg before and now he wonders what other beings kiss like."

"A kissing Vulcan?" Ron raised an eyebrow. "Sounds illogical."

"I disagree," said Sheldon. "Vulcans are a logical and methodical race but they also appreciate the arts. Oral stimulation, I've learned, is as much an art as it is a physical act. There's technique and if one is lucky a connection akin to a mind meld. If anything I would be unVulcan if I were not curious about such a form of communication."

"Well, then, I better add to the data," Kim said as she sashayed over and kissed Sheldon. "Welcome to Bajor," she smiled.

"I've so got to be Vulcan one year," chuckled Ron before taking a swig of beer, spilling a bit on his chest plate. "Of course I don't know if I could be stoic all night," he said as he wiped off the beer with his hand.

"Don't forget that Vulcans can enter the Pon Farr," said Sheldon. "Every seven years they undergo a blood fever, become violent and finally die unless they mate with someone with whom they are empathetically bonded."

"Sounds terrific," purred Kim. Sheldon looked to her.

"Currently I'm not in the Pon Farr," he said.

"Ouch," she smiled as everyone else laughed.

"I'm not looking for coitus tonight."

"Coitus?" teased Ron.

"No sex it is," Tracy cut in quickly.

"All of my friends are in relationships and mine has ended," Sheldon continued, oblivious to Tracy's scowl at Ron which shut the Klingon up. "I've come to realize that what had earlier passed for solitude has become loneliness and isolation and I wish to remedy that."

"You want to meet people," Kim said. Sheldon nodded.

"Well, then, Mr. Spock," Tracy said as she linked arms with him. "You are so going to meet people tonight."

XXX

"Here we are," said a woman's voice outside Leonard's hotel room door. "Thanks for helping us get the guys to bed."

"You're welcome." Sheldon's voice.

Leonard reached over and turned on the table lamp before grabbing his glasses and noting the time on the clock—four seventeen am.

"If we don't hook up tonight I'll Facebook you and we'll meet up for comic book night and a tea," she continued.

"That would be acceptable. Goodnight Tracy."

A moment and then Sheldon entered the room.

"So how was tonight?" asked Leonard as Sheldon took off his tricorder and set it on a chair.

"Fruitful. Thanks to my new friends I met a wide assortment of people."

"That's good," Leonard said in an odd voice which Sheldon didn't catch. "Well you better get to bed since the panels start again in a few hours."

"Let me get my makeup off and shower first," said Sheldon as he took up his pajamas, slippers and housecoat and went into the washroom.

"Huh," Leonard said thoughtfully as he heard the shower turn on. He couldn't get over how successful Sheldon's been at making friends much less meeting women. And the women he's met! Seven of Nine! Those women at the bar! They were as far away from Amy as any girl on the planet. Like Penny for instance. It was a good thing that Sheldon wasn't interested in Penny when they all first met. The sudden memory of Penny and Sheldon staring at each other in front of his whiteboard twisted Leonard's gut.

"I can't wait until Sheldon gets a girlfriend," he muttered.

xTBBTx

"Thanks Penny, that was a great dinner," said Bernadette as she relaxed on Penny's couch with a glass of wine.

"Yes, well, it was my finger that did the dialing to the restaurant," Penny grinned as she said beside Bernadette.

"Nice to have a break from the men-folk," agreed Amy from the laptop. "I take it they're at Comic Con this weekend?"

"Where else?" said Penny as she poured herself some wine. "Probably spending their time talking with a Klingon or something."

"Let's find out what they're doing," said Bernadette and leaned over to log into her Facebook account. "Ah! Some pictures are up." She began to frown. "Boy, some of those women sure don't wear a lot of clothes."

"And yet ironically their scantily constructed costumes manage to survive hurricanes and the rigours of outer space," snorted Amy.

"Oh look, there's Raj and Leonard!" laughed Penny. "I think they're drunk." She leaned in closer to read the caption. "Filking with Sheldon and Tracy." Immediately she blanched as she looked at Amy's suddenly sober face.

"Well, they're having a good time," Bernadette said quickly. "So, what do you ladies want to do now?"

"Who's Tracy?" asked Amy.

"I dunno," replied Penny. "Someone he met at Comic Con I guess."

"I unfriended Sheldon," Amy continued. "Perhaps one of you could check his page for more information."

"It's probably some guy," Bernadette said uneasily. "We should just leave them be."

"No," said Amy. "If Sheldon is using his time away from me to consort with harlots dressed as scantily clad superheroes then I want to know."

"It's probably not like that," said Penny as she clicked onto her Facebook page.

Bernadette and Penny hunched together to look over Sheldon's page. There were a lot of photos of various costumed characters and some people they took to be actors. But it was the ones that other people were posting on Sheldon's page that were far more interesting. As one Penny and Bernadette's mouths dropped as they saw Sheldon kissing a woman wearing a black PVC cat-suit complete with ears. But there was more. Sheldon arm in arm with a woman in a silver body suit. Sheldon wiping lipstick off his mouth as a Harley Quinn grinned at the camera. Sheldon with various Klingons and other Star Trek characters, including Howard, Raj and Leonard, in the throes of revelry. Sheldon was still awkwardly Sheldon in demeanor compared to the others but for Penny in particular she could see that he was actually having a good time and that pleased her.

There was a video from Tracy entitled, 'Blood Wine Blues'. Penny clicked on it and then a bunch of Klingons plus Sheldon and a red body suit clad girl were singing a song in some kind of language she didn't understand but sounded a lot like throat gargling.

"Well?" asked Amy.

"Uh, you know, just some geeky stuff," Penny said in an uneven tone.

"You do realize I can see both of your faces, right?" Amy said, clearly unimpressed. "And I take it from your slack-jawed looks that Tracy is, indeed, a woman?"

"I'm sure she doesn't mean anything," Bernadette said hurriedly. "I mean, there's a long way between making out with someone and dating, right Penny?"

"Right," Penny agreed as she took in Amy's very unimpressed look. "It's Comic Con. People kiss people all the time."

"Kissing," Amy said icily. "Do you know how long I waited for a single kiss from that praying mantis? How patient I was waiting for him to get over his stupid germ phobia?"

"Amy," Penny began. "I'm sure that—"

"And now someone else is reaping rewards for all my work." Amy cocked her head in thought. "Well, then, I suppose fair is fair."

"You're going to find some guy and make out with him?" asked Bernadette.

"Nope. I'm going to show Sheldon what it's like when someone else steals his rewards," said Amy. "I won't be made a fool of by my boyfriend."

"Actually, he's your ex-boyfriend," Penny amended.

"Never mess with a woman's five year plan, bestie. Now if you'll excuse me, I've a plan to enact."

The Skype screen went black as the call disconnected.

"Holy crap on a cracker," Penny gasped as she looked to Bernadette.

"She's never going to know we set Sheldon up on dates," the little woman squeaked. "I don't need monkeys sneaking into my room to scratch my eyes out."

xTBBTx

Howard set down a bag full of collectibles beside his apartment door and fished out his keys. After unlocking he took up his valuables and a deep breath for good measure before entering.

"Hi," he said overenthusiastically as he scurried quickly behind Bernadette who was sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

"So how was the convention?" she asked absently as he entered the bedroom.

"Great."

"You see who you wanted to?"

"Uh-huh."

"Find anything interesting to buy?"

At once Howard's back felt the tingly icicles hanging off Bernadette's saccharine words.

"A couple of things," he said as he slid a bag of collectibles under the bed.

"You know I can see the transactions you made with your credit card online, right?" she said evenly as she turned a page.

"You checked my account?!" Howard roared as he marched from the bedroom to stand before her.

"Our account," Bernadette amended.

"It's in _my_ name!"

"On _our_ account."

"So what you're saying is that you don't trust me to pay off my own things," Howard growled with his hands forming fists.

Bernadette set the open magazine on her lap.

"After the fifteen hundred bucks on the 3D printer you better believe I don't," she growled back.

"I got rid of it, didn't I?"

"Howie, it's not that I don't want you to have things," Bernadette sighed. "It's just that I want you to have things that other people won't think belong to a teenage boy. Well, apart from your pants," she said with a little smile. She took in his sad face. "Come on, you might as well show me what you got."

"Promise me you won't take the joy out of it," Howard pouted.

"Of course not, honey."

"Great! Wait until you see the light saber." Howard rushed into the bedroom.

"Wait until you see how many months before you get your allowance back," Bernadette said quietly to herself with a smug smile.

xTBBTx

 _Heghlu'DI' mobbe'lu'chugh QaQpu' Hegh wanI_ : - Death is an experience best shared (lit. "If one is not alone when one dies, the event of death was good")


	15. Chapter 15

Reference to: 'The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation'; 'The Comic Book Store Regeneration'; 'The Good Guy Fluctuation'

xTBBTx

 _I'm sorry you couldn't make Comic Con this year,_ Sheldon wrote his pixel-pal. _The Avengers and Guardians 2 panels were excellent. In fact, there might have been a spoiler let loose as Chris Pratt said_ —

The door to 4A opened and Penny entered wearing a tank top, capri pants and a big grin.

"Hello Sheldon," she said sweetly as she approached her friend. "So, a little bird told me that you made a little fun for yourself at the convention." The moment she was alone with Leonard she made him spill the beans on what happened with Sheldon. Who knew that a breakup with Amy could have such positive effects?

"Yes, it was exciting," he said as he typed. "We got to see the preview for the new Avengers movie, heard about a possible Flash/Green Lantern team up—"

"I mean you and the robot chick."

"Ah. You mean Tracy—and FYI she was a Borg. Yes, both she and Kim gave me a tour of the town as it were."

"Good for you, Sheldon!" Penny cheered.

Sheldon turned his chair to face his neighbor.

"I'm taking your advice and am expanding my social network." His mouth twitched. "Facebook friend requests keep coming in. It's rather overwhelming."

"But in a good way, right?"

"Suppose one of them is into identity theft? Or is a serial killer? Or a fledgling physicist out to pick my brain and not give me credit?"

"I'm sure they're fine," Penny soothed. "Only don't give them any credit card information or your home address."

"I'm not that vacuous," Sheldon said stiffly as he turned back to his computer. "Contrary to popular opinion I'm a thirty four year old adult not a—" His eyes lit up. "Oh! A note from my friend, Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton."

Immediately Penny's smile froze.

"That's the one who slept with Leonard, right?" she said.

"And Rajesh," said Sheldon as he read. "Hmm. She has a conference next week and was wondering if she could stay here." He raised an eyebrow in thought. "Well, as Leonard and Raj are seemingly happy in their tenuous relationships—"

"Hey!" snapped Penny.

"—Elizabeth should be just fine."

"Well, just to be sure she doesn't decide to play nicely with others I'll keep Leonard over at my place until she's gone," Penny said, her arms folded across her chest.

"Agreed," said Sheldon. "She can sleep in Leonard's room."

"Yeah, I bet she will."

"You don't have to bet. I just told you she will," Sheldon said as he opened a new window and began to type.

Penny rolled her eyes. "Eyah. Listen, I also wanted you to know that while you were away at the Comic book convention Bernadette and I were hanging out with Amy."

"Oh?" Sheldon said in a tone he hoped passed for casual. "How is she doing?"

"Well, you know Amy." Penny paused as she bit her lip. "Listen, you're okay now, right?"

"I'm exceptional," Sheldon replied as he typed.

"Do you miss Amy?"

Sheldon stopped typing and straightened in his seat.

"Sometimes," he said. He glanced at Penny. "I've shared my thoughts with that woman for over four years. From what I understand 'getting over' someone takes time."

"Yeah," Penny said as she thought about Amy. "Listen, sometimes when people break up they can do some crazy things—"

"I assure you I'm not insane. My mother had me tested."

"I know. I mean that—" Penny's phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and blanched when she saw Amy's name. _How the hell did she know?!_ "We'll talk later," she said awkwardly and left.

xTBBTx

Amy leaned back against her couch, mug of tepid water in hand. Her eyes were dry from the strain of reading over so many documents in a short amount of time but she had to be sure of what she was doing before she could act. Unbeknownst to Sheldon, Amy had copied his research from his computer. It was her hope that they could work together on his string theory, becoming the Madame and Monsieur Curie of the physics world. Since she wanted this to be a surprise she met with a few of Sheldon's colleagues in order to get explanations for some of what he was doing but overall she felt she had a grasp of his ideas. In fact, she even had a few of her own.

That's why it was frustrating that Sheldon decided to abandon string theory as all of her dreams of working with him went to the wayside. All of the work she put into getting him to lower his expectations for his career so that they'd become research partners went out the window because Sheldon 'didn't feel it' anymore. After working on string theory for twenty years he realized now that his work was for nothing.

"Why do things always happen to me?" Amy sighed.

Her eyes glanced at her computer screen. In her estimation, her interpretation on M-theory was really promising. The question was what to do with it?

Perhaps this could be a good way to lure Sheldon back to her. Amy realized that Sheldon always had another mistress when they were dating. Lady Physics, as she often said with a sneer, got in the way of more date nights than enough. With Amy's luck Sheldon would be so intrigued by her numbers that he'd lock himself away to research. No, luring him with physics was a dangerous idea. But she had to do something with her research. Should she publish it herself? She could but that wouldn't get Sheldon's attention. She needed something that would make him come to her.

Besides, she owed him for sucking face with those man-stealing bitches from Comic Con.

Amy reached for her phone and dialed.

"Hewwow?" said a familiar voice.

"Hello Barry. It's Amy Farrah Fowler. ... Yes, Sheldon's ex-girlfriend. Listen, I have a proposition for you—"

XXX

"It's new comic book night, Leonard," Sheldon said in an annoyed tone, tapping his foot even as he glared out the side window of the car.

"I'm going the speed limit like you want," Leonard replied. "It's not my fault it's taking a while to get there."

"Yes, but we left late because you didn't eat from the higher end of the fibre scale this morning."

"Yeah yeah." Leonard turned onto another street. "So what's the big hurry? Raj and Howard are going to meet us there." Sheldon turned to his roommate.

"As it so happens I'm meeting Tracy and some of her friends," he said.

"Cool," grinned Leonard. It was cool enough that he was seen at the comic book store with Penny. Now to show up and have the guys see him with a hotty like Tracy—complete bonus.

"Tracy said one of her friends is a comic book artist. Independent press, mind you, but still."

"Have I read his stuff?" asked Leonard.

"I doubt it," said Sheldon as he glanced at the side mirror. "And it's a her."

"Ah," Leonard said as he blanched. "A girl? That's rather unusual." He felt his mouth go dry and his hands tightened around the steering wheel.

 _Please don't be Alice!_ he mentally begged.

They found a parking spot and after putting coins in the meter Sheldon and Leonard made their way to the comic book store. It didn't have the homey feel of Stuart's old store but there was something to be said about the decor and added pizzazz to the place. Perhaps Stuart's new store would capture a similar ambiance when it opened.

"Please don't be Alice. Please don't be Alice," Leonard continued mumbling to himself as he followed Sheldon into the store.

"There's Tracy," said Sheldon and proceeded over.

Leonard took one look at the woman next to Tracy and immediately went white.

"I forgot something in the car," he said in a strangled voice even as he dashed from the store.

"Hello," Sheldon said to Tracy as he took in her civilian outfit of red knee high boots, jeans and a short red leather jacket.

"Hi there," the blonde woman smiled warmly. "Hey Dragan," she called out. About five feet away a crouched Dragan was looking over the comic books on the bottom shelf.

"Hey Sheldon," he called out as he stood, his six foot five body ominous in its black leather biker jacket, dark jeans and biker boots with multiple buckles down the side. "I love the smell of new comic books in the evening."

"You always say that," said a shorter woman with long brown hair in a soft pony tail wearing a black lace top, Capri pants and a sleeveless jean jacket.

"You know you love it."

The woman shook her head as Dragan laughed before acknowledging Sheldon.

"I'm Alice," she said amiably.

"She's our resident comic book creator," Tracy said.

"Hello," Sheldon nodded. "Are you publishing as a comic book or online?"

"Comic book," Alice said firmly. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll probably have to go online if I want to widen my readership but I'll never give up the feel of paper."

"An acceptable response," Sheldon nodded.

"Hey Sheldon," said Raj as he came over to the group.

"Rajesh." Sheldon looked around. "Where's Howard?"

"Bernadette cut off his allowance so I'm picking up his comics for him," said Raj. He waved a hello to Tracy. "Nice to see you again." Now it was his turn to look around. "Where's Leonard?"

Immediately Alice dropped her smile.

"He mentioned forgetting something in the car," Sheldon replied.

"Leonard?" Alice asked gruffly. "He wouldn't be a short greasy-haired troll wearing glasses would he?"

"Well to be fair the greasy look isn't from a lack of hygiene than an overabundance of hair gel," said Sheldon.

" _Now_ you guys are familiar," said Alice with a frown. "You were with him at that other comic book store." She turned to Tracy. "Leonard's the asshole I told you about."

"The one who cheated on his girlfriend with you?" Tracy replied crisply.

"Yeah, we made out at his place and at mine," continued Alice.

"March seventh, two thousand and eleven," Sheldon said matter-of-factly. He cocked his head. "So you're the mysterious woman he met up with while Priya was in India."

"Wait, he cheated on my sister?" gasped Raj.

"Yes."

"And you didn't say anything to me?"

"I assumed that Leonard was just jabbering like he usually does," shrugged Sheldon. "Besides, you know that I tune out anything involving your sister."

"So how do you know this Leonard guy?" asked Tracy pointedly.

"He's my roommate."

Alice rolled her eyes even as she walked away.

"Maybe this wasn't a good idea meeting you after all," said Tracy.

"Did I do something to offend you?" asked Sheldon, unsure of what was going on.

"Alice really liked Leonard and he was just screwing around with her," Tracy explained. "And you hang out with Leonard so it's kind of awkward."

"Why? I'm not asking for you to 'hang out' with Leonard. You're my friends not his," Sheldon said excitedly.

Tracy took a good look at Sheldon's distress.

"Look, I'll text you later and we'll talk," she said with a little smile and left to go find Alice.

"You tell Leonard that I want to talk to him," growled Raj before leaving in a huff.

Stunned at what had just transpired, Sheldon quietly got his new comic books and proceeded to pay for them before leaving the store. He arrived at the car to find Leonard inside all scrunched down in the driver's seat wearing sunglasses. Sheldon got in and put on his seatbelt.

"I didn't get your comic books," he said evenly.

"That's okay," Leonard replied. "I'll get them tomorrow."

"Tracy's friend is Alice."

"I know. I saw her and left."

"I see." Pause. "I don't think I want to play Halo tonight."

Leonard turned on the engine and pulled out of the parking spot.

xTBBTx

Diana1941: I have to say that I'm really impressed with The Flash tv show. It's really captured the feel of the comic book.

 _Yes, it is enjoyable._

Diana1941: I'm really looking forward to a possible Green Lantern/Flash team up. Anything has to be better than that Ryan Reynolds fiasco.

 _Beyond abysmal._

Diana1941: Hey Sheldor, you're kind of monosyllabic tonight. Is there something wrong?

I _'m mulling over something that happened last evening. I went to new comic book night to meet Tracy and her friends and it turns out that Alice had a previous altercation with my roommate, Leonard._

Diana1941: Altercation like he hit her car in a parking lot or altercation like calling 911?

 _While his girlfriend was in India he proceeded to have an affair with Alice. It should be noted that she didn't know that he had a girlfriend._

Diana1941: Well that's pretty scummy.

 _Regardless, Tracy has decided that her knowing me is 'awkward' and might possibly be a mistake because Leonard's my roommate. She texted me tonight and said that she wanted to talk to me in person. I said that I had a guest in town this upcoming week and so we scheduled for later._

 _I'm not sure what to do or what to expect._

Diana1941: Well, either she's going to say goodbye and good luck to you or else she's going to set out some ground rules for you.

 _Such as what?_

Diana1941: Maybe they don't want to deal with Leonard at all, which includes you not bringing him up.

 _But he's my best friend and roommate. How am I not supposed to bring him up?_

Diana1941: Look, just because he's your friend doesn't mean that he can't be a douche to other people. That he hasn't done anything bad to you doesn't mean that what he does to others is okay.

Diana1941: Sorry, didn't mean to lecture you about your friend.

 _Actually, he did betray me._

Diana1941: What happened?

 _I was awarded a research grant to the Arctic so I invited Raj, Howard and Leonard to come with me. The goal was to detect slow moving monopoles. By the end of our expedition I thought I was successful. I had informed the university that I had found the monopoles. My Nobel Prize was assured._

 _It turned out, however, that Leonard had discovered that a short in the electric can opener triggered my detector and so was faking monopoles so as to 'keep me happy'._

Diana1941: That's terrible!

 _It was beyond humiliating. I resigned my position and returned to Texas only to find life there to be intolerable. Thus I returned to the university where I was ridiculed for months. My reputation most certainly took a hit. To this day I wonder what opportunities I might have missed with having this blight on my record._

Diana1941: Just a question here: if Leonard did something this asshole-ish why are you still friends with him much less living with him?

 _Because he's my friend._

Diana1941: And...?

 _My social network revolves around Leonard. Now that Amy is gone he's all I have left. If I removed him from my life that would mean the end of all my other friends, too._

 _I don't want to be alone._

Diana1941: You won't be. Look at the friends you made at Comic Con. Heck, you met me. I like you.

 _I'm about to lose Tracy so she doesn't count._

Diana1941: Don't be such a pessimist. Just tell her the situation and if she's a smart cookie she'll figure out a way to make things right.

Diana1941: Don't sell yourself short, Sheldor.

 _My name is Sheldon._

Diana1941: I'm Martha. :)

 _Nice to formally meet you, Martha. :)_

Diana1941: So. Arrow. What do you think's going to happen in the finale?

 _Well, given that Oliver is currently—_


	16. Chapter 16

Reference to: 'The Plimpton Stimulation'; 'The Expedition Approximation'

xTBBTx

A knock at the door and Sheldon got up from his spot on the couch.

"Be good," Penny hissed to Leonard.

"You mean I can't be nice?" he replied defensively.

"Only if it comes in a hands off variety."

Sheldon opened the door and grinned.

"Elizabeth," he said happily. "Please come in."

"Thank you, Sheldon," she replied. She entered the apartment carrying her carpet bag and rolling briefcase. She took in Leonard's smile and Penny's fake positive expression. "Hello Leonard."

"We're engaged," Penny said quickly as she held out her ring for Elizabeth to see.

"Congratulations," Elizabeth said in what to Penny sounded like a disappointed tone.

"Let me take you to Leonard's room," said Sheldon. "You'll be sleeping there."

"You don't have to," said Elizabeth as she looked to Leonard with an impish smile. "I know where it is."

As soon as she was around the corner Sheldon's smile left his lips and he stared hard at Leonard.

"Get out," he said firmly.

"What?" Leonard replied, shocked.

"Get out before you cheat on Penny and defile my friend."

Leonard flushed. "What are you—"

"And don't come back until Elizabeth's gone."

"But my clothes are here!" Leonard growled.

"Pack a suitcase," Sheldon sniffed as Elizabeth returned to the living room. "Here," he said to her. "You must be tired and constipated after your flight. Let me get you a yogurt while Leonard packs a few things."

"This is ridiculous," snapped Leonard as he got out of his chair. "Sheldon, I'm engaged."

"You keep thinking about that," Sheldon replied.

"Come stay at my place," Penny said as she took Leonard's arm a tad forcefully. "You're making it sound like Sheldon's telling you to sleep outside."

"It's the principle of the thing," sniffed Leonard.

"Well, your principles just got schooled. Now get in there and get some clothes," scowled Penny as she pushed Leonard ahead of her down the hall.

"Penny, it's not like anything's going to happen between Elizabeth and me," Leonard grumped as they entered his room.

"Of course not," Penny replied as she stood at the doorway with her arms crossed in front of her chest. "But it'll give Sheldon some space. And hey, you've been complaining that he's too close to you anyways."

"I guess," said Leonard as he packed a duffle bag. "Just that he sure can pick his times to assert independence."

"YuP," Penny said with an ambiguous smirk.

They returned to the living room to find Elizabeth sitting on the couch eating a yogurt and Sheldon standing by the door. As soon as he spotted them he opened the door and gestured for them to exit. Leonard left with a scowl on his face even as Penny gave Sheldon a wink.

"There," said Sheldon as he closed the door before venturing to his spot on the couch. "So, I've looked over your itinerary for the week. You'll be home for dinner each night?"

"Except for Wednesday. We're having a formal dinner at the university," Elizabeth said as she ate. "You're more than welcome to come as my plus one."

"Wednesday is new comic book night."

"Oh, well that takes precedence."

"Indeed."

"Query, what is Rajesh's relationship status?" Elizabeth asked innocently.

"He's currently dating Emily, a dermatologist."

"Ah." Elizabeth said. "So are all your friends in relationships?"

"Yes," said Sheldon. "I'm the sole single person in the group."

"I thought you were with the neurobiologist?" Elizabeth said, surprised.

"We broke up," Sheldon said matter-of-factly as he took Elizabeth's empty yogurt container and rose.

"Ah. Too bad. Any reason why?"

"Apparently she doesn't respect me," Sheldon said as he rinsed the cup before putting it in the recycling bucket.

"Why not?"

"I'm 'too selfish' and wasn't giving in to her carnal desires," Sheldon said in a dead even tone.

Elizabeth sat back on the couch.

"You mean you never had sex?" she gasped.

"Isn't hand-holding and kissing enough?" sighed Sheldon.

"For starters. They're precursors to something more intimate."

"Oh, I don't know about that. Kissing allows for the intimate contact of one's mouth against another's. Lips that can taste like peach lip gloss or brownies. And the foray into the oral cavity as tongues collide. It's squishy and germy." He looked to Elizabeth. "But when properly executed is absolutely extraordinary."

"That sounds wonderful," Elizabeth said with a slight smirk. "You do have passion in you after all, Sheldon."

"Of course I do. I can go on about the changes George Lucas made to the original Star Wars movies for hours." He checked his watch. "Time for my bowel movement. You can take Leonard's time slot," he said and departed to the washroom.

XXX

"I think I forgot my deodorant," Leonard said as he unpacked his duffle bag on Penny's bed.

"You left a stick here," she replied from the washroom as she was taking off her makeup. "It's on the dresser."

"Ah." Leonard thought for a moment. "But it sure looks like I'm short on underwear."

"Fortunately we have a whole room of washers and dryers downstairs," Penny snorted.

"Yeah, but I'd be using up your soap and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with underwear that smells like lemons and—"

"Then I'll buy you underwear," Penny snapped. "Like Sheldon said, you're out of there until Elizabeth leaves."

"Who's bringing up Elizabeth?" Leonard said excitedly as he put his sleep trunks and t-shirt to the side. "I'm talking about underwear. What would Elizabeth have to do with my underwear?"

Silence in the bathroom until Penny turned on the tap.

"So, staying together for a whole week. That sounds like fun," Leonard said hurriedly as he set his clothes aside and proceeded to change into his pajamas. There was no response save the sound of Penny brushing her teeth. "This'll be nice. No bathroom schedule. I can whistle." He did so. "I can have sex every night."

"Yeah right," Penny garbled and then hocked spit into the sink before cleaning herself up. "Just be thankful you're sleeping with a woman every night." Here she smiled. "Unless you want to make like your research trip and no female contact for a few months."

"Female contact?" Leonard blurted out. "Of course no female contact. I mean, sure, there was occasional touching, y'know, like when I passed the pepper or screwdriver. Screwdriver? Did I just say screw? I mean wrench of course."

Penny came into the bedroom and stripped off her shirt.

"You're having a brain fart again," she said. "I mean, hey, it's not like you had a chance to cheat on me. You were working."

"Work, work, work," Leonard said before moving back the covers so he could get into bed.

"Besides, if I was worried about us I'd definitely follow Bernadette's advice and get the prenup."

"You—you want a prenup?" Leonard gasped.

"I didn't say I wanted one." Penny slipped on her teddy and got into bed. She turned off the light. "At least I don't think I do. Although Bernadette said it never hurts to have a safety net."

"Penny, we're both professionals," said Leonard. "I have my own money. Hey, I bought you your car, remember?"

"Yeah, speaking of that, I sold it."

"You what?" Leonard blinked.

"I didn't need the car. The company gave me one to use so I'm good. I was gonna surprise you with the money."

"But I don't want the money. I gave you the car. The money's yours."

"Nice try. It's yours." Leonard made to speak. "Leonard, I make twice what you do. Trust me I don't need the—"

"Twice?! You make twice what I do?" Leonard stammered.

"It's no big deal," Penny said a she closed her eyes. "Although Bernadette says it is."

"Which is why she suggested the prenup," mumbled Leonard.

"Yup." Penny yawned. "Look, we're getting married and staying married." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and settled herself on her pillow.

"So let me get this straight, you're beautiful and now you make oodles of money."

"Yup yup."

"Great," Leonard said uneasily.

XXX

Sheldon looked up from his online journal as he heard a knock at his bedroom door.

"Enter," he said and Elizabeth came into the room in her bathrobe. "Is everything satisfactory?"

"Everything's fine," she replied as she crossed over to him. "I was just going over the schedule for the symposium when your comments on kissing came to mind and I realized that I had something to say on the subject."

Sheldon's eyes widened as Elizabeth leaned over and kissed him.

"You're right. Kissing is extraordinary." She looked at him impishly before she left the room and closed the door behind her.

xTBBTx

Sheldon spotted Penny at the mail box as he entered the lobby carrying a bag of groceries.

"Hey Sheldon," she said brightly as she came towards him.

"Penny." The two began to ascend the stairs.

"So how are things with Elizabeth? She settling in?"

"Yes," Sheldon said as he thought about last night.

"That's good." Silence. "Um, as a question, what do you think about prenups?" asked Penny hesitantly.

"Well, they're practical documents protecting one's assets should they divorce," said Sheldon. "One would also say prudent."

"So you'd get one?"

"I would. I have a substantial comic book collection I'd want to protect." He glanced at Penny. "Are you contemplating having one for your marriage?"

"I dunno," she sighed. "Bernadette said I should since I make more than Leonard does but he wanted to marry me when I was just a waitress and he didn't mention anything about a prenup." She looked to her friend. "Should I get one?"

"Do you foresee a divorce in your future?"

"Of course not!" Penny replied excitedly. "Leonard and I love each other."

"That doesn't mean you'll always like each other," Sheldon replied seriously as he recalled Amy. "Suppose he cheats on you?"

"Leonard wouldn't cheat," Penny said firmly.

"He cheated on Priya."

"Yeah, but Priya isn't me."

"So you think who Leonard is with determines if he'll cheat?"

"Of course it does," she snapped.

"Interesting."

"What's 'interesting'?" Penny said with a frown.

"It's just that you're putting the onus on Leonard's mate to keep her man instead of admonishing Leonard for the transgression. From a scientific standpoint Leonard has cheated once. That doesn't mean he'll cheat again but it doesn't mean that he most certainly won't, either."

They walked a couple of steps in silence.

"So it's like Schrodinger," Penny said thoughtfully before shaking her head. "Why are we ever bringing up Leonard cheating, anyways?"

"I met Alice—the woman he had an affair with when he was with Priya," said Sheldon. "Leonard never mentioned he had a girlfriend, which hurt Alice immensely when she found out."

They got to their floor and Sheldon went to his door before turning around.

"I'm not saying that Leonard doesn't love you or will cheat on you. He's my best friend. But you're my friend, too, and I won't shirk my responsibilities advising you on what's best for you." Blue eyes met green. "Get the prenup."

As one Penny and Sheldon turned to their doors and entered their respective apartments.

Sheldon heard the sounds of the shower running as he put his keys in the bowl and crossed the living room to the kitchen. While he put the groceries away he thought about his conversation with Penny. If Amy hadn't broken up with him would have he been so adamant for getting the prenup?

"Expect the unexpected," Sheldon said to himself as the bathroom door opened and Elizabeth came into the kitchen wearing her short Asian housecoat and drying her hair with a towel.

"Hi," she said with a smile.

"Hello," Sheldon replied. "How did your conference go?"

"Amazing," she said. "We can talk about it over dinner. Right now I feel too wired to talk."

"Fair enough. Normally this is Thai food night but I'm not sure how you feel about that."

"Let me think about it," she said as she folded her towel and set it on the arm of Leonard's chair. "Hey, how about before we eat we play a game?"

"Well, I have three-dimensional chess," said Sheldon.

"I was thinking more along the lines of role playing."

"Oh! I do like to role play."

"Okay," Elizabeth said slowly. "You can be the superintendent coming for my rent and I don't have any money to give you."

"Yes, that would be rather problematic," mused Sheldon. "From my experience with Penny you will be waiting with your ear to the door for me to pass by."

Elizabeth moved to where Sheldon stood and made a door opening motion.

"Oh dear," she gasped. "It's rent time, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," Sheldon said, recalling his improv training with Penny.

"It's just that they cut my hours at work and so I don't have the money for you right now," she said as she coyly tucked a strand of damp hair behind her ear.

"But you will have it at some point?"

"About three weeks."

"That seems satisfactory," nodded Sheldon. Elizabeth blinked.

"But I'm sure you'd like some sort of deposit to make sure I keep my end of the deal," she said hurriedly.

"You said you didn't have any money," Sheldon said, puzzled.

"I don't." Elizabeth looked at him through her lashes. "Perhaps I can make it up to you in another way."

"I suppose we can amortize the debt over several months and—" Sheldon stopped as Elizabeth opened her robe and let it fall to the floor.

"I was thinking something more immediate," she said playfully.

"But I already have a bathrobe," said Sheldon. "In fact I have several and—"

She stepped into him and pulled him into a kiss.

At first Sheldon was stunned, taking in the smell of his shampoo in her hair, before he responded in kind. As soon as he did so Elizabeth seemed to take it as a 'yes' and went to school on him with nibbles and sucking and this thing she did with her tongue that sent a jolt through his body.

Elizabeth leaned back to take in Sheldon's flushed face.

"There's more where that came from," she said and took his hands.

Sheldon stepped over her housecoat as she led him to Leonard's bed. Again they kissed and again Sheldon felt his excitement grow.

"I don't want you to touch me," he said softly as they broke.

"That's okay," Elizabeth said. "You can touch me." She lay down on the bed and began playing with her left nipple. "Tell me what a bad girl I am," she purred.

"Are we still role playing or do you want an actual—"

"Yes."

"You should have saved at least two month's rent," Sheldon said haltingly as he came to the bed.

"Silly of me," Elizabeth purred as she took his hand and put it on her right breast and began to massage it.

"And you left your damp towel on the chair." Sheldon's thumb began to roam, feeling the arc of her breast before flicking her nipple.

"Inconsiderate, yes," she moaned.

Sheldon moved her hips aside and sat on the bed.

"You left crumbs from your bagel in the butter," he continued, his right hand dragging down her stomach, over her belly button before his fingers spread so they could run down either side of her nether opening. "And you actually considered loop quantum gravity."

"Wrong of me to mention loop representation in gauge theories and quantum gravity." She let out a moan as Sheldon dragged his fingers along her inner thigh. "Oh yes, and Pluto is merely the largest body in the Kuiper belt not a planet and I thought about the speed of gravity possibly being faster than the speed of light and—"

"Blasphemy, woman!" Sheldon hissed. "All of this dribble because you want me to touch you? Is this what you want?" He leaned over and crushed her mouth in a kiss. Her movements were fluid yet deliberate and he tried his best to emulate.

And again that thing with her tongue, making his toes curl and penis jolt.

Sheldon broke the kiss to get a hold of himself.

"Show me that," he gasped even though his face was serious.

"You liked it, huh?" Elizabeth said.

"Do it again and it might keep a roof over your head."

Elizabeth smiled before she obliged.


	17. Chapter 17

Reference to: 'The Colonization Application'; 'The Expedition Approximation'

xTBBTx

"You want a what?!" Leonard gasped as Penny sat across from him at the dinner table.

"A prenup," Penny said again, albeit with a hesitant tone. "I've been thinking that maybe—"

"Maybe what, you'll break up with me at some point?" Leonard said excitedly. "Penny, from the moment I first saw you I knew that I wanted to be with you. That hasn't changed. It won't change."

"So then it won't matter if we have the prenup," Penny replied before taking a sip of wine.

Leonard frowned. "It matters because you're saying you're not completely sure about our marriage."

"Leonard, I'm not sure about a lot of things," sighed Penny. "I mean I love you but we're so different. Suppose you get bored of me or—"

"You find a hunky rich doctor who'll take you around the world on his yacht?"

"That won't happen," Penny growled.

"You know, Howard warned me not to marry someone who wanted a prenup," said Leonard as his finger ran along the rim of his wine glass.

"So you think his marrying Bernadette was a mistake?"

"Of course not. But we're not like them. We're different." Leonard widened his puppy dog eyes. "We're special."

"Besides, you'd never cheat on me, right?"

"Why would I cheat on you?" Leonard gasped. "Why would I cheat?"

"You cheated on Priya," Penny pointed out.

"I didn't sleep with Alice," Leonard explained. "Sure we kissed and made out a bit but I left it before things got heavy. I mean I'm a nice guy so even though I really wanted to have sex with Alice I didn't because that's not what nice guys do," he said with a smile.

"Yeah, they just make out with strange women while their girlfriend's in another country. Gotcha."

"While she slept with her ex-boyfriend. See? I was the adult here. No big deal," Leonard said before taking up his utensils and cutting into his chicken.

"NoPe," Penny said, popping the P.

xTBBTx

"So we're getting a prenup," growled Leonard as he glared into his bowl of soup.

"That kind of takes the romance out of it," replied Raj as he rearranged his food on his lunch tray.

"Tell me about it. I mean it took me eight years to land her."

"That doesn't sound too romantic, either," snorted Raj. Leonard scowled at his friend before taking an aggressive slurp of soup. "Maybe you should relax and look at the marriage from a simpler perspective not an 'I want this' and 'I want that'. Enjoy what you do have and the rest will take care of itself."

"I wish I could," Leonard grumped as he set down his spoon and took up a small packet of crackers. "Penny practically drove me nuts this morning with how long she took in the washroom. She spends an hour in there only to come out looking basically the same. Okay, maybe her complexion is a little smoother but that's it."

"That's what happens when you live without a Roommate Agreement, right Sheldon?" Raj grinned. Silence. "Sheldon?"

"Hmm?" said Sheldon.

"You're off in la-la land. What's with you?" asked Raj before taking a bite of his beefaroni.

"Just thinking about rent," Sheldon said before taking a bite of his own lunch.

"Why?" asked Leonard. "It's mid-month."

"Dude, you better get things sorted out with Penny soon," said Raj. "I mean you're going to be living with her full time at some point."

"Yeah I know," Leonard muttered. "Maybe things would be better if we took the bigger apartment."

"No," Sheldon said quickly and firmly.

"Sheldon, it's not like you can afford it by yourself."

"I'm a junior professor, now, and as such only spend forty four percent of my income after taxes," said Sheldon. "It will mean rearranging my finances but I can manage." He shrugged. "And if not I can always get a roommate."

"That should be easy," Leonard said sarcastically.

"Well I got you."

"Yes, but masochists are rather hard to find," chuckled Raj.

Leonard wrinkled his nose in a sneer before taking another slurp of soup.

XXX

"So do you think I can come over in the morning and shower during my allotted time?" whined Leonard as he and Sheldon came up the stairs to their floor.

"No," Sheldon said firmly.

"But—"

"Leonard, this is a test to see how we do without each other." Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Suck it up, man." He turned the handle and, finding it unlocked, opened the door.

Leonard's jaw dropped as before the two of them stood Elizabeth wearing nothing but a smile.

"Hello Leonard," she said with a friendly wave.

"Hi," he squeaked back.

"I'm a Gorean slave girl waiting for her Master to come home," she explained.

Sheldon stepped inside and closed the door and almost immediately Leonard heard the door as if two bodies had slammed against it.

In a daze, Leonard crossed over to 4B and entered.

Penny looked up from the couch, dreading another round of prenup talk but stopped short as she took in his shocked expression.

"What's up?" she asked, concerned.

"Sheldon and Elizabeth are having sex," Leonard stammered.

"Wait, what?"

"I just saw her naked."

"Naked?" Penny said, eyes narrowing.

"She was standing in the apartment like a slave girl and then Sheldon went in and—what the frak planet am I on?!"

"You made out with her," Penny pointed out.

"Yeah, but this is Sheldon!" Leonard snapped as he threw his hands into the air.

"Well, good for him," Penny said with a smirk. "God knows that sometimes thirty six hours of mind-blowing sex can get someone over a breakup."

Leonard snorted. "So you mean we'll have to break up and get back together in order to get thirty six hours of mind-blowing sex?"

"Let's just start with getting the mind-blowing sex part first," Penny replied.

"Very funny," Leonard said as he went into the bedroom.

"No, not really," Penny sighed.

XXX

Sheldon and Elizabeth were nearly breathless as they continued to kiss leaning against the apartment door. At last they parted and she took in his open, panting mouth and intense stare before doing what came natural and went to her knees. Her hands felt the bulge in his pants, causing Sheldon to grunt.

"Shall I please you?" she asked as she looked skyward at his face.

"I've—always maintained a—cool, passionless disinterest in my body," Sheldon said haltingly as his brain was being assaulted by a flurry of sexualized sensations and impulses.

"Passionless?" Elizabeth said with a smirk. Again she massaged his bulge.

"Well, aside from occasionally serving my needs."

"I'd like to serve your needs."

Sheldon closed his eyes to gather himself.

"Elizabeth, all Amy wanted from me was physical affection. I loved her and yet I couldn't do it." He covered his groin with his hand.

"Things seem to be working right from this end, Sheldon," Elizabeth said. "I think it isn't that you couldn't but that you wouldn't."

"So what makes you think I'd be interested in coital interactions with you?"

Elizabeth got to her feet and put her arms around Sheldon's neck.

"We don't have to be coital," she said with a smile before their lips met and sucked and pulled until she leaned her head back. "But that doesn't mean we can't have fun—while being practical of course."

"Practical?" Sheldon said, his eyes narrowing.

"Let's get Master all cleaned up before dinner," Elizabeth said cheerily as she took his hands and dragged him forward.

"But my shower time isn't—"

"Role playing, Sheldon."

"I assume this doesn't involve a rubber ducky or playing submarine with the soap?" Sheldon murmured as the pair went into the washroom.

"Whatever Master wants"—Sheldon opened his mouth—"so long as he continues the game."

"I have to say, this isn't so much role playing as it is LARPing," said Sheldon as she unlaced his shoes.

"Would you prefer a medieval re-enactment?"

"What I'd prefer is to order from Siam Palace."

"We can eat wherever you want. After your bath." Elizabeth went to unbuckle his pants but he stopped her.

"I don't know if I'm comfortable with this game."

"Then we'll stop," she said instantly.

"Thank you." Sheldon turned and exited the washroom. He felt flushed and anxious and something else as he reached his bedroom door—anger. His hand was on the knob, his grip tight but the door unmoving as he heard the shower start. He imagined Elizabeth entering the tub. Taking his shower gel and coating herself in his scent. Brilliant Elizabeth who kissed in a way that made him feel—

Sheldon returned to the washroom door. He admonished himself for wanting something so baseline. He was Homo Novus. He should wait until Elizabeth finished and then discuss her day while they ate dinner.

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Elizabeth."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Elizabeth."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Elizabeth."

"Come in," she said loudly.

He entered and closed the door behind him.

"What's up?" Elizabeth said as she popped her head out from behind the shower curtain.

"That's how you greet your Master?" he tsked. "Leonard role plays Dungeons and Dragons better than that."

"Forgive me," she replied with a big grin. "Shall I come out to undress you?"

"You'll get everything wet," Sheldon said as he took off his shirts. "I don't feel like spending the rest of the evening sanitizing the bathroom."

As he folded his t-shirts he caught the whiff of his talc. Baby powder as Amy called it.

Suddenly he wanted very much to be cleansed.

"I should inform you that we're about to violate the shower occupancy rule in the Roommate Agreement," he tsked as he stepped out of his pants and underwear.

"Mmm violate. I like it," Elizabeth purred.

"And to think in your real life you're an accomplished astrophysicist," Sheldon snorted as he got into the tub. He stood close to the showerhead and let the water run down his back. His eyes took in Elizabeth's naked body, her pale skin reddened by the warm water that had covered her. Her long strawberry blonde hair fringed her breasts.

"This is real life, too," she said with a little smirk. "Turn around so I can have the pleasure of cleaning you."

Sheldon obliged and waited. He heard the sounds of his shower gel opening and being squeezed but even though he knew what was going to happen next he stiffened as her hands began to lather his back.

"You've got freckles," Elizabeth cooed.

"My father was fair-skinned," Sheldon replied. "You have them as well."

"Maybe we can connect the dots after."

More soap was applied to her hands and she did his shoulders and arms. At first Sheldon felt like a house pet being bathed for an alien overlord but as Elizabeth's massaging came down to his buttocks other thoughts came to mind. Thoughts he'd only had when he was engaged in relieving his sexual tension alone in his room.

"You're quite sturdy," Elizabeth said, her finger sliding between his cheeks as she continued to massage.

"I've been doing my best to exercise," Sheldon gasped. He wasn't sure what to do with his arms so he lay his palms against the shower wall.

"Mmm, muscles pumping, the sweat, gasps of air," purred Elizabeth. "Strain and release."

Her fingers nuzzled his perineum before her hands moved first down one leg and then the other.

"If Master wishes I can clean his front now," she said.

Sheldon turned around and his eyes traced the strands of hair that plastered her cheeks. He moved them behind her ears.

"He would," he said.

Elizabeth took more soap and washed his chest and stomach before her right hand went down to his straining penis.

"Let me release you," she said.

"I don't want your mouth on me," he replied, his eyes taking in every facet of her face.

"I've got other holes to please you," she said. "I'm on birth control, Sheldon, and I'm regularly test—"

Before she knew what was what Sheldon had slammed their bodies against the wall. The kissing was fast and ferocious and Elizabeth felt him enter her. Quickly she hooked her left leg behind his hip to give him better access. Instinctively Sheldon's hand came to support her leg as he thrust. His intensity was fierce and Elizabeth reveled in the feeling of being consumed.

For Sheldon, it was as if two different things were happening at once. His body worked of its own accord kissing and thrusting, grunting and touching. Then there was his eidetic brain that took in every sensation, made note of the angle of thrust that Elizabeth seemed to like. He realized that this wasn't a case of losing control. He was letting loose.

The end came quick and dirty and the pair were exhausted and wet. Once she recovered, Elizabeth took more shower gel and washed Sheldon's privates and legs.

After she was done, Sheldon stepped out of the tub, closing the curtain behind him. He dried himself off with a towel and walked naked to his bedroom. Without saying a word he put on his Tuesday pajamas and housecoat before sitting on his bed.

A few minutes later Elizabeth entered wearing her short housecoat. She took in her friend's contemplative expression.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly.

"I'm confused," Sheldon replied. "This is what Amy wanted and I couldn't do it for her."

"Maybe you weren't attracted to her?"

"She has a scintillating mind," Sheldon said adamantly.

"So do I."

"You do. And yet you make me —"

"Make you?"

"It's irrelevant," he said with a shake of the head.

"Sheldon, it isn't." Elizabeth came in and sat next to him. "Make you what?"

"You're intelligent and a nymphomaniac like she was and yet with you I feel virile. Powerful. Masculine."

"Because you are," she said simply.

"I chase balloons and get stuck in revolving doors. I'm Amy's sexy toddler."

Elizabeth made a face. "She seriously called you that?"

"Well, she was drinking," Sheldon explained.

"That is so totally messed up."

"Says the Gorean slave girl."

"A consenting adult playing with another consenting adult," Elizabeth countered. She took his hand. "You're the man I call a colleague. Who resolved the black hole information paradox. And your loop quantum equations are beautiful."

"Elizabeth, I'm a junior professor starting out as if I'd just finished grad school. I'm thirty four years old and I'm afraid I won't have anything significant to contribute to science."

"Sheldon, only toddlers are afraid. You chose to switch fields because you weren't satisfied with your trajectory for string theory. That takes guts. Confidence." She squeezed his hand and he looked at her. "You've come this far. Don't doubt yourself now."

"That's all I seem to be full of nowadays."

"You are the master of your own destiny, Sheldon Cooper. You've always marched to your own drummer. That's why we get along so well. We're dreamers." They kissed lightly. "Come on, let's get some food into us."

"Normally it's Big Boy night."

"I can whip up a mean omelette."

"That would be satisfactory. Only one thing, who said you could get back into your housecoat?" Sheldon said.

Elizabeth grinned even as she untied her robe.

xTBBTx

Bernadette gave an exasperated sigh as she tidied the couch cushions.

"What?" asked Howard as he did the dishes.

"I found another granola bar wrapper in the couch."

"Sorry."

"Howie, I just wish you'd grow up a little," said Bernadette as she put a couple of Oprah Winfrey Magazines on top of his Superman comic book to hide it on the coffee table. "I'm tired of having to do everything around here."

"Hel-lo. Who's doing the dishes here?" tsked Howard. "Besides, just look at the number of stars on my chore chart. They aren't for nothing, y'know." He glanced at the chart and then did a double take as he realized something was amiss. "Wait, two of my stars are gone!"

"Don't be silly," Bernadette said dismissively.

"No," he said as he dried his hands with the dish towel. "I can see the glue where they were." He rubbed his finger over the spots. "I can feel the glue!" He turned to her. "Why did you take my stars?"

"Because you didn't deserve them," she said simply.

"Why? I did the chore."

"Vacuuming a carpet includes doing the corners. I hadn't checked before giving out the star."

"So whose fault is that?" Howard snapped. "And what about the other one?"

"I found some food stuff left behind in the fry pan," said Bernadette as she cut by Howard to throw out the granola wrapper. "You didn't let it soak long enough."

"That's because you said I left things soaking too long!" Howard said excitedly. "I want my stars back!"

"WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM BACK!" Bernadette roared. "AND DON'T MAKE THIS AN EXCUSE NOT TO FINISH THE DISHES, MISTER!" she barked, halting Howard in his tracks as he was making his way to the bedroom.

Bernadette stood with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face as Howard went back to his dishes.

"I better get a star for this," he grumbled.

"Zip it and work," Bernadette snarled as she went back to cleaning the living room.

xTBBTx

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"Hey you," Penny said with a smile as she opened her door to find Sheldon before her with a pizza box in hand.

"Penny, since you're more than familiar with coitus I was wondering if you had any advice as to how you like to be pleasured."

Immediately Penny grabbed him by the shirts and yanked him into the apartment. She then looked up the hallway before closing her door.

"Geez, Sheldon, you gotta come up with some kind of chit-chat before you drop something like that in the hall!" she gasped.

"My apologies," said Sheldon. "So how do you think your Cornhuskers are going to do this season?"

"Not, now, Sheldon," Penny snorted as she sat on the couch. She cocked her head with an amused expression on her face. "So what brought this on? Is it Elizabeth?" She caught his look of unease. "Are you actually having sex?"

"I won't say that we are not having intercourse," Sheldon said precisely.

"Good for you!" Penny cheered. She patted the cushion next to her and he sat. "So? What do you think? Isn't it terrific?"

"It's disorienting and euphoric and tiring. But good," he said as he read Penny's knowing look. "Although, as Elizabeth's my first partner I don't see how I can judge the quality of our actions."

Penny turned her body to him, tucking her left foot under her right thigh.

"Let's put it this way, what were you thinking of when you were having sex?" she asked.

"It was a tie between quantum gravity equations and"—here he flushed.

"And?"

"My toes curled," he murmured.

"Awesome!" Penny squealed. Sheldon pursed his lips.

"Back to my initial question, have you any advice for me as to how to pleasure a female?" he said crisply.

"Well, everyone's different," said Penny as she thought. "You're better off asking Elizabeth what she likes and go from there. Keep the communication going."

"I see," said Sheldon as he adjusted the pizza box on his lap. "It's been nearly seven years. Do you and Leonard still communicate or do you know each other's preferences by now?"

"Oh, we know a lot about each other"—inwardly she cringed at the thought of his Star Trek uniform sex—"but couples do fall into a rhythm."

"I see," Sheldon said.

"Not that I'm saying that it's boring. Because believe me it's not." Penny gave a slight shrug. "He tries."

"And that's what counts?"

"Yes?"

"Alright. Thank you," Sheldon said as the pair got up and went to the door.

He crossed the hall and knocked at 4A. The door opened and Elizabeth was before him in a slinky teddy.

"Pizza's here!" she grinned. "Come in. I'll get my wallet."

Sheldon stepped in and kicked the door closed with his foot.

W-o-w, Penny silently mouthed before closing her door. She went back to her couch and flopped onto it.

"Good for Sheldon," she murmured. "Pizza boy sex. How absolutely porno."

And absolutely fun.

Penny suddenly recalled a little something one of her boyfriends had bought for her. She darted off the couch to her closet to find it. After a few minutes she dug out the canvas cloth and body paint kit. She read the back of the package before spreading the cloth over the bed and added gobs of paint to it.

The apartment door opened and Leonard entered.

"In here, Leonard," Penny called and he went to the bedroom.

"What's this?" he asked.

"We're adding a little colour to our sex life," Penny said adamantly.

"Gee, now? I'd really like to eat first and"— Penny began to strip—"now it is!"

XXX

Sheldon and Elizabeth sat on the couch in their pajamas and bathrobes, their hair still damp from their post-coital shower, eating pizza he had reheated with a pizza stone.

XXX

Penny and Leonard stared grimly at their missionary position 'sex art' on the canvas.

It had to be the dullest thing Penny had ever seen.

xTBBTx

"Query," said Sheldon after taking a sip of his bottled water at the lunch table. "How did you and Howard know that your women were 'the ones'?"

"Does this have to do with Elizabeth?" asked Leonard, surprised.

"No. She went home yesterday. Although I have been given a standing invitation to 'drop in' whenever I'm in town."

"I'm sure you have, you dog," giggled Raj, garnering a glare.

"Back to my question," Sheldon said crisply.

"You know she's the one from the moment your eyes meet," Leonard cooed. "She says hello and then you say hello and everything is as it should be."

"Like how you asserted that Penny was going to have your smart and beautiful children," mused Sheldon. "Do you feel your engagement came about as a result of true affection or relentless pursuit?"

"Affection, of course."

"Was this before you stole her mail or—"

"It's always been affection!" Leonard snapped.

"Or an episode of Criminal Minds," snorted Raj.

"What about you Howard?" asked Sheldon.

"I don't know," the engineer said slowly. "Bernie was nice enough when we first met, although we really didn't have a lot in common. Still we respected each other despite our differences and the sex was great. So then we got married and overnight she decides that my things aren't good enough and that my hobbies are silly and that she should run the finances because she makes more money than I do and rubs it in by giving me an allowance. So yeah, Sheldon, she might be the one because she's the only one that'll put up with you but that doesn't mean you'll always be happy about it."

Stunned silence.

"Excuse me," Howard said and took up his lunch tray and left.


	18. Chapter 18

Reference to: 'The Comic Book Store Regeneration'

xTBBTx

"Shall we sit here?" asked Tracy as Sheldon looked over the Tea Emporium sitting area.

"Too drafty and the light will shift there in forty five minutes," he said. "We'll sit over here." He marched purposely to a booth and sat. Tracy followed and set her mug down on the table before settling in across from him.

"So what do you think of the Flash so far?" she asked.

"Better than Arrow," Sheldon replied as he stared at his watch. "I'm finding it to be rather drab this season." He picked up his tea bag with the string from his mug and set it on the provided plate. "Two minutes. You might want to take your bag out, too, unless you like substandard tea."

"I like it a little stronger," Tracy said with a bit of a smile.

"Fair enough." He took a sip. "You said that further interactions with me would be awkward because of my association with Leonard. Discuss."

"Well, as you are now aware, I'm very good friends with Alice and she wants nothing to do with Leonard given their history."

"And I'm considered part of Leonard because I'm his roommate."

"That's right."

"So this would only rectify if either Alice relaxed enough to allow me to enter your social circle or else I have to remove Leonard from mine," said Sheldon with a frown. "As I've only just met you it's unfair of you to ask me to choose."

"I realize that."

"So this is goodbye," Sheldon said matter-of-factly.

"This is tea," Tracy countered.

"I've known Leonard for ten years. He's my best friend and roommate." Sheldon's mouth twitched. "He puts up with me."

"Putting up with you isn't a basis for friendship," said Tracy as she took out her tea bag. "You're friends with someone because you genuinely like each other and treat each other with respect. See, that's why I have to side with Alice on this because Leonard was a real douche to her."

"I understand." He took another sip. "It seems I am at a crossroads. Leonard is engaged to be married and will soon move out of the apartment, leaving me alone, and yet it seems that he's not leaving fast enough because I'm losing my newfound friends." He looked at her. "When Leonard leaves will you be my friend again?"

Tracy leaned back in her seat and sighed. Being a speech language pathologist she had a lot of experience with children on the Autism spectrum and their difficulties with finding and maintaining friends. It was the awkward formalness and directness Sheldon had that made her take him under her wing at Comic Con and now, it seemed, beyond.

"I never said I'm not your friend now, Sheldon," she said. "That's why, even though Alice will probably kill me, I want to invite you over for game night tomorrow at Dragan's place."

"What kind of game?" Sheldon asked warily, recalling his experience with Elizabeth.

"Card games. Mystic Warlords of Ka'a mostly but we also play Illuminati."

"That sounds acceptable."

"Only one rule—no Leonard," Tracy warned.

"Agreed," said Sheldon. "I'll need a ride."

"I'll pick you up. Say five thirty?"

"Alright. I live at—" Sheldon hesitated. "Tracy, my mother warned me about how city folk can take advantage of unsuspecting people."

"And you're afraid we'll leave you at the side of the road with no pants?" she asked with a little smile.

"Well, I've already wandered through a train station with no pants and I'd rather not experience something similar."

"I promise you'll keep your pants, Sheldon. Your kidneys too," she said with a straight face. "Come with me if you want to have fun," she added in her best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.

"Hasta la vista, baby," Sheldon agreed.

xTBBTx

As Raj left the elevator and went down the hall to Howard's apartment he thought over his friend's voice when he called about going over to Leonard's place for Talisman. To his mind, Raj had never heard Howard sound so lost as he declined and hung up. Quickly, Raj texted Leonard that they couldn't make it and jumped into his car.

Right now there was only one place he could be.

Raj knocked at the door and waited.

"What are you doing here?" Howard asked, surprised as he opened the door.

"What kind of friend would I be if I didn't check on my buddy when he's down?" Raj chided lightly. Silence. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure."

Raj stepped in and went to the couch. There was a gloom to the place as the only light on was over the kitchen table.

"So," he said as he sat. "Are you going to tell me what's going on or do I have to ask Bernadette?"

"Did Penny talk to you?" growled Howard.

"Why would she?" Immediately Raj bought a clue. "This is about Bernadette, isn't it?"

With a deep sigh Howard flopped onto the couch.

"Everything's a mess, Raj."

"How?"

"I don't know. Bernie's the woman of my dreams and yet I'm not—happy?" Howard clasped his hands and rested them on his knees as he leaned forward. "I'm supposed to be happy and there are times I'm really happy." He shrugged even as he shook his head.

"Let's start at the top," Raj said soothingly. "Did something happen?"

"I don't know if it's one thing." Howard sighed. "When I dated Bernie she was, well, nice. Since we got married she's...not that I'm saying she isn't nice now only that..."

"Howard, just say what you feel."

"All I ever wanted was to meet a nice girl with an overactive sex drive, settle down and have kids. I realize that I had to change in order to land someone but I'm beginning to feel like I've had to give up too much."

"And Bernadette hasn't," Raj confirmed.

"Raj, look at this place," said Howard as he gestured around the living room. "Aside from the 3-D dolls we made and the statue of Gandalf there's nothing in the living room that's mine. This is supposed to be _our_ place and instead it's just that I moved into _her_ place. She wanted me to leave my mother's house but at least at Ma's place I had my own room."

"Maybe you should look at getting a two bedroom apartment?"

"I thought about it but I don't know if Bernie will want to spend the money." Howard looked at his friend grimly. "I mean I've changed but there had to be something of Howard Wolowitz that Bernie liked to begin with, right? I can see some of the things she wouldn't like but it seems that it's everything now."

"Howard, if you're this unhappy I'm sure she won't mind."

"You know what I'm afraid of? We'll make the move and things still won't be good."

"Does Bernadette know you feel this way?" Raj asked softly.

"We don't seem to talk. Like adults at any rate." Howard sighed. "I swear I think I was more competent and independent when I lived with Ma. Here it's Bernadette Knows Best. Only I don't know if this is the best for me."

"So what do you want to do?"

"Think this over."

"You going to your mother's place?"

"No. Ma will have a stroke if she knew Bernadette and I were having problems," snorted Howard.

"You can come stay with me," offered Raj. "Then maybe you should look into some marriage counselling."

"Probably. And thanks for the offer but I really want to be alone right now."

"Sure," said Raj as both men stood and went to the door. "But call me if you need me."

"Thanks," said Howard with a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes.

He closed the door, leaving Raj to walk towards the elevator.

There were a lot of times when Raj wished the best for Howard when it came to women but never did he pray about it.

He prayed now.

XXX

"This is rigged," growled Dragan as he slapped his Mystic Warriors of Ka'a cards on the table.

"How is this rigged?" asked Sheldon as he gathered the cards. "It's my turn to deal."

"Oh, I don't think so," Kim said as she took the cards from his hands. "The last thing we need is you dealing from the bottom."

"Why would I cheat?" Sheldon said indignantly. "You said to play to the best of my ability and I am. It's not my fault I'm vastly superior."

"You forgot humble," Ron chuckled as he munched on some potato chips.

"Well, I do have two doctorates and an eidetic memory for starters," Sheldon sniffed.

"Shut up!" Alice gasped. "You mean you're Sage?!"

"Forget Sage, he's Wesley Crusher!" Tracy laughed.

"I thought you were doing some sort of card counting but couldn't figure out how," said Kim before taking a sip of her beer.

"Your mistake was telling me which decks we were playing," said Sheldon. "From there it was a matter of recalling the card combinations and that, as they say, is that."

"Sonofagun," mumbled Dragan. He stared at Sheldon before getting out of his seat and ventured to the book shelf. "You ever play Pathfinder?"

"I prefer Dungeons and Dragons," said Sheldon.

Dragan took a book off the shelf and brought it to the table.

"Look over this page," he said as he slid the book to Sheldon. The physicist got a brief look before Dragan took the book away. "Okay, What's on page fifty eight?"

"An update to the monk kit I assume. 'In Table three-ten in the Special column, in the seventh level entry, change "Wholeness of body" to "Ki pool (cold iron/silver), wholeness of body".'"

"Page one seventy four."

"'In the Smashing an Object section, in the immunities paragraph, delete the second sentence.'"

"Page thirty six."

"'In the Bardic Performance class feature, in the fifth paragraph, in the first sentence, change "and such performances are language dependent" to "and many such performances are language dependent (as noted in the description)".'"

Dragan slapped the book shut.

"We are so taking you to a casino," he said with a smirk.

"You expect me to sully my talents at a place of vice?" said Sheldon.

"Fine, but we're entering you into every MWOK tournament on the western seaboard," Kim said adamantly.

"It's just a hobby." Sheldon took a curled potato chip, examined and determined its arc before eating it.

"You do realize that people make a living playing tournaments, right?" said Ron.

"Which he isn't doing tonight," said Tracy. "Now, we have to figure out how to make this more challenging."

"We can take random cards from random decks and slap them together," suggested Alice.

"But then some of the sanctioned combinations might not be possible," Sheldon replied.

"It's the 'you not always winning' we want to make possible," said Kim.

"Besides, this'll give you the chance to see how smart you are without the memory schtick," winked Tracy.

"Woman, they haven't generated an intelligence test capable of measuring my intellect," Sheldon said crisply.

"We'll go in teams, too, to add more randomness," said Dragan. "So who's with Julian?"

"'Julian'?" asked Sheldon.

"Forget Wussley Crusher; you're so Dr. Julian Bashir."

"If we're talking about super men I'd much rather go with Khan."

"All in favor of renaming Sheldon Julian say yay or nay," said Kim.

The entire group called 'yay'.

"Well, you'll still feel my wrath at any rate," Sheldon pouted.

xTBBTx

Raj entered the cafeteria, spotted Leonard and Sheldon at the table and dashed to his seat.

"What's the rush?" asked Leonard.

"No time. Howard's coming. Look, things between Howard and Bernadette aren't going so well so just be cool with him, okay?" warned Raj.

"Why should we be brisk? I'd have thought more understanding would be the proper protocol," said Sheldon as he wiped his fingers with a napkin. Raj opened his mouth to say something.

"That's what he meant," said Leonard. "Colloquial slang for understanding."

Sheldon nodded just as Howard came to the table.

"Hey buddy," Raj said enthusiastically. "Look everyone, Howard's here."

"Thanks," Howard replied hesitantly.

"So, how are things going at the lab?" Leonard asked gently.

"Fi-ne." Now Howard knew something was up.

"Howard, did you know that the snorts, grunts and wheezes of the hippopotamus have been measured at one hundred and fifteen decibels—about the same volume as being fifteen feet from the speakers at a rock concert?" asked Sheldon.

"No, I didn't," Howard said as he opened his water. "Uh oh, bogy at ten o'clock," he said as Kripke came around the corner.

The plasma physicist rubbed his hands gleefully as he approached the table.

"Hey Coopah," Kripke gushed. "I have to thank you for intwoducing me to your ex-girwfwiend. She's a smawt cookie."

"What about Amy?" Sheldon growled. Leonard noted the seriousness of the tone. So did Kripke, whose smile widened.

"She weawwy gave me a hand with my stwing theowy calcuwations. Top notch stuff." Sheldon's jaw dropped. "Wooks wike you were wong about ditching stwing theowy so soon, woser."

Kripke wandered off leaving Sheldon to digest what he had heard.

"Why would Amy help Kripke?" he said quietly. "She knows that he's a mortal enemy of mine and he made me—" His jaw stiffened. "Why didn't she help me when I was stuck? Why did she let me wallow in misery thinking my career was over when—" His cheeks reddened. "Has my move to dark matter been a mistake?" Leonard made to speak. "No, it's not a mistake. Not a mistake!" Sheldon pulled out his phone and began to text.

"Wow, what a betrayal," whistled Raj. "Love can be vicious when it goes down the tu—" He suddenly realized that Howard was across from him. "But that doesn't mean it's done for sure." Sheldon looked up.

"Would 'WTF' be appropriate here?" he asked.

"Definitely," the group agreed. Sheldon continued to type:

 _SCooperPHD: Amy, Kripke informs me that you are helping him with his string theory research. WTF?_

"Why do you think she helped Kripke?" Leonard mused. "I didn't know that she knew him."

"She was aware of him," Sheldon grumbled. "Our rivalry was obvious given the amount of times I vented to her about him. She even hugged me when—" Sheldon stopped and glared at his friends. "She knew." His phone buzzed and he checked the text:

Amy: Yes, I was looking over some of your work and came up with some theories of my own that I ran by Barry.

 _'Barry'? I hadn't realized that you were intimate with my academic rival._

Amy: He's a colleague. He's also in string theory. Why shouldn't I consult him?

 _Why didn't you consult me?_

Amy: Because you were busy whining about your work and given the size of your ego there was little likelihood you'd listen to my ideas.

 _I listened to Raj when we collaborated. I even listened to Leonard. That should say something._

Amy: Regardless, Barry made me feel welcome and we genuinely collaborated.

Amy: He says that I really changed the course of his research.

"Bah!" Sheldon growled.

 _To reiterate, he's my rival. Even if I allow for the cockamamie idea that you somehow couldn't approach me—even though you seemed to have no problems approaching me about hand holding and date nights and I wasn't enthusiastic about them..._

 _...You still went to Kripke. You betrayed me._

Amy: So he made you cry because his work was superior. That's not his fault. You're just being petty.

"Petty!?" Sheldon roared, causing the others to jump. "She says I'm being petty! How am I being petty when she teams up with my arch rival to—"

"Bernadette and I are separating for a bit," said Howard as he set down his fork.

Silence.

"I'll need a place to stay," he continued.

"You know my place is always yours," said Raj after he recovered.

"Nonsense," said Sheldon. "Raj, you have a one bedroom apartment. Howard can't spend his time on your couch." He looked to Howard. "You can take Leonard's room."

"What about me?" Leonard squawked.

"You're the logical choice," Sheldon continued as he turned off his phone and set it on the table. "You spend an inordinate amount of nights at Penny's thus leaving your room unoccupied."

"But it's small at Penny's," Leonard whined.

"Now's the time to find out if you two can get along more than carnally."

"Fine, but I'm still going to have access to the apartment."

"Of course, but only during certain hours so as to give Howard privacy."

"Thanks Sheldon," Howard said, surprised at the lanky man's offer.

"As your tertiary friend I could do no less," Sheldon said evenly as he took up a forkful of salad.

xTBBTx

Pathfinder Core Rulebook Errata.

wwwlivesciencecom27339-hipposhtml: Hippo Facts


	19. Chapter 19

Reference to: 'The Comic Book Store Regeneration'; 'The Psychic Vortex'

xTBBTx

Diana1941: I'm sorry about Amy and Kripke. That was a real douchey thing to do.

 _So you don't think I'm overreacting?_

Diana1941: Definitely not. If my ex- had done something like that I'd practically put out a hit on him.

 _Well, an assassin would ensure that their research wouldn't see the light._

 _I'm being sarcastic._

Diana1941: Nice to know. It'd be a shame if we met up at your trial.

 _So you do plan on meeting me at some point?_

Diana1941: Why not?

 _When and where?_

Diana1941: Let me get back to you on that.

 _This isn't an attempt at backing out is it? I've had people say they'd 'be right back' and then never return._

Diana1941: Of course not, Sheldon.

Diana1941: How about Saturday at a cafe?

 _How about The Tea Emporium?_

Diana1941: Shall we say oneish?

 _One o'clock._

Diana1941: One it is.

 _I look forward to meeting you, Martha._

Diana1941: Me too. I just hope I don't disappoint you.

 _If you are who you've been online with me you most certainly will not._

Sheldon's phone rang and he glanced at the caller ID and frowned.

 _Amy's calling. I have to take this._

Diana1941: np. See you Saturday! :)

"Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler," Sheldon growled as he answered the call.

"Hello Sheldon," Amy replied evenly. "I feel we should discuss what has transpired between us."

"I thought you didn't want to talk to me again? I've given you space and in return you've stabbed me in the back."

"Sheldon, I didn't mean for you to find out this way."

Sheldon pished. "So when was I supposed to know? When Kripke published his findings?"

"See, this is why I hesitated telling you. I knew you'd think this was all about you," Amy sniffed.

"You used my research!" Sheldon roared.

"I read your research. And after conversing with Barry I can attest that his work was far superior so don't think that I 'stole your ideas'."

"At the very least you used my ideas as a stepping stone."

"There you go accusing me when you haven't even seen the research. And by the way what you had were suppositions," Amy amended evenly.

"Suppositions?!" Sheldon sputtered.

"We're digressing. The point of my call was to mend our friendship but I can see this task will be difficult given your penchant for not letting things go."

Sheldon's jaw dropped.

"I'm supposed to let this go?" he gasped.

"Sheldon, your inability to release this juvenile inclination to—"

"My whole life people have told me to 'get over it'. That my feelings don't matter," he said coldly. "Well they do matter. _I_ matter." Amy made to speak. "You say that I can't acknowledge when someone's right. Well, Amy, I can see you were absolutely right when you told me that you didn't respect me and I can assure you as of right now the feeling is quite mutual!"

Sheldon hung up just as Howard came down the hall.

"Amy?" the engineer asked as he took in his friend's furious demeanor.

"She called me to discuss her collaboration with Kripke," Sheldon seethed even though he was trying his best to calm down. "She said I should 'get over it'."

"Bitch," Howard spat as he sat down on the couch.

"No, actually, I should thank her," Sheldon said stiffly as he rose from his computer chair. "She did get me over something—her."

"Wish it was that simple for me," Howard sighed.

"Let me get you a warm beverage," said Sheldon as he went to the kitchen.

"Sheldon, it's late and—"

"We're both upset. It's non-optional."

Howard smiled at his friend. Sheldon might be a pain in the ass but sometimes there was something soothing about following protocols.

xTBBTx

Leonard came out of Penny's washroom coughing. He went straight to the end table, took up his inhaler, and used it.

"Bad morning?" Penny called out from the kitchen.

"It's your body wash," Leonard wheezed.

Penny came to the door in her pink housecoat, her hair still damp from her shower.

"It's the same body wash I've always used."

"Can't be. I'd be dead by now."

"Leonard, it's the same." Here she smirked. "You really think Sheldon would let me use a new one without him putting up a fight?"

"You know, I don't like how we keep figuring Sheldon into our lives. He's not in our relationship. We are."

"I guess. Funny but when I first knew you guys I thought you were a package deal," Penny chuckled as she returned to the kitchen.

"I told you that Sheldon and I weren't together," Leonard said crisply as he followed.

"So you didn't like his kiss?" she teased as she poured herself a coffee.

"Of course not!"

"Take it easy, Leonard. He didn't mean anything bad by it." Penny poured the cream in her coffee and put it back into the refrigerator. "Sheldon's just finding himself."

"So that means he kisses everyone in sight and hangs out with Borg goddesses and has sex with Elizabeth?" Leonard growled as he took up the coffee pot but froze before he poured his cup. "Did he kiss you?"

"Oh God, here we go," she sighed as she went to the couch.

"So is that, 'Oh God' like ' what a horrible experience?' or is like 'Oh God, Sheldon's a stud muffin and I can't wait to do it again?'" Leonard pressed as he put the pot back in the machine.

"Well, it definitely didn't suck."

"Didn't suck. Great," he muttered.

"What's your problem? You know that Sheldon and I are just friends," Penny frowned.

"Yeah, like he was friends with Elizabeth and probably Tracy. Give him time and he'll be friendly with Alice and that Martha chick."

"Sounds like someone's jealous," Penny said before taking a sip of coffee.

"I'm not jealous," Leonard said, his cheeks flushing. "Just because Sheldon's with a bunch of beautiful women doesn't mean that I'm jealous." He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "It just means that he better keep his hands off my girl."

"Holy paranoia," Penny chuckled. "Leonard, you're making it sound like Sheldon's coming for—"

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"I swear I did not plan that," Penny said.

Leonard crossed over to the door and opened it.

"Oh," Sheldon said, noting the angry look on Leonard's face but unsure as to its origin. "Good morning Leonard."

"What do you want, Sheldon?" Leonard snapped.

"I was hoping to speak with Penny."

"Speak away." Leonard moved aside but did not excuse himself from the room.

"It's private," Sheldon said as he stepped inside.

"We're all friends here."

"Leonard, you're being a douche," Penny warned.

"Fine. Go at it with my fiancée. I'm going to have a shower." He made for the washroom but stopped. "Oh wait, I forgot, it's mustard gas in there." His eyes narrowed at Sheldon. "Just how you like it, huh?"

Leonard stormed from the apartment and across the hall.

"Whacko," Penny said, rolling her eyes.

"Oh good, so it's not just me who thought that was weird," said Sheldon as he closed the door.

"So what's up, chum?"

"Well, this afternoon I'm meeting Martha, my pixel pal," he said as he sat tentatively on the couch.

"About time," Penny grinned before she sipped. "So you ready for this?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Sheldon asked. "We've been corresponding for ten weeks. I enjoy our conversations. If anything I'm anticipating our meeting." His mouth twitched. "Are you suggesting I should be worried?"

"Of course not," said Penny amiably. "If your dating profile didn't scare her off I doubt you could."

"It's not a date. Martha is a girl, a friend, but not my 'girlfriend'. "

"Don't put the genie in the bottle already," Penny said with a smirk.

"Penny, unlike my other 'blind dates'—and in no way am I saying today's rendezvous is a date—I know a lot about Martha. Her comic book preferences. Her obsession with Highlander."

"So that makes her undateable?" Penny set her mug on her knee. "Sheldon, Sheldon, Sheldon. Honey, we've been friends for eight years and I've never seen you this interested in women before so I—"

"I see where this is going," he said slowly. "You're jealous that I'm meeting other women."

"Eyah-no. Look, you've seen Leonard and me come together, right? From friends to lovers to engaged."

"But unlike Leonard and you I actually have multiple things in common with Martha."

"So that should tell you something," Penny prompted.

"You're insane to marry Leonard?"

"Goodbye, Sheldon," Penny snorted as she took a big gulp of coffee.

"Wait, I haven't asked the favor yet. I need a ride."

"We barter," Penny said. "Let Leonard get ready for work at your place. He's driving me nuts and it's too small in here to hide even his homunculus body."

"Agreed," said Sheldon. He rose and went to the door before turning around. "Although if you wish to be less conspicuous get a plant box at least one point five times Leonard's size and start growing vegetables on your balcony."

Penny grinned at her neighbor as he left.

XXX

Sheldon checked his watch as he sat at the table in the Tea Emporium. It wasn't quite one o'clock but it was perilously close. He frowned. He had Penny drop him off twenty minutes early and if Martha didn't think punctuality was important then he didn't see how their friendship could progress. If he needed chaos he had Penny.

At one o'clock the door to the shop opened and a woman entered and immediately Sheldon's eidetic memory slapped him in the side of the head as he recalled purple plaid, auburn hair and Rock Band. He stood as she approached with a grin on her face.

"Hi Sheldon," she said.

"Hello Martha," he replied. "Shall we get a beverage?"

The pair went to the counter and procured their teas before returning to the table.

"Query," he said as he timed his tea bag. "Why didn't you say we'd already met at the university social? My dating profile had my picture so you knew it was me."

"Because I enjoyed our conversations," she said as she swished her tea bag by the string. "The last time we met in person things didn't go so well."

Sheldon looked up, surprised. "I beg to differ," he said seriously as he took out his tea bag. "I had fun playing Rock Band and discussing comic books and Flatland with you."

"I mean at the end where you made it obvious that you weren't interested in me," Martha said with a bit of a blush. "You know, with Abby and Raj out there making out and whatnot."

"That's not true. I let you sleep in my room. No one is—was—allowed to sleep in there but me."

"I see," Martha said. "So you were interested in me but not 'interested' in me."

"I don't follow."

In spite of the situation Martha smiled warmly.

"Never mind." She took out her tea bag. "I have to say that I was surprised to find you on the dating site. I was sure you'd be a supervillain locked away in his lab plotting world domination." She smirked. "Or at least have a girlfriend."

"Would that I did spend my years with Amy perfecting my sonic death ray instead," Sheldon sighed before sipping his tea. "It was Penny's suggestion that I 'get out there and meet people'."

"And it sounds like things are going well. You've met Tracy and her friends. Expanded your social network."

"I've reacquainted with you."

"Hear hear," Martha said as she toasted her mug before taking a sip.

Sheldon took in her smile as she swallowed her tea. Her hair was a little longer than when he'd last seen her and of course she was older but otherwise this was Martha. The woman who actually used the Humanities to entertain him.

"So, got your advanced tickets for Age of Ultron?" asked Martha.

"No spoilers," Sheldon warned.

"Absolutely," she agreed. "It's been brutal keeping away from them on the forums."

He really hadn't thought of Martha in five and a half years.

"Do you still play Rock Band?" he asked as she sipped her tea.

"Once in a blue moon. Why?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play? Howard's still at the apartment so all we'd have to do is recruit Raj for our fourth."

"Sure," Martha said with a smile. "We could have dinner first."

"I can make chicken. Or steak that tastes like chicken," Sheldon offered.

"I'll bring the wine."

"I don't drink." He thought. "But I do like Strawberry Quick."

"Liquid or powder?"

"Powder. It doesn't mix as well."

"So even your milk is difficult," Martha grinned. "Well, I can't say you aren't consistent."

"Besides hygiene, homeostasis is my strongest attribute," agreed Sheldon.


	20. Chapter 20

Reference to: 'The Communication Deterioration'

xTBBTx

Sheldon came down the hall in his paintball gear. He noted Howard on the couch watching television in his housecoat.

"Where's your gear?" Sheldon chided.

"What gear?" Howard replied without looking away from the television.

"Your paintball attire."

"At Ma's house. Bernie didn't want it at the apartment."

"Very well." Sheldon checked his watch. "Tracy and Alice are going to be here soon. Put on your shoes and let's roll."

"Sheldon, I'm not going with you," Howard said as he turned off the television.

"Well you're most definitely not going to spend the day sulking in my apartment," Sheldon said crisply.

"I just need time to think," sighed Howard.

"No, what you need is some time to have fun. You can think later."

Howard pursed his lips in thought before nodding his head.

"You're right," he said.

He got off the couch and dashed to Leonard's room to put on some clothes. After the time he'd had with Bernie, Howard realized that a morning playing Rambo was just what the doctor ordered—even if the doctor was bat-crap crazy.

Sheldon put his phone in his pocket just as Howard came into the living room.

"I've texted Tracy that we're stopping at your house," Sheldon said as he took up his duffle bag.

"Let's rock," Howard said overenthusiastically.

The pair exited the apartment just as Leonard opened the door to 4B.

"Hey guys," he said as he stepped into the hall and closed the door. "Paintball?"

"Obviously," sniffed Sheldon. "You coming to the apartment?"

"Yes. Hey, can I—" Sheldon and Howard dashed down the stairs.

"Huh," Leonard said, more than a little hurt. He crossed over and entered his apartment. "Well, who plays paintball now anyways?" He went to the coffee maker and got it prepared. "I mean running around being splattered by high velocity paint. Ridiculous."

He turned on the machine and then turned to glare at Sheldon's spot on the couch. Leonard went over and sat in the spot. It didn't feel any different than any other cushion on the couch and yet somehow he knew that it was the best seat in the apartment. Because Sheldon said it was.

It seemed to Leonard that Sheldon had the power to make things so. When they first met Leonard was practically overwhelmed by Sheldon with his Roommate Agreement and overall stubbornness. As time went by, however, Sheldon mellowed. Not by choice. Amy had worn away at him until Sheldon was—what? Less sure of himself? Less capable?

"Sheldon isn't capable. Sheldon's Sheldon," Leonard scoffed.

And yet Sheldon's luck with women over this past year was nearly equal with Leonard's luck over his whole lifetime. Leonard thought about the bar and Sheldon talking with the hot woman in the green dress. There was no way Leonard would have ever approached her. She was out of his league. She was out of all of their leagues.

And yet Sheldon got her name. Made her laugh.

As hard as it was to swallow, Leonard came to the realization that Sheldon Cooper—not Amy's boyfriend or Leonard's best friend—was an alpha personality and could, with effort, get anyone he desired.

Good thing he wasn't interested in Penny.

Right?

With a growl Leonard got off the couch and went to his computer. He turned it on and sat facing a blank screen in the word processor.

All his life Leonard wanted a beautiful woman to love him, fuck him and hey, if the cards were right, marry him and have his babies. When he saw Penny he saw all of that and more. She was his strawberry pop tart. It took seven and a half long years to land her and there was no way this relationship was going to screw up.

Leonard typed, 'Beta Test' at the top of the page and hit return.

He had to make sure that everything was going as it should be. There had been problems since the initial relationship adjustment lists and perhaps this was a good time to issue another one just so Penny wouldn't have a reason to dump his sorry ass.

"Stop that," Leonard muttered. "Penny and I love each other and we're going to get married."

 _When?_ screamed a voice in his head.

Leonard typed, 'You haven't picked a wedding date or discussed any plans'.

He stared at what he'd written.

No, Leonard wasn't Sheldon. This was his one chance to get it all. He wouldn't let anyone screw this up. Not Sheldon, not Penny, not himself.

He continued to write.

XXX

"There they are," Tracy said as she, Sheldon, Howard and Alice made their way to the official meeting spot.

"Hey," said Dragan. "'Bout time you got here."

"Had to make a pit stop to suit up Howard. We've got another body."

"Ex-cellent," said a guy with a blonde brush cut standing next to Ron. He looked to Sheldon. "So is this Julian?"

"Khan," Sheldon said stiffly.

"'Julian'?" Howard said with a smirk.

"Don't listen to Dragan," Kim said to Jay. "His name's Sheldon."

"Anyways, let's get down to business," said Ron. "Since you're late we'll have less time to coordinate our attack."

"Normally we devise a defensive plan," said Sheldon. "We often rendezvous at the paint shack—"

"Defensive," snorted Dragan. He held up his paint ball rifle with one hand. "Predators never retreat."

"I'd like to mention that Predators were also killed in a horrendous fashion," Sheldon retorted.

"But what a glorious way to go!" Kim chuckled.

Sheldon looked incredulously at the people around him.

"You mean this is going to be one massive suicide mission?" he gasped. "No leadership? No battle plans?"

"Of course there is," said Alice as she put paint pellets into her pistol. "Kill them all."

"This'll be different," said Howard. "Normally we're out of here and at Dennys before ten thirty."

"We play until it gets late and then it's off to Dragan's for a barbecue," said Ron.

"Look sharp, people, we're up," said Alice as she saw the observer pointing at them.

"You take Julian. I have a feeling that at the heart of this tiny man is a warrior," said Dragan with a wink towards Howard.

"'lwllj jachjaj!" Howard shouted.

"You speak Klingon, too?" grinned Kim. "You guys are the coolest!"

"Recognize," the engineer smirked.

XXX

"This is nice," said Leonard as he swallowed a bite of his grilled cheese. "You and me. Having lunch. Just the two of us. Together."

"We've had Sunday lunch together for months," said Penny as she chewed her sandwich.

"And that kind of regularity is what couples have." His grin was rather overenthusiastic. "And we're a couple!"

"Yay us," Penny mumbled before taking a sip of water. "So what's with the pep talk, coach?"

"No reason," Leonard said quickly. "I guess with Sheldon out dating and whatnot it got me thinking about us." Penny rolled her eyes but Leonard didn't notice.

"This isn't going to be one of those moments where you ruin it by saying something stupid, is it?" she asked.

"Not at all," Leonard said indignantly. "In fact I don't have to say anything about our relationship."

"Good."

He reached into his sweatshirt pocket, pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Penny.

Penny took the paper, all the while looking at Leonard's smug expression. She opened it up and read 'Beta Test' at the top.

"What the hell is this?" she gasped.

"Now don't get upset," Leonard soothed. "Not that I'm saying you aren't perfect for me—because you are—only that there are some things we have to work out so we don't run into problems."

"You mean like handing each other lists?" Penny growled.

"Penny, I'm serious. Look, I don't want to screw this up. When we go down that aisle I want it to be a whole new start." He smiled nervously. "I'm sure there are things about me you'd like to have fixed before we get married and live together and have kids."

"I see," Penny said crisply. "Well then, I can see I need to work on my beta list for you."

"That's fair," Leonard said amiably.

"Alone."

"Also fair," he said as he took a bite of his sandwich. He looked up and saw the scowl on Penny's face. "You know, I think I'll finish this up at home," he said as he took his plate and stood.

"Good idea."

After Leonard left Penny's attention returned to the list.

"Sonofabitch," she snarled.

XXX

"Is it on medium-high heat?" Sheldon asked as Dragan worked the barbecue in his backyard.

"Yes," Dragan growled as he picked up the salt shaker.

"You should wait until just before cooking to season the steak as salt draws out the juices from the meat, making it tough."

"I know."

"So by your act I'm to take it that the barbecue's ready?"

"You should." Dragan salted and peppered the steaks before putting them on the grill. He then lowered the lid, took up his craft beer and took several large gulps.

"Remember to only turn the steak once so as to keep the juices in."

"Julian, do you want to do the cooking?"

"But I'm your guest. Surely the hosting protocol says that the part of cooking falls on you," said Sheldon. Dragan snorted.

"And let me guess, you're here to supervise."

"Of course not. It's your show." Sheldon looked at the barbecue. "You are noting the grill time, right?"

"Beer!" Dragan shouted out as he held up his bottle.

Tracy went to the cooler and dug out a bottle of beer and a lime pop.

From over at the bamboo that grew at the back of the garage Howard watched the scene unfold. Sheldon driving people crazy. It was like the good old times when it was just the guys. Only there were girls here. And children. Ron's three boys and Jay's daughter were further down in the yard playing with Nerf swords and guns.

"Antisocial or are you Bat-Man?" said a woman in a red sundress and brunette ponytail as she came to Howard with a wine cooler in hand. He smiled. "Sorry I didn't get to see you earlier but I was slaving away in the kitchen. I'm Yoshi, Ron's wife."

"I'm Howard," he said in a growly Bat-Man voice.

"You know they're all crazy but they don't bite," she said amiably as she indicated the gang sitting on the patio. "Well, I'm not sure about Dragan but he's got beer and steak so he should be okay."

"Unless Sheldon sends him over the edge," snorted Howard.

"Sheldon's okay once you get used to him." Yoshi chuckled. "Actually I find him no different than the rest of you guys—yadda yadda yadda Star Trek yadda yadda yadda paint ball."

"Not a fan?"

"Give me Castle and a night out dancing anytime."

Howard took a sip of his beer.

"So how did you end up marrying Ron aka Klingon Captain Krang?" he asked.

"We met through my brother as they were both taking accountancy at college. Ron was super friendly and funny." Yoshi smirked. "He wore too many t-shirts with space ships on them but after a while I couldn't see him without them." She looked at Ron, who was sitting in a lawn chair talking with Jay. "He's my dork but he's also the father of my children and a wonderful husband."

"My wife thinks that paintball and role playing games are stupid," said Howard.

"I worry that Ron's going to have a heart attack or lose an eye playing paintball," said Yoshi. "As for the role playing, when Dragan and his wife were having problems the gang came to our place to play in the dining room. Two minutes of hearing them talk about gold pieces and half dragon pixies or whatever and I was out of there."

"I didn't know Dragan was married."

"He was. Darlene left him a year and a half ago," said Yoshi. She shrugged. "I guess they loved each other but they never really saw eye to eye on things. Like, they both want a cake—a house, kids, marriage—but they couldn't agree on the ingredients, you know?"

"Bernadette and I are having problems," Howard said quietly. "We've taken some space because we're driving each other crazy. Bernadette doesn't like my hobbies and I can't seem to do anything right."

"Didn't she know she was marrying a nerd?"

"I hope so. Our marriage was rushed up so I could make the rocket to the International Space Station."

"You went to space?" Yoshi gasped.

"Payload Specialist Howard J. Wolowitz at your service," he said with a smile and a salute.

"Wow. It's amazing Ron didn't talk my ear off about you."

"No one here knows but Sheldon. I talked too much about being an astronaut and it turned people off."

"That doesn't mean you don't say anything at all. I mean, holy crap, you got to do what everyone here would give their eye teeth to do."

"It was the most incredible thing I'd ever done in my life," Howard agreed.

They stood together in silence.

"You know what Ron said to me when he asked me out?" Yoshi said. Howard turned to her. "'I'm employed. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. But I role play and dress like a Klingon. And if you have a problem with that, there's the door'."

"Seriously?" Howard chuckled. "Gaming before women?"

"Dead serious," said Yoshi.

"He's either the bravest or stupidest man I've ever met."

"No. He's the most honest."

Dragan banged the side of the barbecue with his tongs.

"Julian said to come get your steaks now or in eighteen seconds they'll be inedible," he said in mock seriousness.

"I did not say they'd be inedible," sniffed Sheldon. "I said they'd hardly be worth eating. And it was two minutes not eighteen seconds."

"Okay troops, time to wash hands," Yoshi called out to the kids as Howard and she made their way over to the patio.

"Hey, did you guys know Howard's an astronaut?" Yoshi said aloud.

"Really?" gasped Kim.

"Howard was a payload specialist on the International Space Station," Sheldon confirmed.

"Space—the final frontier," Jay said in a gappy William Shatner voice. "These are the voyages of payload specialist Howard. His mission, to seek out new worlds and—" He looked to Howard.

"-install a telescope," Howard grinned.

"-install a telescope. To boldly go where no man has gone before."

Ron stood and raised his root beer bottle.

"Epetai-zana, Howard," he growled. "Kai Kassai!"

"Kai Kassai!" everyone cheered.

"ReH tlhlnganpu' taHjaj!" Howard toasted back.

XXX

Sheldon and Howard came up the stairs, tired but happy.

Penny popped her head out of her apartment to see who it was.

"Just a sec," she said to the pair and disappeared for but a moment. "Could you give this to Leonard?" She held out a piece of paper.

"Sure," said Howard as he took it. His eyes glossed over the contents before looking to Penny who closed her door. Howard let out a low whistle as he went over to Sheldon as the latter unlocked the door.

"No whistling!" Sheldon growled.

They entered the apartment to find Leonard sulking in his chair listlessly watching television.

"This is for you," said Howard and put the paper on the coffee table even as Sheldon went to the front closet to deposit his paintball gear.

Leonard took up the paper and began to read. His eyebrows shot up in surprise a couple of times and after a bit fell into a frown and then scowl.

"I have a special laundry bag for the paintball clothes," said Sheldon to Howard. "I'll strip and then hand it to you."

"This is ridiculous!" Leonard spat, cutting off Howard's reply. "How are Penny and I supposed to take our relationship seriously when she can't even take this seriously?!" He sat at the edge of his seat. "'You need to lose some weight. I can't carry you to the water anymore at the beach.'"

"Well, you have put on a few pounds," said Howard.

"Not that much," Leonard said defensively.

"When's the last time you wore your corduroy suit?" asked Sheldon as he unlaced his boots.

"Penny said not to wear it."

"Did she also say not to wear your enviro-tree shirt or your—"

"Maybe I don't like them anymore."

"So why do you still have them in your closet?"

"Because I'm sentimental," Leonard said dismissively. He continued to read. "'Get over the fact that I make more money than you.' When did I make a big deal about this?"

"All the time," said Sheldon and Howard at once.

"October twenty first two thousand and fourteen while watching the Flash," said Sheldon. "October twenty third at breakfast. October—"

"Okay, maybe it bothers me a little bit," huffed Leonard. "But she shouldn't have kept it a secret from me."

"Leonard, there's a difference between not talking about something deemed irrelevant and keeping a secret," said Sheldon. "For instance, I can't keep a secret and as we know I don't discuss your work."

"You're not helping," snapped Leonard. "'You need to quit whining about me being successful and just be happy that I'm happy'," he read aloud. "When am I—"

"All the time," Howard and Sheldon said.

"Some friends you are," growled Leonard. "You're supposed to back me up."

"But Penny's also my friend so shouldn't she get the same consideration?" asked Sheldon as he took his boots and headed for the hall.

"I knew you longer. Besides, the bro's code, remember?"

Sheldon stopped and turned to Leonard, a frown on his face.

"Penny is not a prostitute," Sheldon said icily. "She's my friend and your fiancée. Remember that."

Leonard leapt out of his chair and stormed down the hall.

"I'm taking my room back," he growled and slammed his door shut behind him.

"Your belongings are in there," said Sheldon to Howard.

"Give him a bit and I'll go get them," Howard replied. He hesitated a moment. "If it's okay with you I'd like to stay on the couch tonight. I'll go home tomorrow."

"Take as much time as you need," said Sheldon. He ventured further down the hall before turning back. "Oh, you and Raj are invited over next Saturday for Rock Band. You can meet my friend, Martha."

"Sounds good," said Howard. "Hey Sheldon? Thanks for today. It was fun."

"Howard, I realize that I'm not the best at empathy."

"But?"

"But what?" asked Sheldon. "First dibs on the shower," he said as he went into the washroom.

Howard shook his head even as he smirked.

xTBBTx

wwwomniglotcom/language/phrases/klingonphp: 'IwlIj jachjaj ("May your blood scream!")

epetai-zana—honored and exalted one

kai kassai—'long live'

reH tlhlnganpu' taHjaj!—Klingons forever!


	21. Chapter 21

"So anyways, the doctor said she didn't get to use the axiogermasporin because when she went to administer it to her patient he was already dead," said Penny with her mouth full of Chinese food. "Boy was she upset."

"Probably not as upset as the patient's next of kin," said Howard.

"Sheldon, can you pass me the light soy sauce?" asked Leonard. Sheldon slid it across the coffee table. Leonard took it up and applied it to his noodles. "Because I use light soy, y'know, because I'm 'putting on weight'."

"Smart cookie," said Penny.

"Smart fortune cookie," snorted Howard.

"You know, because you're a professional now," Leonard continued. "I can't afford to be a fat husband."

Penny set her food container on her lap.

"I meant I don't want you pudgy for your health, Leonard. It's not like you do any physical exercise." She picked up her container and continued to eat. "Although it's nice to hear you call me a professional since my work outfits 'are too sexy to be taken seriously'."

"Your blouses don't have to be so low-cut," scowled Leonard. "I bet it makes it hard for doctors to concentrate. And no, I'm not saying that because I have 'trust issues'."

"Of course not," Penny growled back as she leaned towards Leonard. "I mean it's not your fault that I'm 'too friendly with guys'. Hell, I might as well steer clear of you," she said as she indicated Howard and Sheldon with her chop sticks. "After all, I'm 'a little too close to Sheldon' so who knows what could happen besides, oh, I don't know, nothing?!"

"He kissed you!" Leonard snapped.

"He kissed you, too, dumbass!" Penny shouted back.

"That's different!"

"How's that different? Because I'm a girl?"

"Because if you hadn't wanted it you wouldn't have done it."

Silence.

"Let's get two things clear," Penny said coldly as she got out of her seat. "One, I am not interested in Sheldon. And two"—she pointed her chop sticks directly at Leonard's face—"I am not a cheater so quit trying to guilt me into feeling bad." She marched to the door before turning around. "Here's another one for your list. You're an insecure douchebag."

Howard set his Chinese food on the table and went to the door.

"Where are you going?" asked Sheldon.

"If I want hostility I might as well go home," Howard shrugged. "Thanks again, Sheldon. I'll pick up my stuff here tomorrow."

After Penny and Howard exited Sheldon resumed eating, oblivious to Leonard's glare.

"This is all your fault," Leonard hissed.

"Mine?" Sheldon replied, surprised.

"If you'd just traded apartments with us that would smooth out so many things," Leonard said as he put his food packet on the coffee table. "Penny and I are too crowded and we're driving each other crazy."

"Huh," mused Sheldon. "So you're saying that the status of your relationship is dependent on where you live as opposed to how you conduct yourselves?"

"Of course not. But it would ease some tensions."

"What about my tensions? I've lived here for twelve years. You can't just expect me to move willy-nilly."

"Well this is my apartment too," Leonard sniffed.

"I'm the primary on the lease," Sheldon said matter-of-factly.

"Sheldon, be reasonable."

"I'm not giving up my apartment, Leonard."

"Fine," Leonard said slowly. "Then I guess I should start moving out some of my stuff."

"Maybe you should," Sheldon said as he toyed with a piece of chicken in his food packet.

"Like my couch," Leonard said with a smirk.

Sheldon twitched even as his stomach fell.

"I'll buy it from you," he said quickly.

"No. I'm rather attached to the couch," Leonard said lightly.

"But there's no room for it in Penny's apartment." Sheldon tossed his chop sticks in his container like a harpoon.

"Maybe I'll put it in storage."

"But mice get in there!" Sheldon gasped.

"Look, I'll make you a deal. I'll sell you the couch if we switch apartments."

Sheldon glared at his roommate.

"Penny's right. You are a douchebag." Sheldon slammed his food packet on the table, got up, and stormed down the hall.

Leonard leaned back in his chair.

"I can't buy a break," he sighed.

xTBBTx

Raj waited until Howard was settled at the lunch table before broaching the subject.

"So how are things with Bernadette?" he asked gently.

"We're giving it a second try," Howard replied. "Only this time there's going to be mutual respect."

"So the lightsabers are going above your bed?"

"I'm working on that," Howard said with a bit of a blush. "It's difficult since this was Bernie's place first but I'm determined to stand up for me."

"You got it," Leonard snapped. He leaned back in his chair and dropped his fork disgustedly on his tray.

"Trouble in Lenny land?" asked Raj before taking a sip of lemonade.

"Lenny land isn't the problem. It's the drive through Bat-Crap Crazyville to get there that's brutal."

"What's Sheldon done now?" asked Howard albeit with a slight frown.

Leonard sighed. "Penny and I need a bigger place to live or our relationship is going to go down the tubes. Sheldon's on his own in the bigger apartment. Logic dictates that we should switch apartments. So is he being logical? No, he's being a big baby saying 'it's my apartment' and 'you know I don't like change'. He's totally thinking about himself and doesn't give a damn about other peoples' feelings."

"You're right, he's being selfish given that the apartment _is_ his apartment," said Howard. Leonard looked up at Howard in surprise.

"So why don't Penny and you move to another apartment?" asked Raj. "It'd get you away from Sheldon."

"The rent's reasonable here," said Leonard as he took up his fork.

"But Penny's job should more than cover a higher rent."

"For now." Leonard took a bite of his veggie loaf. "But what about when we decide to start a family?"

"What about it?" asked Raj between forkfuls of macaroni.

"Well, she'll be on maternity leave or maybe she'll have to quit so she can take care of the kids."

"Bernie looked into that," said Howard. "The company has a generous maternity leave package."

"That's if Penny still has her job," said Leonard.

"Why wouldn't she?" asked Raj. Now he had the beginnings of a frown. Leonard again set his fork aside.

"Look, not that I'm saying that Penny's bad at stuff, it's just that there's a lot to study in being a pharmaceutical rep and she's not exactly the best at academics," he said.

"So, basically you're waiting for her to screw up," Raj said crisply.

"Of course not!" Leonard gasped. "Although it's smart to have contingency plans in case something goes wrong."

"Okay, so what's the contingency in case you lose your job?" asked Howard.

"Pfft. Like I'd lose my job," snorted Leonard. He looked over and saw Sheldon come around the corner with his lunch tray.

"Gentlemen," said Sheldon as he sat. "Dr. Hofstadter."

"What time do you want us over on Saturday?" asked Howard.

"Seven forty five. That'll give us fifteen minutes to get settled before we unleash ourselves."

"Sounds fun," Raj grinned as he rubbed his hands.

Leonard agreed. "Hey, maybe Penny and I could come over later and we could all—"

"No," Sheldon said firmly.

"Sheldon, I still live there."

"And when you had a date you expected privacy and I spent evenings in the stairwell," sniffed Sheldon as he wiped his hands with a napkin.

"You have a date?"

"A dinner date with Martha, after which Raj and Howard are coming over to play Rock Band."

"You mean you finally met your pixel pal?"

"Yes. Penny drove me."

"Martha," mused Raj. "Is Martha Abby's friend?"

"The very same," said Sheldon.

"Wait, Penny's driving you on your dates?" growled Leonard.

"That's terrific," Raj smiled. He looked to Howard. "She's totally into comic books." His smile widened. "And from what I remember, Sheldon, too."

"Why wouldn't she be interested? I'm interesting," sniffed Sheldon.

"And clueless."

"Let's back up here," said Leonard slowly. "So Penny's involved in your love life?"

Howard rolled his eyes. "Leonard, chill."

"You're right, you're right." Leonard picked up his fork and began to stir his macaroni. "Besides, it's good to have a get together before things change around the apartment." Sheldon glared at Leonard but said nothing.

"Ooo, you're redecorating?" asked Raj. "I've got some decor magazines you might want to look at."

"We're not changing a lot of things," said Leonard as he scowled back at Sheldon. "Just one thing."

"Leonard's taking the couch," Sheldon said stiffly.

"But that's Sheldon's spot!" Raj said, jaw dropped.

"No it's not," Leonard spat. "It's a couch that happens to be in Sheldon's spot. You remember he sat in a lawn chair before we brought in the couch."

"O-kay," Howard said. "So if you're staying at Penny's, how is the couch going to fit?"

"I was thinking of storing it for a while."

"But that costs money. Wouldn't it make more sense leaving it in the apartment?"

Leonard looked pointedly at Sheldon.

"I think it would look lovely in Penny's place don't you, Sheldon?"

"Leonard, for the last time I'm not moving," Sheldon growled.

"You'd be right across the hall," Leonard whined.

"This conversation is over."

Sheldon took up his food tray and left the table.

"You sneaky bastard," Howard said disgustedly. "You're using Sheldon's crazy to force him out."

"I'm doing what's best for Penny and me," Leonard countered.

"No, you're doing your best to be a sucky friend," scowled Raj.

They all began to eat in silence.

"It's for Penny and me," Leonard mumbled.

xTBBTx

axiogermasporin—I made the drug up.


	22. Chapter 22

Reference to: 'The Intimacy Acceleration'

xTBBTx

"It's actually quite exciting right now," said Sheldon as he sat in his spot eating dinner. "With the detection of y-ray 'noise' it's suggesting that dark matter particles are much heavier than previously thought, although not so heavy that the Large Hadron Collider can't find them."

"Looks like you jumped into the field at the right time," said Martha as she took a sip of cranberry juice.

"Especially since these findings will be problematic for supersymmetry."

"You know, with so much of this still up in the air it makes me wonder if the philosophical community can help in drawing out a metaphysical reality to render a clearer vision of dark matter," mused Martha.

"Poppycock," Sheldon pished. "Metaphysically, there isn't anything to say because there is an epistemological barrier. When we speak of 'dark matter' we mean that there is matter that we don't know much about, not that we're pondering their existence."

"I get this from a former string theorist?" scoffed Martha. "You can't make the necessary leaps needed to produce a cosmological or unified theory without swimming in metaphysical waters."

"Point," Sheldon said with pursed lips. "So you're suggesting that we seek out complementary explanations of the universe through metaphysical leaps and mathematical theories." He leaned back in his seat and smirked. "Why Martha, are you trying to seduce me with the Humanities?"

"Would I do a thing like that?" she grinned as she cut a piece of her chicken-fried steak. "Now remember, you can't poke fun at the mote in my eye because you already have a metaphysical beam stuck in your own."

Sheldon paused and then let out a gaspy laugh.

XXX

At the knock at the door Howard kissed Bernadette on the cheek before popping off the couch.

"Hey," he said as he opened the door to Raj, who waved in response. "Okay Bernie I'm off."

"That's nice," she said without turning from the television. "Have a good time."

Howard closed his eyes, a mental _Damn_ went through his head.

"You're okay with all this, right?" he asked. "We talked about it and—"

"Of course I'm fine with it," Bernadette said sweetly. "I've got things to do here so off you go!"

"Okay," Howard said, relieved. "Be back later."

As soon as Howard and Raj left Bernadette turned off the television.

"He can go off playing his stupid video games," she tsked. "That leaves me time to do what I want to do."

She thought.

"Penny's with Leonard so that rules her out. And Amy's working late at the lab this weekend."

She thought some more.

"Something fun," she murmured. "Something I like to do..."

Bernadette got off the couch and began to wander around the apartment. Her vases that she got at Pier One Import were offset by 3D printed dolls of Howard and her and a rather large statue of Gandalf the Grey. Past the magazine folders and fake flowers, she came to the dining table with its woven Pottery Barn placemats. Beside it, on the window ledge, was a model of the space shuttle. She then looked to the side desk where on the right was a photo of Howard in his NASA flight suit and on the left side was their wedding photo. She took up the wedding photo and held it to her chest.

Now frowning, Bernadette made more of a concerted effort to find something that said 'Bernadette' but all she could find in the bedroom were baskets and flower-covered organizer boxes that were next to Vespa motorcycle jackets, brightly coloured sneakers and boxes of magic tricks.

She returned to the living room and sat primly on the couch. Bernadette noted the magazines on the coffee table but they suddenly seemed too generic, like a product placement at IKEA. In fact the entire apartment looked like it came out of a catalogue or was a stage set. Except for Howard's things. They were out of place. They were childish and out of synch with the decor.

They had personality.

They said, 'hi, I'm Howard Wolowitz and these are some of my interests'.

"So what am I interested in?" Bernadette mumbled. She thought about working at the Cheesecake Factory and then grad school and then her current job. But what hobbies did she have? She stared at the wedding photo.

She married Howard. That's the only thing she did that stood out from her practically witness protection life. He was interesting. Marrying him was the only thing interesting about her.

Bernadette's belongings said she was generic.

Howard's said he was a dreamer.

His childishness pissed her off but at the same time it made her fearful.

What if, instead of growing up, Howard actually woke up?

XXX

"You know, when you think about all the characters in a comic book, they're actually all super beings," mused Martha as she sat in Leonard's chair. "I mean Lois Lane had to be made of super stuff for Superman not to have cut her into pieces when he caught her falling off the Daily Planet building."

"That was a movie," Sheldon replied as he busied himself setting up the Rock Band drum set. "In The Amazing Spider-Man one twenty one, Gwen Stacy's neck is broken as a result of the conservation of momentum when Spider-Man catches her mid-fall with his web."

"But superheroes catch people all the time and for the most part the people are unscathed. No dislocated shoulders. No spinal cord issues."

"Well, in the Marvel universe there is a case to be made for mutation given the extreme forms we see with the X-Men and whatnot." Sheldon stood and went behind Leonard's chair to where the guitar boxes were placed. "After all, the Sentinels picked out humans as also having mutations."

Martha cracked a smile. "You do realize with your eidetic memory you're a mutant."

"Indeed I do," Sheldon sniffed. "Although I am more humble than Magneto when he calls himself 'homo superior'."

"Oh? And just what are you?"

"Homo novus." Sheldon leaned his guitar against the couch even as he looked up to stare at a chuckling Martha. "You doubt me?"

"Never ever, Superman," she winked just as first a knock and then the door opened.

"What's up, my bo-shizzles," said Howard as he came in followed by Raj.

"And here we are with the other end of the spectrum—the engineer," sighed Sheldon.

"Hi Martha," Raj said amiably. "Very nice to make your acquaintance again."

"Thanks Raj," she smiled.

"I'm Howard J. Wolowitz aka the Drum Lord," said Howard. "My beat's fast but so is my—"

"We get it, Howard," Sheldon said with a frown. "You like fondling your penis."

"I was going to say my heart arrhythmia," Howard amended.

"See what you missed?" Raj said to Martha. "You're here for an evening and you've had men cook you dinner, offer you their penis and heart and serenade you with music."

"Martha is my friend, not yours," Sheldon said stiffly. "If you feel the sudden urge to copulate might I suggest a phone call to Emily?"

"But I don't want to copulate," replied Raj who then put an imaginary microphone to his mouth and thrust his arm in the air. "I want to rock!"

"Rock!" Martha and Howard echoed as they went to their instruments.

"Just remember we've got a noise ordinance in the building," warned Sheldon as he slung his guitar strap over his head.

Howard let loose with a drum solo which suddenly dropped in volume.

"You said 'rock' not 'deafen'," Sheldon said as he set the remote on the coffee table.

XXX

"Boy they're loud," scowled Leonard as he sat on Penny's couch in a huff.

"I'm used to you and Sheldon yelling at each other," replied Penny distractedly as she sat curled up at the other end reading an In Touch Magazine. "At least this has a beat."

"I don't see why we can't just go over."

"Because we supposedly have our own lives." She turned a page. "When we get married we won't always be over at Sheldon's place."

"But it's bigger."

"So then we'll look for a bigger place."

"You mean you want to move?"

"That or we get a flower box," Penny said drolly.

"Flower box?" asked Leonard.

"Never mind." She looked up to see the big pouty look on Leonard's face. "Look, don't worry about this. So they're playing video games. Let's make our own fun."

"Okay." Leonard began to massage her foot.

"Leonard, it's only eight o'clock."

"Okay. Sorry." He paused. "What to do what to do." He glanced around the apartment. "We could..." He plucked the side of his mouth with his tongue. "We could watch a movie."

"What movie?" Penny narrowed her eyes as she read. "And by that I mean no superheroes, magic, or space ships."

"How about I, Robot?" Penny lowered her magazine to give him a 'yeah right' look. "Hey, there's no magic or superhe—"

"I think I liked it better when you were just silently pouting." She resumed reading.

"I wasn't pouting." A guitar solo whooped up followed by cheering. He glared at the door.

xTBBTx

Penny rounded the corner and was glad to see 2311 Los Robles Avenue. She hadn't been as faithful to jogging as she used to so this little foray had been a real ordeal. Thank goodness for that bakery and its heavenly bear claw or else she doubted she'd have the strength to make it home.

"Huh, someone's moving," she said as she noted the 'Two Men and a Truck' medium sized cube van parked outside the entrance.

Penny took out her key to unlock the door and entered the lobby. Immediately she felt cooler as she was out of the sun. She'd consider moving to an indoor track only if they had a fresh bakery along route. She ascended the stairs, thoughts of a nice shower in mind, when she heard Sheldon shouting.

"You can't have it! ... I don't care! It's staying!"

Penny raced up the final flights of stairs to her floor.

"Sheldon, it's mine and I can do what I want with it!" Leonard's voice.

"You can't take my spot!" yelled Sheldon.

Penny turned the handle at 4A but there was something or someone blocking the door so she couldn't enter.

"Let me in!" she said loudly.

A pause and then the pressure against the door vanished and she opened it to find Sheldon with his back to her, his arms and legs wide as if to block the two burly guys from carrying the couch out the door.

"What the hell's going on here?" she asked, her gaze firmly on Leonard.

"I've decided to move some of my things," Leonard explained.

"You can't take the couch. That's Sheldon's spot."

"Sheldon had a lawn chair before that. He'll just find something else."

"Well it's not going in my apartment," Penny said firmly as she folded her arms in front of her chest.

"It's not," Leonard said. "It's going into storage. You know"—Sheldon and he locked eyes—"in case something changes my mind."

"Never!" Sheldon shouted before rushing off to his room.

"The couch stays, Leonard," Penny said coldly.

"You know how you always wanted me to be more assertive? Well I am," Leonard replied smugly. "Trust me on this."

"You can't do this to Sheldon."

"I'm doing this for us."

"Us?!" Penny squawked. "How is this helping us?"

"I promised Sheldon he could have the couch if we swapped apartments."

"What?!"

"You know Sheldon, change isn't his thing," Leonard whined. "He just needs time and he'll see that it's the best thing—"

"The couch stays," Penny said, her icy glare at the two movers made them take their hands off the couch.

"But—"

"It stays." A crooked smile came to Penny's lips. "Actually, how much did you buy it for?"

"A hundred dollars," Leonard said, a frown forming on his brow.

"I'll give you two hundred for it."

"It's not for sale," Leonard said firmly.

"Okay, then how 'bout we swap? Give me the couch"—she took off her engagement ring and held it to him—"or I give you this."

"That's blackmail!" Leonard said angrily.

"Two hundred bucks or the ring. Take what you want."

"I don't want your money."

"It makes it legit." Penny put her ring in his hand. "Keep this as collateral until I hit the bank machine."

Leonard was beside himself.

"It's always him, isn't it?" he snapped. "Even when it's about us it's Sheldon!"

He stormed by her and out of the apartment.

"There will still be a charge even though we didn't move anything," said one of the movers.

"That's fine," said Penny.

She signed the proffered clip board and the two men departed. With a sigh she then went down the hallway to Sheldon's door, only stopping as she heard him repeating a little mantra to himself:

"It's just a couch, it's just a couch, it's just a couch, it's just—"

Penny knocked and opened the door.

"Sweetie?" she said gently. Sheldon sniffled but said nothing as he sat on his bed with his head down. "The couch isn't going anywhere." She approached the bed. "I bought it off Leonard and I'm giving it to you so you—"

Sheldon bolted off the bed and wrapped his arms around Penny's shoulders in a big hug. The pair stood there, Penny gently rubbing his back.

"Anyways," she said softly. "I don't think it's in the right spot so we should move it back."

Sheldon broke the hug and nodded in acknowledgment before they went to the living room. They took a few minutes to angle the couch. When it was to Sheldon's satisfaction he sat in his spot, wiggled his buttocks to get comfortable before closing his eyes and letting out a sigh.

"I'm sorry Leonard was such a douche," Penny said as she sat in the fluffy chair. "He should have known that you're—"

"Bat crap crazy?" Sheldon said softly. He shrugged. "From an outsider's position I suppose I am but this all makes perfect sense to me." He patted the arm rest. "This spot is my locus, a place where everything is at equilibrium."

"Why's it important for you?" Penny asked. "I'm not knocking it, just that I don't get it."

"It's the prime location in the apartment based on the physical proximities to the window, air flow television, etcetera. It's how I try to navigate through the world, although I realize that I'm rather unsuccessful in social situations." Sheldon sighed. "Things are complicated outside of this apartment and I find that stressful." He looked to Penny. "Sometimes people complicate 'here' with their sarcasm and Radiohead."

"I'm sorry, Sheldon. I never knew you felt—I mean you always seem so confident. Well, most of the time."

"I am—when I'm not dealing with people. Even familiar faces can be stressful at times." Sheldon leaned forward and squiggled his butt to settle into the cushion. "I can't read sarcasm very well and even when I do catch it I'm left wondering if you're laughing with me or at me." He settled back in his seat. "The same with anger. When you're angry I'm unsure if I'm the cause of it and so I rack my brain, going over my previous words and conduct. It's why I have a Conversation Log."

"I never knew it was that bad," Penny said slowly. "I'll try to keep this in mind when I'm around you."

"What I want you to be around me, is you," Sheldon said firmly. "As much as Amy had enriched my experiences I never would have had them if it wasn't for you expanding my horizons to begin with." A little smile brushed his lips. "For someone I initially thought so mundane you really are quite remarkable, Penny."

"And once I look up mundane I'll thank you," she grinned.

"So, to business. How much did the couch cost?"

"Two hundred bucks." Sheldon got up and went to a peanut can on the book shelf. "Honey, you don't have to pay me."

"I want the transaction to be monetarily bound."

He popped off the lid and took out a sum of money. Sheldon then returned to the seating area and handed Penny the bills. When she took it there was a pause as he didn't let go.

"It's no lie when I say I'll never forget this," he said seriously. He released the money.

"I love you, Dr. Whackadoodle," Penny said with a warm smile.

"Likewise, Kitten," Sheldon nodded.

XXX

Leonard sat in his car. He'd been there for at least half an hour as he realized he was too angry to drive.

Somehow, his plan of getting closer to Penny had ended with him sitting in his car with her engagement ring in hand and her upstairs with Sheldon.

"Way to go, genius," he mumbled.

Over the years Penny became pretty predictable: if she had a problem, she had alcohol, problem would somehow resolve itself or, more likely, she just kept herself numb. Leonard realized the pattern and said little about her alcohol consumption; after all, she might be a quasi-alcoholic but she was his quasi-alcoholic. Not that he meant that it took Penny being drunk to be his girlfriend. Only that he didn't want to take the chance otherwise.

Then Sheldon came into the picture and everything went to hell.

Penny became an overprotective mother bear and kicked bullies in the balls and sang Soft Kitty.

There was something between them, a connection which Leonard envied. He'd seen Penny happy and angry and everything in between. But never did she seem more alive than when she was in battle with Sheldon Cooper. Leonard would kill to have Penny look at him the same way. He frowned. But then again, he might wilt under that junior rodeo glare.

Leonard sighed. This was a mess and it was his job to clean it up. He got out of the car and made his way back to apartment 4B and knocked.

Penny opened the door.

"You owe Sheldon an apology," she said crisply.

"Yeah, I do, but I also owe you an explanation and I'd like to do that first," Leonard replied.

Penny nodded and stepped aside for him to enter the living room. Leonard began to pace as Penny sat on the arm of her couch.

"I'm sorry you had to see this," he began.

"It was stupid."

"Yeah, it wasn't one of my better plans." He stopped pacing and looked up. "It's just that we were tripping over each other here and I didn't want to be fighting all the time. It's been stressful. You getting a new job. Us living together."

"We weren't fighting all the time." Penny cocked her head. "And I'm not stressing about my job."

"Well, stress comes from good things as well as bad things," he backpedaled.

"But my new job is a good thing, right?" Penny asked pointedly.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Leonard agreed with a nervous twang. "As for the apartment, what about when Sheldon gets a new roommate? We'll be trapped in here."

"You really think that after this Sheldon will want to live with you?" Penny snorted.

"I was just thinking about us," Leonard sighed. "I've—we've worked—so hard to get this far."

"Then we need to look for another apartment," Penny said firmly.

"But this reasonable?"

"Leonard, we're both professionals. We can float a bigger place." Leonard made to speak. "We can," Penny said again for emphasis.

Leonard came over to her.

"Can I make this up to you?" he asked.

"Sure," Penny said. She leaned towards him. "After you apologize to Sheldon."

"Now?"

"I'll still be here."

Leonard's amiable expression slipped off as he left the apartment. No doubt Sheldon was going to make this long and drawn out when all Leonard wanted to do was make things up with Penny, perhaps a little makeup sex and then plan their future by looking over apartments.

He opened his apartment door to find Sheldon sitting on the couch.

"Sheldon, I want to say sorry for—"

Sheldon got up, took his seat cushion, and went to his room.

"Well, I say that counts," sniffed Leonard as he closed the door and went back to Penny's place.

xTBBTx

wwwnaturecomnewsmysterious-galactic-signal-points-lhc-to-dark-matter-1.17485: Dark Matter

wwwgalilean-libraryorgsiteindexphptopic587-metaphysical-dark-energy-and-matter: Dark Matter and Metaphysics (Martha's mote comment is attributed to a physicist but the citation was unclear so I left it. Just don't think it came from me!)

wwwpbsorgnewshourrundowngetting-superheroes-to-do-their-spider-math-and-bat-physics: Superhero Physics


	23. Chapter 23

Reference to: 'The Wheaton Recurrence '; 'The Psychic Vortex'; 'The Good Guy Fluctuation'; 'The Commitment Determination'

xTBBTx

Tracy's fingers were tapping the steering wheel to Nine Inch Nails as she waited in her Camry for Sheldon to come out of his building. New Comic Book Night had kind of become their thing, although she wasn't sure how much longer this was going to last since his friend's comic book store was ready to reopen. Alice had bad memories of the clientele but she did like the original shop and owner so Tracy decided to let the final decision of whether to join Sheldon be up to her.

The front door opened and Sheldon emerged carrying a large item in a canvas bag. He opened the passenger door of the car and got in but left the door open and the object outside as he settled himself.

"Hello," he said with a slight smile and did up his seatbelt. He then took up the reddish brown flat square-ish item and struggled to angle it so that it'd fit onto his lap before closing the door.

"What's that?" asked Tracy as she turned off the stereo.

"A couch cushion."

"Why do you have a couch cushion?" She signaled and pulled into traffic.

"So Leonard can't take it," Sheldon said with a frown.

"Why would Leonard take it?"

"Because his brain has been overridden by his need to fornicate and pair bond," Sheldon growled even as he squeezed the cushion.

"Fair enough," Tracy nodded as she signaled and turned right. "So. This weekend. MWOK?"

"Actually, I was planning on being with Martha," Sheldon said as he glanced nervously at the speedometer.

"A date?" Tracy said hopefully.

"She's a girl slash friend but not my girlfriend," Sheldon amended.

"Doesn't mean you can't collect a smoochie." She glanced at Sheldon, who looked like he was mulling over her words. "So is she into comic books and gaming, too?"

"Comic books. That's actually how we met five and a half years ago. I was carrying a Green Lantern lantern at the university social and—"

"The life-size one with the power ring?"

"The very same. I've amassed an assortment of collectibles over the years."

"Cool. You'll have to show me sometime." She signaled and again turned right. "But anyways, you met Martha at the social?"

"Yes. She knew what I was carrying." A quick smile flickered over his lips. "She was a fascinating person, albeit for a humanities professor."

"Yeah, us liberal arts people can be surprising," Tracy smirked as they came to a stop light. "Still, she must have been a great support when your girlfriend left."

"Actually, I hadn't spoken with Martha in five years and three months until she found me on a dating website ten weeks ago."

"But I thought you said that you found her fascinating?" The light turned green and traffic moved.

"I did. I do."

"O-kay. So why didn't you do anything with her? Or were you not interested?"

Sheldon turned to Tracy.

"Curious you said that. When I met Martha for tea she asked for similar clarification," he said.

"Really?" Tracy smiled. "Well that's a good sign."

"Sign of what?"

"What did she say, exactly?"

"Well, she referred to the last time we saw each other. Raj and Abby were busy sucking face in the living room so Martha came into my bedroom, asking if she could stay."

"And did she?" Tracy breathed.

"Of course. I took Leonard's room."

"Wow," Tracy laughed. "No wonder Martha wanted to clarify things."

"I suppose," Sheldon shrugged. "But it's the weirdest thing: 'So you were interested in me but not interested in me'."

"You do know she means sexually, right?" Tracy said, trying to keep the tone conversational.

Sheldon cocked his head.

"I hadn't thought of that." His mind was a whirr. "Although looking at it from a carnal angle a woman wanting to stay in my bedroom—" Sheldon frowned. "Why didn't she just say she wanted coitus?"

"She was, in her own way."

"Bah," scoffed Sheldon. "And they say the humanities are about the expression of thoughts and ideas."

"Yeah yeah." Tracy turned left and then busied herself looking out for a parking spot. "So as a question, would you have slept with her?"

"Back then I wouldn't have slept with anyone," snorted Sheldon.

"And now?"

"I'd rather not discuss my sex life."

"Lips zipped." Tracy parked the car and turned off the engine. "But you might want to keep in mind that Martha was interested and 'interested' in you and that five and a half years later she took one look at your profile and started up a conversation with you. Now I'm not saying one hundred percent that she's still into you in that way but I do think you ought to figure out for yourself how interested you are in her."

"Is that interested or 'interested'?" Sheldon said sarcastically.

"All up to you, chum. Hey, why don't the two of you come out for MWOK?"

"I'll have to discuss it with Martha but I don't see anything wrong about going."

They exited the vehicle and Tracy went to the trunk.

"Want to leave the cushion?" she asked.

"And risk it being stolen?" Sheldon tsked.

With a smile, Tracy followed him into the comic book shop.

"Hey Julian!" boomed Dragan's loud voice as the pair rounded the corner to the new comic book wall. "What's in the bag?"

"My couch cushion," Sheldon replied.

"Taking it for a walk?" Dragan chuckled. He glanced over at Tracy who shook her head, no. "So how's Howard doing?" he asked without missing a beat.

"He's reconciled with Bernadette."

"That's awesome!"

"Ask Howard if he wants to play MWOK this weekend," said Alice as she came to the group.

"It'll make even numbers for the mini-tournament we're going to run," Tracy nodded.

"Actually, here's the man of the hour now," Dragan said as Howard and Raj came around the corner. "Hey Rocket Man."

"Hey guys," Howard said, happy at the nickname.

"MWOK this weekend?"

"I don't know." Howard looked to Raj.

"I'm out with Emily," Raj said.

"Then I say okay!"

"It'll be a team tournament," said Alice. "We think we've got a plan so Sheldon won't always win."

"You could always try the dead Meemaw trick," snorted Raj. Sheldon turned to him and glared.

"Dead Meemaw?" asked Tracy.

"We were playing Wil Wheaton in the finals at a tournament and Sheldon was about to crush him when Wil came out with this story about how his grandmother had died." Raj shook his head. "Sheldon folded like an origami swan and Wil won. He then said that his grandmother was alive and well."

"Yeah, that sounds like Wil," snorted Dragan. "Saw him at a tournament a couple of years ago. A sore loser but an even worse winner."

Leonard came around the corner and stopped for a moment to take a breath before proceeding forward to the group.

"Hey Sheldon," he said overenthusiastically. "I was looking for you."

"It's new comic book night," Sheldon replied even as his grip on the handle of his cushion bag tightened. "Where else would I be?"

"Yeah, but I could have given you a ride." Leonard flashed a nervous smile at Alice. "Hey," he said meekly.

"Troll," Alice snorted and walked off. Dragan glared at Leonard before he tromped off in his big boots to the comic bins.

"Sheldon, let's finish up with the comic books so we can go," said Tracy evenly. He nodded and went to the shelves. "MWOK on Saturday," she reminded Howard. "Six o'clock at Dragan's. We'll order Chinese later."

"Sounds good to me," Howard said with a slight bow. Tracy smiled and left while Howard went to get his new comic books.

"I don't get why Sheldon's friends are snubbing me," snapped Leonard. Raj gave him a 'duh' look. "I mean I get why but it's not like I went all the way with Alice."

"Dude, you're talking about my sister again," Raj warned.

"Look, Priya cheated on me."

"So that means you get to cheat on her?"

"There's cheating and then there's cheating. I stopped before anything happened."

"Tell that to Alice," said Raj before he went to get his comic books.

Leonard stood there in thought, looking back and forth between the comic books and Alice. Alice was the obstacle between Leonard and having fun with Sheldon's friends. Surely she couldn't still be mad at him for what happened. Hell, he did a lot of stupid things and Penny always forgave him. And Leonard was truly sorry. Normally he was the good guy so it was atypical for him to do something like this. He winced as immediately the thought of drunk lips, cigarette breath and the roll of the ocean beneath his feet came to mind.

"Well, atypical didn't mean impossible," he murmured as he went over to where Alice was. She looked at him before returning her attention to the comic book wall.

"Hey again," Leonard said slowly. "Look, I just wanted to apologize to you for what happened. I—"

"Save it," she said coldly.

"I don't know why I did it," Leonard continued in a whiny voice. "I'm really a nice guy," he pleaded. Alice turned to him.

"No, you think you're a nice guy. That's what makes you toxic," she said.

"Well I have a fiancée that would say otherwise," he said defensively.

"The girl you cheated on?"

"No. But she knew about what happened and she doesn't judge me."

"Then it sounds like you're a matched pair."

"Everything okay here?" asked Dragan as he came to stand behind Alice.

"Yeah," she replied. "Troll here was just leaving."

Dragan glared menacingly at Leonard and the physicist took the hint and moved away.

XXX

Tracy pulled up at Sheldon's apartment building.

"Goodbye, Meister Bond," she said in a German accent.

Sheldon made a sucking sound as he slurped up some of his Icee in his straw.

"Thanks for taking me," he said.

"Any time."

He turned to her. "I don't think Alice was too happy," he said.

"Nope."

"I have my Green Lantern lantern upstairs if you'd like to see it," he offered.

"Not really my scene," Tracy said diplomatically. "Maybe you could bring it this weekend?" He nodded and exited the vehicle. "Call me if you need a ride."

With his comic books and cushion in one hand and his Icee in the other Sheldon struggled his way into the building and then lugged his way up the stairs. Up to Leonard.

It had been over ten years since Leonard had knocked on his door. After they had worked out the bugs Leonard had proved to be an amenable roommate and friend. Secret agent laser obstacle chess. Paintball. Renaissance fairs.

And then Penny came and everything changed.

Sheldon frowned. No, this wasn't Penny's fault Leonard became a...what? Leonard was his best friend.

Wasn't he?

All the mocking, the teasing and sarcasm that Leonard thought Sheldon didn't get. And to be fair at first he didn't, but after years of eye-rolling and that little smirk Leonard did when he thought Sheldon wasn't looking...

The electric can opener.

How Leonard had laughed at his national radio humiliation thanks to Kripke.

As he rounded the corner and continued to climb, Sheldon thought about Tracy and her gang. There were no scientists in the midst and yet they kept him entertained. They had fun—and not at each other's expense. There was teasing—Sheldon wondered if Dragan would ever call him by his real name—but it wasn't hurtful.

For the past ten years Sheldon had hung out with scientists. And Penny. Penny who taught him sarcasm and blackmail and The Favor. Things without scientific value and yet made his life easier. Leonard wasn't the only one Penny opened up.

That's why this was going to be difficult.

Sheldon came to his door and opened it. He entered the room to find Leonard and Penny on the sofa. Leonard had put another cushion in Sheldon's spot and was sitting on it. Under Sheldon's watchful gaze Leonard and Penny moved the cushions back and sat.

"Good," sniffed Sheldon. "I'm glad you're both here. I've given it some thought and I've decided that it's time for Leonard to move out."

"You sure, Sheldon?" Leonard gasped.

"Very. As soon as possible if you can manage." Sheldon stepped across the room to the hall.

"Penny's place is too small. We'll have to look at another building," Leonard warned.

Sheldon stopped and glanced over his shoulder.

"Whatever works," he said before swinging around the corner and into his room.


	24. Chapter 24

"So how's the apartment hunt going?" asked Bernadette before taking a sip of wine.

"Slowly," sighed Penny as she leaned back on her couch. "Haven't looked in a while so I didn't realize how expensive it is out there. Finding something between the university and work with two car spots that doesn't cost an arm and a leg is not easy."

"Maybe you could ask Sheldon about trading apartments?"

"That's his home. Besides Leonard and I are making a new life together so why not take the plunge and start fresh somewhere else?" Penny moved forward and clicked on her laptop. "I'm practically glued to this apartment listing."

Bernadette leaned forward and together the two women scrolled the listings.

"That one's nice," said Bernadette.

"Leonard said no because it doesn't face south," said Penny.

"Ah." They continued to scroll. "This one has an awesome walk-in closet."

"It has underground parking and Leonard's afraid he'll get mugged there."

"Well this one has a nice open concept," Bernadette said after a few minutes.

"Apparently Leonard's afraid it'll collapse due to the lack of observable support walls."

Bernadette straightened up.

"But that only leaves these dingy ones that remind me of grandpa's den," she said with a wrinkled nose.

"You got it." Penny took a deep gulp of wine.

"I suppose you could always paint."

"Or kill my fiancé and find a better place."

"Good thing my apartment is big," smiled Bernadette. "Of course I also have Howie store a lot of his stuff at his mother's place."

"So how are things going anyways?" asked Penny.

"Howie's doing his best not to be as childish about things and I'm doing my best to be more respectful of his stupid hobbies."

"Sounds great," Penny said before taking a sip of wine.

"I just don't get why a grown man wants a rocket ship lava lamp in the bedroom," Bernadette frowned.

"When I first met Leonard he was using Star Wars shampoo."

"Penny, are we stupid for thinking they've changed?" asked Bernadette as she rested her glass on her knee.

"Of course not," said Penny after a moment. "I mean I didn't give Leonard a second thought when I first met him." She smirked. "If anything I thought that Sheldon was cute."

"No kidding," Bernadette giggled.

"Then he broke into my apartment and cleaned it. Kinda ruined it there for me."

They both laughed and finished their wine before leaning back against the couch.

"Sometimes I'm worried that Leonard and I don't really have a lot in common," Penny said slowly.

"It'll work out," Bernadette soothed. "I mean look at Howie and me. I can't stand most of what he likes and yet we get along great."

They sat in silence.

"More wine?" Penny asked as she went for the bottle.

"Yes please."

Penny filled the glasses and both women took them up and drained them.

"Felt dry," Bernadette said.

"Me too," Penny agreed.

xTBBTx

Penny opened her apartment door just as a tall woman with auburn hair to her shoulder blades, a knee-length purple plaid skirt, a light purple top and black sweater vest that was accentuated by a sheer scarf around the neck came up to the floor.

"Hi," said Penny as she ventured over. "You must be Martha. Sheldon mentioned you were coming by and so I thought to myself this would be a perfect opportunity to meet you since I didn't the last time." Penny stopped herself and smiled. "I'm Penny."

"Nice to meet you," Martha replied. She knocked at the door.

"Don't worry about that," said Penny as she opened the door and entered 4A.

"Penny, note the knock," said Sheldon as he helped Leonard wrap up Leonard's collectibles that were around the living room. "You may wish to familiarize yourself with the social convention."

"Yeah yeah," Penny smirked. "So how are things going?"

"We're making progress." Sheldon set down Leonard's collectible in a box. "This shouldn't take too much longer," he said to Martha.

"Don't worry about it," Martha replied. "Wrapping collectibles is serious business."

"You should listen to that, too," Leonard teased Penny, who stuck her tongue out in response.

"Would you like a beverage?" asked Sheldon. "I have water, milk, orange juice, tea, coffee, strawberry quick, hot chocolate—"

"Just a water would do," said Martha as she went to sit down in the stuffed chair. Sheldon procured her a bottled water from the refrigerator.

"Note how Sheldon gets Martha a drink," Penny said to Leonard.

"Yeah but you're here enough to constitute being a third roommate," explained Leonard.

"No she doesn't," Sheldon countered. "You're just rude."

"Anyways, there are some things we bought together," said Leonard as he took the full box off the couch and set it on the floor in front of the book shelves.

"I suppose we should come to an amicable means of distribution," said Sheldon.

"The sword is mine," both men said at once. Sheldon and Leonard glared at each other.

"Leonard, give it to him," said Penny.

"No," he grumped.

"Where the frak are you gonna put it?"

"On the mantle." Penny rolled her eyes.

"Sheldon, it's yours," she said firmly.

"Hey!"

"Leonard, I'm not having that on my shelf."

"It won't be on your shelf. I said mantle," Leonard sniffed.

"Our new place won't have a fireplace," Penny said.

"But it'd be perfect for my new wingback chair," Leonard whined.

"Who said you're—never mind. Look, I don't want a bladed weapon in the apartment." Penny smiled grimly. "I mean you managed to cut yourself with a spoon."

"Well, it was sharp," Leonard said defensively. Penny gave him a 'yeah right' look even as she folded her arms across her chest. "Fine, but I want half the value."

"Agreed," Sheldon nodded.

They both went to Sheldon's computer to look up the value.

"Boys and their toys," Penny smirked to Martha.

"Actually sword collecting is quite popular," Martha replied. "In fact I have a first edition Duncan McLeod katana." Penny looked at her blankly. "From Highlander." No recognition. "It was a television show."

"Ah." Penny chuckled. "You know, it sounds really strange hearing something like that from a woman."

"You'll have to excuse Penny, she's not versed in the ways beyond Jersey Shore and the Kardashians," Sheldon said absently as he scoured the screen.

"Actually, there's a whole whack of women and girls into fantasy, sci-fi and comic books," said Martha. "Just go to one Comic Con and you'll note a good forty percent of the people there are female."

"Well, according to this the sword has appreciated thirty dollars," said Sheldon. "I'll pay you your half plus half the additional value when we finish dividing the items." He checked his watch. "But it's now date night. See yourselves out."

"Date night?" Leonard asked even as Penny popped off the breakfast stool and took him by the arm.

"Have fun, you two," she said and dragged Leonard out the door.

"'Date night'?" Martha echoed, albeit with a smirk.

"Well, it is night time and we did have a prearranged meeting," Sheldon said as he closed his computer and went to his spot on the couch.

"I see," said Martha as she got up moved to the couch. "So this isn't a 'date' date." Sheldon cocked his head.

"If I take into consideration your previous use of a double word, you're expecting this night to end in coitus?"

"Actually, I'd like to be dating before we do anything." Pause. "And just to clarify, are you possibly thinking that at some point we might actually turn these get-togethers into dates?" Martha bit her lip.

"I haven't got around to devising a contract," Sheldon said.

"Contract?"

"A relationship agreement."

"Why do we need a contract?"

"How else would we define the parameters of our relationship or provide the means for termination should it prove necessary?"

"Wait, we're not dating and yet you're already planning to break up with me?"

"Martha, I'm not always clear of the implications where social interactions are concerned." Sheldon gave a slight shrug of the shoulders. "I need things concrete."

"How about this?" Martha leaned over and kissed him. "I like you. You like me?"

"I do," Sheldon said. "Only I'm not sure if the parameters are beyond friendship."

"Then let's see where this goes," Martha smiled.

"Agreed," nodded Sheldon.

XXX

From Penny's bedroom came the sounds of huffing and puffing and the mumbles, moans and groans of sex.

Inside, Penny and Leonard were 'in the moment', working a missionary position.

Penny glanced at Leonard as he worked his hips. His eyes were screwed shut and his asthma was starting to come into play. She then looked about the room until she spotted the sex art canvas on the floor by the closet.

There was a term her cousin used about her sex life when she got married.

"Fuck me," Penny growled.

 _What was it?_

Leonard pumped harder. Penny repositioned her hips.

 _'Putting down the boloney pony'? 'Plummer's having problem laying pipe'?_

In a rush Leonard grunted and it was all over. He rolled to his side to get his inhaler. After a couple of puffs he settled down to catch his breath and Penny snuggled against him. Closed her eyes and listened to the huffs and puffs and the feelings of dissatisfaction after another night of—

 _Orgasmic Bed Death_.

"God, I can't wait until we have our own place," Leonard gasped with a smile on his face. "We can get wild and crazy like this whenever we want."

Penny thought about sex with Leonard for the foreseeable future.

Crazy was right.

xTBBTx

"All set?" Bernadette asked sweetly from the kitchen table.

"Pretty soon," Howard said happily. "Got my lucky belt buckle and hat." He plunked on his red cowboy hat and went over to the table. "Howdy Ma'am."

"Just make sure you come home with your shirt and horse, Tex."

"We don't play for money." He cleared his voice. "We play for honor, glory and bragging rights at the next comic book night."

"I still can't believe you found another group of people who play this stuff," said Bernadette.

"Like I keep telling you, Comic Con is for more than lonely guys wearing Star Wars costumes. I mean, hey, Sheldon's friend Martha is coming to check out tonight."

"I already had enough fun checking out D&D."

"True." Howard tucked his thumbs in his belt and racked his brain for something else to say. He looked to Bernadette, who seemed to be at a similar loss.

"I better let you go—" she said while simultaneously Howard came out with an, "I better get going—"

They smiled at each other.

"Have fun," Bernadette squeaked. Howard tipped his hat and exited the apartment.

As soon as each was out of the other's company their friendly smiles were replaced by grim ones.

XXX

"Shiver Me Timberwolf," said Sheldon as he laid down a card on the table.

"Hornswaggle Beast," said Martha as she put her card down.

"Cackling Crow's Nest." Tracy put her card down and sat back. "So Martha, Sheldon tells me you met at the university?"

"Jacob's Ladder Snake," said Howard and put down his card.

"We did several years ago," replied Martha. "Abby wanted to go to this social mixer and I was bored out of my mind and then I see this guy with a Green Lantern lantern. I mean, totally brilliant!"

"Boom Monkey," played Sheldon.

"Freebooter Looter," played Martha. "And I gather Sheldon met you at Comic Con. One of his kissing experiments?"

"Landlubbing Leopard. One among many that night," said Tracy. "No harm no foul."

"Slimy Blimy," played Howard, who was now curious at the women's conversation.

"Still, I did take Sheldon under my wing," Tracy continued. "You know, just to make sure that people didn't take advantage of him."

"What people would take advantage of me?" asked Sheldon. "Fluty Booty."

"'He who shall not be named'," Tracy said in a deep voice.

"Who's that?" Martha played a card. "Captain Hookworm."

Sheldon turned to her. "I believe she's alluding to Leo—"

"Hey!" yelped Alice from the other end of the table.

"Ah, I get it," nodded Martha. "Yes, I've rather gathered that," she said to Tracy.

"That's why I was pleased when Sheldon said he had another friend," said Tracy. "I knew that we totally had to meet. You know, just so that we all know the score. Davy Jones' Stalker."

"Well, I'm about as normal as they get," smiled Martha. "And for the record, Sheldon and I have graduated to 'seeing each other'."

"I disagree," said Sheldon. "We were already socializing." He looked to Tracy. "Martha has offered a proposal whereby we alter our relationship paradigm."

"And are you?" asked Tracy.

"I'm considering it. Martha has many favorable qualities. For instance, with only a few games under her belt she's become adept at playing Mystic Warriors of Ka'a, unlike Howard who's taking his own sweet time deciding whether to play Jolly Roger Rancher, Ba-Ba-Blackbeard or Cannonball—"

"We win!" Howard said gleefully as he played his card.

"How do you win?" Sheldon snapped as he took up the card and read, 'Filling the Sails with Tales'. "Why this isn't even a real card. 'Card must be played after Sheldon verbally reveals the remaining cards in any opposing player's hand. Card owner automatically wins'." He looked to Tracy and scowled. "You never said that unsanctioned cards were allowed."

"House cards," said Tracy. "All the decks are full of them."

"Mutinous," Sheldon growled.

"Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of glum," chuckled Howard.

XXX

"So I think I passed the gatekeeper," chuckled Martha as she drove Sheldon home.

"What are you talking about?" Sheldon asked.

"Your friend Tracy. She made it very clear that no one's going to mess with you on her watch."

"Really? I didn't know that." Sheldon thought for a moment. "I'll talk to her tomorrow."

"No!" Martha gasped. "Sheldon, I think she wants to make sure that I'm not nuts or anything."

"Well you do prefer the New 52 to the classic DC universe."

"So why are you collecting the new stuff, Dr. Fancy Pants?"

"I collect both," he sniffed. "The old to fill in my collection and fully flesh out the universe and the new ones to see how they screw things up." Martha laughed and Sheldon let loose with a quick smile before looking out the side window. "So did you like Tracy?"

"Well she's a force and a half but really nice," said Martha. "Actually I thought the whole gang was pretty cool." Sheldon was relieved.

"So you'll come back?"

"Sure."

"Amy never wanted to involve herself in any of my 'lame-o' hobbies, although she did play Dungeons and Dragons once."

"How was that?"

"I thought she enjoyed herself but she never asked to play again," Sheldon shrugged.

"That's too bad." Martha signalled and turned right.

"I liked playing with you tonight," Sheldon said as he looked at her.

"Me too. So how about you come meet some of my friends next week?"

"Will we be playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of a night out to unwind. You know, chit chat and what not."

"And scrutinize me."

"Of course."

"Well, fair's fair. You came tonight and experienced an entertaining evening so in return I shall endure a night of estrogen and fruity alcoholic beverages," he sighed.

"You're lucky you're cute," Martha snorted.

"Genetics, Martha," he tsked. "For instance, I have my mother's eyes."

"And your smarts?"

"She says from Jesus but I disagree. Of course given the average IQ of the rest of my family an extraterrestrial origin might be plausible."

They pulled up in front of his building.

"Well, wherever you're from, Kal-El, you sure rock this girl's planet," Martha grinned.

Sheldon turned to go but stopped.

"You know, it just occurred to me that I've never initiated a kiss on a liberal arts professor before," he said evenly. "I'd like to remedy that." He leaned over and their lips met. One moment became two and three before he pulled back and smiled. "Goodnight Martha."

"'Night, Sheldon," she squeaked back as he exited the vehicle.

Martha waited until he entered the building before letting out a squeal of delight.


	25. Chapter 25

"So," said Raj smugly as he sat at the lunch table. "You're looking at one of the best and brightest representing astrophysics at this upcoming donors' gathering."

"And coincidently enough, you're looking at the only astronaut going, too," grinned Howard.

"Really? Me too!" gushed Leonard. "That Hawking trip totally got me on board with the administration for my latest project."

As one they all looked to Sheldon, whose gaze dropped to his pasta salad.

"Donor galas are silly," he said although his cheeks began to flush.

"Don't worry about it," Leonard soothed. "Give it time and you'll come up with something for dark matter."

"Leonard, I worked myself up from East Texas to a double doctorate before age twenty," Sheldon said slowly. "Like Oliver Queen I've gone down into the depths but it will only make me stronger." He sat straight in his chair. "The Arrow always hits his mark and I defy any of you to tell me I won't pierce the heart of dark matter and solidify my place as one of the giants of science."

"Well, if your ego reflects your talent and ambition I think you're more than capable of doing it," Raj smirked.

"Indeed it does." Sheldon stood. "Now if you'll excuse me I've calculations to write." He grabbed at the air beside himself with both hands and then seemingly lifted something over his head and onto his back.

"What are you doing?" asked Howard.

"Loading my quiver. Gentlemen." Sheldon took up his tray and departed.

"Is it just me or is Sheldon a lot whackier since he started dating Martha?" Raj asked. "He's always making comic book references to himself."

"He's also out and about a lot more," added Leonard. "If he's not with Martha he's out with Tracy and company." He shook his head. "I even heard him making plans one night to go to The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"So he's got new friends," said Howard. "He's happy. We should all be so lucky."

"Hey, we are that lucky," Leonard said defensively.

"When's the last time we went to a Renaissance Fair or went paintballing or bounced a laser off the moon?"

"I've been busy with Emily," said Raj. "But I'm sure she'd be cool with going to the Fair—especially if they have torture devices," he added with a bit of a blush.

"Penny and I kind of do our own thing," said Leonard.

"Movies, sex and eating," Howard said bluntly.

"You're making us sound boring," Leonard said with a frown.

"What happened to us?" Howard said adamantly. "We used to be adventurous. Spontaneous."

"Life, Howard," Raj said. "Relationships."

"We grew up," Leonard said firmly.

"So how come Sheldon has a new career and a girlfriend and new friends and yet he's still playing paintball and MWOK and reading comic books in the open without being mocked or condescended and basically having fun?" asked Howard pointedly.

Silence.

"No wonder he's an arrogant ass. He is a bloody genius," Raj said softly.

XXX

Sheldon held his breath as he looked down the shaft of his imaginary arrow towards a particular formula on his whiteboard. He then released it and it flew to the board.

"Correct," he said and drew out another arrow. He knocked it and again pulled back on the bow, this time aiming at another formula. He sensed someone appear at the door behind him but kept his focus. A moment and then he let loose with the arrow.

"Am I intruding, Dr. Cooper?" asked Martha as she leaned against the doorframe with a grin on her face.

"Not at all, Dr. Wallace. I'm just prepping for this afternoon's work."

"Well before you get hunting I've got an invitation for you."

" I'm already a card-carrying member of the Justice League," he said with a smirk.

"Okay, nothing that monumental but kind of important to me."

"What is it?" Sheldon unstrung his bow.

"President Siebert has a donors' gathering coming up and has invited certain faculty to represent their areas of research," said Martha excitedly.

"Yes, I'm aware," Sheldon said stiffly.

"Well, I've been selected to represent the humanities interdisciplinary studies and I was wondering, kind sir, if you'd be my date?"

"No thank you," said Sheldon and turned back to his whiteboard.

"Look, I realize it's not going to be exciting but I figured misery loves company and all that jazz," said Martha. Sheldon let out a sigh and turned to address her.

"Martha, the night is supposedly for showcasing the best and brightest at the university," he said.

"Your point?" Martha frowned.

"I'm not invited."

"I'm inviting you."

"It's not the same," Sheldon sniffed. "I won the President's medal for science and the Stevenson award. I should be celebrated not someone's arm candy."

"So if this was reversed you'd expect me to be your arm candy?" Martha said with a crooked smile.

"Well, you are my girlfriend."

"And on that misogynistic note I rescind my invitation. Happy hunting, Dr. Cooper."

As Martha left Sheldon turned back to his whiteboard and strung his bow. He then took out an arrow, notched it, and drew back. He let it go.

"Drat," Sheldon muttered.

He went to the whiteboard, plucked out the two arrows that had hit the formulas, before going to the third which had flown to the right corner. Sheldon returned to his shooting line and put away two of the arrows. He notched the remaining arrow and drew back.

A pause and then he relaxed the bow. He put the arrow in the quiver and unstrung his bow before slinging it across his chest. He then darted out of his office and down the hall.

"Dr. Wallace!" he called out. "Dr. Wallace!"

Sheldon swung around a corner to find a stopped Martha in the hall.

"Dr. Cooper?"

Sheldon took her hand and dragged her down the hallway and around the corner to a second hall. They stopped in front of a utility closet and he drew out the key and opened the door.

"Where'd you get the key?" she asked amusedly.

"It's a room full of cleaning products. You really think I'd let the opportunity pass?" he snorted as he again took up her hand and they entered the closet.

"So what can I do for you?" asked Martha as Sheldon closed the door.

He cleared his throat before turning around.

"I'd like to accompany you to the donors' gala," he said in a low voice.

"I thought you weren't interested?" Martha teased.

"I'm not."

"So why the change of heart?"

Sheldon straightened and clasped his hands behind his back.

"As the humanities are seldom recognized I realize this might be one of the few opportunities I'll have to publically support you," he sniffed. Martha laughed.

"Gee thanks," she grinned.

"You're welcome."

"You know I'm interpreting this as 'Martha, I realize I was a selfish ass just now and I'd like to man up and do the right thing, which is to accompany my girlfriend to her social event'."

"Pish."

"See, now that's 'I find it unnerving that you can read me this well'."

"Well, that's enough of these carnival mind-reading shenanigans," Sheldon said as he opened the door and exited the closet.

"Don't forget about Thursday," said Martha. "And wear dark clothing."

Sheldon watched her go down the hall.

"Of all the people in the universe I end up dating Saturn Girl," he grumbled.

xTBBTx

"I can't wait to get this drug through trials," gushed Bernadette as she and Penny were having lunch in the cafeteria. "It's like a Viagra for women." Penny perked up.

"Any side effects?" she said.

"So far just nausea, vertigo, headaches, changes in mood, stroke and brain bleeding."

"Sounds kinda dangerous."

"You ever read the fine print on a contraceptive pill?"

"Good point," said Penny just as her phone indicated an incoming text. She picked it up and read.

"What?" asked Bernadette as she saw Penny make an 'oh shit' face.

"It's from Amy. She's coming back." Penny glanced over the message. "She's hoping we can hook up for a girls' night this weekend." She looked to Bernadette. "I don't think it's a good thing having it at my place."

"Afraid she'll bump into Sheldon and his new girlfriend, huh? Penny it's been just about a year. I'm sure Amy is over him."

"I hope so," Penny shrugged. "It's just that I'm Sheldon's friend, too, and it's taken him quite a while to get his groove back."

"Well, you and Leonard stayed friends even when he was dating someone else," Bernadette reminded her.

"That was really hard," Penny said. "Besides, Amy's..."

"Nuts?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe this time away will have put her into a better frame of mind." Bernadette grinned. "At the very least you'll have to get that portrait back on the wall."

"Oh balls," Penny sighed.

xTBBTx

As the car continued down the road Sheldon turned to regard his similarly black-clad girlfriend as she drove. She even had a black bandanna around her neck and one on her head.

"Is this a hazing like a convenience store robbery?" Sheldon asked. "Because I won't do it."

"How did you know guns would be involved?" Martha replied sweetly. Sheldon's eyes widened.

"You're joking." Silence. "Martha. You're joking."

"Would I lie to you, Superman?" she grinned.

"This is in violation of—well if we had a Relationship Agreement you'd be in violation of it," he said excitedly.

"Then it's a good thing we don't have one."

"Something which I'll rectify after this evening let me assure you. Should I live," he added.

"Sheldon, you're out with a bunch of girls. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Everything if Missy's slumber parties are anything to judge this by. And FYI, if you hold me down and apply makeup to me our relationship is over."

"Understood."

She signaled and Sheldon read the sign for Party Zone Laser Tag.

"This is ladies night?"

"Once a month like clockwork," smiled Martha.

They got out of the car and entered the building. In the front lounge area were an assortment of people. Martha went over to a group of three women. Sheldon immediately recognized Abby.

"Ladies," said Martha.

"So, this is the infamous Dr. Sheldon Cooper, is it?" asked a short curly-haired woman with glasses and a grin.

"Infamous?" asked Sheldon.

"Well, Martha said you were on your way to being a supervillain," the woman winked. "I'm Robin."

"Nicole, here," said a brunette with a ponytail and blunt cut bangs.

Sheldon nodded before looking to Abby.

"You're Abby, Rajesh's previous coital hookup," he said.

"Uh, yeah," Abby flushed. The other women laughed.

"The free for all starts in half an hour," Martha explained to Sheldon. "We always book ahead to warm up. You know, play teams."

"Alright," said Sheldon. "We'll have to decide which team gets the extra player."

"I've got a better idea," said Robin with a sly smile. "Let's go guys versus girls."

"That seems a little lopsided."

"Martha says you're a keeper," smirked Nicole. "We just wanna see if you're as good as she thinks you are."

Sheldon stood to his full height. "Lock and load, ladies."

XXX

Leonard and Penny looked up from watching TV as Sheldon came into the apartment.

"So how was Ladies Night?" asked Penny with a smile. "Are your times of the month in synch?"

"Hardly," Sheldon tsked. "And, for the record, physically impossible." He scowled at Penny's chuckle. "At any rate, Martha took me out for laser tag with her friends."

"Sounds fun," said Leonard, feeling a twinge of jealousy.

"It was challenging at the start. It was four against one for half an hour—"

"Ooo! Ooo! One guess who was the one!" Penny teased.

"-At which time the general populous entered and we had a free-for-all. Once we finished we went out for pizza and, I believe the vernacular is that I was 'grilled'," added Sheldon as he crossed the living room to the hall.

"So how do you think you did?"

"Reasonably well. Martha says she still admits to being my girlfriend so I should take that as a victory," Sheldon said evenly. "That was sarcasm." He went down the hall a couple of steps before turning back to his friends. "You know, Leonard, I think I might have misjudged the liberal arts after all." He ventured into the washroom and closed the door.

"What?" asked Penny as she took in Leonard's dropped jaw.

"Sheldon found merit in the humanities," he said, amazed. "It's like you admitting you actually enjoy Star Wars."

"Wow."

"So there is hope," Leonard grinned.

"Not on your life, Mr. Sulu," Penny said with narrowed eyes.

"He's Star Trek," Leonard amended. "Han Solo is Star Wars."

"I can name all the Kardashians," Penny smiled and the both of them went back to watching tv.

xTBBTx

"God I missed that picture!" Amy sighed happily as she sat on Penny's couch with a glass of wine staring at their portrait.

"Yeah it really adds an ambience to the room," grinned Bernadette. She caught Penny's glare and winked.

"So, Amy, what's been happening in Chicago?" asked Penny as she angled her chair so that she didn't have to see the portrait.

"Well the experiment proved fruitful, thanks to my expertise," Amy said primly. "I've really made a name for myself in the field of addiction study." She smiled satisfactorily. "Yep, when you think about the dissected brains of drug addicted animals you think Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Yeah, but let's not think about the brains right now," Penny said with a sickly look on her face.

"I was going to stay for the write up but I got an invitation from a colleague to attend a donors' gala at Caltech." Amy took a sip of wine.

"We're going, too," said Bernadette. "Everyone's been invited to go."

"Excellent. A night with my bestie and her cute in the right light friend and a room full of the best and brightest in academia and beyond," said Amy. She traced the rim of her glass with her finger. "So I take it Sheldon will be there?" she asked lightly.

Again Bernadette and Penny looked at each other.

"That's what Leonard said," Penny said diplomatically.

"Barry tells me that Sheldon's settled himself into dark matter now."

"Among other things," Bernadette said before slipping a hand over her mouth.

"What do you mean?" asked Amy.

"So. Druggie monkey brains—" began Penny.

"What about Sheldon?" Amy asked again, this time with a frown.

"Well," Penny began slowly and very diplomatically. "Like you know he's into dark matter. He's now a junior professor. Leonard's moving out of the apartment next month. He's got a girlfriend. He's—"

"What?!" Amy gasped. "But we just broke up!"

"Amy, that was over eleven months ago," said Bernadette.

"But we really had something!" Amy growled.

Penny was confused.

"But you're the one who dumped him," she said.

"Because I wanted him to see what I did for him. How hard I sacrificed to get him from the robot he was before to the man he is today." Amy shook her head. "He's supposed to realize that he needs me and appreciates all the changes I've made to him. Changes so we can take our relationship to the next level." She fumed. "I had a five year plan!"

"Guess that plan hit a snafu," said Bernadette.

"So who is she?" Amy said icily.

"A professor or something in the humanities department," said Penny.

"Humanities?! Is this some kind of joke?" Silence. "What could Sheldon possibly have to say to someone outside of the sciences?"

"Well, she likes comic books."

"We had a relationship of the mind," Amy sniffed. "I leave for a year and he regresses back to his juvenile behavior—and this time finds an enabler." She scowled at Penny. "This is your fault."

"Mine?" gasped Penny.

"Your friendship with Sheldon has made him susceptible to mundane intelligences."

"What the hell's with you guys and 'mundane'?" Penny snapped.

"A word outside your vernacular. Exactly my point."

"Oh yeah, well Leonard's also a genius so why am I smart enough for him?"

"Your secondary sexual characteristics are bodacious plus the appeal of having sex with you is overwhelming," sniffed Amy.

"Or maybe he appreciates me for my smarts, too, and sex is the way he shows it."

"Eyah." Bernadette took a sip of wine.

"Screw the both of you," Penny snarled before storming off to her bedroom and closing the door.

"So how long has Sheldon been dating?" Amy asked in a civil voice after a moment.

"Not sure," replied Bernadette. "Howard met her. He said she's nice."

"I still find it hard to believe Sheldon's level of aloofness, disdain of others and arrogance could attract a mate."

"Well, he's not exactly as aloof as he used to be," Bernadette said delicately.

"What do you mean?" Amy asked, her eyebrows one big massive frown.

"Well, there's a possibility they're having sex."

Amy nearly had a stroke.

"Sex? Sheldon?" she said in a strangled voice.

"At the very least we know he's had sex with Elizabeth," added Bernadette.

"Elizabeth?"

"His friend from Chicago."

"So let me get this straight," Amy said angrily. "It's taken me three years to get a kiss from him and the moment I break off with him Sheldon's having sex?"

"Sorry Amy," Bernadette said.

"Well. Looks like they've benefitted from the fruits or my labour." Amy's eyes narrowed. "What's his girlfriend's name?"

"Martha. They met on the same dating site Howard used to find you."

"But it said I was Sheldon's perfect match!"

"Well, you know how these dating sites are," Bernadette said as she got up. "Let me get the other bottle of wine. I'm sure the sound of the cork popping will bring Penny out."

Amy sat with a frown on her face before finishing off her wine. Things were most definitely not going according to plan.

Time for Plan B.

XXX

Penny sat on the couch drunk as a skunk. Bernadette and Amy had left and she was still pissed at them for the comments they made about her intelligence. But, more to the point, she was furious at herself for coming out of her room to kill off the second bottle of wine with them.

"Okay, I'm not the smartest person in the group but it's not like I'm stupid," she snorted. "I mean Sheldon talks to me all the time about stuff."

A knock at the door and then Leonard entered wearing his housecoat and slippers.

"All clear on the estrogen front?" he quipped.

"YuP."

"Great. I'll get the bed ready."

"Leonard, do you think I'm smart?"

"In what way?" he asked.

Penny snorted. "See, why do you say things like that?"

"Like what?" Leonard said, confused. He went to the couch but didn't sit.

"'In what way'. Smart is smart."

"That's not true. There are varying categories of smartness including cognitive—"

"Quit being a smart-ass and just answer the question," Penny snapped as she sat up and glared.

"What was the question again?" Leonard asked nervously.

"Never mind. You answered it."

Leonard sighed.

"Look, do I think you're going to be a rocket scientist, no. But that doesn't mean I think you're stupid," he explained gently.

"I didn't ask if I was stupid. I asked if you thought I was smart!" Penny growled.

"Well of course you are."

"Liar."

"Penny, it doesn't matter to me if you're smart or not."

"So even if I was a complete idiot you'd still love me?" she asked incredulously.

"Of course," Leonard said brightly. He winked at her before heading to the bedroom.

Penny fingered the rim of her glass in thought.


	26. Chapter 26

Reference to: 'The Werewolf Transformation'; 'The Rothman Disintegration'; 'The Cooper/Kripke Inversion'

xTBBTx

"So is this a mixer or are there seating arrangements?" asked Bernadette from the washroom.

"A mixer as far as I know," replied Howard as he tucked his white dickey into his undershirt. "I mean what's the point of having an astronaut at your gala if he can't orbit the room and talk with people?" He hauled up the rest of his flight suit from his waist and slipped inside before doing up the zipper.

"Okay. Then I'll wear my lower heels so my feet don't hurt." Bernadette came out of the washroom in her cocktail dress and stopped dead. "You're wearing that?" she gasped.

"They asked for Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz, not a Caltech engineer," Howard saluted.

"Howie, we get it, you're an astronaut. That doesn't mean you have to wear space pajamas to a gala," Bernadette growled.

"When Chris Hatfield gives his talks he wears his flight suit!" Howard countered.

"NOT TO A FANCY SHMANCY AFFAIR HE DOESN'T!"

"SAYS WHO!?"

"SAYS HIS WIFE FOR ONE THING!"

"If that's what his wife is like NO WONDER HE SPENT SO LONG UP AT THE SPACE STATION!" snapped Howard even as he began to take off his flight suit.

"Yeah, well, she probably sent him out there until he learned how to dress himself properly because he'd have to be on a different planet if he thought what he was wearing was acceptable!"

"FINE!" Howard stepped out of his flight suit and stormed into the walk-in closet. "But I'm wearing my NASA pin and Star Trek buckle!"

XXX

"Come on, Sheldon, we're leaving shortly," Leonard said from the living room as he, again, readjusted his tie.

"I've secured an alternate means of transportation," Sheldon called out from his bedroom.

The apartment door opened and in came Penny wearing a low-cut, strapless, short, black cocktail dress, wickedly high heels and smoky-eyed makeup.

"Wow," Leonard said, grinning like an idiot.

"Best I can do," Penny said with a smirk.

"You're terrific." Leonard stepped over to his fiancée. "There'll be some people there from the tenure committee so I can use all the help I can get." They kissed.

"Especially since the tenureship will be mine," said Sheldon as he came into the room.

"Nice try Sh—" Leonard stopped as he took in his roommate's purple plaid suit, grey shirt and checkered tie. "You're wearing that?"

"Leonard, it's a formal gala. Of course I'm wearing a suit," tsked Sheldon.

"Which would work if you were the attraction but you're not," Leonard explained. "Martha's the primary focus and you have to dress appropriately." He indicated Penny. "Penny compliments me. She makes other people look at me because I have such an attractive fiancée. Then I impress them with my expertise. See how that works?"

"Yes," said Sheldon slowly. "Only after setting the bar high with Penny's appearance I'm not sure how you deal with the donors' disappointment when they hear about your work." Penny grinned even as Leonard frowned.

"Leonard, he's fine," Penny said.

"Fine, Sheldon, drive everyone away from your date," Leonard sighed to his roommate just as a knock at their door announced a visitor. He crossed over to the door. "You'll be lucky if she even wants to be see—"

He opened the door to Martha, who stood before him wearing a sleeveless plaid dress in autumn colours with a black lace jacket and Mary Janes.

"Hi," she said and stepped into the apartment. She took one look at Sheldon and smiled. "Hello eye candy."

"I'm a doctor twice over thank you very much," Sheldon sniffed as he came to the door.

"Of course I respect you for your mind, Dr. Cooper, but you can't wear my favorite plaid colours and expect not to be ogled."

"We'd best depart," said Sheldon with a bit of a flush and the pair went out the door. Just before the door closed Sheldon popped his head in and stuck his tongue out at Leonard.

XXX

Raj, Emily, Howard and Bernadette were in the midst of conversation with an elderly couple.

"Cosmology is a field of patience," said Raj.

"I'll say," said Howard enthusiastically. "It used to take two days for a Soyuz capsule to connect with the International Space Station. But we managed to do it in six hours. Still, it feels like an eternity when you've got those booster rockets underneath you."

"Nine years ago I was part of a team that launched the New Horizons space probe."

"The telescope I helped build didn't take that long but it—"

"Howard, Raj is talking about cosmology right now. I'm sure the donors would rather hear about science than show and tell," said Bernadette. Howard visibly deflated.

"So what's the space probe doing?" the elderly woman asked Raj.

"It's collecting data about Pluto," he replied. "It should arrive in a week at the most and will then turn itself on." He smiled grimly. "Then it becomes a waiting game as it sends a signal back to Earth. Well, if it survived the trip to Pluto, that is."

"Interesting," nodded the elderly man. He looked to Howard. "You went to the International Space Station?"

"Payload specialist Howard Wolowitz at your service," the engineer said.

"Oh, now I see the NASA pin on your lapel," the patron said. "It's hard to distinguish you from the others, which is a shame."

"Well I do have a flight suit but someone felt it was to costume-y for a gathering," Howard said.

"Oh, I don't know about that," said the lady patron. "Usually at donor gatherings the idea is to get our attention not hide your achievements." She smiled. "Going into space must have been exciting."

"Oh, it is, for some people," Howard sniffed. His eyes drifted to Bernadette. "Other people don't think it's worth talking about even though it's a life-altering experience."

"That's probably because some people are sick and tired of hearing the trip being referenced every single day," Bernadette replied crisply albeit with a smile.

"But I really have to say that Caltech has been very supportive of my trip," Howard continued with a frown. "They actually encourage me to talk about it since they know how important it is for the university and science in general."

"Being called up to the Space Station to install a telescope just makes you a galactic repairman not Neil Armstrong," Bernadette said as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

Raj looked uncomfortably at his best friend and his wife.

"You never know what can happen to a space probe," Raj said haltingly. "Space ice, for example, is no joke because—"

"I was more than a repairman," Howard seethed. "I was part of the team that designed the deep field space telescope and NASA specifically wanted me to install it so quit saying what I did was nothing!"

"I'm not saying it's nothing. I'm saying it isn't everything!" Bernadette spat back.

Howard stormed off, leaving the stunned group in silence.

"Your probe might have gone to Pluto but I think Bernadette's flew right up Howard's Uranus," Emily said to Raj in a low voice.

XXX

"Well hello there," said a dapper man with an East Coast accent.

"Hi," Penny beamed back.

"Hi," Leonard echoed.

"Whatever department you're in I'm willing to listen about," the man grinned to Penny.

"Actually, I don't work at the university but my fiancé does and so here I am," she said cheerily.

"And where is the lucky man?" the donor said as he looked around the room.

"I'm right here," Leonard piped in.

For the first time the donor looked at Leonard.

"You're kidding," the donor said. He shook his head. "He really must be a genius." Penny and he laughed.

"Actually," said Leonard nervously. "Right now I'm working on the possibility of neutrinos—"

"How did he convince you to marry him?" asked the donor, intrigued.

"Well, it did take eight years," Penny chuckled. "We're neighbors."

"I see," said the donor although in his mind as he took in the couple he couldn't understand the connection. "So what do you do, Ms?"

"Penny. I'm a pharmaceutical rep."

"I'm an experimental physicist," added Leonard.

"That sounds interesting," said the donor.

"It is," Leonard smiled. "In fact I got to work with Stephen—"

"How long have you been in the pharmaceutical field?" the donor asked Penny.

"Actually I just started," she smiled.

"Brains and beauty." The donor smiled. "You're a double threat, Penny."

"Thank you," she blushed.

The man nodded his head and walked away, oblivious to the scowl on Leonard's face.

"Well, he seemed nice," said Penny.

"A little too nice," said Leonard as he glared daggers into the patron's back.

"Hey, this outfit was your idea."

"Yeah, I meant to attract them. I didn't mean be all flirty."

Penny turned to him with a frown. "I wasn't flirting."

"He sure was."

"So how's that my fault?" she growled. "I'm just being nice."

"Well, try for aloof."

Penny rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll be aloof."

"Good." Leonard scanned the crowd. "Now there's Dr. Hoffman. He's on the tenure—"

"I'm sorry, do you really think I'd actually whore myself for your tenureship?" sniffed Penny. "What kind of woman do you take me for?"

"Someone with a very sarcastic sense of humour," Leonard said, frowning.

"Why Leonard, would you think a stupid person like me would be like that?"

"Penny, I didn't say you were stupid. I don't think you're stupid."

"You just don't think I'm smart."

Leonard sighed. "Penny, I brought you out here so people can meet my fiancée. I'm not embarrassed of you. In fact everyone here knows how lucky I am to have you." He pursed his lips. "I just don't want to feel like I'm being left behind."

"You're not being left behind, Leonard. You're just being enough of an ass that you're putting yourself at the back."

He nodded. "Fine. I'll be less of an ass." He gave an overly enthusiastic grin. "See? No ass here."

"Good," said Penny as she smiled at another male patron coming her way.

XXX

As Martha and a couple of patrons chatted about something liberal artsy, Sheldon spent his time mulling over the implications that dark matter might interact with more forces than gravity.

 _If that was the case, Cold Dark Matter was out and what was needed was more observation determining the rotation of_ —

"Weww, weww, Coopah," said Kripke as he approached the group. "Who wet in the hewp?"

With a frown Sheldon stepped away from Martha.

"What do you want, Kripke?" he growled.

"I thought you should know the patwons were vewy intewested in my stwing theowy wesearch."

"The donors are here because of their money not that they're scientific geniuses," Sheldon sniffed. "They couldn't tell a Nobel Prize winning idea from pseudoscience."

"They can, now," Kripke grinned. "All they have to do is wead my wesearch and then wead yours. Wight years diffewence. You can see for yourself when we're pubwished next month."

"'We're published'? In no way do I permit you to copy my work," said Sheldon, his eyes narrowing.

"Me and your ex-girlfwiend, woser."

"But she went through my notes and papers. Amy wouldn't have had the inspiration without my work!"

"Funny how you wooked at it and saw nothing and she takes a wook and finds something pawadigm-altewing," snorted Kripke.

"Yes, well, it's still a lost venture in the end," Sheldon sputtered.

"Just wike you. Actually, a few of the donors asked about you. I towld them you wan from stwing theowy with your tail between your wegs because it got too hawd."

"I did _not_ run! It'd obvious that string theory—"

"Hello Sheldon," said a familiar female voice which immediately straightened Sheldon's back even as it cut him off.

He turned to see Amy, who stood before him in a conservative length flowery dress and cardigan.

"Barry, could we have a moment?" she asked.

"Sure thing." He looked to Sheldon. "Water, woser."

"Sorry about that," she said after Kripke had left.

"He's always been like that," Sheldon scowled. "Why you chose to work with him is beyond contemptible."

Amy sighed.

"Sheldon, like I said before, you wouldn't have listened to my ideas." She shook her head. "I didn't want it to be this way. I wanted it to be like Madame Curie and her husband, working together to explain the universe, but I knew once you saw that Barry's work was further ahead than yours that dream was over."

"And then you stabbed me in the back."

"I supported your decision to abandon string theory," she amended. "What kind of girlfriend would I be if I kept talking about string theory when you were in crisis?" Sheldon's eyes narrowed.

"So you're saying that you did this for my benefit?" he snapped.

"I did it because I wanted you to notice me," Amy said evenly. "I wanted you to see what I could bring to our relationship if you quit being so selfish and childish. We have a relationship of the mind. No one can take that away from us and—"

"Hey," Martha said as she came to stand beside Sheldon. "I'm Doctor Martha Wallace from the humanities interdisciplinary department."

"Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler," the neurobiologist replied. As she said her name she saw Martha's eyes widen in recognition. "A friend of Sheldon's?"

"Girlfriend, actually."

"What a delight to finally meet you," Amy said evenly. "Penny and Bernadette told me all about you, you know, because that's what besties do. Watch each other's back."

"That they do," Martha agreed even as her eyes looked questioningly to Sheldon.

"I've been away studying addiction in monkeys," Amy continued. "Did you know that chimpanzees form short-term alliances with others by mutual support, sharing meat, and allogrooming? They do it to achieve dominance. And it isn't the largest and strongest who make it to the top. Teamwork can frighten and impresses much more effectively than a solo effort, wouldn't you say?"

"I'll keep that in mind should I ever meet a chimp," Martha said slowly.

"Well ninety eight point five percent of our nucleotides are similar," Amy said and then gave a quick smile.

"Ah." Martha took Sheldon's hand. "Well we better keep mingling. Nice to finally meet you, Amy." Before Amy could answer the pair departed.

"If only I had some feces to fling," Amy growled to herself.

XXX

Penny pretended to fix herself up in the mirror as other women washed their hands and primped themselves before heading out of the washroom. She felt some glares in her direction; she was used to them given how she looked but tonight they seemed wrong. Tonight was a donors' gala and people with money and people with brains were here. She knew she brought her looks but as the night went on and she kept getting stared at she found herself wishing she'd be approached because a donor thought she had something to say not because her boobs were nearly falling out of her dress.

A toilet flushed and then a moment later the door opened and Martha came out.

"Hey," Penny said brightly. Martha smiled and proceeded to wash her hands. "I meant to say that I really like your outfit. You and Sheldon really make a matched pair." She smirked. "Makes me wish Leonard and I could have dressed like a couple."

"You both look nice."

"We look like Leonard paid me five hundred bucks to attend this thing," Penny said with an amused expression. Martha laughed.

"Well, as a bright side, you might be responsible for the physics department getting the funding for the accelerator they're looking at," she said.

"I do it for science," Penny sniffed as she thrust out her bust and accented them with her hands.

Martha went to the dispenser and tore herself some paper towel. She thought for a moment before turning to Penny.

"Can I ask you a question about Amy?" she asked as nonchalantly as she could. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Shoot."

"Is she—okay?"

"Okay as in—"

"I mean mentally."

"Why?" asked Penny.

"Well, it's just that when I met her tonight I believe she insinuated that she'd fight me for Sheldon like a chimpanzee," said Martha carefully.

"Oh God," Penny said as she rolled her eyes. "Yeah, Amy can get a little whacko when it comes to monkeys." She shrugged. "I'm not going to say that Amy's normal. I mean hey, she dated Sheldon."

"I'm dating Sheldon," Martha said seriously.

"Yeah, but I mean when she dated him he was a lot more whacked than he is now."

"I met Sheldon nearly six years ago and if he was willing I would have jumped him on the first night," Martha said crisply. "I thought he was absolutely amazing. I still do."

"I'm glad," Penny flushed. "Don't get me wrong, I really love Sheldon. It's just that he can be—" She shook her head. "I sound like an idiot. Sheldon is amazing and you're gonna be on the ride of your life with him." Penny shrugged sheepishly. "Can we start again?"

"Sure."

"When I met Amy she immediately took a shine to me, which was kind of flattering at first, but then got really creepy with the bestie comments and how she said she'd let me shave any hair on her body and wanted to give me a nude portrait of the both of us."

"Really?"

"Let's not talk about it again," Penny said diplomatically. She hesitated a moment. "Look, you didn't hear this from me but, you're right, Amy is having second thoughts about dumping Sheldon." Pause. "So be careful."

"Understood." Martha tossed the paper towel into the garbage can. "Well, time to get out there and continue to whore myself for the university." Penny snorted.

"They call it 'higher learning' but somehow their eyes never get higher than my bust line," she chuckled.

"Maybe you should try plaid," suggested Martha as the pair exited the washroom.

XXX

Howard stood by the punch bowl watching the room. To be honest he'd lost count of how many cups of punch he had but it was enough to quell his agitation. He'd done his best to continue socializing with the donors; in fact it was their interest in what he had done that helped him get his mojo back. To lose the doubt.

He glanced over and saw Sheldon and Martha talking with a donor. Hands held. Sheldon probably bored out of his mind but he was still there supporting her. Howard realized that he didn't know that much about Martha but from what he did experience playing Rock Band and MWOK with her he liked. She was like Tracy and Dragan, doing geeky things with zest. No shame. No ridicule. She was the way she was. Just like how he and Raj and Sheldon used to be.

"Not Leonard," Howard slurred before taking another sip of punch.

He spotted Penny and Leonard. Actually it was easy to spot Leonard because he was on the outside of a small group of men who surrounded Penny. It was actually an apt metaphor for Leonard. He hung out with Raj and Howard and Sheldon but when Penny came along it was obvious he'd dump the three of them for a chance at landing her. Leonard was suddenly ashamed of who he was. Howard snorted. Then again, after meeting Leonard's mother the guy must have been ashamed of himself his whole life.

The men departed and Penny went over to Leonard. More likely than not she was treating what happened as nothing because, to her, being the center of attention wasn't a big deal. Penny was always attractive—indeed Howard spent many a lovely night with his hand and her image firmly in mind. But like most women he fantasized about she didn't fit. Yes, she was nice and, yes, she had a personality but Penny was a different world from the guys. She didn't go to conventions or watch Star Trek and she got drunk playing Dungeons and Dragons. She was about Vegas and roller skating and—

Howard stopped as he came to the realization that he had someone in his life who offered him the very same activities—Raj.

"Maybe I should have dated Raj," Howard snorted before taking another sip of his drink.

With Raj he always felt comfortable whether it was going to the market or beach or the tar pits. They did things outside of their usual geek pattern—and in that they were far healthier than Leonard and Sheldon—and they had fun even if their excursions didn't end in bed with a woman. No matter what crazy idea each had the other was ready to be the wingman.

Howard shook his head. Leonard tried too hard to be something he wasn't. But then again, who was Howard to criticize? How much had Howard given up to be with Bernadette? No more outings with Raj. No kite fighting or laser obstacle chess. Instead it was domestic bliss. Only it seemed as though there was more yelling than tranquility. Howard had given up his old self to be the man Bernadette wanted him to be.

He didn't want Leonard and Penny to make the same mistake.

Howard drained his cup and placed it on the table before venturing over to the couple.

"Hey Howard," said Penny with a smile.

"Don't marry Leonard," he said.

"What?" Leonard sputtered.

"And you, don't marry Penny."

"Howard, what the—"

"Don't be like Bernie and me," Howard continued. "Don't be afraid of being who you are. It's no way to live." Penny made to speak. "You," he said to her. "You need someone supportive of your changes not someone who whines about how it affects his fragile ego."

"Hey!" Leonard snapped.

"And you need someone who you can relate to," Howard told him. "Someone you actually believe won't leave you and actually likes you for who you are." Howard chuckled. "I never thought I'd say this but believe me, you need something more than sex to keep you together."

"We have more than sex, thank you very much!" Leonard growled. "Penny's kind and gorgeous and funny and the girl of my dreams."

"Like hell," Howard snorted. "The girl of your dreams wears a Star Trek uniform."

"That's juvenile."

"No, that's you. Only you're ashamed of being you and I'm telling you don't be."

"I'm not ashamed of Leonard," Penny added. "I love Leonard. He can do whatever he wants. Conventions. Dungeons and whatever. As long as it—"

"Doesn't involve you," Howard finished. "And you can do things Leonard doesn't like. The only thing is, when you measure up what you do and what Leonard does how much is left in the middle for the two of you do to together? And is it enough to keep you together for fifty years?"

"Hey guys," said Raj as Emily, Bernadette and he came to the group.

"Hi Raj," Leonard said in an angry tone. "Guess what? Howard doesn't think Penny and I should get married!"

"Why not?" asked Bernadette. "I think you make an—unique couple."

"He doesn't want us to be like you," Leonard continued before Penny gave him a sharp elbow to the arm.

Penny gave an overenthusiastic smile. "What Leonard means is that Howard—"

"What about me?" Bernadette asked Howard with a frown.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Bernie," Howard began.

"Don't smooth talk me, Howard Wolowitz! You've been nothing but a suck this entire night and if you think I'm going to go home with one—"

"Why the hell not? It's not like you're interested in going home with me!"

"What are you talking about?" Bernadette gasped.

"Oh, you say you want me but whenever I come home it's HO-WARD! this and HO-WARD! that" —here some people turned to see what the yelling was all about—"and then Howard disappears and it's the good little boy who gets his allowance. Who can't even do the dishes right. Even though he'd been into FRAKKEN SPACE!"

Bernadette turned and scurried from the room. After a moment Howard followed after her.

"Oh my god, Leonard, is that going to be us?" Penny said softly.

"Of course not," Leonard replied. "We've got a lot going for us."

"Funny how we can never think of anything beyond movies and sex."

"That's because we're busy people. I mean with your job you—"

"Why's it about my job?" Penny snapped. "Howard was right, you are insecure with my being successful!"

"No I'm not! I'm proud of you!"

As they argued Emily leaned over to Raj.

"Are your friends always this entertaining?" she whispered.

Raj's eyes opened, stunned at her words.

XXX

"So what's up?" asked Martha as she drove Sheldon home.

"Nothing worth mentioning," Sheldon replied flatly as he looked out the side window.

"O-kay then." Pause. "Thanks for coming out tonight. I guess all that literature stuff must have gotten to you."

"It's not that."

"Amy?"

"And Kripke."

"Yeah, I heard," said Martha with a frown. "What an asshole."

"He has every right to be," Sheldon said softly. "I spent twenty years in string theory and yet his work was superior." He snorted. "He said I must have been distracted by having intercourse with Amy."

"And were you? Distracted I mean?"

"We weren't having sex, no. But we were pair bonded. I spent more time on date nights and less at my whiteboard."

"Sounds like what you need is balance, Sheldon," said Martha as she signaled into the left lane.

"I had balance when I was gaming and otherwise pursuing my extracurricular activities." He cocked his head. "Odd that as soon as Amy came along my hobbies went to the wayside."

"Well, I'm not asking you to throw away your MWOK cards," Martha said seriously. "In case I wasn't clear about things, I've liked you from the moment I met you at the university social. Part of what made you so cool was all your hobbies and how incredibly smart you are." She glanced at him. "Things change in a relationship but people fundamentally shouldn't."

"I see," Sheldon nodded. "Amy changed as soon as we began to date. It seemed that I couldn't do anything right. What she wanted baffled me and when I attempted to do what she asked it wasn't 'right'. We went from a relationship of the mind to her conspiring with Kripke against me."

"Well you don't have to worry about Kripke and me writing a science fiction book together," said Martha. Silence. "Joke, Sheldon."

"I don't want us to end up like Amy and me," he said seriously. "If there's anything I cherished about my friendship with her it's the euphoric feeling of being understood." He looked at Martha. "You seem to understand me in ways that are different than what she did." Martha again glanced at him.

"Sheldon, if you told me you could fly I'd believe you." He snorted.

"That would either make you gullible or insane," he admonished lightly.

"Na, it just means that I see you, Superman," she winked.

The light turned red and the car came to a halt. Before Martha had time to register Sheldon's hand turning her face she felt his lips on hers. When they broke the kiss there was a moment when their eyes met and she found his intensity nearly overwhelming. And damn sexy.

"Now keep your eyes on the road," he said drolly. "I'd rather not die in a fiery crash."

"And you say you're not a romantic," Martha snickered as the light turned green and she drove off.

XXX

Howard took a breath before opening his apartment door. It was late and he wasn't sure if Bernadette was going to be up.

As he stepped in he saw that the bedroom door was open and that a reading lamp was on. He took off his shoes at the door just as the light clicked out in the bedroom and a moment later Bernadette came into the room.

"We have to talk," she said.

"You're right," he said and both went to the kitchen table and sat.

"I didn't appreciate what you said to me," Bernadette said. "You made it sound as if I'm some kind of wicked step-mother."

"Well, sometimes you are," Howard replied, tired.

"Well it wouldn't happen if you quit acting like a spoiled child."

"I'm not as childish as you seem to think I am."

Bernadette rolled her eyes. "Says the guy who had threesome sex with Raj and a comic book girl."

"That's not what I'm talking about," he countered. "Some things I did because I was young and stupid and incredibly horny and lonely—yeah, I admit that. But there were also things I did because I thought they were fun and cool." He sighed. "I got them all mixed together and tossed them all out the window to be with you."

"What are you talking about?!" Bernadette snapped. "Who supported you when you went into space?"

"I know, and I appreciate that." He shrugged. "But sometimes I feel that you're not proud of me."

"Howie, of course I'm proud of you," she said. "And that's besides the fact you went into space. I love my wittle tushie face."

They both smiled but it didn't reach their eyes.

"Bernie, when I see Leonard and Penny I keep seeing us."

"Really?" she gasped softly. "But they have nothing in common with each other."

"And we do because we do what couples do. We have dinner parties. We stay home and be domestic."

"Marriage is not all playtime and adventure, Howard."

"But it should be happy."

Bernadette sat back.

"You're saying you're not happy?" she snapped. "You think this has been a picnic for me? Raising my husband who plays with toys and collects comics?" Howard made to speak. "Who took time out to make you your Death Star cake? Who sat through those stupid movies with you? Played video games with you?"

"I don't want you to do this stuff to placate me, Bernie, I want you to do it because you like to do it," Howard said. "And I'm not saying that I want you to fake liking it, God no." His eyes dropped to the table before returning to her face. "It's just that I think we're faking a lot of things."

Silence.

"What are you saying?" Bernadette said.

"I guess that I want us to be happy and I don't think we're able to do that together." Howard sighed.

"I think you've had too much to drink tonight," Bernadette said shakily.

"Guess I can't hold my liquor and feelings of worthlessness in like Penny."

She stood. "If you're that miserable you should go."

Howard stood. "If you're that happy about us you should tell me to stay."

They stared at each other, both too afraid to speak.

Because they knew what each was going to say.

xTBBTx

anthropalomaredubehaviorbehave_2: Primate Behavior—Social Structure


	27. Chapter 27

Reference to: 'The Higgs Boson Observation'

xTBBTx

"So Howard and Bernadette are really separating?" gasped Leonard as Penny got off the phone.

"He's moved back in with his mother," Penny replied as she went for her purse. "Amy and I are off to see Bernadette."

"Okay." Leonard got off Penny's couch. "I'll call Raj and find out what's what. Guess that rules out moving stuff today." He sensed more than caught Penny's scowl. "Not that I'm saying our move takes precedent." He turned to her. "Is Amy picking you up or are you spending the night there?"

"Hel-lo! Have my own car here."

"It's not that. I just don't want you to drink and—"

She gave him a death glare. "I don't drink all the time. Although given the amount of encouragement I get it'd be no surprise if I did."

"You're not thinking about what Howard said last night, are you?"

"He was pretty smart."

"He was pretty drunk." Leonard went to the door before turning around. "I'm sure this thing with Bernadette will smooth itself out. I mean all couples have bumps in the road. We've had some and we're still together."

"You ever think you could do better?" Penny asked.

"Do you?"

"Of course not!" Penny and Leonard said at once.

They both smiled awkwardly and Leonard left the apartment and crossed the hall to his own. Sheldon was inside clacking away on his computer.

"Sheldon, there's a hitch to our plans today," Leonard began as he set his keys in the bowl.

"Leonard, you know that I'm not partial to change," tsked Sheldon. "In fact Martha and I are—"

"Howard and Bernadette are separating so I don't think Raj and he will be showing up." Leonard pulled out his phone and dialed Raj. "Hey Raj, how's Howard? ... Yeah no kidding. Listen, should we come over or... You sure? ... Okay." He hung up. "Things are still on," he told Sheldon. "Howard needs the distraction."

"Understood." Sheldon pursed his lips. "This really must be stressful for him. Hopefully Bernadette and he will reconcile."

"You didn't see them at the gala last night," said Leonard as he flopped into his chair. "The knives were really out."

"Huh. Given the way we all address each other it's surprising that either one of them took offence."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just an observation," said Sheldon as he resumed typing. "Since I've established an alternate social network I've noted that our group dynamic isn't as positive as it once was. We snit and poke and belittle where once we might have shared a joke."

"So now we're not as good as your new friends, huh?" Leonard said with a frown. "We're not perfect but neither are they."

"I'm not looking for perfection, Leonard, I'm looking for civility." Sheldon stopped typing. "If I've learned anything from having Tracy and Martha in my life it's that I've come to appreciate surrounding myself with people who understand me." He shrugged. "Amy and you understood me as best you could and I appreciate the sentiment. That's why it pains me that we aren't any closer than we are; in fact, if anything, we've drifted apart." He continued typing.

"Sheldon, just because I'm moving out doesn't mean that you're no longer my friend," Leonard said.

"If anything, our physical parting of the ways is symbolic of the emotional divide." Sheldon turned to Leonard. "I was afraid of you leaving because I thought that no one else would be my friend. But after meeting new friends I've come to realize that we haven't been friends for a while." Leonard made to speak. "The fault is as much mine as it is yours. You treat me like an inconvenience, a burden, someone you barely tolerate and I became more infantile in my behavior instead of standing up and putting you in your place." Sheldon shook his head in disgust. "I used to be so certain about everything, mostly because I was so sure of myself. As the years went by I found myself in a position where I questioned my work, my relationship, my friendships and myself." He looked at Leonard. "I might not have all the answers but I'm no longer questioning."

"So you don't want to be friends anymore?" Leonard asked incredulously.

"Of course I do. The question is, are you capable of being one—because I'll accept nothing less."

Sheldon returned to his writing. Leonard sat pondering in his chair.

"You aren't a cakewalk either, you know," Leonard said after a moment. "You're condescending, arrogant, stubborn, obsessive and bat-shit crazy from time to time."

"So why are you friends with me?"

Again Leonard thought.

"You're loyal, keep your word, honest, brilliant." Leonard gave a half smile. "I guess where it really counts you're okay."

"Your observations are sound even if your conclusion is off," said Sheldon distractedly as he typed. "I'm exceptional not 'okay'." Leonard chuckled.

"So, still friends?" he asked hesitantly. Sheldon stopped typing.

"No, we're not." He turned his head to his roommate. "But I want to be."

"Me too," Leonard said.

XXX

"So what happened?" asked Penny gently as Bernadette wiped her tears with a tissue.

"I don't know. First we were talking about how childish he is and then he tells me he's not happy and then before I know it he's packing a suitcase and heading to his mother's place." Bernadette dabbed her nose. "I don't know what went wrong. When I first met Howard he was wonderful. He only needed to grow up a little, y'know?"

"The hyperactive sexual comments," Penny nodded knowingly.

"He was just trying to be funny," sniffed Bernadette. "I mean other things like flying kites and buying toys and playing with printers and keeping his magic stuff." She shook her head. "I told him that he didn't need any of that and he put the stuff away and I thought everything was going great." She teared up. "And then he tells me he needs to play cards with strangers and spend money at stupid superhero conventions." She looked at Penny. "He said we're just like you and Leonard."

"Whoa, I wouldn't go that far," whistled Amy. "I mean, sure, you and Howard might have problems but they aren't insurmountable."

"What?" Penny gasped. "What's wrong with Leonard and me?"

"Bestie, quit being the center of attention. Bernadette needs our help." Amy patted Bernadette's knee. "Men can be particularly ungrateful when it comes to how much work we women put into them." She frowned. "Just look at Sheldon and everything I've done for him. Did he treat me with respect or fill my loins with his hot, piercing love? No. Instead he found himself a similarly regressed girlfriend who reads comic books, teaches literature and does zumba classes twice a week at Goodlife Fitness."

Penny looked at her. "How did you know Martha works out at Goodlife?"

"Penny. Focus," Amy said pointedly. "The fact is, our men are overgrown children."

"I dunno," Penny replied. "Leonard and I did a couple of Beta Lists of problems so we can clear them up."

"Oh please," said Bernadette as she blew her nose. "If you had to write out everything you two were incompatible about you'd still be writing."

"So how come Leonard and me are still together while Howard and Sheldon left?" Penny growled with a scowl on her face.

"Because you found a way to compensate," Amy said evenly.

"Speaking of that, I could really use a Penny solution about now," said Bernadette.

"I'll get the alcohol," said Amy as she got off the couch.

"Hey!" Penny snapped.

"What?"

Penny went to say something but suddenly found herself at a loss.

"I'll get the glasses," she mumbled and went to the kitchen.

xTBBTx

"HO-WARD! SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!"

"I GOT IT, MA!" Howard yelled as he came to the front door. He opened it and before him, to his surprise, was Penny.

"Hey," he said.

"I want to talk to you," she said coolly.

"Alright," he nodded even as he let her in the house. They went into the living room. "So, how's Bernadette doing?"

"How do you think she's doing? You left her!" Penny snapped.

"I didn't have any choice," Howard countered. "It's for the best."

"No, Bernadette is the best. Now get over there and apologize."

"I don't have anything to apologize for."

"Yeah? So why was she crying her eyes out last night?"

Howard opened his mouth but nothing came out. Instead he dashed up the stairs to his room.

"Shit," grumbled Penny and followed after him. "Howard," she called as she came to his closed door.

"Go away!"

She tried the door handle and, finding it open, entered his room. Howard was sitting on the end of his bed.

"Not finished telling me what a bad person I am?" he snapped. Penny sighed.

"Howard, I just don't get what's happening," she said as she leaned against the doorframe. "I mean—why? I've never seen you more happy than when you were with Bernadette."

"Better than when I was that sleaze ball, hypersexual douchebag?"

"Well yeah."

He looked up at her. "Thanks a lot." He shook his head. "Look at me: married, out of Ma's house, a great career. So many positive changes—and yet there was something bothering me but I wasn't sure what."

Howard stood up and went to his desk. He picked up a toy rocket before turning to Penny.

"When I was playing cards with Sheldon's friends it hit me. The guy I thought was crazy actually had a girlfriend who genuinely liked him. We went gaming with Martha and there were no eye rolls or nasty comments or pats on the head." He snorted. "Do you know among Sheldon's friends I'm actually the cool one? I've been to space. I built a robot. I speak fluent Klingon."

"You can't expect Bernadette to be into the same things as you," Penny said. "I mean Leonard's into all that and I couldn't care less about any of it."

"Ron's wife isn't into science fiction or gaming but she came to the post-paintball barbecue and brought jalapeno poppers and fresh rolls. She said hello and stayed and she might not get why her husband is into the things he is but she sees he's happy so she's okay with it." He put his rocket back on his desk. "They've all shown me that the old Howard isn't as bad as I thought."

"But you weren't happy," Penny said, confused.

"No, I was lonely," he amended. "And Bernie was just awesome and made me want to toss the old guy away. To be her leading man."

"You said she made you a better person."

"She made me grow up." He glanced out the window before returning his stare to Penny. "But after seeing Sheldon and his friends I don't think it was in the right way. It was her way. None of my knick-knacks and collectibles in the apartment. She controls the finances."

"Wait a minute," Penny interrupted. "You expected her to do the things your mother did."

"My mother was the only stable thing about my life," Howard shrugged. "I mean prostitutes and Comic Con adventures aren't exactly ways to find a stable relationship. I want a stable relationship." He sighed. "I want to build a rocket with my son. I don't want him to know that daddy has an allowance. I want him to be proud of his dad the astronaut." He grimaced. "I don't want to be put down for making less than my wife does or not having a doctorate."

"I didn't realize you were this unhappy," Penny said softly.

"Like you care," he snorted. Penny made to protest. "You said that Bernie was the only woman on the planet who'd ever be interested in me. You didn't give a damn about my feelings about the prenup. That I saw it as a backdoor exit to an easy divorce and after seeing what my mother went through the last thing I wanted was a divorce of my own." He took a breath to calm himself. "I didn't want to go into my marriage thinking about it falling apart."

"I'm sorry, Howard," Penny said.

"Maybe I'm being an idiot but I think that I should have a say in how I live my life. It can't be a tossup between what makes me, me, or a wife."

"Bernie said that you saw yourselves in Leonard's and my relationship. Am I really Bernadette?" Penny asked quietly.

"You have to understand, Leonard's been a geek his whole life. You're his chance to be normal. He has the cocktail parties and button down shirts and a hot fiancée. Things he's only dreamed about." Howard shrugged. "Maybe it'll work out for the two of you since there's so much about himself he loathes and wants to get rid of."

"I don't want Leonard to ditch everything," said Penny defensively.

"You're his dream girl, Penny, and sometimes people do some pretty fucked up things to keep that dream alive. Even when that dream isn't realistic." Howard went over to Penny. "When I see you and Leonard I see two people who love each other but don't understand each other. Who don't really see each other for who they are." He smiled grimly. "Trust me, that's no way to live."

"It's funny. Sheldon said that he was a dreamer. Said I was one, too."

"The difference is that when you guys dream you rely on your own talent to get you there. You're not dependent on someone for happiness." Howard gave a slight shrug. "I want to be a dreamer, too."

Not knowing what else to do. Knowing it was the right thing to do, Penny stepped forward and gave Howard a hug.

XXX

"Well, here you go, chum," said Martha as she pulled the car up to Sheldon's building.

"Thank you," he replied. Martha leaned over and he took the hint to kiss.

"You seem distracted," she said after it was over.

"Just verifying my current thought process," he said evenly.

"And what's your algorithm saying?" Martha smiled.

"I'd like very much if you stayed the night."

"Really? I mean, sure!" she grinned as she put the car in gear and went to find a spot in the visitor's parking.

"You don't have to sound so astounded," Sheldon tsked as she parked.

"I'm not astounded, I'm delighted." They got out of the car and proceeded down the sidewalk. "So will you be spending the night in Leonard's room again?"

"My bed is more comfortable," Sheldon replied. "The quality of his mattress is questionable." He looked at Martha. "Bazinga."

They entered the building and went up to his apartment. They opened the door to darkness save for the lone light on in the hall.

"Leonard must be here," Sheldon said, annoyed. "What a time to have a fight with Penny."

"You want to take a rain check on us?" asked Martha.

"Rain check my sweet patootie," Sheldon tsked as he took her hand and led her to the washroom. He went to the cupboard underneath the sink and came back with an unopened toothbrush.

"For you," he said. He gestured at the line of tape in front of the wash stand. "Please stay behind the line while you brush. When you're done place your toothbrush in this container. I'll sterilize it later."

"Thanks," she said with a little smile.

"I'll get you a towel and housecoat so you can shower."

"I thought we'd shower in the morning."

"Not if we're planning on having intercourse," Sheldon admonished. He stepped in and kissed her. "And I've most definitely scheduled it in."

"Aye, aye, Captain Clean."

After she'd finished showering and brushing her teeth Martha went to Sheldon's room. The physicist was waiting with his towel in hand.

"My turn," he said and darted from the room.

Martha sat on the bed and took a deep breath as she looked at his comic book collection on his shelf and the various action figures and statues around the room. She couldn't believe that she'd find someone as passionate about comic books as he was smart. When they met the first time it was like winning the lottery. Going back to his place, nirvana. Then when he left her in this room while Abby and Raj made out in the living room it was painful. Looking at the blend of physics awards and knick-knacks and superhero action figures she was heartbroken that he wasn't interested in her.

He was interested now.

With a smile, Martha took off her housecoat, slipped into bed, and waited.

Sheldon dried himself off after his shower. As he brushed his teeth he thought about all he had read online— the book on sexuality Penny and Leonard got him was deplorably basic—and his extracurricular activities with Elizabeth. He knew that he wanted to do this right, but realized that more than anything it had to be fun. Even when things were physically awkward with Elizabeth she roleplayed straight through them and made him feel comfortable. Willing to take chances. Learn about himself and his likes and dislikes.

Amy might have opened his mind to the idea of sex but Elizabeth showed him the possibilities.

For Sheldon Cooper, nothing was impossible.

He cleaned himself up and returned to his room, opened the door and stepped in dramatically wearing nothing but a towel around his waist.

"Aquaman has returned," he quipped and closed the door.

"Aquaman, huh?" Martha chuckled as he turned off the light and made his way to the bed. "Gee, I don't know about this. My boyfriend might not be impressed."

"Boyfriend?" Sheldon scoffed as he folded his towel and set it aside before climbing into bed. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. "The king of Atlantis doesn't share." They kissed and kissed heavily.

"But you never asked my name," Martha gasped as they parted. "I'm Lois. Lois Lane."

Sheldon paused before he rolled them to her back and began administering little kisses to her flesh.

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Lane," he said. "So tell me about your boyfriend."

"Well, by profession he's a physicist—"

"A nerd."

"He's too brilliant to be a nerd." She gasped as he sucked at her neck. "He likes comic books and Star Trek and playing"—she giggled at his touch—"card games."

"Sounds like a geek."

"Probably. But I'm a geek, too."

Sheldon propped up on his elbows.

"Really?" he smirked. "Did I tell you that I'm a member of the Justice League?"

"That's a coincidence. So's my boyfriend."

"Hmm. Now that's interesting." He began to administer to her breasts. "Is it Bat-Man? He's got the cool car and lots of gadgets women like."

"Not Bat-Man," she sighed as she closed her eyes. "Although he can be as focused when he's working."

"Okay, is it Green Arrow?"

"Nope."

"Oh God, don't tell me it's that weenie Green Lantern," Sheldon groaned before kissing her belly.

"Definitely not," she laughed. "Shall I give you a hint?" She hummed the first few bars of the Superman theme song.

"Really? You're dating that boy scout?"

"You don't know him the way I do," Martha sighed softly as he went further down her body.

"Oh, I don't know about that," Sheldon said with a slight twang. "He told me he remembers the first time he saw Christopher Reeve playing Superman. Six years old, he went all by himself to a comic book store to learn more. Brad, the owner, called Ma, who came to pick the little boy up. They bought a few comic books and he brought them home. He read them over and over even though he has an eidetic memory. Crisis on Infinite Earths. Different worlds. Dimensions. Completely in line with the possibilities he was reading about in physics books. The writers who believed like he did that in an infinite number of universes anything was possible."

Sheldon attended to her in a way that made her toes curl.

"He often felt like he was from Krypton," he continued as he worked. "That's why he didn't understand the cultural norms of the planet. But when his parents' marriage imploded he pulled himself up by his bootstraps and got out of grade school and Galveston, left the country for Germany as a visiting professor and ultimately settled down at Caltech to continue his career."

Sheldon felt her stiffen even as she let out a lingering groan but still he pressed on.

"People always treated him differently. He didn't understand why at the time but as he's grown older he got the punch line. Smelly Pooper the freak wunderkind who reads comic books and doesn't get sarcasm."

He got to his knees, propping his hands on her knees as her legs were drawn but spread wide.

"Up until I met Amy it never bothered me. She said that my comic books were 'lame-o' and pushed me to do other things less 'geeky'. Pushed me into physical intimacy when I wasn't ready." He snorted. "The worst thing is that I let her change me. Some for the better. A lot for the worse. My career suffered. I delved less into my hobbies. There became a divide where it was Amy or my old life and I didn't want to be alone. And then I was, despite my changes." Pause. "I wasn't good enough.

"As I think about it now I can understand why," he said as Martha reached for his hands. "I wasn't myself. And Sheldon Lee Cooper is a force to be reckoned. Eidetic memory. IQ of at least one hundred and eighty seven. I'm not a snuggle bunny or a sexy toddler. I'm the Man of Steel." Another pause. "It unnerves me when you see things in me I don't normally share." His eyes flashed to her face. "I refuse to be anything other than myself."

"And you're absolutely perfect," Martha replied as she pulled him to her. "So, Superman, show me how they do it on Krypton."

As they began their love-making, on the other side of the wall Penny sniffled as she lay in Leonard's bed. She had listened to what was said and it was the most beautiful thing she had heard. The greatest compliment.

Howard had once told Bernadette that she made him a better man. Sheldon offered Martha nothing but Sheldon but he was appreciated for who he truly was. Arrogant and kind. Geeky and brilliant. Sheldon was honest about it and Martha had truly listened. There was no criticism, only acceptance. A connection.

Penny thought back to what brought her to California—the pursuit of being a film star. Not an actress, a star. As she learned more about her craft, however, she found a passion for it, one that lead to nearly ten years of poverty row struggling as a waitress in order to support her dream.

Now her passion was her friends. Leonard. She looked at his sleeping form. Thinking about what had transpired between her friends she wondered if she was putting all her eggs in Leonard's basket like Amy and Bernadette had with their guys. If Leonard and she broke up, who'd be her friends? Where did her old friends go? What would she do with herself? What happened to dancing and the beach and rollerblading and—

 _Was my old life that bad?_

She thought about the overdue bills and the humiliating auditions. _No wonder I partied so much._ Things were most definitely better now. _So why am I drinking more than I did back then?_

Penny was now a pharmaceutical rep. She loved that she was a success. But this was any old success. She could have been in any career if it paid like this one did and she would have been as happy as a pig in shit.

Sheldon was wrong. Penny wasn't a dreamer. She grew up. Because people can't always get what they want.

She heard the gasps of climax from next door.

"We all can't be Superman," she whispered.

xTBBTx

Amy arrived early at the university. She quietly made her way down the hall in the physics department until she stopped at a familiar door. Taking out the key she'd copied from her purse she unlocked it and stepped into the world of Sheldon Cooper. She turned on the lights and, with pursed lips and grim determination, went to his desk. She picked up his stapler and licked it before rubbing the phone receiver in her arm pit.

As she continued scenting his desk she thought about her year in Chicago. She had been alone. Yes, she'd made a couple of acquaintances but nothing happened on the romantic part. Now to have Sheldon back here like Casanova—

"Intolerable," she grumbled.

He was living the life she'd envisioned for the both of them. His science was pushed to the side as he was now a junior professor. A stable career for settling down and bearing offspring.

The coitus. It was a mantra she said to herself whenever he did something to upset her. TheCoitusIsComing. TheCoitusIsComing. And it did come—to someone else.

Why was it such a fight for her to get Sheldon to do what she wanted? Amy might not respect him but he was all she had to work with. Step one was re-establishing their relationship of the mind. Something his current girlfriend wouldn't understand. A sneer came to Amy's lips. Humanities. How quaint. Not that she would have to put up with that trollop for long. After all, getting rid of Martha was step two.

Amy finished up her business and exited the office.


	28. Chapter 28

Reference to: 'The First Pitch Insufficiency'

xTBBTx

Penny came into the laundry room to find Sheldon folding his laundry.

"Hey," she said with a little smile and went to a washer. She dumped in her basket of clothes and added soap before starting the machine. Penny then turned to her neighbor. "So how are you doing?"

"Exceptionally well," he replied as he folded a shirt. He paused before raising an eyebrow. "Is this where I respond with an equally banal comment of 'how are you?' or are you expecting me to be more forthcoming?"

"Yup, you're normal," she snorted. Sheldon rolled his eyes and continued working. "Sad to hear about Howard and Bernadette."

"Their hardship is unfortunate but perhaps it was for the best."

"I guess," she sighed. "Funny how I thought they were such a perfect pair."

"Hardly," sniffed Sheldon. "Over the past year I can't recall a single social night where Bernadette hasn't said something particularly invective about Howard." Sheldon set a t-shirt down to regard her. "Besides, the dating website said that Amy and I were perfectly suited and look what happened to us." He shrugged. "Another situation which has worked out for the better and I can honestly say that I've never felt more comfortable with someone on an intimate level as I do with Martha." He resumed folding. "If we're talking about a general sense of comfort, however, Beverly Hofstadter still ranks at the top."

"That's weird," said Penny as she leaned against the washer. "I mean Martha is really different than you and Beverly and Amy."

"Martha and I are not that dissimilar," Sheldon objected. "We both like comic books, plaid, laser tag, science fiction and fantasy books, movies and television shows, chicken fried steak—"

"Yeah but you and Amy were all Counterfactuals and science stuff." He shrugged.

"Amy also assisted Kripke. And she didn't like comic books."

"People make mistakes and have different preferences," Penny said. "That doesn't mean things can't work out between them."

Again Sheldon looked to his neighbor. "Are you suggesting I 'dump' Martha and return to Amy?"

"Of course not! I mean, you seem really happy."

"I am happy. My work is starting to show signs of progress; I have someone to drive me to new comic book night once Leonard moves out."

An uncomfortable feeling began to creep into Penny.

"So as much as you had in common with Amy it wasn't enough," she pressed.

"We had fundamental differences." Sheldon sighed. "I liked Amy well enough. We got along wonderfully when she was my girl/friend but not my girlfriend." He began folding his socks. "Thing changed when we started dating. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was wrong, only that I was occasionally disconcerted and oftentimes confused by what was happening." A slight frown came to his brow. "I was constantly pushed outside of my comfort zone and I found it easier to relent rather than fight."

"You, give in?" Penny scoffed.

"I didn't want to lose her," he shrugged. "She was the best girlfriend I was going to have and I liked being in a relationship." He pursed his lips. "Only now I question what kind of relationship we were in. To her I was a sexy toddler in need of correction. I don't like that. I wasn't infantile before we pairbonded."

"Whatever, Sheldon. You've always been stubborn, cocky and snarky."

He paused in his work to give Penny a stern look.

"I'm a once in a generation intellect, Penny. Of course I'm stubborn, arrogant and condescending, I'm surrounded by lesser minds." Penny rolled her eyes and he returned to his laundry. "I was led to believe that my other interests were juvenile and beneath my intellectual standing and should be replaced with more 'grown up' activities to bring our relationship 'to the next level'." He piled up his socks and started in on his underwear. "In contrast, since Martha and I have so many hobbies in common our extracurricular activities are more enjoyable which makes me more conducive to doing—other things."

"Yeah, I'll bet," Penny smirked. "So the germs don't bother you anymore?"

"No, they still do." Again he shrugged. "I guess a benefit of Amy giving me no choice regarding physical intimacy was that I thought a lot about it. How I could adapt or at least cope with intercourse so as to make it at least somewhat pleasurable."

"And the genius figured it out."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Penny, I'd have to lose fifty IQ points to be a genius."

Although Penny smiled the nagging feeling hadn't disappeared. She watched her friend folding his clothes.

"Sheldon, do you think marrying Leonard is a mistake?" she asked at last. He straightened but said nothing. "Sheldon."

"You already know my feeling on the matter," he said.

Penny frowned. "So if you think this is gonna be a disaster why did you tell Leonard's mom that I was okay?"

"The two ideas are mutually exclusive." He began putting his folded clothes into the laundry basket. "Because I think your marriage to Leonard will be a disaster doesn't mean I don't think you're 'okay'." He glanced at her. "In fact I told Beverly that you were over and above any reasonable expectation Leonard had for a mate."

"But we still won't make it."

"No."

"Why?"

"Penny, when I met you I worried about your disorganization. As we became friends I was concerned about your lack of sufficient funds and adamant adherence to acting even in the face of not having had an acting job in the two years you'd been in California. As the years have gone by my worries have changed. At first it was about you hurting Leonard. Then it was about how much you're drinking. I worried about how I should talk to you since your sarcasm and cynicism have increased to a devastating degree." He frowned. "You frequently tell me to shut up. Granted there are times when I don't 'get it' but not all the time. Now I'm worried that these new patterns will define not only your relationship with Leonard but also how you deal with others."

He folded his folding aid and put it in the basket before turning to Penny.

"Part of the reason why I stayed with Amy was because of you and Leonard," he said.

"What? Why?" Penny asked, floored.

"Because as unorthodox and trying as our relationship was we weren't nearly as 'messed up' as the both of you. Amy and I had a friendship at the foundation. All you had was Leonard pining for you and stealing your mail so he could talk to you."

"I said to Leonard that I was scared that we had nothing in common," Penny said quietly. "He said that we loved each other so things would work out."

"Perhaps." Sheldon took up his basket and went to the door before turning around. "If it means anything I loved Amy and now I can't say I even like her."

He left Penny to her wash.

xTBBTx

Sheldon twitched as he sat in his office chair but kept reading.

He wrinkled his nose.

His lip curled.

He set down his tablet and straightened the stapler on his desk. He returned to reading.

A moment and then he became a flurry of action as he straightened everything on his desk a fraction of an inch here and there with a frown on his face.

A knock at the door and he looked up to see Amy.

"What are you doing at the university?" he asked as he opened his drawer to get his hand sanitizer.

"I'm looking over the results of the experiment I advised on before we submit it for publication," she replied.

"I see." He felt more at ease as he rubbed an inordinate amount of sanitizer into his hands.

"Sheldon, I'd like to talk to you."

"Alright."

As she came into the room he got out of his seat and turned his whiteboard around so she couldn't see his equations.

"I'm not going to steal your work," she said with a slight frown.

"Well there's no point worrying about the cookies if the jar isn't here," he twanged as he returned to his seat.

"Point," Amy conceded. "First of all I'd like to congratulate you on attaining your junior professorship. You're satisfied with your move out of string theory?"

"Very much so. Exploring unfamiliar territory is both daunting and liberating."

"With your staggering intellect and tenacity I know you won't be denied."

"True."

"Additionally, I'd like to again apologize for assisting Kripke. While I admit it did satisfy my intellectual curiosity I should have had more regard for you despite your status as 'not my boyfriend'," Amy said.

"Thank you," Sheldon replied. "I admit this act caused me to re-evaluate my feelings for you in regard to our friendship status"—here his voice lowered—"and other things."

"Sheldon, I was most sincere when I told you I loved you. I just needed you to take our relationship seriously."

"I was serious. I loved you."

"You never treated me like you loved me," Amy said. "You constantly deflected and deflated any attempt on my part to establish emotional intimacy and physical bonding. It was your way or no way and I knew we couldn't continue unless you knew that we were partners."

"But we weren't partners," Sheldon said firmly. "Once we deviated from the relationship agreement we proceeded according to your edicts. Date night clothes and hand-holding and harp sing-a-long nights."

"You kissed me, Sheldon. You said you love me. Of course I wanted more—unless you're telling me none of that meant anything."

"Of course it did," he scowled. "You were my friend and then my girlfriend. One label didn't supersede the other—I thought I was fortunate to have found someone that encompassed both."

"I'd like to rekindle our friendship," Amy said. Sheldon's eyes widened in surprise. "I'd like to prove to you that I truly do value you and am worth your trust." He sat back in his chair.

"I don't know what to say," he said at last.

"It's almost lunch. Let's discuss this, perhaps 'catch up', over a meal," she smiled sweetly. "For old time's sake."

"Alright." Sheldon closed his laptop and got up from his seat. He was almost to the door when he dashed back to his desk and repositioned his phone before exiting.

XXX

Martha: One of my students gave her presentation on John Donne today. She said, and I quote:

Martha: "I noticed that in his poetry he used a lot of the same words. I dunno, maybe they didn't have as many words back then."

 _scooperphd: I weep for humanity. Or is it the humanities? Bazinga._

Martha: I think part of what makes a good professor is how she keeps a straight face.

 _scooperphd: In that case Amy would make an astounding professor. In fact she said that there was an opening to teach in Chicago._

Martha: You were talking to Amy?

 _scooperphd: She dropped by my office today. Apparently she had some findings to go over._

Martha: Apparently. So what did you talk about?

 _scooperphd: She apologized for aiding Kripke and then took me to lunch in order to discuss the potential of rekindling our friendship._

Martha: And what did you say?

 _scooperphd: I left things as they are. I found myself hesitant to start over despite her assurances that she'd never betray me again._

Martha: In other words you don't trust her.

 _scooperphd: I suppose. Although Leonard betrayed me and yet I'm still acquainted with him._

 _scooperphd: I did enjoy Amy in a friendship capacity._

 _scooperphd: But then she helped out Kripke. Unforgivable._

Martha: So why did you go out for lunch with her?

 _scooperphd: It was lunch time. She offered to pay._

 _scooperphd: Besides I needed closure._

Martha: You get it?

 _scooperphd: I'm satisfied._

Martha: Good. Well, I've got to turn in. Night.

 _scooperphd: Goodnight Martha._

Martha shut off her phone with a scowl on her face.

Sheldon put down his phone on his nightstand. He paused but for a moment before turning off the side lamp.

XXX

Amy sighed happily as she lay in bed. Talking with Sheldon rekindled a lot of feelings for her. She'd forgotten how enthralling his presence was. His intellect. Sense of humour. And she made him laugh. Just like old times.

She knew that she needed another reason to see Sheldon at work in order to get him alone. Amy thought about visiting Penny and 'bumping into Sheldon' at the apartment but he'd probably be with _her_.

Martha, Martha, Martha. Didn't she know that Amy and Sheldon were destiny as if they were scripted to be together on a soap opera? Sure, there were bumps in the road but people like Martha were merely obstacles. Amy and Sheldon were true love.

Amy turned off her light and snuggled with her rice Sheldon.

xTBBTx

"This better be the last load," Leonard sighed tiredly as he flumped into his stuffed chair.

"We can call it the last load and EBay off anything else of yours we find," Tracy replied sweetly from the couch.

"Maybe I'll take a look around," Leonard said and dragged himself off to his room.

Penny and Amy entered the apartment.

"Where's Leonard?" Penny asked.

"Checking over the apartment to see if he left anything," Tracy replied.

"Prudent," said Amy. She cocked her head. "You're the robot girl from the comic book convention."

"Borg. That I am. And you are?"

"Amy Farrah Fowler. Penny's bestie," she said evenly. "I see that Sheldon has managed to surround himself with likeminded females who reinforce his penchant for childhood activities and memorabilia with skin tight body suits and pseudo-alien languages."

Tracy's smile froze. "Pretty much. Not everyone can work wool and polyester so we do what we can."

Leonard came down the hall just as Sheldon, Martha, Dragan, Ron, Kim, Howard and Raj came up the stairs.

"Last stop, Vertiform City," Dragan said cheerily. "Everybody off or rest in peace."

"Thank goodness," sighed Sheldon "Now I can finally give this place a cleaning."

"I can give you a hand," said Amy.

"Uh, actually I need your help," Penny said quickly.

"Yeah, Sheldon and I have this covered," Martha said.

"Besides, I already said I'm staying," added Tracy.

Leonard rested his hand on his chair. "You sure this can't come?"

"Not a chance," snorted Penny.

"No room for it in the truck anyways," said Howard.

"Now are we going to get going so we can have pizza?" said Dragan.

"Better get him fed before he gets cranky," Kim chuckled.

As one, everyone save Martha, Sheldon and Tracy filed out of the room. Tracy closed the door after them.

"Let me go get my box of rubber gloves," said Sheldon and he went to his room.

"Thanks for helping," said Martha to Tracy as she went for a broom. "You guys were terrific."

"We work best when a shipmate is in need," Tracy replied as she sat on the arm of the couch. "And believe me when I say that anything that gets Leonard the hell out of the apartment is worth the effort."

"You really don't like him, do you?"

"Leonard does things for Leonard. He's screwed over a friend of mine and from what I gather he's pulled a few over Sheldon, so keep an eye out."

Martha went behind the couch and began sweeping. "Were you talking with Amy?"

"Penny's friend? A little bit." Tracy shrugged. "Kind of weird."

"Yeah, that was my thought." Pause. "Sheldon and her used to go out."

"Really? That's awkward."

Martha stopped to regard Tracy.

"Awkward is her showing up at the university out of the blue and having lunch with him," she said.

"You know that Sheldon is a little obtuse about things, right?" Tracy said, her tone equally as serious. "Socially he can get things ass-backwards but that doesn't mean he doesn't care."

"I know." Martha smiled grimly. "Guess I better keep my rabbit away from the microwave."

"Martha?" Sheldon called from his bedroom. "Does your latex allergy stem beyond your lady parts to your hands? Because all I seem to have are latex gloves."

Both women chuckled before Martha went off to see her boyfriend.

XXX

"Well, the faster we get this done the faster we can get out of here," Penny said as she mopped her empty living room. "It'll be weird not coming to the building every day."

"But it's not like we won't ever be over again," Amy added hurriedly as she wiped down the walls.

"I guess. But it is Sheldon's place."

"I realize that."

"And, uh, Martha will be there."

"Sheldon and I have already had a talk. We are on our way to resuming our friendship," said Amy evenly even as she dunked her mop head into the wash bucket.

"That's great," Penny said, although inwardly she thought it was anything but. "Still, I'm sure they'll want their space."

"In order to secure their bond," Amy said crisply. "The desire to make a nest is particularly strong in fertile women. I imagine you must be excited now that you and Leonard are about to cohabitate."

"We'll finally be a couple," Penny replied before stopping her mopping. "I mean, not that we aren't a real couple now. It's just that it'll be more final. You know, no backing out."

Amy turned to her. "Backing out?"

"Who said anything about backing out?" Penny scrubbed the floor extra hard. "I mean, sure, couples all have their doubts and stuff—"

"Are you having doubts?"

"Of course not!" Penny rested on her knees before dipping her brush in the wash bucket. "Leonard is a perfectly nice guy. We have a good, boring kind of love but that's okay. I mean I could have done a lot worse."

"And Leonard couldn't have done any better." Amy continued mopping the walls. "Rather balances out when you think about it."

Penny thought about it as she continued to scrub the floor.

She might not be the best at math but even she knew that the numbers were off on the scale.

And as Sheldon said, numbers don't lie.


	29. Chapter 29

Reference to: 'The Commitment Determination'; 'The Higgs Boson Observation'

xTBBTx

"How's your mother taking the break-up?" Leonard asked as he finished lunch.

"About as well as can be expected," sighed Howard. "It's been a bit awkward since Stuart's still living there but since he's taking care of Ma I suppose it's working out."

"So what time are we starting the move?" asked Raj.

"I told Bernadette we'd be there at seven."

"You need any help?" Leonard asked.

"There's not much stuff to move," Howard replied. "Besides, you're still moving in."

Leonard rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's been fun trying to get the apartment organized."

"I told you I could have provided an organizational system instead of letting Penny toss things into a box willy-nilly," tsked Sheldon.

"That's just her way," said Leonard. "I mean, sure, I had to hunt through six boxes labeled 'living room' to find the tv remote but it was no big deal."

"So you saw Agents of Shield last night?" asked Raj.

"No," Leonard pouted.

"I have it DVR'd," said Sheldon as they all stood. "You can come to the apartment at some point and watch."

They all got rid of their lunch trays and garbage before saying their adieus.

"I have to visit the department office," said Leonard so both he and Sheldon trekked together through the halls.

"Leonard, are you happy?" Sheldon asked.

"Very much."

Sheldon took a moment to phrase his next question.

"Are you sure you couldn't think of anything more pleasing like winning the Nobel Prize or getting chosen to pull the sword out of the stone at Disney World?"

"Not really."

They arrived at Sheldon's door. He unlocked it and hesitated.

"Do you think Penny could think of something more pleasing than what's she's doing now?" he asked.

"I hope not." Leonard's eyes narrowed. "Why are you asking?"

"No reason," Sheldon said hurriedly and entered his office.

"Did Penny say anything?" asked Leonard as he followed him inside.

"Why would she say anything to me? I'm her quaternary friend after Amy, Bernadette and you." Sheldon turned to his whiteboard to hide his eye twitch. "To say that she would say anything to me and not you implies that I'm higher in the order of things and we both know that's not true." Leonard made to speak. "I've got to get back to work before I lose my train of thought."

"Okay," scowled Leonard. "I'll see you later."

When the door closed Sheldon let out a breath.

Deflecting the truth was better than lying. But that didn't mean he liked it.

XXX

Bernadette sat on the couch drinking a glass of wine. For the last forty five minutes Raj and Howard were busy packing and carrying out Howard's stuff. Whenever they went downstairs she'd get off the couch to look over the apartment. A few miniscule changes aside it looked basically the same. Plain. Magazine-like. All the touches of character were packed away in Howard's boxes and suitcases.

The door opened and this time it was only Howard who entered.

"We're all set," he said quietly. He went over to the couch and handed her his apartment keys.

"Howie, can we talk?"

He sat. Silence.

"Maybe we just need some time," she said.

"Maybe."

More silence.

"Dad wants me to file for separation."

Howard nodded.

"I'll sign whatever you give me, Bernie."

Bernadette nodded.

Howard got up to go.

"It wasn't always bad, was it?" she asked.

"No," he said. "It just wasn't real."

XXX

"Well that was a nice meal," Leonard said overenthusiastically as he dried a plate.

"It was tuna fish sandwiches," Penny smirked as she washed.

"Still, it's the point that we made dinner together and ate together. Happy."

"Eyah." Penny inwardly sighed. "Leonard, is this another awkward start up to something even more awkward?"

"Funny you should ask." He set the plate in the cupboard. "I was talking with Sheldon today. He asked me the oddest question—am I happy?" Now Penny inwardly swore. "Then he went on to ask if you were happy." He gave an odd smirk. "Funny he should ask, don't you think?"

Penny rinsed a glass and set it in the drain tray.

"Well you know Sheldon, always curious," she said. Leonard took the glass , dried it and put it away. "So how do you think things are going?"

"Honestly? The happiest I've ever been in my life," he said cheerily. "I've worked with Stephen Hawking, have a beautiful fiancée and I'm free of Sheldon. Things are absolutely perfect." Leonard took in Penny's stiff smile. "Don't you agree?"

That seemed to wake Penny.

"Of course I do!" she said.

"Only...?"

"I'm scared. I mean I love you and so I know it's not a mistake but at the same time I'm really hoping this isn't a mistake, y'know?" Penny sighed as she rinsed the cutlery and put them in the drain tray.

"How could it be a mistake?" Leonard smiled. "We've known each other eight years. Plus we've done two beta lists to fix everything up."

Penny nodded as she let out the dish water.

"You're right," she said. "There's nothing we don't know about each other. We've cleared the decks so there's nothing to bite us in the ass."

Leonard's smile vanished.

"Yeah, about that," he said hesitantly. "There's something I should tell you."

"Your name's actually Miguel Sanchez and you only pay in cash?" Penny chuckled as she dried her hands on a tea towel.

"No, it's about my Hawking trip."

"Sheldon's dream was right and you were almost eaten by a kraken?"

"Nobody ate anybody," Leonard said quickly. He took in Penny's 'no duh' face. "It's just that, there was this party. Actually we partied a lot on the ship. Alcohol. Like the bad boys do."

"Didn't your mommy tell you that physics and booze don't mix?" smiled Penny as she went to the corner and picked up a 'kitchen' labeled box and set it on the table.

"She should have," he said seriously. "You see, there was this girl..." Penny stopped what she was doing and slowly turned to him. "I mean nothing happened. We were both drunk and I was feeling sea sick and then we kissed." He saw Penny's face redden. "I mean it wasn't anything. In fact she tasted like cigare—"

"Are you kidding me?!" she roared. Leonard took a step back.

"It didn't mean anything. I—"

"You're telling me I waited for you and missed you and you were busy sticking your tongue down another girl's throat?" Leonard made to speak. "Didn't she know you had a girlfriend? Didn't _you_ know you had a girlfriend?"

"Penny, it was just a kiss. I stopped it before anything else happened and—"

Penny blanched. "Oh my fucking God this is just like that Alice chick!"

"That was different!"

"Sure it was," snorted Penny. "Priya was away. An opportunity came along and you took it."

"That was a mistake."

"So this wasn't?"

"Of course it was! Penny, it didn't mean anything."

"It does to me." She took a step towards him, pointing a finger. "You're the one always freaking out whenever I talk to a guy or go to school with a guy or work with a guy like you think I'm gonna dump you or take them out to the car for a quickie, yet the moment you're away from your girlfriends you cheat?"

"There's cheating and then there's cheating," he countered. "I didn't do—"

"You think there's levels of being a cheating-ass douche?" Penny said incredulously. "You think if this was reversed and I kissed a co-worker that you'd be okay with it?" She squared her jaw. "Sheldon was right. "

"What did Sheldon say?" scowled Leonard.

"Schrodinger's Cat."

"I don't get what you're saying." He took in her 'junior rodeo on' glare and inwardly cringed.

"Then you should leave and think about it." She pointed to the door. "And it'll take a few days for me to think this out so don't rush back. Since I'm, you know, not a genius."

"Penny I never said—"

"And you never cheated, either. Save it, Leonard."

Penny walked into the bedroom and closed the door.

A moment later and Leonard made his way out of the apartment.

xTBBTx

Martha sighed as she walked through the parking garage. She always found these eight am meetings brutal, especially since her brain never really engaged until ten in the morning—a reason why she never had classes that started any earlier than eleven thirty.

She exited the building and headed along the concrete pathway that was empty save for the scattering of a few bleary-eyed and coffee-carrying students. As she came up to the sciences buildings she thought about the post-it notes she had for Sheldon that were shaped like the bubbles from comic book dialogue.

"What the heck," she shrugged and took the path to the physics building.

Martha made her way to Sheldon's floor and walked to his office. As she turned the corner she saw that his office door was open and the light was on. With a big grin she came up to his door only to gasp as she saw Amy at his desk rubbing the telephone receiver in her armpit.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" Martha snapped.

"I could ask you the same question," Amy said evenly as she set the receiver back in the cradle.

"I'm his girlfriend," Martha said. She thought about taking a step into the room but given Amy's behavior... "Does Sheldon know you're here?"

"Oh, he knows. Every time he enters here and uses the stapler or touches a drawer handle he knows I'm here."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"It's not like I see you in here." Amy came out from behind the desk. "I see a lot of _her_ but not you."

"Who's 'her'?"

"The harlot Sheldon saw behind my back. He was seeing her when I met him. For the longest time I was in competition with her." Amy pursed her lips. "It took me nearly three years to get him away from her but even then they stayed friends." She smirked at Martha. "You think you and Sheldon have something?"

"We do," Martha growled.

"Then why are they seeing each other again?"

"I don't believe you."

Amy shrugged. "Believe what you want. You don't engage him intellectually so don't be surprised when he leaves you for her—because he will. In fact, it might be smart if you severed your relationship with Sheldon."

"I'm calling security," snapped Martha.

"Call away." Amy picked up her purse from the desk and went to the door. "It's not like it'll change anything."

Martha moved aside to let Amy out of the office. She pulled out her phone and called security.

XXX

Sheldon was anxious as he came down the hall to his office. He was ten minutes behind schedule thanks to Raj being late picking him up. The astrophysicist agreed to drive Sheldon to work for the first two weeks until some other arrangement could be made. Obviously they needed to get more coordinated.

He by-passed the physics office and mail room so as to avoid potentially running into Leonard. His ex-roommate showed up at his door and spent the night on the couch after reaming out Sheldon for ruining his relationship with Penny.

"Pish," murmured Sheldon. "Anyone with half a brain would know he did it himself long before I came along."

He came to his door and saw a sheet of paper attached to it.

"Another useless memo," he sighed and absently took it off the door before opening it and entering.

He went to his desk and set down the letter before taking out his laptop from his computer bag and set it up. Sheldon then went to his whiteboard. He took out some hand sanitizer as he read over his work. A moment and then his jaw squared even as his eyes narrowed.

"I'm not going crazy," he hissed and glared at his desk. He returned to it with a smarmy smile on his face. "Well, desk re-arranger, let's see who you are."

Sheldon sat and linked up to his personal ftp site where he had stuck the link to the spy cameras he had placed in his office. Whatever cleaning woman that was moving things about would get an earful from him as would Gablehauser for—

On his computer screen he saw the lights turn on in his office and Amy approaching his desk.

"Amy?" he gasped.

In horror he watched as she picked up his stapler and licked it before raising her foot onto his chair, reaching under her skirt and then rubbing her hand on—

Sheldon physically recoiled from his desk and popped out of his chair. He took up his desk phone and dialed the physics department office. As he continued to watch, Amy licked and rubbed his possessions including his phone receiver which she stuck—

"Good Lord!" Sheldon cried and dropped the phone receiver. He took out his hand sanitizer and dabbed a fair amount in his hand before cleaning his ear. While he cleaned he glared at the screen. Amy seemed to be talking with someone but he couldn't see who until Amy walked off-screen towards the door.

Then there was a flash of auburn hair and a glimpse of a purple-plaid shoulder.

Quickly Sheldon pulled out his smartphone and dialed Martha. As soon as her voicemail picked up he dashed out of his office towards the liberal arts building.

"Martha, this is Sheldon. Please call me back as soon as possible." As he ran his mind tried its best to fathom what exactly Amy was doing in his office.

He reached the arts building and, huffing and puffing, made his way to Martha's office. Sheldon tried the knob but it was locked. He then went to the humanities office.

"Where's Dr. Wallace?" he demanded. "Someone's broken into my office and I have to see if she's alright."

"I saw her earlier," replied the receptionist. "She had a department meeting which should be over about now."

Before Sheldon could reply his phone rang. He checked who it was.

"Martha?" he said excitedly. "Where are you?"

"My office."

"I'm on my way."

"Sheldon you don't—"

"I'm already on your floor," he said as he walked hurriedly to her office. When he arrived, the door was open and the two doctors stood facing each other with their phones at their ears. As one they hung up and lowered their phones.

"My office was broken into," he said.

"I know. Your psycho ex-girlfriend said to say hello."

"Are you okay?"

"She didn't touch me. She was too busy touching other things."

"I have to call security." Sheldon went to dial the number.

"I already did. They came to your office and had a look-see. Didn't you see the note on your door?"

"I didn't read it. I thought it was a memo. Did she say anything?"

"Only that you'd dump me because I'm not intellectually stimulating enough and that she's trying to get your attention by spreading her germs around the office. Oh, yeah, and that you're cheating on me."

Sheldon's jaw dropped. "Why would she say that?"

"I don't know. She said that you were seeing someone when the two of you met and that you were cheating on Amy with her while the two of you were going out."

"That's not true! I never cheated on Amy."

"She seems to think so," shrugged Martha. " She also thinks that you're now with the other woman while dating me."

"Of course I'm not seeing anyone else. Besides you I've only had time for my friends and—" Sheldon stopped. "Someone I was with before I met Amy, then continued my relationship with while dating Amy and now you." He cocked his head. "The only 'her' that's had me enthralled for that length of time has been my work. Before my relationship with Amy ended I had a crisis of confidence work-wise and have only now resumed researching." He looked to Martha. "What does this mean?"

"It means your ex is one fucked up cookie." She began packing up her briefcase. "She said that it'd be best if I was out of your life."

"Was that a threat?"

"I don't know," Martha sighed. "Look, I've got class in twenty minutes so I have to get ready and get there." She came around the desk. "Let's let campus security handle this, okay?" They kissed and then she went to her bookshelf.

Sheldon's hands curled into fists.

He might not be an expert on kissing but even he knew it felt wrong.

XXX

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

 _Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"Hey Sheldon," she said as she opened the door. "Glad you could—" She saw the grave look on his face. "What happened?" she asked as she let him in before closing the door.

"Amy was at my workplace this morning," Sheldon growled.

"Yeah, she said that she was trying to become friends with you again. I said that wasn't a good idea."

"Well a friend don't break into the other friend's office and licks his stapler and coats his desk drawers and seat with the juices from her nether region."

"She what?!"

"My whole office is contaminated," said Sheldon with a disgusted look on his face.

"Holy shit. I mean it's one thing to armpit a phone, but mark your place with—"

"Wait, how did you know about the phone?"

Penny's cheeks went red. "Well, uh, remember when you hired Alex? Well Amy got kinda jealous so she went to your office and—"

"Good Lord." Sheldon's legs gave out and he flumped onto Penny's couch. "Why didn't you tell me?

"Because then you'd freak out and then she'd freak out and it wasn't such a big deal."

"I'm mysophobic, Penny! It _is_ a big deal!"

"I'm sorry," Penny said as she sat down on the couch.

Sheldon took a moment to process what had happened.

"Was this the only time she was there?" he asked at last.

"I dunno. I think so but I can't say for certain." He shook his head disgustedly. "But I can promise you that when I saw her do this she wasn't putting joy juice over your desk."

"This is a disaster. First, my supposed friend doesn't tell me about Amy's trespassing and now my current girlfriend won't tell me that she's bothered by her encounter with Amy."

Penny's eyes widened. "Amy ran into Martha?"

"At my office. Martha interrupted her and called campus security."

"Holy shit. Is she okay?"

"Physically." His jaw clicked. "Amy told her that I was having an affair and that it was only a matter of time before I dumped her."

Penny pursed her lips. "Martha knows that's a bunch of bullshit, right?"

"I believe so, only—" He sighed. "Her kiss wasn't right."

"The fact she kissed you is a good sign. Give her some time and I'm sure she'll talk about it."

"Alright," he nodded. "On another topic, will Leonard be coming home at some point or shall I have to draft up a temporary roommate agreement?"

"I dunno," shrugged Penny. "Leonard cheated on me while he was on that Hawking trip."

"With whom?"

"Some chick he was working with. They only kissed he said but that doesn't mean he didn't cheat." Penny sat back and sighed. "This is just like Alice only this time I'm the dummy."

Sheldon frowned. "Alice isn't dumb and neither are you. If anyone is the idiot it's Leonard."

"I guess." She bit her lip. "This is twice when his girlfriend is away from him for an extended period that he's cheated. Suppose I go away on a conference or he gets another offer to work somewhere? Will it happen again?"

"I can't answer that."

"You already did. Schrodinger's Cat."

"So what are you going to do?" Sheldon asked quietly.

"I dunno" she replied equally as soft. "He always thinks that I'm gonna dump him or cheat on him. He never trusts me and now I realize I can't trust him."

"I realize I'm not an expert on relationships but I do know this—my relationship with Martha has been compromised. She says that she doesn't believe I'm cheating on her but that it was mentioned at all means she must have thought about it after Amy brought up the possibility. I'm a difficult man but I'm an honest one. And to think that Martha might not trust me as she should is intolerable."

"She didn't say she didn't, Sheldon" Penny said.

"Irrelevant. Now I`m left hoping that she knows I`m not unfaithful whereas before I would have trusted her to it without another thought." He looked to Penny. "A relationship of any kind can`t survive without trust."

"Sweetie, things will work out." She took his hand. "I realize I messed up but believe me when I say that I`ll never do anything like this again. Yeah, it might mean I`m on your mortal enemies list and that it`ll be a long time before you trust me again but I`ll do whatever it takes to make it up to you."

"I`ll hold you to that—and sooner than you think."

"What do you mean?"

A serious expression came to Sheldon's face. "Well, Amy Farrah Fowler wanted my attention."

Blue eyes met green.

"She's got it," he said.


	30. Chapter 30

Leonard entered the comic book store. It was new comic book night and he decided to be the bigger man and go get them as opposed to cringing at Sheldon's place. Besides, after the blow up with Penny he needed something as a distraction.

He wandered around the corner and saw Raj and Sheldon's friends but no sign of Sheldon or Howard. With a big breath he approached the astrophysicist.

"Hey," he said overenthusiastically. "Where's Howard?"

"He said he was busy doing something with Sheldon," Raj replied.

"You mean Sheldon's not here?" Leonard glanced around the store. "But it's new comic book night! He never misses it."

"Must be pretty important then."

"Well, I suppose I'll pick up his comics."

"Actually, he asked Tracy to pick them up." Raj indicated his extra big stack of comic books. "I've got Howard's."

"Ah. Okay. Well, I guess I'll go get my own." Leonard went to the wall for his comic books, all the while feeling even lonelier than when he came in.

XXX

"This is a good idea," said Amy to Penny as the former was in her bedroom. "We haven't really had a night out together since I got back. Normally Bernadette's along but since she broke up with Howard she's been kind of a drag."

"Well no duh. They're getting a divorce," tsked Penny as she waited in the living room. Sometimes she just couldn't believe Amy. For someone who was friendless her entire life she had a snobbish, exclusionary side to her that often sought to chase other people away from Penny and her.

"Still, she could be a little more upbeat about it. I mean it's just Howard." Amy came into the living room with her purse.

"Howard's not as bad as you think."

"It's not like you weren't thinking it too, bestie."

"I dunno. I think Howard's changed," Penny said as Amy opened the apartment door.

"Regardless, this night isn't about Howard or Sheldon or Leonard the two-timing jerkface." Penny stepped into the hall and Amy locked up. "Tonight is a time to celebrate our sisterhood. And then we bash the bastards."

"Sounds like fun," Penny said enthusiastically.

The women went down the hall and around the corner to the elevator. It arrived and they descended to the lobby.

"So have a place in mind?" asked Amy.

"I was thinking about The Townhouse. They make wicked martinis," said Penny as she pulled out her phone.

"I leave the choosing of drinking establishments up to you and your liver," smirked Amy as she popped the locks and got into her car.

Penny smiled as she got in. She quickly sent off a text and then put her phone away and buckled up.

"Let's get this started," she grinned.

XXX

In the back stairwell Sheldon checked his phone as a text came in.

"They're gone," he said to Howard. "Commence Operation Gollum."

"Commencing it is," said Howard and the two men exited the staircase and made their way to Amy's door.

Howard pulled out his thieves picks and quickly undid the lock. The pair entered and quietly closed the door. Sheldon beelined for Amy's laptop and booted it up.

"Look around for any supplementary evidence while I work," said Sheldon.

"Understood." Howard looked around the living room but there wasn't much to see. At least, unlike Bernadette, Amy had some things that were personable to her but he became a little unsettled at the amount of monkey memorabilia. It was one thing if she thought them cute and saw them at the zoo. Quite another when she was poisoning them before killing them for their brains.

He wandered into the bedroom and all seemed normal. Howard went to the side table to look at a framed picture of Sheldon and Amy. She had a big grin on her face while Sheldon looked reserved but pleased. They looked happy. But then again, on the outside, Howard and Bernadette looked happy, too.

Howard noted a large rectangular shape under Amy's blankets. He turned them back to see a rice bag covered with—

"My God," he whispered. He pulled out his phone and took a picture before turning back and smoothing out the covers. Howard then got the heck out of there.

"Sheldon," he said in a strange voice. "Did you leave a t-shirt here?"

"Why would I do that?" Sheldon asked distractedly as he finished up what he was doing.

Howard showed him the picture he took of the t-shirt.

"So _there's_ my non-striped Green Lantern shirt!" Sheldon gasped. His eyes narrowed. "Only, what's inside it?"

"A bag of rice."

"A bag of—Why would she stuff my shirt like that?" Sheldon sputtered.

"You forgot the 'and then sleeps with it in her bed' part," Howard said. He shook his head. "If Penny ever calls me creepy again I'll refer to exhibit A," he snorted as he held up his phone before tucking it in his pocket. "Got everything?"

"Locked and loaded." Sheldon turned off the laptop and took out his flash drive.

The pair turned off the light and exited the apartment.

XXX

"To us," Amy cheered and both she and Penny clinked glasses. "Two successful professionals and the idiot men we love."

"Amen." Penny took a healthy swig and set her glass on the table.

"You know, we should really invite Emily out to ladies nights. After all, she is Rajesh's girlfriend and we are all with the guys. Well, more or less."

"I'll ask him to have her text me," said Penny.

"Although don't ask Sheldon's girlfriend," Amy added as she rolled her olive around her glass with a toothpick. "I don't think she'll be around long." Penny's back stiffened.

"Why do you say that?" she asked nonchalantly.

"It's obvious they don't have anything in common besides intercourse." Amy took a sip of her drink. "It's not like you can sustain a relationship on that." She raised an eyebrow. "Yourself excluded of course."

"Leonard and I have more in common than just sex," Penny replied automatically.

"Like what?"

"Anyways, Sheldon's pretty happy with Martha."

"He's having intercourse. Of course he's ecstatic," Amy frowned. "I'm sure he finds it every bit as liberating and wonderful as I told him it would be."

Silence.

"Amy, I think we should just leave the guys to their own thing," Penny began. "I mean I'm away from Los Robles now so there's no reason to go there. Sheldon has his own group of friends he's made so really there's no need to see him at all."

"Penny, do you know what it's like to connect with someone?" asked Amy. "Sheldon and I have a relationship of the mind. He said there was no one more like him than me."

"But you said you didn't respect him," Penny replied, confused.

"How he treated me, yes. But in hindsight I can see he was going down swinging." Again she played with the olive. "My social experiments and subtle pressuring got him to loosen his OCD-like compulsions." She shook her head. "I could fault myself about this. If I only knew how close he was to having intercourse I would have held out."

"Or maybe not. Maybe you and Sheldon were only meant to be friends. I mean you said yourself that you had a relationship of the mind. Maybe that's what works best and he finds his, uh, relationship of the heart and body somewhere else."

"He said he loved me," Amy said firmly. "Penny, I put four years of work into him. I knew he was a flight risk at the beginning but after the Valentine's Day train trip I thought he was solid."

"So why did you dump him?"

"I wanted him to see how meaningless his life was without me," Amy sniffed. "I'd replaced a lot of his hobbies with date nights and spaghetti with cut up hotdogs dinners. His career was settling down into stable monotony so he could spend more time with me. Everything was going according to my five year plan." Here she scowled. "Except for his love of comic books. Couldn't shake him of that. And here we have Martha who collects them too. Using her knowledge of spandex-clad heroes with disproportionate cleavage and ridiculous names to lure Sheldon away from my nest."

"Yeah that sucks," Penny said. "Look, there are other guys out there—"

"But none like Sheldon."

"That's true."

"It's funny. I always thought Sheldon was like a sexy praying mantis," mused Amy. "Did you know that the females of the species eat their mates?" She stabbed the olive and held it up. "Kind of gives some food for thought, huh?" She popped the olive into her mouth and chewed.

Penny gave an awkward smile and took another large gulp of martini.

XXX

Sheldon was at his computer, adding the finishing touches to his email, when his phone buzzed.

Penny: successful?

 _scooperphd: Very much so. Thank you._

Penny: np. btw Amy is nutz. Guess her mom didn't have her tested. :)

 _scooperphd: LOL_

Penny: nini

Sheldon set his phone aside and scanned his email once more before clicking 'send'. He sat back and smirked. All he had to do was wait on the Amy front.

Right now he had more important things to do.

xTBBTx

Martha checked the sight on her laser gun against a poster and pulled the trigger. A red dot appeared on the forehead of some busty blonde woman wearing camo gear and holding up a laser gun.

"Too bad that wasn't Amy," chuckled Abby as she came up to her friend.

"Tell me about it," Martha grumbled. "I'm looking behind doors and over my shoulder in the parking lot to see if I'm being followed by that psycho."

"Maybe you ought to carry some pepper spray or something."

"Got it." Martha sighed. "Well, I was wondering what was wrong with Sheldon and why he was still single. Now I know."

"You mean you're going to dump him?" asked Abby as she tied a black kerchief over her mouth and nose.

"No. I just never thought I'd have to kill someone." They both chuckled.

"As a bright side you're friends with a geography major. I can plot out the best place to bury her that urban planning wouldn't get to for at least fifty years," Abby winked.

"I'll hold you to it." Martha checked her watch. "Okay, we're up. Time to put down Robin and Nicole."

Both ladies slipped into the darkened obstacle room and spread out. Given the years they'd played together they knew to keep a healthy distance from each other but not so much that someone could get between them.

The hunt was on and about a half hour in Abby had finally potted Robin. The general crowd would be in shortly so that didn't leave much time to find Nicole.

Martha crept her way into her favorite spot behind a waist-high wall. It gave her adequate cover straight on and she could see what was what on either side. Very rarely had she been snuck up upon. Usually the stalker had to be really good and—

A red dot appeared on her left cheek.

Martha turned, expecting Nicole but instead it was—

"Penny?" she gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you." She looked behind her. "Coast's clear." She moved aside and a tall, black-clad man slipped by and settled by Martha.

"Sheldon?" Martha asked as he lifted up his balaclava.

"We have to talk," he said just as the red security lights flashed and an emergency horn sounded indicating that the general population was entering the room.

"Now?"

"Now."

They both ducked down behind the wall.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I miss you."

"It's been two days. I said we'd hang out on the weekend," she said with a smirk.

"Up until two days ago we haven't been apart."

"Of course we have. We work at different places and live at our own apartments."

"But that doesn't mean I've felt apart from you," he said. "I did on Tuesday and I don't like it."

Martha's smirk faded and in an instant they came together and kissed.

"Hey, you gonna get all kissy face or give me a hand here?" snorted Penny as she picked off a target.

"Ready, Ms. Romanov?" Sheldon said to Martha with a crooked smile.

"After you, Mr. Barnes," Martha chuckled.

xTBBTx

"Come on, little one," Amy cooed to the brain she was slicing. "Let's see a brain tumor. Mama wants a brain tumor."

At her desk her work laptop began to chime as a Skype call came in.

"Huh." Amy put down her scalpel and popped off her gloves before wheeling her chair over to her computer. She saw the name and clicked on.

"Hello Faisal. How are you?"

"Don't be coy with me you harlot," Faisal growled with a heavy scowl on his face.

"What are you talking about?" asked Amy, confused.

"How nice of you to be engaged to me. I fund your lab. But who fills your heart? Sheldon Cooper."

Amy blanched.

"It was just a fling," she said quickly.

"Oh really? So these aren't real?" He flashed Amy a series of pictures of her and Sheldon.

"Where did you get those?" she gasped.

"So you're not denying it," Faisal growled as he disgustedly slapped the pictures on his desk.

"Look, you need to understand that Sheldon isn't serious—"

"So that's why you're in his office licking his stapler and rubbing your perversion on his chair?"

"I don't know what—" A video started of her in Sheldon's office. Amy's jaw dropped. The screen returned to Faisal. "Then there is your night time perversion with a sack of rice." He held up a picture of her sleeping 'companion'. Amy tried to speak but her voice cracked. "You can forget our engagement as well as your funding." He shook his head. "You are not the woman I knew."

"Faisal—"

"Sharmoot."

Faisal clicked off his channel and Amy was left with a dark screen.

Amy sat, stunned at what had just happened. But what did happen? Where did the video come from?

"Sheldon must have had a camera in his office," she muttered.

And the pictures? The bag of rice?

"Sheldon was at my place!" she snarled, her hands clenching. "But when? I was home every night except for—" Her eyes widened and then narrowed into a scowl.

Penny. At last the high school prom queen turned against her. Amy had been fooling herself all this time that they were friends. That any of them were her friends.

Amy glanced at her notebook and scowled further. All her months of experimenting on Penny and the chimpanzee were now out the window. Unacceptable.

"Point Sheldon," she muttered.

But the game wasn't over yet.


	31. Chapter 31

Reference to: 'The Ornithophobia Diffusion'; 'The Maternal Combustion'

xTBBTx

"Knock Knock," said Amy as she rapped against Leonard's door frame.

"Hey," said Leonard, surprised, as he turned off the laser and took off his protective glasses. "What's up?"

"Just came into the university for a consult," Amy said evenly. "You have a moment?"

"Sure." Leonard moved his stool over and sat. Amy cleared her throat.

"Since you and Penny have moved in together we'll be seeing a lot of each other," she began.

"I guess," Leonard replied, although not very enthusiastically.

"It makes me uncomfortable."

"Why?"

"Because I don't like how Penny's lying to you."

Leonard's eyes widened. "What are you talking about?" Amy sighed.

"Every time we have a girls' night she complains about you." Amy glanced about the room as she recited. "You have nothing in common, you're basing your love on sex even though the intercourse is mediocre, she no longer has her own friends, you're jealous of her associating with other men—although I can understand why. You—"

"Wait, when did she say this?" Leonard interjected.

"All the time, Leonard. Bernadette and I are sick of her bringing it up. And now with her moving in with you"—Amy looked to Leonard—"that's a major commitment for you and I don't want to see you in the same position as Howard."

"Penny and I are not Howard and Bernadette," Leonard snapped.

"So you mean Penny's complaints aren't without merit?"

"Of course not! We have plenty in common like..." Leonard's cheeks turned red with anger.

"I hope you get this settled. The last thing I want to see is either of you hurt."

Amy left a frowning Leonard.

"That gets the traitor," she muttered with a smirk. "Now for the mastermind."

She pulled out her phone.

XXX

Sheldon and Martha were in 4A eating Thai food and watching a DVR saved Flash episode when the home phone rang. He set aside his food and answered.

"Hello?"

"Are you sinnin'?" came a loud female voice.

"Mom?" He glanced at Martha, who had heard Mary's voice, before standing and moving to his bedroom. "What are you talking about?"

"Ah heard you were fornicatin' with a lady friend of yours."

"I don't really see how that's any of your business."

"You're muh son. An' ah raised yuh right to answer your mother. Now are yuh havin' premarital sex?"

"Yes."

"Ah Shelly. Ah can't say I approve but on the other hand it's a big relief."

"Really?"

"Yuh don't know how often ah prayed tuh the Lord that yuh'd smarten up an' give me proper grand babies." She snorted. "Amy was an odd bird an' frankly ah wondered what muh grandchildren were gonna be like between the two of yuh."

"Well I assure you grandchildren are a long way off. Besides, aren't you being hypocritical with your abstinence battle cry?"

"Just because ah'm sinnin' doesn't mean ah want my children to. But I won't judge. Ah just want yuh to be happy."

"I am. Goodbye mother."

Sheldon hung up and returned to the living room. Martha was waiting, having paused the DVR.

"Your mom?" she asked.

"Apparently someone told her we were having intercourse," he mumbled as he sat in his spot.

"And?" She smirked. "You're a grown man, Sheldon."

"From a Christian household."

"Oh. I didn't realize you were religious."

Sheldon snorted. "I most certainly am not. But my mother is."

"Sheldon," Martha began in a serious tone. "Is this one of those her or me moments? Because after Amy I—"

"My mother is in Texas," Sheldon interjected smoothly. "I have my own life." He shrugged. "Besides, in a roundabout way I think she's relieved."

"Why?"

"Grandchildren."

Martha's eyes widened before she chuckled. "At least we're not rushing into things."

"She was thinking about it, not me," Sheldon quickly amended. "I've a lot of research to catch up on if I'm going to make a legitimate stab at a Nobel Prize."

"And?" Martha hinted as she leaned towards him.

"And my extracurricular time is already filled. Train watching. Kite flying. Model rocket building—" Martha whapped him with a throw pillow.

"Anything else?" she teased.

"Comic Con?"

"Now you're talking," she grinned before they exchanged a kiss.

"Although tonight I have something else in mind," said Sheldon as he sat back.

"What's that?"

"Three guesses who told my mother about us and the first two don't count."

"Amy isn't going to leave us alone, is she?" Martha sighed.

"She will. Obviously my first salvo hit."

"What did you do?"

"Not important," he said as he took up the remote. "What matters is that we go bright and early to the university tomorrow."

XXX

Penny was sitting on her couch. She wasn't drinking, which was odd for her as her nerves were getting to her. Leonard was coming over to talk. She was just hoping that it would be constructive and not—what? Was what was happening so bad? Sure he cheated on her but it wasn't like they— Penny frowned. Cheating was cheating. Leonard had taken what they had and tossed it under a bus.

"Idiot," she grumbled just as she heard keys in the lock and the door open.

"Hey," Leonard said as he closed the door and came to the couch. "I had an interesting conversation with Amy. She said that you're constantly complaining about me. That the sex is bad. That I've taken you away from your friends"—Penny's mouth made a big 'O'—"Oh, yeah, and that we have zero in common and that I'm a jealous douche."

"That bitch!" she gasped.

"I can't believe you'd stab me in the back like that. Stab us in the back."

"Stab us? Who the hell cheated, Dr. 'It Was Just Tongue'?"

"That was a mistake," he countered. "One time. What you're doing is continually bashing me." He sighed. "Penny, our relationship isn't going to last if you keep doing this."

"Why do you always have to make me feel bad?" Penny growled as she stood. "It's always Leonard Knows Best and dummy Penny getting a 'bad girl, bad girl'!"

"I'm not patronizing you. I love you and I don't want—"

"Yeah, yeah, you don't want me to screw this up." Penny began to pace but then stopped. "Leonard, why do we love each other? We say we do and I suppose we do but I don't understand why."

"Penny, from the moment I first saw you I knew I wanted to be with you," Leonard said softly.

"But you didn't know me."

"And when we spoke you were funny and kind."

"Bernadette and Howard were funny and kind."

"We're not Bernadette and Howard," Leonard said. "Penny, we've been at this for eight years. That's got to mean something."

"Maybe it does. We spend our nights eating, watching movies, a drink or two and then bed. I did that when I was a waitress and I don't want to do that now."

"So, what, you've got a better job and now you want to dump me?" he gasped.

"I want to do something more than this," Penny sighed.

"You are dumping me!"

"Why is this always about you?!" Penny snarled as she threw her hands into the air. "I mean I want kids and a husband and a career. I do. But I also want to dream."

"We have dreams" he whined.

"But you also want your Nobel Prize. Your comic books."

"You're making me sound like Sheldon," scowled Leonard. "Is this what it's all about? You want Sheldon?"

"Of course not," Penny snapped as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "But Sheldon found someone who likes him just the way he is. We give each other beta lists. I've got a closet full of high heels I don't wear because I 'remind you of your mommy'."

"But I do things you want like hiking and karaoke."

"Because you want to have sex with me!" Penny gave a crooked smile. "That's what you said. Or is that not true anymore?" Pause. "Leonard?"

"So if things are so bad with us why did you propose?" Leonard spat.

"I didn't want to lose you," Penny sighed. "I'd lost everything and—"

"I was the only thing you had left," he said. "You said I was your pop tart. But now I'm a bran muffin."

"I think we're each other's bran muffins, Leonard," Penny said. "I keep asking myself why we're in this relationship. I mean it's like a bunch of writers got together and said, 'let's give Leonard the hot girl' and that was that. No matter what we did we were destined for each other."

"What's wrong with that?"

"We sound like Sheldon and Amy. She said to him that she was the best girlfriend he was going to have. And we can see that's wrong."

Leonard rolled his eyes. "Penny, we can't base our relationship off of Sheldon."

"Leonard, when I met you guys you were all single. Then we went out, then Howard and Bernadette, then Amy and Sheldon and now Raj and Emily. One by one these relationships are exploding. And do you know why? We don't respect each other." Penny nodded slowly. "Amy was right. She didn't respect Sheldon and he did treat her horribly and what's with Bernie and that allowance thing with Howard? And then there's us. We say there's more to us than sex and yet you never trust me around men and cheat the moment you're away from me."

"You've got it all wrong," Leonard protested.

"You didn't answer my question, Leonard. Are you still doing things I want to do because you want to have sex with me?"

They looked at each other. Perhaps for the first time.

"Our babies will be smart and beautiful," he said weakly.

"And lactose intolerant." They both chuckled softly. "Leonard, I think you can be the sweetest guy when you want to be, but you're also the biggest douche I know. And the thing is that you do it to yourself because you're so damn insecure. I can't fix that."

Leonard sighed. "I'd say I need a shrink but having grown up with one I think that was part of the problem." He looked to her. "Sheldon said that he and I are not friends but if I smartened up we'd be friends again. Could you give me another chance?"

"I can't trust you to go out with you." Penny stepped to him. "I need time to think things out for myself. Where I want to go and what I want to do. You need to do the same. Not 'I want Penny', but 'What do I, Leonard Hofstadter, want from life?" She brushed his shoulder. "Give yourself a chance first." She went to pull off her engagement ring. "I'll give this back to you—"

"Keep it."

"But it's expensive."

Leonard blushed. "Actually it's a repurposed diamond drill bit."

Penny looked at him and then the ring before bursting out laughing.

xTBBTx

Raj, Howard and Sheldon came around the corner with their lunch trays in hand to find Leonard at the table nursing a flavoured water.

"On a diet?" said Howard as they sat.

"Dude, starving yourself is no way to promote weight loss," tsked Raj. "If you want to keep the tummy trim it's calorie restriction plus exercise."

"I just don't feel hungry," Leonard replied.

"Are you sick?" Sheldon said as he leaned back to get out of Leonard's air space.

"Kinda." Leonard sighed. "Penny and I have split up."

"You mean she dumped you?" gasped Raj.

"No. It was mutual."

"She did dump you! What did you do?"

"What makes you think I did something?" Leonard scowled.

"Because you'd rather give your right arm than give up Penny?" Howard suggested.

"This is all your fault," Leonard snapped at Sheldon.

"What did I do?" Sheldon replied with a frown.

"If you hadn't broken up with Amy then Penny and I would still be together because she wouldn't see how happy you are now and—" Leonard stopped short, a flush appearing on his face. "No, that's not your fault. I'm just being an angry, lonely douche."

"Aptly acknowledged," Sheldon nodded and opened his bottle of water.

"Guess Amy was right," Leonard sighed. Sheldon froze.

"What do you mean?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could.

"She stopped by my lab yesterday to talk. She said Penny wasn't happy."

"I see." Sheldon looked to Howard before returning to Leonard. "I'm sorry things didn't work between you and Penny, Leonard, but perhaps this is for the best."

"I don't need to hear that right now, Sheldon," said Leonard. He gave a dejected smile. "But I will at some point."


	32. Epilogue

Reference to: 'The Vacation Solution'; 'The Leftover Thermalization'

 **xTBBTx Epilogue One xTBBTx**

Amy was scowling as she put away her lab equipment for the night. Since she'd launched the latest counterattack she hadn't heard from anyone except for Bernadette. From what she said, Penny and Leonard were over and as far as she knew Sheldon and Martha were still together.

"One out of two," Amy muttered as she took off her lab coat.

She could work on the happy couple from a closer proximity—if she heard back from the stupid university. Since Faisal was terminating her funding she needed some place else with adequate research facilities close to Sheldon and Caltech fit the bill. Amy had slipped in her application and, with her credentials, assumed she would be a shoe-in. However, it had been two weeks and she'd heard nothing.

Amy took up her phone and called the university HR department.

"Hello, this is Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. I put in an application at the university and was wondering its status."

"One moment, Dr. Fowler," the woman replied. About thirty seconds went by. "Ah. Your application has been rejected."

"What? Why?! I've worked at the university on a joint project. I've written articles for Neuron magazine and had an—"

"From what I'm reading it's because of personal complaints against you."

"It's Sheldon Cooper, isn't it?" Amy growled. "Everyone knows he's crazy."

"Dr. Fowler, we saw you in his office," the woman said as diplomatically as she could.

"But he broke into my apartment!"

"We also have Dr. Wallace and a graduate student who have filed grievances," the woman continued.

"Alex Jenson?" Amy seethed. "She was after Sheldon so she'd do anything for him. Same with Martha. Completely unreliable accusers. They're obviously obsessed with him."

"Regardless, we think it'd be best if you applied elsewhere. We see Dr. Cooper enough around here. Frankly, we don't need the additional drama."

Amy hung up and let out a growl.

"Rat bastard!" She picked up her purse and locked up her lab before venturing to her car. She'd have to look elsewhere for employment. Perhaps Chicago? Obviously she couldn't use Caltech as a reference; neither could she use her supervisor from the big addiction study since Amy was fired.

As she drove Amy mulled over who to call. She still had some contacts. She'd land on her feet. The only thing was that she wasn't the type to turn tail and run. She didn't want Sheldon to think he had won. She wanted Sheldon to suf—

Amy noted a bunch of picketers in front of her building. She signaled and drove to her parking spot before venturing to the front to see what was what.

"There she is!" yelled a young woman as she pointed at Amy.

The crowd began to boo and hiss.

"Monkey killer!" a man called out.

"How could you do that to Ricky!" called out another.

Horrified and frightened, Amy looked at the various protest signs with her face with 'Monkey killer' scrawled over it as well as pictures of Ricky smoking and his necropsy.

She did her best to squeeze through the protestors and slip into the building. This was the last thing she needed right now. Bypassing the mail box she went straight to the elevator and up to her floor.

As she approached her apartment she saw a letter halfway tucked beneath her door. She slid it out and saw that it was from her building manager. With a frown she opened her apartment and stepped inside before tearing open the envelope.

Her eyes widened as she took in the eviction notice.

Apparently someone had let the building management know that she had Ricky in the apartment. Not only was having a monkey in the apartment violating the no pets policy but the management was under the impression that Amy was breaking the animal cruelty law by giving Ricky cigarettes.

She went to her laptop and fired off an email to Sheldon:

 _You think you're so smart, don't you? Believe me when I say this isn't over._

Amy hit send and was about to close her laptop when she got an indication that an email had come in. She looked and it was from Sheldon. She clicked on it and there was a link. She clicked on that and a video started.

Sheldon was sitting at his desk with a smug look on his face.

"Greetings stapler licker," he began. "As you're writing me I'll assume that you've experienced my little surprises." He leaned towards the camera. "Keep in mind that right now I'm merely toying with you. Should you not cease your activities and leave my friends and me alone I assure you you'll face a wrath worthy of the supervillain I am." He grinned. "Muah ha ha."

The screen went dark and Amy closed the email.

"Leave your friends alone, huh?" she said. "Wait until the university learns how Howard, Raj and Leonard sabotaged your Arctic experiment and Martha gets that unwashed mug that was once filled with cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis." She looked to a Doctor Who mug that was encased in a clear plastic box. "How fitting that the man-stealing whore should catch—"

A sudden knock at her door made her jump.

Taking a breath of air to steady her nerves, Amy got off the couch and went to the door. She looked through the peephole and saw that it was an auburn-haired woman in a frumpy pantsuit. Amy opened the door.

"Amy Farrah Fowler?" asked the woman.

"Yes?" Amy replied hesitantly.

"I'm Detective Nora Glass from the Pasadena Police Department. I was wondering if we could step inside and talk about a break and enter at Caltech three weeks ago?"

Now white-faced, Amy let the woman inside.

"I see you have quite the fan club downstairs," Nora said nonchalantly.

"They're just after me because I'm a researcher," Amy said nervously. "So what can I help you with?"

"Caltech security passed along the break in at"—she checked her notepad—"Dr. Sheldon Cooper's office since it was rather—unusual."

"Oh?" Amy said.

"Now this seems to be a slam dunk case given that we have the break in on video but I thought it best to also get an explanation since what the prowler did in there was pretty messed up." As Nora had watched the video she had no doubt Amy was on a one-way trip to the hoo-ha house.

"It's all Sheldon!" Amy said. "He won't leave me alone!" She went to her computer. "I broke up with him about a year ago and since I've come back it's been total harassment." She clicked to her email. "In fact, he even threatened me!"

"I'd like to see that," Nora said as she stepped behind the couch to view the screen.

Amy found Sheldon's email and clicked on the link. Sheldon appeared at his desk but the smarmy look was gone. Instead he was dead serious.

"Amy, I've set up this automatic email because you can't take the hint that I don't want to be in contact with you. Desist now or else I will contact the police. This is your final warning." The screen went dark.

"I think we should continue this at the precinct," Nora said. "While I drive maybe you can tell me about your roommate Ricky."

Without a word Amy flumped back on the couch.

Check mate.

 **xTBBTx Epilogue Two xTBBTx**

Howard exited the kitchen into the dining room to see how Leonard was doing setting the dishes.

"All good?" Howard asked.

"As good as gold," Leonard replied. "I've got some extra candles at the ready in case the power doesn't come back on before we're finished eating. So how's the food prep going?"

"Raj and Stuart have things in check." Leonard could see Howard's expression change before the engineer sucked it up and gave a pained smile. "I'll go see how they're doing."

As he left Leonard took a moment before placing the serviettes around the table. Over the past couple of weeks since Howard's mother died both Stuart and he had done their best to keep Howard together. It was a sad time for them all, really, as Mrs. Wolowitz had not only provided Stuart with a job and a roof over his head but she also took in Leonard when Penny and he broke up. As much as Leonard had teased Howard for how close he was with his mother there was no denying that she loved her bubalas.

There was a knock at the door and Leonard's heart began to thump loudly in his chest.

"Sheldon, can you get the door?" he called out.

In the living room Sheldon got off the couch and went to the door. He opened it and there was Penny before him in a black sundress with a red short jacket and heels carrying a bag of wine bottles.

"Hey Moonpie," she grinned as she took in his purple plaid apparel. "Nice suit."

"Penny, only my Meemaw calls me that," he grumbled as she entered the house.

"Hey," she said cheerily to Martha as the latter stood. "Everything ready?"

"Soon enough," Martha replied. "Raj chased us out of the kitchen so we're out here waiting for the feast. How's the move going?"

"Pretty quick. It helps that I know where everything fits in 4B." She grinned at Sheldon. "Looks like we're neighbours again." She held up the bag. "I brought some wine and since the power's off we better get popping these while they're" —Leonard came into the living room—"cold."

"Hi," he said meekly.

"Dinner is being served," said Stuart as he opened the dining room door. "We could use some hands getting it to the table."

"On my way," said Leonard and departed.

"So, Moonpie?" asked Martha as she loosely wrapped her arms around Sheldon's waist. "Why does your grandmother call you that?"

"Yeah, why does she?" Penny piped in.

"You know why," Sheldon snapped.

"He says that she calls him Moonpie because he's so nummy nummy she could eat him all up."

"Are you finished?" Sheldon said with a scowl.

"Just taking in the rest of your sour puss," chuckled Penny. She paused as she grinned at his glare. "And we're done."

Penny went into the dining room.

"Nummy nummy, huh?" Martha gently teased.

"Please don't call me Moonpie," Sheldon sighed.

Martha kissed him. "Your secret's safe with me, Superman."

Another kiss and then they went to join their friends.

xTBBTx

A/N: For those of you who might think my handling of Bernadette and Amy was harsh I'd like to point out that I didn't start writing fan fiction with the intent to hang them by their own idiotic portrayals on the show. My earlier fics painted the both of them in a positive light because to me they were positive—in the beginning.

Things then went right off the cliff when they had Amy sexually interested in Sheldon because not only did she become uber 'desperate' but also her 'pity party boo hoo I had a lonely life' went to extremes as now we, the audience, plus the gang and Sheldon were supposed to feel bad for her because Sheldon wouldn't do or be what she wanted. Now based on her persona since s5 the best way to describe Amy *is* by calling her desperate and pathetic. Her 'tragic past' and 'long suffering' are justifications for all she does in her pursuit of Sheldon.

Bernadette never made sense to me because she isn't a 'real' person. I've seen better Witness Protection backstories than what they scraped together for her. Bernadette was there to be Howard's wife; there was no independent life apart from the guys because she had no life, period. Absolutely no thought went into Bernadette and it shows given how she is now a one joke pony of nice girl/bat shit angry girl-IMO they flog this to death because it is finally something they came up with that's a 'Bernadette quirk' so to speak. Without it, the writers need only have written 'Howard's Wife' to indicate her dialogue in a script because that's the only thing of interest in her otherwise unlife.

The show just isn't as funny as it once was and I think it needs a return to the basics—the dynamic five plus quirky (and limited) secondary characters like Stuart and Martha and Elizabeth. I could write pages and pages about the character personalities in the first four seasons (and I have in my early novels) and what pains me most is that the showrunners have basically tossed all of my beloved characters under the bus and 'remade' them into grossly distorted caricatures of themselves. I'm not opposed to 'growth'; what I am opposed to, however, is lazy writing, and by adding more main characters and beating us over the head with sappy romantic plots the showrunners have made their jobs easier since they don't have to come up with the dynamic dialogue and inventive situations like they did in the early seasons. Boo on them!

This novel was a bit of cathartic indulgence for me to get my writing mojo back after watching the crap that was season 8. Thank you so much for reading. *Lynn


End file.
